The Chinese Room

by Vivian Connell

  “Very well, Mrs. Bude.”

  “Mr. Elder,” said Muriel suddenly a little on edge, “I want you to do one thing. Keep Mr. Strood away from me. He’s trying to look sad, but he just looks sick.”

  Mr. Elder almost smiled. He took up the letters to tidy them into the case. Mr. Elder was very surprised to find that Mrs. Bude was a young and beautiful woman. He took out The Times and the case. As he picked up the case, the deer’s hoof fell out on the table. Muriel saw Mr. Elder stare at it, then look in a strange way at Sidonie, who did not seem to be able to say anything.

  Muriel had a feeling that there was something very queer about this hoof. “That was on his desk, wasn’t it?”

  “Yes,” Sidonie answered without looking at the hoof.

  Muriel picked it up. “It seems to be a deer’s hoof, or a lamb’s. It’s a deer’s, I think. I suppose he picked it up at Barrington.”

  Muriel saw Mr. Elder close up the case. She moved the hoof about in her hand and then left it on the table.

  ‘Til go in and see if the doctor is finished,” Mr. Elder said. “I’m sure Mr. Bude will be all right; I have an intuition about such things.”

  “Thank you. And please, please hurry.”

  Sidonie said: “I won’t be a moment.”

  Muriel nodded, as Sidonie went out with Mr. Elder. Muriel noticed they went into Mr. Elder’s room rather than into Nicholas’ office.

  When Sidonie got into Mr. Elder’s room she said: “Why did you let him see me in your room?”

  Mr. Elder looked upset. “I am sorry. I covered you over with that blue veil. I did not know who was coming in. It should have been perfectly safe with that blue veil. I didn’t feel well enough to carry you into the bedroom when I heard the ring, so I covered you over.” Mr. Elder looked distressed. “Unfortunately, I did not cover your foot.”

  “I still don’t...”

  “He lost his head last Friday and hardly knew what he was saying to me. He said he didn’t know where he was, what with Chinese mandarins in the bank and people who smoked opium. I knew that escaped from him.” Mr. Elder paused. “Well, I knew that he must have seen your foot somewhere else besides my room.”

  “So you know?”

  “I can guess,” Mr. Elder answered. “Does she know?”

  “I don’t know. She is very clever.”

  “And beautiful,” said Mr. Elder. “I got a surprise.”

  “I like her. I dined with her the night she came to see me about the letters.”

  “She likes you very much. Not everybody would have trusted you and believed in you as she did just now.”

  “I know that. I think Mr. Bude will be happy with her now—if he lives.” Suddenly her eyes were wet and she turned to Mr. Elder. “Will he live? Will he?”

  Mr. Elder nodded. “He’ll pull out of it.” He did not go at once, but put his arm around her shoulder. “You’re in love with him, too, aren’t you?”

  “Yes. He lived with me. It’s all over now and I’m glad I like his wife. I’ll feel better when I go away knowing he’s happy.”

  “I think you are very wise—and very compassionate. I agree it’s best for you to go away.”

  “Thank you for understanding. I’m going back to his wife now.”

  They went out, and Mr. Elder opened the door of Nicholas’ office and shut it quickly behind him. Sidonie sat down with Muriel.

  Mr. Elder was back in the room in a second. His face glowed, and as Muriel looked at him she was no longer afraid. “Nicholas is all right?” she asked.

  Mr. Elder nodded. “He’s going to be as good as ever. He’s coming around now, but the doctor suggests that you wait another few minutes before going in.”

  “Oh, thank you.” Muriel got up and grasped his hand.

  “I’ll go tell the others. You and Miss Coleman can wait here by yourselves—without being bothered by Mr. Strood.” He was smiling when he went out. Muriel said: “I like Mr. Elder.”

  “Yes. He’s a very cultured man. At home he lives and dresses like a mandarin and his room is a Chinese room.”

  “Oh...How interesting.” Muriel paused. “How funny, that Nicholas did not tell me about that, if he went to see him. But he never talks much.” Muriel paused. “I couldn’t quite understand about your being at Mr. Elder’s place when Nicholas was there and not seeing him.”

  Sidonie looked at her and said: “I was asleep.”

  “Oh.”

  Muriel did not understand it, and Sidonie had conveyed to her in some way that she could not explain this. But Muriel had a feeling that it was all right and did not concern her.

  Suddenly Sidonie seemed shy as she spoke. “You don’t know how glad I am that you trusted me and knew I would not write those letters.”

  “Anybody would have known that.”

  “No. Not even Mr. Elder was sure.”

  “He was, in his heart, as you were sure about him. You’ve got to believe in something and somebody.” Muriel got up and walked about the room. Then she came back and looked at Sidonie. “What is your name?”

  “Sidonie.”

  “May I call you that?”

  “I’d like you to.”

  “Well, you know mine.” Muriel sat down. “Sidonie, let’s have it all out. I don’t want to lose you as a friend. Let’s ask each other anything we want to know.”

  “Very well, I’d like to get it over, too. Go ahead.”

  “Have you been living with Nicholas?”

  “Yes.” Sidonie paused. “If you call every Monday living with somebody.”

  “For how long?”

  “Oh—four or five years.”

  “Did you love him?”

  “I did, when he was unhappy. We had that in common. Now he’ll be happy again, and he’ll be free of me and I of him.”

  Muriel blushed. Then she smiled gently, and said: “Now what do you want to know from me?”

  “I want to know why Nicholas wasn’t happy with you. He never spoke of you. Since the evening you came into my flat, I simply have not been able to understand it. I don’t know why, but I pictured you as somebody inhibited and rather middle class and completely unable to understand Nicholas. You were the last person I expected to see.”

  “It’s a very queer story. I was inhibited, and I did almost ruin the marriage because I was middle-class, and knew nothing about sex, and was afraid of it.”

  “I can’t believe you are like that.”

  “I think I had better tell you the whole thing.” Sidonie listened in a quiet amazement, until Muriel ended:

  “So you see, our honeymoon began ten years after we were married. That’s only two days ago.”

  Muriel paused and then asked Sidonie:

  “Did you think he was in love with you?”

  “Yes, in a way; I might have said ‘yes’ if I didn’t know you. I think he must have been in love with you always.”

  “Does he know you were in love with him, Sidonie?”

  “I don’t know. I kept it from him. I never even—let him kiss me until a few weeks ago.”

  Muriel sat up.

  “You mean, he was living with you, and you never kissed him?”

  “Yes. I—only gave him my body. I—was afraid to let him know I loved him. But I gave in—just a little time ago. I suppose he must have known then.”

  “But why, but why, in God’s name? Why shouldn’t he know?”

  Sidonie began to tremble, and Muriel saw she could not speak.

  “Were you afraid he might want to marry you? Is it because you didn’t want to break up my home?”

  “No. I never even thought about you.”

  “But—good heavens, people divorce, and you would be a perfect wife for somebody like Nicholas. Damn it, you are probably much better bred than I am.”

  “It’s nothing like that. Please don’t ask me.” Muriel got up and put her hand on the trembling shoulder.

  “Sidonie, I must know. It’s not because I want to know, but there’s som
ething inside you that’s killing you, and I can’t bear it. Please tell me.”

  A long, silent sob shook Sidonie and then she began to perspire. At last she said:

  “Please don’t look at me.”

  Muriel turned away and fixed her eyes on the hoof on the table.

  It seemed an age until Sidonie said: “I have a deformity.” There was a pause. “It’s that, what you are looking at. I have that instead of a small toe on my right foot.” There was another pause. “If I got married to anybody, I could not conceal it. I always wore slippers when—Nicholas came.”

  Muriel let her hand slide back into Sidonie’s. “Oh, you poor darling! So you thought a man would mind that if he loved you.”

  “He would. The last time Nicholas came to see me, when I gave myself to him at last, he pulled off my slipper and saw my foot. He tried to hide it, but that ended it.” There was another pause. “You see, he picked up that hoof, because—because it was like mine, and...”

  “Don’t talk about it any more.”

  Sidonie looked faint and had to lie back a moment. “I’m glad I told you.”

  “So am I. I knew something was eating you up inside, and I was—afraid. Who else knows?”

  “Only my family—and Mr. Elder. I go to his place to get peace sometimes. I get it from opium.”

  “Oh, my God.”

  Muriel had swung round with horror on her face, “Please don’t be alarmed. I am not an addict. Mr. Elder would not have given me the pipe if he were not sure that I was safe. But it releases my mind from this worry—about my foot—and I think it’s better than having something shut up in your mind like Nicholas had.”

  “Nicholas?”

  “Yes. I think he had something in his mind that none of us knew about.”

  “He used to have nightmares—and he was affected by the moon.”

  “I knew about the moon. He told me.”

  “Saluby said he was a superstitious peasant with a mind like a dog that bays at the moon. That haunted me.”

  “This man Saluby must be very clever.”

  “He is. He saw Nicholas as a guinea pig to experiment on. He said so openly to me. He pretended, of course, that he thought Nicholas was writing the letters himself. He knew that Nicholas had moles underneath his mind like Sarah Fuidge had—that’s the girl who committed suicide. And he knew that Nicholas was in his hands.”

  “Yes, I know that.”

  A curious memory came into Muriel’s mind of that first night when Nicholas’ personality seemed to go into her blood from his hands.

  “Sidonie, don’t let’s talk about it any more. I’m going to have something done about your foot.”

  “No, it’s too late now. It’s inside of me, not just on my foot. I think I’d rather not.”

  Spontaneously, they gave themselves to each other in their eyes. Muriel exclaimed: “Oh, I’m so glad I met you. And I’m glad it was you he went to. Let’s always be friends.”

  “We will be...I’ll go now before you go in to him.”

  “When will I see you again?”

  “Soon.” She knew she would never see either of the Budes again. She went quickly before the door to Nicholas’ office opened. She was not there when the doctor came out and smiled at Muriel.

  “He can see you now, Mrs. Bude,” he said. “He’s ready to go home.”

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