Razorblade Kisses

by R. L. Griffin

“No…”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I want him to call me, Em. He has my number and he hasn’t called. Do you think he’ll call?”

  “I know he’ll call.”

  “How? How do you know?”

  “Because you’re you.”

  “Ugh…whatever, that’s because you love me.”

  “I’m very realistic. You turned those lips on him, so he’s probably just been at home jerking off, too busy to call.”

  Rachel’s giggled filled the phone. “I gotta go. Love you. Miss you.”

  “You too.”

  She stared into her own eyes as she talked to Ashley. She’d put her hair into one of her Braves baseball caps. Her blue eyes popped under the navy cap and the changes she’d made since she left Atlanta weren’t as obvious.

  “Hey, Ashley. It seems like you’re doing fabulous. I heard about you making the team. Don’t let Coach Jeffries boss you around too much. I miss you so much. I’m so sorry I had to leave you like that…” her voice trailed off. “This isn’t what this video is supposed to be about.” She sighed. “I don’t know what to say other than I love you and I’ll be back. I promise.”

  She hit the stop button on her phone. This was her third attempt at the video and it was dumber than the first one.

  “What do you want to tell her?” Noah’s voice made her heart jump into her throat.

  “Shit.” She turned around and took in Noah. He was wearing her favorite gray sweatpants and a tight black t-shirt. “You scared me.”

  “What do you want to tell her, Em? You miss her. Why don’t you tell her where you are and how you’re doing?” He walked toward her and stopped a few steps away.

  “I don’t want her to know where I am.” Her eyebrows rose at her own admission.

  Noah reached out and took her phone from her. “Why?”

  “Because.” She shrugged, hoping he would back off.

  “Fine,” he responded, but she knew him well enough to know he wouldn’t let that go so easily. He sat down on the end of the bed and played with her phone. “Why don’t you let me video you and ask you questions?”

  She shook her head no, looking down. Emery didn’t want Noah to know these things, to hear what she would say. It would lead to him asking more questions she couldn’t answer. She felt him take her hand and lift it to his lips. He pressed his lips to the back of her hand, which caused her to raise her eyes to his. They locked and a smile played on his lips.

  “Okay, fine, but I don’t understand how you can make me do things that I don’t want to do,” she huffed.

  He lifted the phone so that he was videoing her. “Okay, go.”

  She smiled. “Ashley. I don’t know why I just thought about this. I should’ve been sending you these videos since I left. I heard about you making team. I’m so proud of you. I just know you’re going to be amazing. I’m doing okay. I’m in college and working at a restaurant. Can you believe it? I even have friends. I miss you.” Her gaze fell to her feet.

  “What else do you want to tell her?” Noah moved his head to the side of the phone to talk to Emery.

  “I want to tell you, Ashley, that I’m okay. I’ve moved past what happened to me, or I’m trying to and I want you to be okay. If you’re ever not okay, get in touch with Rachel. I’ll be back for you. I love you.”

  Noah hit stop and dropped the phone to his thigh. “Em, what are you running from?”

  “Everything,” she responded. She grabbed her phone and walked into her bathroom, shutting the door and effectively ending the conversation that she didn’t want to have with Noah. That she would never have with Noah.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Exclusive

  After a few weeks of exclusivity, she woke to Noah still in her bed, his face inches from hers. He looked even better sleeping bare-chested with his hair sticking in every direction. She slid her body as close to his as she could get and kissed him awake. His tongue parted her lips and they kissed for what seemed like hours. Even half asleep, his desire for her was evident and currently rubbing her inner thigh. His kisses consumed her and chased away her nightmares, frightening away the demons that lurked just below the surface of Emily.

  “Now, that’s a good morning I could get used to.” Noah’s voice vibrated against her neck. He trailed kisses down her neck and pulled at the top of her tank top, laying kisses on the tops of her breasts. Making his way back to her lips, they kissed until her lips hurt. Then he lazily kissed down her jaw, her neck, and across both collarbones.

  “Noah,” she moaned. Emery’s body was on fire, but she also felt a chill. She wanted him everywhere on her body, but she wanted him to know they couldn’t be what his eyes told her he wanted. He circled her nipple with his tongue and she wanted his tongue where it’d been last night. Things were getting out of hand. She’d become addicted to his touch, almost fearing how much she wanted it.

  And…there he went, depositing himself in between her legs, making her back arch and her hands grasp the sheets so hard she thought she would rip them. The heat rose in her gut, building until she screamed his name so loud he stopped what he was doing to laugh.

  Guilt coursed through her at the sound of his laugh; he was enjoying himself pleasuring her and she wasn’t returning the favor. She didn’t know how to, but she couldn’t tell him that. He thought she was there because of an abusive boyfriend. Emery wanted to come clean, to look into those expressive eyes and tell him everything. But then those eyes wouldn’t look at her the same. His fingers wouldn’t make her feel the way they did. His lips wouldn’t ignite her entire body.

  When she finally came down from her orgasm, she cleared her throat. “Noah?”

  He kissed the inside of her thigh, still amused by her reaction to his touch. Her insides clenched again at the contact. “Yeah?”

  She paused, wondering if she could say what she wanted.

  He pushed himself up the bed, the sight of all of his muscles flexing at the same time causing her to forget what she’d wanted to tell him. “Yes?”

  “Tell me how you want me to touch you,” she blurted, embarrassed.

  Noah chuckled and took her hand gently and laid it on his chest. “Emily, you touch me like I want to be touched. When you want to touch me, just do it. You can touch me anywhere you want.”

  So she did.

  From: Romona Hicks

  To: Rachel Helms

  Don’t ask me any questions. I need birth control. Do I go to a free clinic or a doctor? Can you ask Derrick if my ID would stand up? I think I have to hit the health clinic because I don’t have insurance. I just don’t know…fuck. I want to erase this message so badly.

  From: Rachel Helms

  To: Romona Hicks

  FUCK MY LIFE. Go to the free clinic. I don’t want to know what this is about, do I? I want to stab my eyes out. I am happy for you too.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Try

  It had been two years since her last birthday in Atlanta. The relative peace she’d found in Nashville was a surprise.

  She smiled as she stretched out her legs and arms lazily, sweat dripping down her neck and rolling down her chest. It was ridiculously hot for April—just last week she’d been in a sweater. Emery eased herself off the lounge chair and plunged into the water, her body instantly relieved. She pulled up her red bandeau top and tried to escape her mind. Two years of not really doing anything, with no direction other than to hide, had passed, and more quickly than she’d expected. She’d been taking classes and was a junior already. That’s what you get when all you do is work and study.

  Floating around the pool, she let her mind wander, and it went to Ashley, as usual. She was eleven now. Emery missed her so much it hurt to think of her, so she tried to occupy her mind with other things…with Noah.

  Her phone rang, drawing her out of her thoughts. Emery pulled herself out of the pool and crawled onto the pavement without any grace whatsoever. She jogged over to her phone, tugging her bath
ing suit top to ensure that her boobs were covered at the same time.

  When she saw who it was, a grin spread across her sun kissed face.

  “Rach, you close?” Emery shook her head to the side, trying to get water out of her right ear.

  “Don’t kill me,” Rachel answered.

  Emery’s smile fell from her face and she stilled. “What?”

  “I’m grounded. I can’t come. I’m so sorry.”

  Emery was crestfallen, but knew that Rachel would come if she could. “That’s okay, Rach. It’s just a day.” She shrugged and sat down on the chair. “Have you seen Ashley?”

  “Yes, this week. She’s doing great. My friend’s brother is in her class. Em, she’s so pretty and funny. She’s okay and she sent me a note to give to you for your birthday and also, I’m sending you a video from her.”

  The weight that’d been on her chest lifted for a few moments. “When can you come?”

  “Uh...I’m not sure, Dad is super pissed this time.”

  “What’d you do?” Emery waited to hear some sort of criminal spree.

  Rachel laughed. “He caught me and Derrick kissing.”

  “That’s it?” Emery laughed too. “So I’m assuming operation take him down went well?”

  “Oh he went down willingly, believe me.” Rachel’s giggle lit up Emery’s face. She was happy that Rachel had finally told Derrick how she felt.

  “So…”

  “Let’s just say I went on the best date of my life and that led to the best night of his life.”

  “Damn, you’re easy.”

  “Seriously, we’ve been teasing each other for years. I felt like we’d been engaged in foreplay since I was fourteen.”

  “How was it?”

  “Oh, Em, it was amazing. He was amazing and tender, but kinda arrogant in bed. It was sexy. We had sex like three times, and then he dropped me off and was giving me a goodbye kiss when Dad just happened to see.”

  “So have you seen him since?”

  “Of course. Being grounded doesn’t stop me from shit, especially since my father isn’t ever around. He’d notice if I was gone for two days, though.”

  “Well, I’m glad Derrick feels the same about you.” Emery looked up just in time to see Noah pull into his parking spot. She smiled as he got out of his Jeep and walked to their condo. Their condo.

  “I’m sorry I can’t come. Maybe next weekend. You know my dad will get sucked into some work shit and forget about me, so I’ll just slip out then.”

  “Okay. I understand.”

  “Oh, I got another payment to give you too.”

  “Okay,” Emery responded, trying not to fall into that dark place where she would drown if she wasn’t careful. She was done letting him ruin her birthdays.

  “Happy eighteenth slash twentieth birthday,” Rachel sang cheerily. “I love you, Em.”

  “I love you more.” Emery smiled and disconnected the phone. She fell onto her chair, waiting for the ding of her phone indicating that Rachel sent her a video. As soon as she heard it, she scrambled to press play.

  Her sister’s golden hair and eyes the color of a cloudless sky appeared immediately. Her smile was animated before she started speaking. “Emery, it was amazing to see your face! You can’t believe how it’s been since you’ve been gone. Mom slept in your bed for the whole first year. I’d hear her cry herself to sleep in your room. She’s been, like, crazy since then.”

  Emery shielded her eyes so she could see the screen in the sun.

  “Tell her something good, shit,” Rachel’s voice said from behind the camera.

  Emery smiled, but wiped a stray tear that trickled down her cheek.

  “Oh, you’re right, Coach is a hardass.” Her face lit up when she said “ass” and Emery giggled. “But I’m loving it. I’m pretty good too. I wish you could see. I’m almost as good as you were.” She looked to the right of the camera, then back into the lens. “Okay, I love you and miss you like crazy.”

  The screen went black and she hit play again and again. She hadn’t seen her face in 667 days. When the screen cut off after the fifth time, she simply stared at it. Her stomach growled and she checked the time to see if it was time for lunch.

  She left everything on the chair, knowing she’d be right back, and walked over to the condo. It was freeing to walk somewhere without feeling like she needed to cover up. Emery wasn’t quite sure when the change in her happened, but she’d grown okay with Noah seeing her scars. When she opened the door, she was assaulted by the smell of canned tuna. Noah was in the kitchen making lunch.

  “Ugh, that smells horrible,” Emery said, walking in the kitchen in her bathing suit and flip flops.

  Noah’s eyes darkened as he took her in. He put down his fork and stalked over to her, unceremoniously pulling her bathing suit top down and wrapping his mouth around her nipple.

  A gasp escaped her lips and her hands drifted to his head as hers leaned back against the wall. He was very cautious with her, always, which allowed her to feel safe with him. It was eye opening to know what someone could make her body feel even though her mind felt nothing.

  Phil had almost killed everything, but her body responded to Noah and he made her feel cherished and safe. Those were both feelings she’d never felt, or if she did, she didn’t remember it.

  “Wow, that bathing suit would look awesome on the floor,” Noah breathed into her ear.

  “You just got tuna breath all over me.” Emery giggled, pulled up her top, and allowed him to nibble at her neck. Then she moved to the fridge and grabbed some carrot sticks. “Why in the world are you eating tuna?”

  “Getting in shape for the season. It’s my last one, you know.”

  “In April?” Emery cocked her head to the side in disbelief.

  Noah blew his gut out and then patted it. “Too many beers lately.” He laughed.

  She shook her head. Noah didn’t have to eat tuna to get in shape, but most of the time he was conscious about everything he put in his body.

  Emery popped a carrot stick in her mouth. “So what’s your plan after you graduate?”

  “My plan is to make you take your swimsuit off.”

  Emery giggled and batted his hand away from her. “After graduation?”

  “Funny thing is, I don’t want to think about anything except you, without clothes.”

  “Noah!” she squealed as he pulled her bottoms down and ran a finger across her abdomen.

  Her body shuddered in anticipation.

  “Emily,” he said.

  She sighed; him calling her that always made her sad. Her wish that he would really know her and want his mouth on her drifted into the air and disappeared without being granted. It simply wasn’t her reality. What they were doing wasn’t reality, just like the romance book she had started reading.

  “You’re hot and sweaty…and did I say hot?” he commented as his hands traveled over her body. He ran his tongue up her neck. “And salty.”

  “Well, it is hot outside,” she murmured as his tongue found her nipple again.

  He turned her around and pushed her toward the wall. Time stopped and she froze. Confused, she braced her hands against the wall. His chest was against her back in a heartbeat, then his fingers entered her and all of the walls caved in on her. Emery left the cozy condo and was back in Atlanta with Phil. She used every ounce of strength she had and pushed off the wall, causing Noah to fall on his ass on the kitchen floor.

  Sobs racked her chest and she ran to her room and locked her door, then went to her bathroom and locked it. She sank to the floor, pulled her knees up to her chest, laid her head on her knees, and began counting. She grabbed the towel from the rack to cover herself. Her eyes snapped open when she heard pounding on her door.

  “EMILY!” Noah yelled from the hall.

  She looked up at the ceiling and knew she couldn’t face him. She couldn’t face her ghosts, how was she going to face him?

  “Emily, if you don’t let me in righ
t now I’m knocking this door down.”

  Emery stayed where she was, now curled in a ball on the floor in the bathroom. She knew Noah wouldn’t break the door down.

  “Emily!” Noah pounded on the door and then she heard a splintering sound. “Emily!” He looked around, frantic for her, and saw the bathroom door closed too. He walked over to the door and put his palm on it. “Emily, open the door, please.”

  “I can’t!” she yelled at him.

  “Baby, you can. I know you can. You’re so strong.” His words were melodic, meant to soothe.

  “Noah, just go away,” she cried, trying to ward off hysteria. He didn’t know her, and she wasn’t strong. She was a coward.

  “Not happening,” he responded shortly.

  “I can’t talk to you right now. Let me cool off.”

  “No, Em.” Noah leaned against the door with his body. “Do you want me to break this door too?”

  Emery sighed. She guessed he would break the bathroom door down too. Slowly, she reached up and unlocked the door, then shrank back into herself.

  “Emily.” The sound escaped his lips as he squatted down next to where she was bunched herself up against the wall. He slid down the wall and sat next to her. “What happened?” His eyes were full of pain. He didn’t touch her.

  “Noah, I…” Emery didn’t know what to say. The truth was right on the tip of her tongue, but she couldn’t tell him.

  “It’s okay. It’s just me,” he said, trying to calm her. Laying his hand on her leg gently, he squeezed it, his touch soft.

  She looked over at the door. “Your parents are going to kill you,” she said, attempting to change the subject.

  “Whatever. They won’t even know.”

  She uncurled from the fetal position and closed her eyes for a beat.

  “I’m so sorry, Em. I will never do that again,” Noah started. “I’m not sure what I did, but I won’t do it again.”

  “No, I’m sorry. This is why…” She stopped herself from talking, because right now she wanted to tell him everything. She wanted to tell him why they wouldn’t work, why he didn’t even know her, and how she would never be normal because something would always set her off.