My Beginning With Mr. Darcy [Book One]

by Lauren King

  Papa also wrote to Uncle Edward to ask if Uncle will allow me to stay in London for a while so that this rumor will not permeate to me. I am sorry that this has happened to us, Lizzy. I am so worried, anxious, and troubled for all of us. What will become of us all? Papa’s description of us being outcasts like lepers is absolutely true. I can see it in our unfortunate futures.

  Papa is arranging for the removal of Mama and Lydia immediately so that Lydia does not have a chance to reveal her condition. Papa has decided that Mama will go with Lydia to stay with her while she is with child. He will pay Uncle Phillips’ cousin to let Mama and Lydia stay for a year before Mama is to come back to Longbourn. However, if Lydia is still not married by that time, then she is not allowed back at Longbourn as long as anyone of us is still unmarried. Lydia said that she will give up the baby when it is born; she does not want the hindrance.

  Oh, Lizzy, what are we going to do? I am only glad that I will be able to see you if Uncle allows me to stay with them for a while. I feel horrible for Papa. He is constantly worried now, and he is clearly unhappy with his family. It pains me to see him this way. I feel like we are a broken family now – all because of Lydia’s foolishness. I am sorry I have to admit that about any of my sisters, but she just refused to listen. You were absolutely right to reprimand her all the time. I want to tell you not to be too distraught, but I am completely devastated myself. I hope to see you soon. God bless you, my dearest sister.

  With love,

  Jane

  In tears, Elizabeth runs into the sitting room to Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner. She sees that Mr. Gardiner is also distressed and displeased; Mrs. Gardiner is no better. Elizabeth guesses that they have just read her Father’s letter to them. Elizabeth breaks down into more tears. Mrs. Gardiner hugs Elizabeth while Mr. Gardiner calms Elizabeth.

  “Do not cry, Lizzy. Jane can stay here with us. We will sort this out with your Father. I will write to him and let him know to send Jane as soon as possible. If you want to send your letter, then have it ready for me to post by tomorrow morning. I think your Father’s decisions are correct. That is the best way so that the four of you will not be tainted. You can talk to your Aunt; I will go write my letter.” Mr. Gardiner pats Elizabeth’s arm tenderly and understandingly before leaving for his study.

  “Oh, Aunt we are all ruined.” Elizabeth sniffles. “No decent man will get involved with us now or else we will have to lie for the rest of our lives about Lydia.” Elizabeth stops crying because she is angry now. She is livid at Lydia’s indecent and dreadful behavior that has caused this disaster and this break down of a decent family.

  “I hope this does not cause Papa any health issues because if something should happen to him, then we all will be out in the hedgerows, for certain.” She laughs sarcastically and then says to her Aunt, “Mama has always been afraid of Papa passing and that the next male heir to Longbourn will kick us out into the hedgerows. Well, Mama has helped herself and all of her daughters land in the hedgerows sooner than later. I pray that Papa stays healthy. I do not know what I would do if I lose Papa, Aunt.” Elizabeth’s tears start to fall again due to her fear of losing her Father. She has no words about how to handle Lydia’s situation; she thinks her Father’s idea is sound. What else can be done? She knows that nothing else can be done for Lydia.

  “I also agree with your Father’s decisions. I am sorry for you all, Lizzy. Your Uncle surely will help. We will do what we can. Now, why do you not go rest, all right? Try to rest. Did you say that both Mr. Allston and Mr. Darcy will call upon you on Wednesday?”

  “Yes, but I do not know if I will be up to it, Aunt. I will see by tomorrow. I doubt that either of these gentlemen will want to have anything to do with me once they find out about this situation.”

  “Do you think they are at a point of wanting to court you, Lizzy?”

  “I think Mr. Allston is, but I cannot imagine his family tolerating my family’s current situation. Even if they do, I get the feeling that I will probably have to break all ties to my family so that no rumors get to me which could lead to them. Even with that, I think I will lose their respect, and I know I will not be able to live with that degradation, Aunt. We are ruined all because of Lydia and my Mother.” Tears fall again, and she gets angry, again. She feels helpless and hopeless. She sobs silently.

  On Tuesday, Elizabeth throws herself into doing as much of the auditing as possible so she can forget about her family troubles for a short while. She is devastated, and there is such a heavy weight on her; she feels like she is slowly drowning.

  During luncheon, Elizabeth has some time to think about hers and her family’s situation. She will ask her Father to let her live with her Uncle’s family, and she will do all the accounting for her Uncle’s business. Her Uncle will surely pay her at least as much as what he paid Mr. Clarke. Then, she will be an independent woman. That will be one less mouth for her Father to feed. Jane can go back to live at Longbourn, so she and Mary can learn from their Father on how to help him run Longbourn and their tenants.

  Once Elizabeth can save enough money, then she can help support Jane to stay in London if Jane wants, but Jane will still end up having to find employment befitting of herself. Maybe Uncle can employ her as an assistant for his office or else Aunt can have Jane as the children’s governess. Jane can be a companion; that is respectable, enough. If Jane stays in London, then Mary and Kitty must learn to help their Father with Longbourn or risk finding employment of some sort, too. Uncle and Aunt will not be able to accommodate more than Elizabeth and Jane. That is already asking too much of Uncle. Elizabeth will have to discuss this with Jane; afterwards, she will also speak to her Uncle and Aunt.

  There family is broken all because of a young girl’s stupidity led by an older woman’s stubborn, ridiculous ignorance! Her Mother does not even think that she is ignorant and ill-mannered. She thinks she is clever with how a woman should attract a man, thus she allows Lydia to act the way Lydia has been acting and look at what has resulted.

  Elizabeth decides to see Mr. Allston tomorrow and tactfully discontinue further advancement in their acquaintance. She knows that even if he admires her enough to tolerate her family’s situation, she will still have to deal with his parents and siblings who all can be tied to her family shame. They will not be happy, and then the degradation of their relationship with her will certainly follow. If she and Mr. Lucas are already engaged or married by the time of the revelation, then Elizabeth’s entire life will be irreversibly ruined with constant humiliation and disgrace that could be thrown in her face by her in-laws. Her status as a gentlewoman would mean nothing at that point. She would rather stay unmarried than to allow that to occur for the rest of her life.

  Elizabeth gets a different feeling from Mr. Darcy. He is a stronger person and that his feelings for her are more forbearing. Does Elizabeth feel this way because he has no parents to scrutinize his actions? Mr. Allston’s parents still have a significant say over his actions. Mr. Darcy answers to no one. Consequently, is Elizabeth taking advantage of Mr. Darcy in this aspect? If Mr. Darcy’s parents were still living, they most likely would have even more influence than Mr. Allston’s parents would.

  Elizabeth is very fond of Mr. Darcy; she does not want to let him go – even though he is not hers to begin with. However, she senses that they are moving towards an understanding; she hopes so. She would definitely agree to an understanding or courtship with Mr. Darcy, but she may be wrong in her assessment of his partiality. There is not much else she can do at this point except to wait and see. If Mr. Darcy does not wish to remain friends, or progress into something more, then she will understand. She completely understands for both gentlemen.

  WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 19th – GARDINER RESIDENCE

  Mrs. Gardiner and Elizabeth greet Mr. Allston, amiably, as always. They talk about how Mrs. Allston is busy with the Christmas ball preparations. Then, Mrs. Gardiner says that she will have Mildred brew a different type of coffee for Mr. Allston to tr
y. The drawing room door is left open and five minutes later the two older Gardiner children come in to draw.

  After trying the new coffee with continued conversations, it is already an hour. Elizabeth feels this is the time to inform Mr. Allston of her intentions. She is depressed and distraught by the circumstances, but there is no avoiding it.

  “Mr. Allston, I want to thank you for visiting me today. I really enjoy our talks, and you have shown me kind friendship which I appreciate. I hope you will understand that I would like to remain your family friend. However, I understand that it could be difficult sometimes, so if you are not in a position in the future to have me as a friend, then I will completely understand.” Elizabeth is demure and straightforward; she looks at Mr. Allston directly and then down at her hands.

  Allston is surprised that Miss Elizabeth is the one to bring up this subject, but he is glad to address it because he is eager to let her know of his inclination towards her. “Miss Elizabeth, may I be forthright with you?”

  “Please do, Mr. Allston.” Elizabeth answers understandingly.

  “I know I was a little slow to show you my complete inclination for more than just a friendship, but I am truly interested in knowing you more than that. Are you saying you are inclined to be my friend only?” Allston hopes Miss Elizabeth’s answer will be to his favor. He really likes her; they could be good with each other.

  Elizabeth takes a deep breath and then answers, “Yes, Mr. Allston. You have been a kind and proper gentleman friend; I will always appreciate that.”

  “Miss Elizabeth, is this your inclination because I was slow in expressing mine?” Allston is disappointed.

  Elizabeth replies calmly. “No, Mr. Allston. I do not want you to be misled, in any way. I think you are a good person, and I would hate for you to regret our friendship.”

  Allston breathes in deeply and then looks at Elizabeth in amazement. She is still an astonishing young lady. She takes care not to hurt him while she tells him that their relationship cannot develop further to the point that he would like. Her words are soothing and kind. He would really like to pursue her, but he truly thinks that she knows her mind. She is not playing with anyone’s affections or attentions; she is a forthright person – admirable, indeed. He is sorry not to know her better. They could have made a splendid couple in so many aspects. He honestly feels more than just friendship for her, but she does not feel the same. Therefore, he is glad that she did not choose to drag this out and mislead their relationship into something that they both could have regretted later on. That is why he will always esteem Miss Elizabeth.

  “I will not regret our friendship, Miss Elizabeth. I regret not being able to be more. I understand your position, and I thank you for being honest with me.” Allston says sincerely and perceptively.

  After Mr. Allston bids Mrs. Gardiner a good day, Elizabeth walks with him to the foyer. Mildred leaves the two of them after giving Mr. Allston his outerwear. Elizabeth looks kindly at Mr. Allston. She is sorry that their acquaintance has to end this way, but it is for the best. She could not stand it if she lost his respect. She recognizes that they could have been a nice couple together, but she feels more for Mr. Darcy; therefore, she does not want to mislead Mr. Allston. She was planning to discontinue their acquaintance anyways. No matter what the reason, Mr. Allston has been saved from a bad association that could have affected his entire family.

  “I would like to know that I am your friend, Miss Elizabeth and that we will still acknowledge our friendship in public. You are a commendable lady who I would like to keep as a friend.” Allston states frankly. He would rather be friends with Miss Elizabeth than be a stranger. Their relationship simply did not come to fruition; there is nothing to reprove.

  “I am truly flattered by your praise, Mr. Allston. You are a gentleman through and through. I would be very glad to remain your friend. I wish you all the best.” Elizabeth smiles kindheartedly and sincerely as she looks at Mr. Allston directly.

  Allston steps one step closer to Miss Elizabeth and reaches for her hand to bow over it, and then he turns to leave. She looks after him as the door closes completely. Elizabeth breathes deeply for several breaths before going back to the drawing room with her Aunt.

  “Are you alright, my dear?” Mrs. Gardiner asks tenderly as she holds Elizabeth’s hand warmly.

  “Yes, Aunt. He was understanding and very gentlemanly. He was disappointed when I told him that I wanted to only be his friend. He said that he will not regret being my friend, but he regrets that he could not be more. With or without Lydia’s problem, I am sad to see that Mr. Allston is disappointed.” Elizabeth’s eyes become teary because she feels pitiful for herself and her family. She honestly does not know what will happen to them now. She feels truly powerless – a most awful position to be in.

  “Lizzy, of course he is disappointed; you could have been a very good wife for him in every way. These things happen when you have more than one admirer – like three or four.” Mrs. Gardiner teases and finally Elizabeth has to smile a little. “Now, you do not want to look down when Mr. Darcy calls upon you. What are you planning to do in regards to Mr. Darcy?”

  “I like him very much, Aunt, but I have to be fair and give him an opportunity to retract his attentions. I feel like I would be trapping him if I do not let him know about our potential downfall in society. However, he has not openly expressed that he is interested in anything more than being friends with me. He made one comment when we were at Mrs. Templeton’s, but I cannot take that as his absolute penchant to be more than a friend to me. We have only truly spoken with each other that one day. Although we understand each other much better, I still cannot realistically rely on his preference for me to lead beyond friendship without him actually showing his inclination like Mr. Allston did.” Elizabeth tells Mrs. Gardiner that Mr. Darcy said that he would be most happy if she wanted him around.

  “That comment sounds like clear partiality, Lizzy. However, I do understand your viewpoint.”

  “I will see how today progresses. If he expresses his desire to court me, then I will inform him of my family’s situation. You do not think that is deceptive, do you Aunt? Should I just tell him upfront, now? But if he only wants to be friends, then there is no need to tell him, right?” Elizabeth dearly hopes for a favorable solution but she does not see how that can be achieved with her family’s horrid crisis.

  “That is right; if he is only your friend, then there is no need to bring out your family troubles to him. If he indicates that he wants a courtship, then you should tell him truthfully.”

  Mrs. Gardiner, Elizabeth, and Mr. Darcy greet each other amiably when he arrives at the Gardiner residence. Darcy smiles handsomely as he glances at Elizabeth. Mrs. Gardiner can tell that Mr. Darcy is eager to visit with Elizabeth just as Elizabeth is enthusiastic for his company.

  With their coffee and pastries, they discuss winter in London as compared to Derbyshire. Mrs. Gardiner tells Darcy that she lived in Lambton up until she married Mr. Gardiner. They have fun relaying stories. Elizabeth is definitely partial to Mr. Darcy, but she has to be certain about his intentions and affections before she tells him. But in actuality, what good is it if she does know that he prefers her and wants to court her? Her family’s trouble will deter him like the plague, and she will be hurt more from his rejection. What on earth was she thinking to let this go on further and then get hurt from it? If she tells him the same thing she told Mr. Allston, then he will not know her family shame; she will not lose his respect, either. Beyond a doubt, she will not be able to stand the lost of Mr. Darcy’s, Richard’s, or Georgiana’s respect. It is probably better if she starts to remove herself from all of them so she can spare everyone the disgrace.

  Soon, they will learn of her taking an office position at her Uncle’s work because she needs the money not because she merely is helping her Uncle. Then if they meet Jane, they will eventually find out that Jane is a governess or an office worker too. Goodness, how humiliating! Ther
e is no avoiding it, though.

  When Mrs. Gardiner goes to check on the children, Darcy decides to take this opportunity to express his partiality towards Miss Elizabeth. She should know that he is seriously interested in her; he would never trifle with her feelings.

  “Miss Elizabeth, I would like to invite you and your Uncle’s family to have luncheon with me and Georgiana again this Saturday if that is convenient for you. Otherwise, we can have luncheon any day you like; I am at your disposal.” Darcy says most charmingly.

  “Thank you for the invitation, Mr. Darcy. I will have to check with my Aunt and Uncle. Can I send our reply to Georgiana?” To say the least, Elizabeth is very happy to be invited.

  “Yes, certainly.” Darcy smiles handsomely. He is going to talk to her about their acquaintance. “Miss Elizabeth, may I be frank with you?”

  “Yes, always, Mr. Darcy.” Elizabeth smiles warmly, but her insides are depressed.

  She is becoming slightly anxious. He is not going to reject her because he just invited her to luncheon, right? He will not do that if he just wants to be friends, right? Or is he trying to show that he is agreeable with her being Georgiana’s friend and that she is welcomed to Darcy House as he had said to her a few days ago?

  “I would like you to know that I am very interested in getting to know you better. I feel that we complement each other in many ways, and we are similar in our thinking in many aspects. I hope you know that I am interested in more than simple friendship with you. I also fervently hope that you feel the same way about me.” Darcy states genuinely, calmly, and with hope.