Bikini Planet

by David Garnet

  “Keep it salty,” he said. “People will get thirsty, drink more of it, get even thirstier, buy even more.”

  “What a great idea,” said Diana.

  “It’s an old idea. If there are free salted nuts in a bar, people get thirstier, buy more drinks. In Las Vegas, they gave away free drinks. If you give away something for free, people will spend more on everything else.”

  “Great,” said Diana. She smiled and poured three more glasses of wine. “Great.”

  “When are you going to tell him?” said Kiru.

  Norton looked at her, looked at Diana. “Tell me what?”

  “Where was the place you came from?” said Kiru.

  “Vegas,” said Norton.

  “This,” said Kiru, gesturing beyond the red buildings going up all around them, “is going to be Vegas World. And it’s all because of you, Wayne.”

  “Not all,” said Diana.

  “Vegas World?” said Norton. “That’s a lot easier to say than Caff… what is it?”

  “Caphmiaultrelvossmuaf,” Diana and Kiru said together.

  “Yeah, Cafe World.”

  “What did you say?” said Diana.

  “Cafe World,” Norton repeated.

  “Cafe,” said Diana. “Cafe.” She nodded. “Cafe World. I like it. I love it. What’s it mean?”

  “It means… er, it’s a French word. French? No? From France? An extinct language. Cafe. A coffee house. Cafe is French, was French, for coffee. You’ve never heard of France? They invented kissing.” Norton looked at Kiru. “French kissing, you know?”

  “No,” said Kiru.

  “You do. Remind me to remind you.”

  “Cafe World,” Diana said. Again. “It has a certain…”

  “Panache?” said Norton.

  “You know, Wayne,” said Diana, “I’m glad you’re here, glad you’re still alive.”

  “Thanks. So am I.” Norton looked at Kiru again. “How about you?”

  “I’m not sure yet,” said Kiru. She sipped at her wine to stop herself smiling, then glanced at Diana. “Tell him why we’re here.”

  “Remember back on Earth,” said Diana, “when we talked about Lost Vegas?”

  “Kind of,” said Norton.

  “You said Vegas could have been improved if it was by the sea, but gambling couldn’t happen outside because the sun would go down and people would be aware of time going by.”

  Norton nodded. Las Vegas was a twenty-four-hour city. Day or night made no difference.

  “The sun never goes down here,” said Kiru.

  Norton glanced up. Although Caphmiaultrelvossmuaf’s star was forever hidden behind the swirling orange clouds, it was always very warm. If the sun ever broke through, the temperature would make Nevada seem like the Arctic.

  “The sea,” said Norton, beginning to remember. “The sun.” He looked up into the red sky. “It shouldn’t be raining.”

  “It’s not,” said Diana, “not on this island. We’re starting here. In time, we’ll expand to other islands. We’ll fix the rain as we go.”

  “You chose this planet,” said Norton, slowly, as he began to realise the magnitude of the idea, “because of what I said?”

  “We had a number of options,” said Diana, “but your expertise helped with our final decision.”

  “Sea, sun, sand, bikini girls,” said Norton, remembering it all. “Is that why you’ve got aliens in bikinis?” He shook his head in amazement, then finished his wine in a single gulp. “I’ll be damned.”

  Las Vegas in space. Planet Vegas.

  “Ready to eat?” asked Diana, as she signalled the Caphafer in the blue bikini.

  “Yes,” said Kiru, and Norton nodded.

  It was the first food he had eaten since being in the escape capsule, and he didn’t even care that it was fish. His head was spinning. Because of an apparently casual conversation, a whole world was being transformed into a casino planet. The concept was mind-blowing. Or maybe it was just the salty wine, which was scrambling his brain.

  While they ate, Diana pointed out all the new landmarks—enviroscapes, dreamzones, skytels—and talked about the future of Cafe World.

  “Cafe World?” said Kiru. “Are you going to pay Wayne a consultancy fee?”

  “That’s just a provisional name,” said Diana. “I’ll have to discuss it with my fellow partners.”

  “The galactic thieving bastards?” said Kiru. “Although you probably call them ‘entrepreneurs.’ ”

  “You were right the first time,” said Diana. “I’m talking about the new partners. Hideaway’s top people are arriving here in less than fifty hours, when the partnership details will be finalised.”

  As Kiru and Norton both stared at her, Diana shrugged.

  “They tried to kill us,” said Kiru. “Wayne, me, even you.”

  Diana shrugged again. “After what we did, who can blame them?”

  “What we did?” said Norton. “What you did!”

  “It’s sound business sense,” said Diana. “By operating together, Hideaway and Cafe World will be far more profitable. Instead of competing, we’ll complement each other. Hideaway can concentrate on serving the elite of the galaxy, and with their professional expertise we can soon develop a planet-sized version to provide entertainment and vacations for the mass-market.”

  “But you thought Hideaway was going to annihilate Caphmiaultrelvossmuaf,” said Kiru.

  “That was just a negotiating tactic. They would never have destroyed a valuable asset like this.” Diana toyed with the stem of her wine glass. “Because if they had, Hideaway would have been vaporized as a reprisal.”

  “That’s good,” said Kiru. “At least the whole Caphafer race wouldn’t have died in vain.”

  “Mutually destructive business plans are very shortsighted,” said Diana.

  “So now you’re working for the tax men,” said Norton. “Or tax aliens.”

  “Don’t we all?” said Diana. “They started on one world, but they thought big, which is how they became the largest organisation in the galaxy. The Galactic Tax Authority owns whole planets, entire solar systems, and every person who lives there is in debt to them—although they don’t even know it.”

  “And they’re coming here for the big pow-wow,” said Norton.

  “What?” said Diana, and Kiru said, “What?”

  “You’re going to smoke the pipe of peace.”

  “What?” said Kiru, and Diana said, “What?”

  “Another reason for choosing this planet,” said Norton, gazing up at the sky, “was the colour, yeah? It’s the ideal world for Red Indians.”

  “I see what you mean,” said Diana, and Kiru said, “I don’t.”

  “We’re talking about Red Indians,” said Norton.

  “What’s a Red Indian?” asked Kiru.

  “You are,” he said.

  Kiru ran her fingers through her red hair. “Am I?”

  “We all are,” said Norton. “Or so I’ve been told.”

  Kiru shrugged, sipped at her wine, then resumed eating. She shifted in her seat and glanced around, making it evident she found her surroundings far more interesting than her companions.

  “Will your partners become blood brothers?” Norton continued. “Or sisters?”

  “There’ll be no mixing of bodily fluids,” said Diana. “This is strictly a business arrangement, although there’ll be an appropriate celebration after the contracts have been signed and witnessed. After that, if anyone wants to become involved in a personal liaison, it’s up to them.”

  “A personal liaison?” said Norton, looking at Kiru.

  A skimmer slid off the ocean and went by thirty yards away, and Kiru waved. The three on deck waved back. It was hard to tell if they were all human, but they definitely weren’t Caphafers. Instead of bikinis, they were wearing dark suits—as designed by Wayne Norton.

  The skimmer disappeared as silently as it had arrived, and Norton realised the restaurant must have been within a sonic s
creen. That was why the building work seemed so quiet, because sound beyond the plaza was reflected back out.

  “Who were they?” asked Norton. “Fellow convicts?”

  “No idea,” said Kiru.

  “Some of my colleagues,” said Diana. “Gino, Rico and Pedro.”

  “Pedro?” said Norton.

  “You know her?”

  Norton shook his head.

  “When Hideaway was under different management, she was called Jack. Gino was Deuce and Rico was Ace.” Diana paused. “They’re a trio.”

  “Is that where the music was coming from?” said Norton.

  “Music? They’re not musicians.”

  “I heard music earlier. You said they were a trio.”

  “They are,” said Diana. “A sexual trio.”

  “Oh.” Norton nodded, as if understanding. “Three of them? Is that… er…?”

  “Two men, one woman,” said Diana. “That’s the best arithmetic. Or geometry.”

  “You mean… they have sex? All three of them? With each other? At the same time?”

  “I presume so. Why else get married? Go and ask them.”

  “They’re married? All of them? To each other?” Norton drank some more wine. “One attraction of Vegas I never mentioned,” he added, “was that people went there to get married.”

  “Because it wasn’t legal anywhere else?” said Diana.

  “No. Because they could get married immediately. There was no license restriction in Las Vegas.”

  “People had to have a license to get married?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You’re talking about a formal conjugal agreement?”

  “Probably.” Norton glanced at Kiru, who was still looking away. “I thought that… er, maybe, you know… you could hold wedding ceremonies here.”

  “Why? What for?”

  “Does Hideaway provide weddings?”

  “I doubt it. There isn’t much demand for that kind of thing.”

  “I’m only a cop, but isn’t the whole idea of business to advertise and create a demand? People used to spend a fortune on weddings.”

  “Did they?” Diana began to get interested.

  “Yeah. Getting married was every girl’s ambition, the biggest day of her life.”

  “That’s pathetic,” said Kiru.

  “How did they spend a fortune?” asked Diana.

  “On the clothes,” said Norton. “On the wedding presents. On the reception, which was a meal and party after the ceremony. On the honeymoon, which was when the bride and groom went on a luxury holiday together after the wedding.” He gestured with his wine glass, encompassing the whole planet. “If couples came here to get married, they’d also have their honeymoons here.”

  Diana nodded thoughtfully. “This could work. I’m going to suggest it to the board of directors.” She paused and studied Norton. “You’re not on a percentage, so why are you telling me this?”

  “Because,” said Norton, “I want to be the first person to get married here.”

  “The first?” said Diana. “As far as I understand it, marriage is not a solo event. So who’s going to be equal first?”

  She was looking at him in an odd way. Surely she didn’t think Norton meant her! She who was sometimes a he…

  Norton looked at Kiru. Diana looked at Kiru. Kiru looked at Norton.

  “No,” she said.

  “In fifty hours plus,” said Diana, “it’s the official opening. There won’t be any paying guests, not for a while. But the gaming halls will take their first bets. The first pleasure dome will begin to revolve. Everything will begin to happen. Maybe this restaurant will be serving edible food by then.”

  Norton glanced at her meal, noticing that she’d hardly had anything. He’d eaten everything, as had Kiru.

  “It’s going to be a spectacular occasion,” Diana continued. “I’ve been trying to think of something unique, something so very absolutely different, to generate extra publicity. Now I know what it is. We’re going to hold our first wedding. Your wedding, Wayne.”

  “But not mine,” said Kiru.

  “He’s getting married,” Diana told her. “If not to you, then someone else.”

  “Who?” said Norton.

  “I don’t know,” said Diana. “Anyone. Pedro, for example. As well as Rico and Gino, of course. But don’t get your hopes up. All three of them would have to accept you. Quartets are very rare. They never last. Maybe you could marry one of the natives. That would make a great story.”

  “What?” said Norton.

  “No,” said Kiru. “He’s mine.”

  “Am I?” said Norton, and he stretched his hand across the table toward her.

  Kiru shrugged. His hand touched hers. She didn’t move it away. His fingers squeezed hers. Her eyes wouldn’t meet his.

  “Kiru,” said Norton, “you’ve made me the happiest man in the whole galaxy, and I promise I’m going to make you the happiest girl in the entire universe.”

  “Okay, okay.”

  “Enough of this,” said Diana. “What should happen during a wedding, a really expensive wedding?”

  Norton told her. Diana listened intently to every word, nodding her head, while Kiru sank lower and lower into her chair, shaking her head.

  “Now I’m in a real dilemma,” said Diana. She stood up and began to circle, or triangle, the table. “Will I go as your best man, Wayne? Or should I be your bridesmaid, Kiru?”

  “Why not both?” said Kiru.

  “That’s a possibility,” said Diana, “although the most important role seems to be the person in charge. She has the most dialogue, far more than the bride and groom.”

  “She?” said Norton. “It’s usually ‘he.’ ”

  “Not on Cafe World,” said Diana. “Kiru must promise to love, honour and obey, you said?”

  “Yeah,” said Norton. He couldn’t remember very many of the lines. What was the groom meant to say?

  “Honour and obey?” said Kiru. She hid her face in her hands. “Were women treated like slaves in your era?”

  “No, well… er, yeah, I guess… slightly… er, in a way.”

  Kiru opened her fingers to peer at Diana. “If you’re doing weddings here, will you also do divorces?”

  “No,” said Norton. “It’s ‘until death do us part.’ ”

  “Yes, master,” said Kiru, and she yawned. “Of course, master. To hear is to obey, master.”

  “Divorce and marriage?” Diana nodded. “Can’t have one without the other.”

  “Good,” said Kiru.

  “You want to officiate at our wedding?” Norton said to Diana. “Will that be legal?”

  “Definitely,” Diana replied. She sat down at the table, reached for the violin case, opened the lid and thumb-coded her dataset. “I’ll enact a law to it make it legal.”

  CHAPTER INFINITY

  The bride wore white.

  A white bikini.

  The smallest bikini on Caphmiaultrelvossmuaf. And probably, thought Wayne Norton, the smallest in the history of the universe.

  Kiru looked terrific, absolutely fantastic. He was so glad they were getting married, that she was to be his forever. She was dressed in the ideal outfit—for their wedding night.

  But with all the other people around, human and alien, he wished she was wearing, well, more.

  It wasn’t just the people, it was the cameras. The official opening of Cafe World was being transmitted to the whole galaxy. Autocams zoomed about everywhere, recording all the festivities and the premiere of every new dream palace on the island.

  Norton had to bite his lip, forcing himself not to say a word about what Kiru was almost wearing. If he’d objected, his bride might simply have walked out on him.

  That wouldn’t have been the worst of it.

  The wedding was scheduled as one of the highlights of the opening ceremony. If Kiru had changed her mind, then Norton would have had to marry someone else. Pedro. And her husbands. Or a Caphafer. Or Ma
jor Diana Travis… alias Colonel Travis.

  Diana had remained in her female guise and was dressed as a Red Indian chief. Or her version of what one looked like. She wore a feathered head-dress, which hung halfway down her back, but the feathers were metallic and kept changing colour, as if they had a kaleidoscope of lightbulbs inside. The fringes on her buckskin jacket and pants were of similar construction and illumination. At least her moccasins didn’t flash on and off with every step she took, even if they did have five-inch soles and ten-inch heels.

  The bride was meant to be the centre of attention at her own wedding, but it seemed Diana was trying to steal the show. Norton was pleased, because it meant fewer eyes would be gazing at his wife-to-be.

  He had to admit, however, that although he was convinced Kiru was the ultimate wonder of the galaxy, the non-humans on Caphmiaultrelvossmuaf were unlikely to spare her more than a passing glance.

  Soon after their spaceship entered orbit, the Galactic Tax Authority representatives arrived to begin final negotiations with Diana and her associates. Norton wished he’d asked for his missing finger to be brought from Hideaway, so he could be reunited with it.

  Discussions must have been successful, because later the same vessel disgorged hundreds of guests to visit the countless different attractions on what its owners hoped would become the new vacation capital of the universe.

  In the past fifty hours, the island seemed to have doubled in size, with four times as many soaring red buildings. During that time, Norton was busy arranging his own wedding. The hardest part was coming up with a form of words Kiru would agree to. “Obey” had to go, as did “honour,” and she wasn’t even very enthusiastic about “love.”

  Then Diana told him, “Keep it very short. After the banquet, our new partners will be eager to sample what they’ve bought for their money.”

  “I can’t imagine them being eager about anything,” said Norton. “You made a deal?”

  “We came to a mutually advantageous conclusion,” said Diana.

  They were in the plaza where the first restaurant had stood. By now, there was another on each corner. In the centre of the square was a ring of tables, and Caphafers in blue bikinis were covering them with red cloths.

  Negotiations had taken place inside the building nearest the sea. Although it was of exactly the same shade of red, this construction was smaller than most of the others. It was a steep pyramid, and it was also the only building with any windows. These were crescent-shaped, dropping down each angled side in a single row from the apex.