“No, but I want to find out what it’s like.” She was stunned when Zeke reacted angrily.
“This isn’t some experiment to find out if you like it,” he said, his voice tight. “This is my heart we’re talking about. I’m not some guy who’s begging for a quick roll in the hay. I’m in love with you. I’m not spilling my guts only to have you say Sorry, but I think I’d like to shop around. Now I know what a horse must feel like when someone tries him out to see if he’s got a smooth gait. Wait until you get to Tombstone. You’ll have dozens of volunteers.”
She was so shocked by his response, she just stood there when he turned, marched into his bedroom, and slammed the door. She’d never had a man turn his back on her. He thought she was prepared to use him for her own needs without any thought for his. Jolted out of her immobility, she crossed the hall and opened the door to his room. He was standing at the window staring out into the night. The moonlight cast his body into silhouette. He hadn’t begun to undress.
“What do you want now?” he asked.
“I didn’t mean it like it sounded.”
He didn’t turn around. “How did you mean it?”
How did she mean it? Everything had happened so fast, had been so unexpected, she wasn’t sure she could say. She only knew she had to make him understand he was the only one who could help her.
“I’ve always been afraid to let any man touch me. It wasn’t just what my father did. I’ve known women who’ve been beaten, even killed, by the men who said they loved them. I’ve known still more who’ve told me how painful sex was, how much they disliked it, that they’d do practically anything never to do it again.”
Zeke kept his back to her. “Haven’t you known anybody who was happy to be with a man?”
“Yes, but that’s not why I want to be with you.”
Zeke turned to face her but kept the width of the room between them. “What changed your mind?”
“You did. When you kissed me, you were so gentle I wasn’t frightened. I liked having your arms around me. I liked having you kiss me. I liked it so much I was almost angry Dusky Lady chose that time to have her foals.”
“It still sounds like you’re just looking for information.”
She’d thought men were inherently incapable of keeping their hands off any willing woman, yet Zeke had not taken a single step toward her.
“Before I met you, I was certain I didn’t want anything to do with men. I thought being married was the same as being a slave. I thought men were incapable of anything but lust. I believed children were simply a by-product of that lust, and that men only stayed married because they needed someone to take care of them. I didn’t believe in love. I thought it was something women made up to make them feel better about putting up with men.”
“What about Anna?”
“She was afraid she’d be left to grow old alone.”
“And you aren’t?”
“I wanted to grow old alone. Then I met you, and you confused me.”
Zeke slowly closed the space between them. “How did I do that?”
She wished she could see his eyes, but she’d left the lamp in the hall. “I was mean to you, but you were never mean back. I was ungrateful and kept trying to drive you away, but you kept right on taking care of me. You were kind and gentle. You put what I wanted before what you wanted.”
“Put that in a letter to Isabelle. She’ll be pleased to know I really do know how to treat a lady. It’s late. You’ve got a lot to do tomorrow.”
“I don’t understand. What did I say wrong? Why are you trying to get rid of me?”
“You don’t know, do you?”
“No.” It sounded like the pitiful wail of a child, but she didn’t care. Zeke was the key to a future she’d always thought she didn’t want. All that had changed now. She couldn’t let this chance slip away. “Please tell me what I did wrong.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Then why—”
“I did.” He stepped closer, reached out and touched her lips with his fingers. “I fell in love with you even though you warned me against it every way you could. It’s not just your beauty. I love your strength, your spirit, your intelligence, and your stubbornness. You don’t lie and you don’t pretend. I want to spend my days working by your side, my nights sleeping with you next to me. I want your face to be the last thing I see before I close my eyes and the first thing I see when I open them. I want to know you’re near, because even when I can’t see you that makes me happy. I want to teach you to believe in love as much as I do. Isabelle and Jake adopted eleven orphans who hated the world, sometimes hated themselves, and who believed love was a fairy tale. I know that love is real because I saw it transform our lives. It’s because I love you, because of what love means to me, that I can’t be just an experiment for you.”
At last she understood. He was putting everything on the table and offering it all to her. He wouldn’t accept anything less from her.
“I’m not sure I can love like that, but I want to try. You’re the only one who can help me.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, but I don’t think I’ve ever been quite this scared in my whole life.”
Zeke’s palm cupped her cheek. “You know I’d never hurt you.”
She was trembling. “Some of the girls told me terrible stories.”
“Forget them.”
She’d try, but now that she’d committed herself, now that she was convinced Zeke wasn’t just trying to use her, all her fears returned. Was she doing the right thing, or was she letting her body control her mind? She was young and healthy. Zeke was big and handsome. Nature had arranged it so they couldn’t help being attracted to each other, but lovemaking had to be based on more than animal attraction to make surrender worthwhile.
Zeke pulled her into an embrace. “If you don’t like something or don’t understand it, just let me know and I’ll stop. There’s nothing to be afraid of.”
He held her against him so close she could feel his heart beating. She was amazed to discover it was beating even faster than hers. He rested his cheek on the top of her head and wrapped his arms around her. She was certain she’d never get enough of this feeling of strength, of being protected from the world. She was more than ready when he put his fingers under her chin, tipped her head back, and kissed her. She’d been thinking of this almost every moment since he’d kissed her. This time she didn’t wait. She stood on tiptoes and kissed him back with all the energy she’d been saving up for years and years. It seemed that the longer she kissed him, the more she needed to be kissed.
Josie had always disliked being touched, but now she couldn’t get enough of his caresses. Her conscious dislike had obscured an unconscious need that now careened out of control. She wound her arms around Zeke’s neck, buried her fingers in his hair, gripped his scalp with both hands, and pulled him into a kiss so fierce it bruised her lips. But she didn’t care. She wanted more. She molded her body to his, chest to chest, thigh to thigh, but she wasn’t prepared for him to thrust his tongue between her teeth. Surprise caused her body to freeze. Zeke broke the kiss.
“Is something wrong?”
She hardly knew how to answer. Her mind told her one thing, instinct another—but Zeke said he loved her, had refused to touch her again until she said she wanted to learn to love. If he wanted to kiss her like that, it must be all right. “No.” He didn’t look convinced, but he didn’t resist when she renewed their kiss.
Sensations from different parts of her body fought for her attention. His tongue’s invasion of her mouth was wildly exciting. It was so unexpected, so deliciously erotic, she could hardly believe it was happening to her. At the same time, her nipples had responded to the pressure of Zeke’s chest. They had become hard and extremely sensitive. It was a wonderful ache that caused her to rub against him. Her hands remained locked around his neck, but his hands wandered over her back from her shoulders to the small of her back, to the sw
ell of her hips and buttocks. Taken together, the combination was rapidly reducing her bones to the consistency of wet rawhide.
While on one hand her strength was fading away, Zeke’s kisses and the feel of his body against hers had tapped into a new source of energy that caused her to feel she was about to jump out of her skin. Every nerve in her body crackled with tiny bolts of energy. Even her muscles were filled with a pleasant ache. She’d never known her body could feel like this. When Zeke’s hand moved to cover her breast, she found there was still more to come.
His fingers teased her swollen nipple, and the layers of clothing seemed to melt away. She felt exposed, wanting to pull away yet unable to move. When his other hand cupped her bottom and pulled her against his erection, she gasped. The reality of what was about to happen burst upon her in one blinding flash. She broke their kiss and pulled back.
“Did I frighten you?”
Yes, but the fact that he had let her pull back banished her fear. Her heartbeat slowed, and some of the tension left her body. She reached out, touched his chest with both hands. “Sometimes you surprise me, and I need a few minutes to get used to what’s happening.”
His hands had dropped to his sides. She took them and placed them over her breasts. She breathed a little more deeply when he began unbuttoning her dress, but she didn’t pull back. The feel of his hands through her clothes had whetted her desire to feel his touch on her bare skin. Each released button caused a little gasp until her body screamed to exhale. When his work-roughened hands touched the tops of her tender breasts, the air left her body all at once.
She hadn’t stopped to think that a man who worked with his hands would have such callused skin. Yet his touch was gentle. He teased her nipples until they ached. When he bent down and took one into his mouth, Josie’s legs gave out from under her. In one fluid movement, Zeke caught her and laid her on the bed. She had barely recovered her breath before he took her nipple in his mouth once more. While he teased and tortured her to the point she was writhing under him, he let his hand roam over her side, her belly, her hips, her thighs. Before she knew it, her whole body was on fire.
She was incapable of objecting when he deftly removed her dress and shift, but the night air on a body that had never been exposed to a man’s view quickly cooled the heat in her belly, and she found herself terribly self-conscious. She had to fight the desire to cover herself. She forgot her own discomfort when Zeke started to undress in front of her without any hesitation. The snug fit of his clothes had made her familiar with the shape of his body, but seeing the details emerge one by one caused the dwindling fire inside her to blaze up once more.
When he sat down on the edge of the bed to remove his boots, she couldn’t resist running her hand over his back. She paused when she felt some ridges across his shoulders. “Where did you get these?”
“I’ll tell you sometime, but not tonight.”
He pulled off his socks and stood to remove his pants. What Josie saw when he turned to her nearly took her breath away. It was impossible. He was too large. She couldn’t—
“Move over so I can lie next to you.”
Helpless to act counter to instinct, Josie moved over. Zeke lay down and ran his hand up and down her arm. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”
Zeke continued to touch her gently. He kissed her forehead, even her nose. Gradually Josie’s fears receded enough so she could reach out and touch Zeke. Her whole body was covered with goose bumps, but his skin was hot to the touch. She liked that he had no hair on his chest. The smooth softness was exhilarating. He quivered when she touched his nipple. It surprised and pleased her that she could give him some of the pleasure he’d given her. With a growl, he pounced on her, his tongue and lips hungrily attacking her breast, while his fingertips traced designs on her belly.
At first it was only dimly perceived, but the heat radiating out from her belly gradually made itself known. It was like a small fire that grew in intensity, then began to spread out. She couldn’t describe the sensation, but it was as if her body were gradually being absorbed by something new.
Suddenly she realized Zeke’s hand was no longer on her stomach. It had moved down her hip and across her thigh to the inside of her leg. Reflex caused her to clamp her knees together.
“Open for me,” Zeke whispered. “I won’t hurt you.”
She knew he wouldn’t, but it took all her courage to relax. She forgot everything but that he was approaching the most private part of her body. He stroked the insides of her legs until the last tension was released.
“This will feel strange at first, but it won’t hurt.”
Her entire body went rigid when his finger moved inside her. She braced herself for the pain she’d heard about, but it didn’t come. Instead, tiny waves of pleasure began to emerge like ripples on the surface of a pond. The more Zeke moved inside her, the greater the pleasure, the more she was able to relax until she felt almost limp. Then Zeke touched something that nearly lifted her off the bed. She felt like she’d been struck by lightning. Her whole body was on fire.
“What are you doing?” Her voice was unsteady, her words barely distinguishable between gasping breaths.
“Trying to convince you there’s no pain, only pleasure.”
The pleasure was so intense it was almost painful. Josie would never have believed anything could feel like this. Zeke moved a second finger inside her, but it only increased the pleasure. The heat in her belly was rapidly spreading throughout her body. The waves of pleasure grew more intense, started coming faster, until Josie’s body arched off the bed. She heard herself groan—once she cried out—but she couldn’t control anything. She was completely in the grip of what Zeke was doing to her.
She gripped the sheets in her hands. She reached out and tried to pull Zeke to her, but he was immovable. She writhed on the bed, tried to pull away from him, but he wouldn’t release her. The aching need grew so intense, she let out a cry. As she did, the tension broke and seemed to flow from her like rushing water.
Josie didn’t know what she’d expected, but it was nothing like this. If it felt like this for men, no wonder they couldn’t stop thinking about it. The wonderful feeling of well-being fled when Zeke rose above her.
“This won’t hurt.”
How could it not? This had to be what the women had told her about. She tried not to, but she tensed when he pushed against her entrance. Zeke pulled back and used his fingers. Seeking the pleasure his hand had given her, Josie relaxed and pushed against him. Immediately, Zeke withdrew his hand and entered her. Before she knew it, he had filled her completely. It didn’t hurt, only gave her a sensation of fullness. When he began to move inside her, the longed-for feelings of pleasure began to twine their seductive tentacles around her once more. Within moments, she had wrapped her arms and legs around Zeke, trying to pull him deeper inside her.
Through the haze of her pleasure, she gradually became aware of Zeke’s quickening breaths, his deep moans, the gradually increasing speed of his lovemaking. She watched the expression on his face change as his pleasure caught up with hers. If she hadn’t known better, she’d have thought he was in pain, but she’d just had the same experience moments ago. She knew what he was feeling because she’d felt it herself, was feeling it again. Yielding to instinct, her body rose to meet him, to take him deeper inside so he could reach the core of her need, which seemed to remain just out of reach.
Just when she felt herself reaching the edge of the precipice, Zeke’s body stiffened and his movements lost their smoothness. Then he uttered a guttural cry and she felt him spill himself inside her. That was all it took to send her over the edge as well. Moments later, they collapsed on the bed side by side, their bodies completely wrung out.
Josie had hardly spoken a word since they’d got up that morning. She didn’t avoid his gaze, but there was a veil over her eyes. “I expect everyone will be in for breakfast soon,” Zeke said when he finished grinding the cof
fee beans.
“It’ll be ready.”
She was at the stove, her back to him, as she fried slices off a ham Laurie’s parents had given them. As soon as that was done, she’d fry some eggs Adam had found yesterday. Zeke’s biscuits were in the oven, and the water was hot for coffee.
“We need to talk.”
She turned to him. “I know, but I don’t know what I want to do.”
The bottom seemed to fall out of his stomach. “I don’t understand. Last night you said you loved me.” They had lain awake for nearly an hour while she explained to him why she’d been so afraid of men and how making love with him had changed everything.
“I do love you, but I don’t know that I can be the wife you want.”
Maybe he’d been reading too much into everything she’d said, hearing what he wanted to hear rather than her reservations. “How do you mean?”
She took the ham off the stove, reached for a bowl, and began to crack eggs. “I hated the farm when I was growing up. I hated cooking, cleaning, and looking after livestock. It was a hard life with no excitement, no variety, nothing to make me look forward to the next day.”
He wanted to tell her that having a husband and children would change that, but then he realized a family would actually mean more cooking and cleaning. He started to tell her they didn’t have to stay on the ranch, that he and Hawk would be making trips to buy and sell horses, but he knew isolation wasn’t really the problem. Josie just wasn’t able to bring herself to commit to him. She might say it was the ranch, but if she loved him as much as he loved her, she’d agree to live on the moon. “What are you going to do?”
She turned from him to finish cracking the eggs. “I’ve got to talk to Suzette. I can’t just leave her in the lurch. I thought we might go to Tombstone and get a job. I need time to think.” She turned back to him. “It’s hard for me to be objective with you here.”
“It’s supposed to be impossible for you to be objective with me here,” Zeke said, ready to beat his head against the wall. “That’s what being in love is all about. You don’t count the cost. You just do it.”
The Mavericks Page 28