“We’ll stay until they stand and nurse,” Suzette said. “After that, we can decide what to do next.”
Josie felt almost jealous when Dusky Lady came to claim the foal in her lap. She knew the mare and foals had to bond, but she felt as if the filly belonged to her. She had to force herself not to shoo the mare away.
The next half hour was one of the most rewarding Josie had ever spent. She and Suzette continued to stimulate the foals by rubbing them gently, while Dusky Lady moved back and forth from one to the other, licking each with her rough, powerful tongue. All too soon, Josie’s filly began to struggle to her feet. The first effort ended before she got one leg under her.
“Let her do it by herself,” Hawk said when Josie rose to help her. “She won’t always have you to do things for her.”
Josie hated it when the filly tried to stand and fell. She was certain Suzette felt the same as they watched both fillies get one, two, three, and finally four legs under them. It was fun to watch them stagger about on long, spindly legs that didn’t yet have the muscle tone to support their tiny bodies. Yet it was sad, because their success meant they didn’t need Josie and Suzette anymore. With a little help from Hawk and Zeke, the two fillies found their mother’s teats and began to nurse.
“How will you tell them apart?” Suzette asked. “They’re identical.”
“We don’t have to worry about that.”
“Of course you do,” Josie said. “I want to know which is my filly.”
Her filly was on the mare’s right flank. Okay, it was silly to talk about her filly, but she had already bonded to the little creature. “I think we ought to mark them.”
“How?” Hawk asked.
“I have an idea.” Grinning, Zeke took out his pocket knife and opened it. “I’ll carve a J in Josie’s filly’s hoof and an S in Suzette’s.”
Josie started to object even though she knew it wouldn’t hurt. The fillies didn’t stop nursing while Zeke carved the initials in their hooves.
“I think we ought to call one Josie and the other Suzette,” Zeke said, pleased with his work. “Now you can go to bed.”
Both Josie and Suzette looked at him as if he were crazy.
“Then we’ll go to sleep,” Hawk said. “Wake us if you need us.”
Then, much to Josie’s surprise and consternation, the two men lay down on bedrolls and proceeded to fall asleep almost at once.
“I can’t believe they did that,” Suzette said, but a dreamy smile lit up her eyes.
“I can,” Josie said. “That’s men all over. Once they’ve had their fun, they go to sleep and leave the real work to the women.”
But somehow she didn’t mind. She had a lot to think about, and maybe talking to Suzette would help her come up with some answers.
Suzette was exhausted. After staying up talking most of the night, she didn’t know how Josie had the energy to clean the house from top to bottom. It hadn’t been too hard to get rid of the dust and dirt in the three other rooms, but the kitchen had taken the better part of the afternoon. She was so tired she didn’t think she could summon the energy to eat, much less cook.
She knew Josie was running on nervous energy that stemmed from not being able to make up her mind about Zeke. An odd light gleamed in Josie’s eyes. Suzette decided it was one of Josie’s repressed instincts coming to the surface, this one the pride a woman takes in having a well-ordered house. Josie looked about the kitchen with satisfaction.
“Now I won’t mind cooking dinner in here.”
The walls had been scrubbed free of grease. All the cabinets, shelves, and other surfaces had been cleared of their contents, scrubbed, and everything replaced in order. The stove—the biggest hurdle—had finally been scrubbed clean of grease and soot and cleared of old ashes. The nickel surfaces of knobs and decorations gleamed. The stoneware jug had been filled with fresh water, the basket with kindling, and the coffee can with freshly roasted beans. The churn had been scrubbed and was ready for use as soon as the men found the milk cow.
“It’ll probably look like we found it a week after we leave,” Josie said.
Suzette didn’t comment. She’d finally decided what she wanted to do, but she couldn’t say anything until she talked to Hawk. She believed Josie was denying with her mind what her actions indicated she wanted, but she’d said all she intended to say last night. It was up to Josie now.
The loud “hello” from outside sent the two women hurrying from the house in time to see Jordy ride into the yard. Adam followed a little way behind with the wagon.
“Got your stuff,” Jordy said. “Do you really wear those things when you dance?”
“You looked inside our trunks?” Josie asked.
“Just curious,” Jordy said. “I’ve never seen what dancers wear.”
“That’s a bald-faced lie,” Adam said as he pulled the wagon to a stop. “You never pass a saloon or a dance hall without a look inside.”
“I don’t know what such pretty women wear,” Jordy protested. “I figured it had to be something different. They got nothing to hide.”
“I expect your smooth tongue has gotten you out of a lot of jams,” Suzette said. Jordy’s cheeky grin made her grin right back.
“Not all the time,” Adam said as he climbed down from the wagon. “Hen has had to break his head a couple of times.”
“You’re no angel,” Jordy replied as he dismounted. “You got anything to eat? Neither one of us can cook worth a damn.”
“Dinner will be ready in about an hour,” Josie said. “In the meantime, you can help find the milk cow.”
“You should have asked me,” Jordy said. “I know where she is.”
Suzette went back inside, picked up a pail, walked back out, and handed it to Jordy. “Find her and fill this.”
“I don’t milk cows.” He looked offended.
“Then I guess you don’t eat, either.”
“That’s blackmail.”
“It’s called working for your supper.”
Suzette didn’t know which was funnier, Jordy’s disgust or Adam’s undisguised amusement. “You,” she said, turning to the younger boy, “can bring a couple of trunks inside, then find me a chicken for dinner.”
“Want to trade?” Jordy asked.
“Nope,” Adam said, heading for the back of the wagon. “You’re the one who’s supposed to be so good with females.”
Suzette decided she was going to miss those two boys.
Hawk had come to a decision. He knew he should have talked to Zeke first, but it was something Hawk had to do. He didn’t yet know how, but he’d find a way to make it right with Zeke.
“I feel bad about sending the boys off to watch the horses,” Suzette said.
“Why? It’s what we hired them to do.” He thought they were probably happier by themselves. Besides, he didn’t like the way Jordy was looking at Suzette. The women treated the boys like younger brothers, but there was nothing brotherly in the way Jordy looked at them.
“Still, we took their beds.”
“They got a good supper in exchange. Judging from the way Jordy ate, I’d say he thinks he got a bargain.”
As he laid out his bedroll, Hawk tried not to think that this could be the last night he would spend with Suzette. His proposal would offer a solution to only one problem. The biggest one—himself—would still remain.
In the nearby corral, the sound of Dusky Lady busily cropping grass reminded him that his and Hawk’s plans for the ranch were coming to fruition. They had all the mares they needed, a fine stud horse, and enough land to support three times as many horses as they owned. After two decades of roaming the West, they had a place to settle down and a reason to stay. He looked at the two fillies that were sprawled out sleeping. He hoped Zeke wouldn’t want to sell them.
“You’ve been awfully quiet this evening.” Rather than sit down next to him, Suzette had settled on the other bedroll, facing him.
“Hard to get a word in edgewise with Jordy
around.” But that wasn’t the reason for his reticence. He’d won a hard battle with his conscience. He was still convinced he was doing a terrible thing to Zeke, but he couldn’t do anything else.
“I got the feeling it had nothing to do with Jordy.”
Hawk was used to Zeke knowing what was in his mind, but he hadn’t expected Suzette to be able to do it, too. “It didn’t. It had to do with you.”
“I’ve been thinking about you, too,” Suzette said. “I want you to come with me to Quebec.”
She couldn’t have said anything that would have surprised Hawk more. “I can’t do that.”
“Of course you can.”
“No, I can’t. The people there would never accept me.”
“I don’t care.”
“You will. They might not do anything to you, but you can be sure your sister would never make the kind of marriage you want for her.”
“If the man really loves her—”
Hawk leaned forward to take Suzette’s hands in his. “I love that you’re willing to face the world with me as your husband, but it would ruin your plans for your sister. As soon as they know you married a half-breed, folks will turn their backs on both of you.”
“That doesn’t matter to me.”
“It does to me. Just think how our children would be treated.” He could tell from her expression that she’d never really believed it would work, but she was willing to risk anything to keep from losing him. That made what he was about to do easier. “I have a better solution.”
“What?”
He was sorry he’d said it that way. He could tell she expected more than he was able to offer. “All you really need is the money to support yourself and your sister until she gets married. After that, you can do as you wish.”
“I don’t have that much money.”
“I can give it to you.”
The happiness that glowed briefly in her eyes gradually faded. “How can you do that?”
He swallowed. Even after reaching the decision, it was hard to put into words, hard to give up the dream of a lifetime. “I’ll sell my share of the horses and the ranch. That will give you—”
“No!”
“But I want to do it for you. After your sister is married, you can—”
Suzette jerked her hands from his grasp. “Do you think I’d take your money and spoil everything you’ve been working for? What kind of woman do you think I am?”
“It would enable you to—”
“I don’t care what it would enable me to do. I love you. You can’t think I’d do anything like that.”
Hawk had been afraid she’d refuse. In a way, he was relieved he didn’t have to betray Zeke, but he couldn’t give up Suzette. If he helped her take care of her sister, maybe she’d come back to him. Now it looked like he would lose her altogether. “Then what are you going to do?”
“I’m going to stay here with you.”
He couldn’t believe his ears. “What about your sister?”
“I’ve been thinking about Cicely. After the way my stepfather treated us, I’m not sure I want her to marry into society, after all. If you’re willing, I thought she could spend the summer with us, get to know what people are like here.”
Hawk let out a war whoop that brought the twin fillies scrambling to their feet and Dusky Lady rushing to their defense. He moved next to Suzette, took her face in his hands. “Does that mean you’ll marry me?”
“What did you think I meant?”
Suzette’s smile was so warm it nearly undid him. “That’s what I thought you meant. But I wanted it so much, I was afraid it couldn’t be true. I don’t even know why you love me, much less why you want to marry me.”
“I covet one of Dusky Lady’s fillies, and I couldn’t think of any other way to get her.”
With a shout of laughter, Hawk smothered Suzette in a crushing embrace. As far as he was concerned, she could have all his horses as long as he was part of the bargain.
Here they were again, facing each other in the hall, neither wanting to be the first to go to bed. Zeke didn’t know what to say. He was even less sure of what to do now than he had been earlier. Josie had allowed him to kiss her, but since then she’d acted as though nothing had happened. For a woman who’d never been kissed before, she seemed pretty much unaffected by their embrace. Zeke had been rejected lots of times, but no woman had ever been indifferent to him. “That was a good supper you fixed tonight.”
“Do you really want to talk about food?” she asked.
Food was the furthest thing from his mind. He’d actually had to think hard to come up with something to say that wouldn’t show he had practically tied himself in knots to keep from taking her into his arms and kissing her breathless. He couldn’t think about anything but how wonderful it had felt and how he’d give up practically everything he owned to be able to do it again. “Not really, but I didn’t want to say anything that would upset you.”
“I’ve been dancing for men since I was sixteen. After seven years of being ravaged by their eyes and despoiled in their minds, there’s nothing fragile about me.”
It shocked Zeke to realize she knew so little about herself. She’d built a hard shell around herself to survive with her self-respect intact, much the same way he and Hawk had done, but she was far more vulnerable than they ever had been. “If I believed that, I wouldn’t be standing here now.”
“Why are you standing here?”
Did he dare tell her the truth? She’d been running from her fears her whole life. Was he fooling himself when he believed he could give her reason to stop? She wasn’t a woman who liked to admit she’d been wrong. Besides, just because he was ready to give up everything he owned for her, that didn’t mean she felt the same way about him. She’d spent seven years having men fawn over her, tell her she was beautiful, offer virtually anything if she’d give herself to them. She’d lived in hotels that catered to her comfort, eaten in fine restaurants, and been paid far better than the men she entertained. Why would she be willing to give that up to live on a dusty ranch where she had to work from morning to night?
Still, he couldn’t let her go without telling her the truth. The love he’d searched for all his life was within his reach. It wouldn’t be fair to himself to leave unsaid what was in his heart. He didn’t know if she wanted love as much as he did, but he knew she had to like him a lot to have allowed him to kiss her. It wouldn’t be fair not to let her know that he loved her so much it would be safe for her to risk her heart on him. “I’m standing here because I hope you’ll let me kiss you again.”
“Is that all you want?”
What was she trying to do, pull his guts out and force him to look at them? She had to know he couldn’t be satisfied with a kiss. She wasn’t just another woman in a long line of women to occupy his attention and take up his time for a few days or months before he moved on. But maybe she didn’t know because he’d never told her. “I’m not sure I should tell you what I want.”
“Why?”
“Because it might scare you too much.”
“Nothing can scare me,” she said.
Only a person who was too petrified to think straight could make a statement like that. He’d faced bloodthirsty killers, rampaging steers, and hungry wild animals with less fear than he felt facing the one woman who had captured his heart. Even if she didn’t understand it, he knew both their futures were teetering on the edge.
“I’m scared enough for both of us.” Zeke expected some response. When he got none, he said, “I don’t want to say or do the wrong thing.”
“Just say it. I told you—you can’t hurt me.”
“I wish I were half that strong. You can hurt me far more than you know.”
“You don’t look like a weak man.”
Time to stop putting it off. He had to bite the bullet and say his piece. “I’m weak when it comes to you. All you have to do is smile at me, and I can’t think of anything else. Hell, I haven’t been able to
think of much else from the moment I saw you, and you did your best to make it clear you wanted nothing to do with me.”
“I said I was wrong, that I was sorry about that.”
“That made it worse.”
“How?”
“Because now I’m in love with you.” Her eyes seemed to grow wider, but nothing else changed. He started to grow desperate. Had he been mistaken about that kiss? He thought she’d finally let down the barrier and allowed him inside. “I know you want nothing to do with a man like me, and you want even less to do with a ranch, but there it is. I love you, and I can’t do anything about it.” He’d expected some response at last, but she continued to stare at him as if she hadn’t understood a word he’d said. Or maybe they weren’t words she wanted to hear, and she was trying to think of a way to let him down easy. “I thought you liked it when we kissed, but I guess I was wrong.”
“I liked it fine.”
“Then what’s wrong?”
“I want more.”
Chapter Twenty
Josie didn’t know how she’d found the courage to utter those words. Every word out of Zeke’s mouth, every expression that crossed his face, had convinced her he loved her as she’d never thought possible. Yet, knowing that, she still hadn’t been able to dispel the fear that held her in its grasp. Her mother had loved her husband, but that hadn’t made him treat her as an equal. Her father had loved her, but that hadn’t stopped him from looking at her with lust in his eyes. Maybe men had said they loved her, but none had cared enough to wear down her resistance.
Yet she’d never been able to turn her back on Zeke. Every time she tried, he did something to undermine her resolve. He’d smiled at her after she’d been rude, talked to her when she glared at him in stony silence, made biscuits when she thought men felt they were too good to cook. She still might have been able to hold out if he hadn’t kissed her. After that, she was lost. Even if it ended up being the most painful thing she’d ever done, she had to find out what it meant to be loved by a man.
“Are you sure?” Zeke looked stunned. “If you’ve never been kissed, then you’ve never . . .” He left the sentence unfinished.
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