Falling

by L C Smith

  “Dad wanted me to see if you'd found it?” Keller says. “Really he wants you to say that he is brilliant.” He stops when I wipe at my face and sniff quietly. “What happened?”

  I stand up straight and wipe the last traces of wetness off my face. “Nothing. I'm all good.” I try to laugh, but I realise the contrast to what I said and how I look cancel the words out.

  “What happened?” He comes closer, pulling on the bottom edge of my hoodie, pulling me so I'm standing right in front of him without quite touching. “I saw Megan at the front. She's an odd person.” He says filling the silence.

  He waits for me to say something while I stare at my feet. I haven't cried in years, and the one time I do it's because of Megan, and of course, Keller sees me do it.

  He pushes me slightly away to look at my face. “Did she say something to you?”

  I get redder. “No, it's … It's me. I'm just having a moment.” I laugh at my own stupidity.

  “Is it me? Did I do something wrong?” He ducks his head down so he can peer up into my face.

  “No, really nothing is wrong. I just … things were said, and I cried.” I point to myself as if that should explain everything. “I don't know why, usually nothing Megan says really bothers me, and it wasn't even like it was that bad. I just … I don't know.”

  “Had a moment?” He offers.

  “Yip. But really I'm fine.” I laugh again. He is going to think I need to be committed.

  “You’re sure?” He asks, completely accepting my honesty.

  “Yip.” I nod, my voice back to normal. The tears have stopped as suddenly as they appeared. But my eyes are still hot are red and probably puffy.

  “You finished here?” He asks gently.

  “I look crappy don't I?” I interrupt him pouting.

  “No.” He laughs. “Sorry, no, you don't.” He pulls an, I'm-being-serious face.

  “Sorry. I'm not usually a big crier.” I fan my face with my hands trying to cool down my eyes.

  “Do you want to hang out here for a bit longer?” He offers.

  “Nah, I'm done. But ...” I pull a face. “I'm not sure if I should go back with you.” I close one eye, trying to figure out how to say this without making it seem like I'm going to cry again. Or that I don't like his dad. “I think your dad thinks I should wait until you're finished work.”

  Keller sighs.

  “Don't get me wrong.” I rush on. “Argh.” I spit out frustrated with myself. “I'm sorry. I'm being a princess. Don't worry about what I said. I'm all good.”

  “What did he say to you?” I have no idea why he’s starting to smile.

  “Nothing. Really it's all good.” I add.

  He raises one eyebrow at me while leaning his head to the side, which means that he doesn't believe a word of it.

  “I don't know what he said, but he thinks you’re cool. He wasn't a big fan of Hayden. He thinks it's funny that you come to work with me.”

  I think about it. It didn't sound like he was saying that. “Are you sure? I don't want to make things weird for you.” Not much less princess, but, better than crying.

  “If that's all your problem is, let's go.” He tugs on my hand and leads me out of my hiding place.

  “I've got to check these out.” I pull him to a stop. “Keller. I have books.”

  He looks back at me. “Over there then.”

  He continues tugging on me, just in the direction of the self-serve checkouts. I swipe each one, putting them straight back in my bag.

  “So you did get a book?”

  “I didn't just come here to cry,” I say indignant. “I really have an assignment on this stuff. Did you know that someone actually wrote a book commentating on Shakespeare?” I hold it up. “And it's massive. And I'm going to have to read it; at least some of it.” I screw up my face, putting it in my bag with its friend.

  “I'm sorry for you.” He says solemnly.

  Still tugging me, we march past the front door, past Megan still hogging all the chairs at the window. Keller is pulling on my hand three steps ahead of me.

  “Was I right?” John asks while I am still half outside the store.

  “You were. It was, very, um, impressive,” I say delicately.

  “Yes. I am that awesome. You can be too, someday.” He nods his head like he is serious.

  Chapter Nine

  “Reid, you look so pretty.” Sara gushes at me.

  “Thanks.” I stand perfectly still in front of the mirror. “I really don't look too bad.” My new jeans are sitting perfectly under my new silver top, I turn to the side to watch my, usually tied up, long hair fall down my back.

  “No you look great. Keller’s going to choke when he sees you.”

  “I wouldn't go that far.” I roll my eyes at her. “You're just being nice so I'll take you next time we go out.”

  “Well, I wouldn't mind coming, but you do look fabulous.”

  “Thanks.” This time I grin at her in the mirror.

  My phone buzzes, and I lift it to my ear. “Are you coming down any time soon?” Keller asks.

  “Soon.”

  “Megan is standing by the gate,” he says. The sound is muffled like he's shielding his phone with something.

  “Okay. I'll be there in a minute.”

  “She looks hot,” Sara calls to the phone over my shoulder.

  “She always looks hot,” he says back like I’m not here.

  “Oh, thanks,” I say, my voice catching in my throat.

  “Please come quickly.” He begs. “She just waved at me. I'm scared.”

  “Okay, I'm coming now.” I shove my phone in my pocket, take one last swipe with my lip gloss and Sara pushes both hands on my back and shuts the door behind me.

  I walk past Megan silently. I wish my brain would store all the things I think about saying to her for when I actually see her. But all I end up doing is saying nothing.

  “You do look hot, Miss South,” Keller announces over the top of his car.

  I so want to turn around and look at Megan, but I can't really beat what Keller said. So I get into his car without looking in her direction.”

  “Take me away from here.” I say to him as soon as I’m in. “I have my leave pass and I don’t want to come back until I absolutely have to.”

  “Sounds good to me.” He drives away just as Megan disappears back inside.

  “You really look amazing Reid.” Keller whispers while we stand in line getting our tickets for the movie.

  “Thanks.”

  “I don’t think I have ever seen you with your hair not tied up.” He pulls on the end of it gently.

  “That’s because I don’t leave it down. It gets in my way.”

  “Oh.” He thinks about it.

  * * *

  “Oh my goodness.” I stretch my arms up after sitting in the dark for close to two hours. “That was the funniest movie ever.” I stand close behind Keller as we shuffle toward the exit.

  “I am going to buy it the second it comes out on DVD.” He slinks his arm across my shoulders, staring far away. “So thank you for making me go. Your movie choosing privileges are restored.”

  “Thank you.” I bow.

  We push through the crowd and finally make it out onto the street, there are more people out here than inside. He grabs my hand and pulls me running toward the other side of the street. We melt into a huge crowd walking further into the city, laughing hysterically at lines from the movie.

  I try to pull in more oxygen but I get the hiccups instead, which makes Keller laugh harder. He stumbles, tripping over his feet as he looks back down the street. We find a park bench and sit down. We watch people walk past us as we sit away from the street untouched by the street lamp.

  Keller pulls me into his chest while I hiccup every few seconds. “You need to breathe deeply,” he instructs me. “I read somewhere that it is an irregularity of breathing that causes hiccups.”

  He breathes deeply with me, trying to stop the
laughing.

  “What were …,” hiccup, “you reading?” I can barely get the words out between each squeak.

  “You know,” he laughs. “A bit of this and that.”

  “So, where are you going for the holiday weekend?” He asks.

  Anniversary weekend is coming up, I had planned on staying at school. But they are shutting it, so I have to go home. Seeing as I don't have a home, I have to go to my aunt's house. Not that it's bad. I would just rather stay here. Especially since John told me two days ago that Hayden is coming home for the break to see her parents.

  “Probably to my aunt's house,” I say trying to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth.

  “Why don't you go home?” He asks surprised.

  “I don't have a home,” I answer shrugging. It still surprises me how easily I can say that. Another hiccup bubbles out. I feel Keller's chest rise under my head as he mocks me with his own fake hiccup.

  “What do you mean? Are your parents moving or something?”

  I don't say anything. Instead I let my eyes close feeling Keller’s warmth under my cheek. I don't feel like laughing anymore.

  Some days I wish I had my mum here. I wish she could know Keller. I wish I had someone to talk to, who had to love me regardless. Someone who I could know would never leave me. Then out of nowhere, just like the other day at the library, tears start to slide down my face, and my shoulders begin to shudder.

  “Reid, what's wrong? What did I say? Are they moving?”

  “No,” I whisper. This crying is out of control, he’s going to think I tear up at anything. “They are dead. I don't have a home because I don't have a family. I have to go to my aunt’s house because I don't have anywhere else to go. I don't have anyone else.”

  I pause. “Wow, that was really dramatic.” I sniff loudly. “It’s not as trashy-novel plot as I made it sound.”

  “Reid. I am so sorry. Was it long ago? Is that why you are at boarding school?” He runs both thumbs under my eyes wiping away all the tears before pulling my head against his shoulder again.

  I nod my head; meaning why I'm at boarding school, and the tears continue to spill.

  “This is your fault.” I say, trying to smile. “I never cry. Then I meet you, and I get found crying in the library. Then you take me out and make me cry.”

  “It's okay that you are crying. It's massive.”

  I sigh. “Yeah. But it was a long time ago. I miss them still, and they were great. I wish they were still here. But they aren't, and ...” I shrug my shoulders. “It just is.”

  I stop talking, this isn't the best date conversation material. It's only slightly depressing.

  “What happened?” He looks so concerned.

  “Car accident. A truck crossed the centre line and ploughed into us.” I make exploding movements with my hands, following it with my eyes.

  “Really. Were you in the car?”

  I move my head up and down once. “In the back seat. The doctors could never explain how I managed to survive the impact. The only thing they could think was that the side-airbag inflated slightly before the crash. Almost like the car anticipated it happening.”

  He looks at me wide-eyed. “Man,” he says, rubbing his neck. “I thought I had it bad when my mum left with one of the college guys that worked for my dad.”

  “That sucks. I'm sorry. I like your dad. He's cool. Random, but cool.”

  “Yeah he's not too bad. But what happened to you. Are you all right? Sorry I don't really know what to say. I wasn't really prepared for you to say they died. You don't talk about them much but I didn't think, you know. Sorry I need to stop talking, I keep saying they died. Oh my goodness. I did it again. I'm shutting up.” He holds his hand over his mouth.

  “It's okay.” I say, starting to laugh at his frustrated expression. “I know they died. It isn't shocking to hear anymore.”

  “Was it?” He removes his hand.

  “It was. Whenever someone would say something, it was like it was happening all over again. One day I was a normal thirteen year old just out with my mum and dad. Then they were gone, and I had no one. The first time someone said I was an orphan, I cried so much I felt like I was going to suffocate. It felt like I was being crushed and choked at the same time.”

  Keller pulls me into his chest in a tight hug. “I am so sorry for you. We can stop talking about it if you want.”

  “No.” I say quickly. “No, it's nice to talk about them. I don't ever talk about them. Sometimes I don't talk about them for so long, they seem less real. It has been almost four years now, and I don't know how much longer they will be real in my head.”

  I look straight into his eyes, forgetting that I shouldn’t. “When do you forget what someone looks like? How long does it take before you forget what someone sounds like or the things they said? When will I forget the last thing that my mum said to me?” I tear my eyes off him. “Sorry this is really morbid. You probably don't want to hear about the problems in my head.”

  “I don't mind.” Keller pulls my head into him, and we both stare out into the crowds that are drifting past us.

  Light, misty rain falls gently around us as lights blare out of cafes and restaurants. I watch them, trying to find a hint of what my family was. What my mum would have looked like now.

  “What did she say?” Keller asks quietly.

  I smile as I turn back to meet his face. “She really liked this yellow top for me. She turned around in her seat to face me, and she was smiling as she spoke … I was the one who screamed first. She wasn't even looking at the road when the truck crossed the line.”

  My body starts to shudder again. “I can’t speak to aunt Kelly. I always feel like I should be together and moving forward around her.”

  “Talk about them, then,” Keller says. “Tell me what they looked like, and what they sounded like.”

  “My mum was fabulous. She was so cool. They had me young, but they couldn't have any more kids after me. They tried for years, but it just never happened. Mum used to call me her little miracle. I felt like I was the best thing that ever happened to them. I felt like I was.” A huge sob brakes out of my mouth. “I was something. I had people who loved me. Now I have teachers who follow me around to make sure I’m not sneaking out windows in the middle of the night.”

  “You are special, Reid. You are the most amazing person.” He looks into my face, and there is the most irresistible pull to him. I can hear the noise of him still talking to me, looking at me with those eyes, and I can't help but gaze back into his face.

  Once my eyes meet his I can't stop myself, even though I know what is going to happen, even though I can feel it happening. I can feel my body disappearing and melding into his. I don't know how to stop it. I know that somehow I am going to have to explain this, and he isn't going to buy it a second time. Still, I don't care. I should care. I need to stop this. But my eyes are trapped in his. I reach up and put my hand on his face. He smiles back down at me and I'm gone.

  I look out from his eyes down to where I was just sitting. “What? Where’s she …?” Keller shouts jumping off the bench. “Reid? Reid, where are you?”

  He spins around. “Where are you?” He hisses as someone stumbles past us.

  He spins on himself again. “Reid?”

  Then he stops. He looks down at himself, pulls on his shirt.

  “She was right here,” he mumbles quietly to himself. “She was right next to me, leaning on me. I felt her. She was here with me.” His eyes close. “We were talking about her parents. Holy crap, maybe she's dead, maybe she's a ghost. No, other people can see her too.”

  What am I doing to him? How am I going to get myself out of here? Why didn't I stop myself? I am so stupid for doing this, and the longer it goes on, the harder it is going to be to make up a story to fit it.

  “I'm here.” I say softly, not looking out his eyes.

  “Whoa. Where did you come from?” He spins around, expecting to find me standing
behind him.

  “Reid? Reid, I heard you. You just spoke to me. Are you like hiding or something?”

  “Kind of,” I say.

  “Stop doing that. You are freaking me out. Where are you? Please, Reid, just come out. Please. This is spinning me out,” he pleads with me.

  I close my eyes and step out of him. Then very slowly, I turn to face him.

  His eyes are enormous. “Reid?” He stops. His mouth opens and closes, but nothing else comes out. He is trying to find the words that match what he has just seen me do.

  “Tell me.” He is holding onto his waist with eyes closed. “Please… did you just...” He pulls on his shirt so that it balloons out.

  “Yip,” I say quietly, saving him from having to figure out how to say it himself.

  “But… how?” He stutters, flickering his eyes open, then closed, then to me. But always holding onto his waist.

  “No.” He points to me. “I just... um…” He squeezes his eyes tight. “I just don't get it,” he says at last.

  “It's a pretty long story.” It looks like he's going to fall, so I hold his arm, walking him back to the bench.

  He pivots around to me. “So, how did you step out of my chest?” He tries to sound nonchalant, but he doesn’t pull it off.

  “I, um… Fall into people,” I say. “I look at people, and usually I have to kind of push myself at them, like jump towards them. Then I am inside of them. Sometimes, there’s a pull to them, I can sense them and where they are, and I just go toward them.” I cringe on the inside; hiding in a closet with all the lights turned off cringing. But the words stroll out of my mouth like it's nothing.

  “You… fall into people?” He repeats.

  “Yip.” I pause. “You want to see? I can do it to her.”

  I point to a girl walking towards us with earphones in, but her music is turned up so loud, I can hear it. Why am I being like this? I want to scream at myself. Stop, stop talking and lie. Lie and have no one in the world know, like every other minute since this started.

  “No, no, no,” he jumps off the seat. “I don't think I can watch you do that again.”