“Hello,” he said as he walked up to her.
“Hi, Samuel,” she said with little emotion. He was being punished, which he probably deserved. He’d need to set her straight about Sadie right away.
“What are you looking for?”
She shot him a look that confirmed what he suspected, and didn’t answer. Yeah, she was mad all right.
“Are you not speaking to me?” he asked, leaning down.
“Where’s Sadie?” she blurted out. “I figured the two of you would be planning your picnic for Saturday.”
He grinned. He couldn’t help it. She was jealous. And it felt so good. “Ya, the picnic,” he teased.
“What are you grinning about?” She put her hands on her hips and attempted to stare him down with her big green eyes. Swollen eyes.
“What’s wrong?” he said, changing the subject. “I can tell you’ve been crying.”
“Don’t worry about it,” she said harshly. “I’m fine.”
“You don’t look fine.”
“Well, I am.”
“What do you think would be good to take on a picnic?” He was toying with her, and in light of her current mood, he knew he was stepping on thin ice.
“Samuel Stoltzfus, what you and Sadie decide to take on your picnic is of no concern to me.” She leaned in and cut him down to the bone with her look.
“You like tuna salad, don’t you?”
“Who cares what I like. Go ask Sadie what she likes!” Her tone was getting really mean. Better tell her.
“Why would I ask Sadie what she likes when it’s you I’m taking on a picnic on Saturday?” He shot her a wide smile, hoping to cheer her up.
“What?”
“I told Sadie last night after supper that I just wasn’t going to be able to court her. It just wasn’t right to even try.”
Her hands dropped to her side and her look softened, but he still had a sense something was wrong. “Oh,” she said softly. “And why’s that?”
A loose strand of hair was sweeping across her face. Wanting desperately to push it back into place, wanting an excuse to touch her . . . he did nothing.
“It just didn’t feel right.”
“But I thought that’s what the elders wanted?” she asked, backing away from him somewhat.
“In the end, the elders want me to be happy. I have to make choices that are best for me and David.”
She smiled, but not the fullface smile he was used to seeing from her. “Are you asking me to go on a picnic with you and David on Saturday?”
“Nope,” he said, playing with her again.
Those hands landed right back on her hips, and she opened her mouth to say something . . . but stopped, straightened her apron, and took a deep breath instead. Samuel thought he better tell her the truth. “I’m asking you to go on a picnic with me. Alone. David will be helping Ivan do some work out at his place.”
“Oh,” she said softly.
“And me and the boy have more vegetables than we can ever eat. I thought we might bring some for supper tonight, if you think that would be all right.”
“That’s fine.”
She lacked the enthusiasm Samuel hoped for. Not that he expected her to run into his arms for changing his mind about Sadie. But . . . something more than this.
“Lillian, what’s wrong?”
She motioned for him to follow her. Away from a group of tourists chatting in the street, she sat down on a wooden bench outside a small Dutch bakery. He took a seat beside her.
“I just found out who my father is,” she said, fighting tears. “And I’m going to find him and meet him. I’m sure he’s wondered about me all these years, like I’ve wondered about him. I think it will help me to put some things behind me, so I can have the life I’m looking for.” She paused and looked him hard in the eyes. “And, Samuel, yes, I’m trying to find a place for God in my heart. I have a lot to learn, but I’m working very hard to find my way. Finding my father will fill a void I have in my life.”
It was music to his ears that Lillian was working to accept God into her life. And if it would help her to make peace with her father, well he was all for that.
“He lived right here in Paradise. Evidently, he and my mother had a love affair. She became pregnant with me and knew people in the district would look down on her, so she left. I don’t know why she couldn’t have told me sooner.” A tear rolled down her cheek as she shook her head.
His need to comfort her was overwhelming. But he didn’t move. Fantasizing about Lillian was a safe secret he could live out in his dreams. The reality of actually touching her, even as innocent as that might be, would imply intentions he was still unsure of.
“That was twenty-eight years ago. He was a young writer who worked for The Intelligencer Journal. Who knows where he might be now.”
“Ya, that’s true,” he said as he continued to fight the urge to put his arm around her, offer her hand a squeeze . . . something. “So, what’s his name?”
She sighed. “I’m still in shock that I have his actual name. And I can sort of put a face to the name, from the picture in his column. It’s just all very surreal.”
“Do you want me to help you find him?” It wasn’t his way to pursue anyone or anything outside the district, but if it would fill the void in Lillian’s life and help her to move forward, then he was going to help her.
She sighed, looking down at her hands in her lap. “His name is Daniel Foster.”
Samuel tried not to react, but he was stunned. Grimacing, he shifted his position on the bench. How in the world would he tell her that she wasn’t going to have to look very far for her father? Not farther than about twenty yards. Samuel could see Daniel Foster’s shop from where they were sitting.
11
LILLIAN WAS THINKING A BOUT THE SUPPER THEY’D HAVE later, about their picnic on Saturday, about finding her father, and what her future might hold. Hopeful thoughts were flying around in her head. It seemed odd when Samuel jumped up and began to pace in front of her.
“What’s wrong?” she asked. He was nervous as a cat.
“I don’t exactly know how to tell you this, Lillian.” He paused and sat down beside her again. But the words didn’t come.
“Samuel, you’re scaring me. What is it?”
“Daniel Foster,” he said softly.
“My father. What about him?”
Samuel removed his straw hat and ran his hand through his hair. Placing it back on his head, he began to stroke his beard as if in serious thought. Lillian couldn’t help but notice his huge arms underneath the blue shirt and the way his suspenders draped across his solid chest.
“What?” she asked again. “Samuel, what is it?”
“Lillian, stay calm.”
“Samuel, you better just tell me whatever’s on your mind because you are really scaring me!”
“Daniel Foster is standing right over there.” He pointed toward their right.
Lillian jumped up and peered in the direction he was pointing. “What?” She sounded confused.
“He owns that shop,” he said hesitantly, knowing it would be a blow to her to find she’d walked past her father’s shop dozens of times in the past couple of months.
“What?” she asked again, staring down Lincoln Highway.
Samuel stood up and reached for her arm, fearful she might take off running in that direction. That probably wasn’t the best plan. He watched Daniel arranging a table full of wares right outside his antique store. “He’s the owner of Outside the Box,” he told her.
“The name of his column,” she whispered. “I’ve been in that shop.” She pulled away and headed toward her father. The closer they got, the faster she moved.
“Wait, Lillian.” He grabbed her arm and brought her to a halt. “Have you thought this through?”
She turned briefly to face him. “No, I haven’t thought it through. But I’ve imagined a million times what it would be like to meet my father. I can’t wait another
minute.” She picked up her pace again.
Samuel knew very little about Daniel. Besides exchanging friendly greetings over the years, the only thing he knew about the man was he’d been married for a while but later divorced. As they neared the store, he couldn’t help but wonder if Lillian was entering a hornet’s nest.
Lillian was bursting with anticipation. Part of her wanted to run into her father’s arms and tell him how long she’d waited for this moment. However, about ten feet from the store she stopped. Her mother’s words flooded her like a rushing river. “He wouldn’t have me, Lillian. He wanted nothing to do with me or having a baby. Daniel said he would deny the entire thing, that I would be an outcast in my community, and that it would be best for me to leave town.”
That was a long time ago though. Surely he had wondered over the years if he had a daughter or a son. So many times she’d wondered if she had brothers and sisters. So many questions.
“Lillian, this might not be the best time—”
“I’m not waiting. I’ve waited my whole life.” But her feet weren’t moving. What would she say? She scanned the table full of antique trinkets and household items on the display table outside the shop. A for sale sign hung in the window. Maybe he was retiring. People bustled by her, seemingly in slow motion.
“Are you sure about this, Lillian?” As Samuel shook his head, clearly indicating he wasn’t sure about it, she wondered how this moment had crept up on her so quickly. Years of imagining, dreaming. And now, all in one day, she’d discovered who he was and where he was. Swallowing hard, she stood stiffly in place watching the man arrange items on the table outside his shop.
Her father. Standing not ten feet away from her.
It wasn’t just her life that would be changing forever, but his too.
Placing her hand on her chest, she took a deep breath. Her heart was beating much too fast. She could faintly hear Samuel— “Lillian, are you okay?”—but she couldn’t peel her eyes from Daniel Foster. Maybe Samuel was right. Maybe she needed to think things through and plan things out.
But she knew she wouldn’t. She was going to meet her father. Today. Now. Her lifelong vision would be a reality in a matter of minutes.
Gradually, she uprooted her feet and eased her way forward. She’d only taken a couple of steps when she stopped. Realizing this was the most important moment in her life to date, she sidestepped to the wall of the shop next to Daniel Foster’s, leaned against it, and closed her eyes. She could feel Samuel next to her as she attempted to block out the noise of passersby, cars, the clippity-clap of horse hooves, and the conflicting voices rambling around in her head. Stay. Go.
God, she prayed silently, pressing her eyes closed even tighter, I don’t know You very well. And it might be wrong of me to ask for Your help right now. But this is so incredibly important to me. Please help me to say the right things and to accept whatever it is that’s Your will.
Her plea for help and guidance sent a flood of emotion running through her. Fighting tears, she went on. I’m so sorry. I’m just so very sorry for all the things I’ve messed up in my life. Please help me to do this right.
It seemed wrong to ask for His help when she’d been absent from Him her entire life. Was it a selfish request? Did He even hear her?
No sooner than the thought registered did she feel a sweeping wave of courage. More profound was an unfamiliar sense of guardianship surrounding her, as if Someone wrapped her in a blanket of protection and love. Is this You? she silently asked.
As a tear trickled down her cheek, she allowed herself to feel the glory of prayer. “Thank You,” she said as she opened her eyes and wiped the tear from her cheek.
She looked over at Samuel standing by the wall next to her. His eyes were closed. Was he praying for her? She watched him intently, presumably offering up prayers on her behalf. This moment on the busy sidewalk of Lincoln Highway would be with her a long time.
“Are you ready?” he asked, opening his eyes.
“I am.”
Side by side, they eased their way toward Daniel Foster.
“Good afternoon,” the man she now knew to be her father said. “Can I show you anything in particular?”
“We’re just having a look,” Samuel said when she didn’t respond.
Lillian could see he still resembled the picture. He was a handsome man. His dark hair was now salt and pepper and receding, and he had replaced his gold-rimmed glasses with smaller ones that hung low on his nose. Considerably shorter than Samuel, he still towered over her. He had a friendly smile, and Lillian knew right away that everything was going to be fine.
“I’m Lillian Miller,” she said, wondering if the name Miller would ring any bells. Maybe she should have planned this conversation out. Too late. She was there and waiting for any recognition from him.
“I’m Daniel Foster.” He extended his hand to her as though she was any new customer wandering up to his shop. “Welcome to Outside the Box.”
It had been twenty-seven years and there were tons of Millers. She’d have to be more clear. “My mother is Sarah Jane Miller.”
Instantly Daniel took a step backward. His smile faded, and he gave her an odd look she couldn’t decipher.
“I, uh . . .” She stumbled. “I . . . think you’re my father.”
Samuel was stroking his beard and pacing slightly. Daniel just stared at her.
“I’m so happy to finally meet you,” she went on. “I’ve waited my whole life for this moment, and I didn’t think I’d ever find you. And, here you are, three miles from where I’m living with my grandparents. It’s just so good to meet you.” She instinctively stepped toward him.
“What do you want?” His tone was more than abrasive and sent chills up her spine, halting her in her tracks.
“I, uh, don’t want anything. Just to know you.” She felt Samuel gently touch her arm. It gave her little strength; her knees were buckling with the weight of the moment. “You still look a lot like your picture from the column you wrote years ago. I see you named your store after it.” She was rambling. “Maybe we can have a cup of coffee and get to know each other when you have time and—”
“I don’t know you. I don’t want to know you. Whatever your mother told you is a lie. Sarah Jane Miller has lied to you.” He took a step back.
“So you do know my mother, then?” she asked, resisting the urge to cry. “Are you my father?” It was a simple question that she felt deserved an answer.
“I just sold my shop; I’ll be moving from here in two weeks. If you try to find me, I’ll call the law on you.” His face drew into a raging scowl, and his posture became aggressive. He leaned forward as if he might dive for her.
Every wonderful fantasy she’d had about meeting her father was stolen from her in less than a minute. On instinct, she stepped back from him. She wanted to run. To go back. To start over. Resisting the urge to flee, she spoke again.
“Sir, I’m not here to cause you any trouble at all.”
“Is it money you want?” His fists were clinched at his sides and he stared her down as if she were threatening his life.
“No!” she said emphatically. “Of course not.”
“Lillian, let’s go,” Samuel gently took her elbow and attempted to guide her away from him.
“Yes, I think you better go,” the man said. The man who couldn’t possibly be her father.
“But, I just . . .” The words weren’t coming. The fantasy was over. She now understood why her mother had chosen to avoid even an informal community shunning. She’d never felt more abandoned in her life. A bastard baby, with a father who didn’t care if she was alive or dead.
“Lillian, let’s go,” Samuel said again, pulling her farther away from Daniel.
She yanked free of Samuel’s hold. As a tear rolled down her cheek, she walked toward her father. He didn’t step back this time. She couldn’t read his expression, but she was not going to leave without letting him know how she felt.
&nbs
p; “I dreamed about meeting you my entire life. I dreamed about this moment since I was a little girl. In a few short minutes, you have not only denied me my dream of what it would be like to meet you, but you’ve discarded me as if I were dirt.” She stepped closer to him, and this time he did step back. “Well, I’m not dirt. I am a wonderful, vivacious woman. I’m smart. I graduated from high school at the top of my class, and I went to college and became a teacher. I am a fabulous cook. I care deeply about other people.” By now she was sobbing almost uncontrollably, and she struggled to form the words so he could understand her. “I’m sorry that you won’t have the opportunity to know me.”
She paused. His expression softened, and the water forming in the corners of his eyes pushed her to go on. “So go ahead and toss me aside. It’s certainly your choice. But I am a good person, and it will be your loss.”
And with that, she spun around and ran down the sidewalk.
Samuel kept up with her until she was away from the crowds. When she crossed the highway and headed down Black Horse Road, it appeared she might keep running all the way home. He grabbed her arm. “Lillian, stop,” he said. “Did you come in the buggy?”
She pulled free, shook her head and kept on walking until she was a good piece down the road. “Well, I brought my buggy. I have to go back,” he yelled. She waved him on and didn’t stop. “I’ll be back to pick you up.”
Fast as he could run, he headed to where he’d parked his buggy and got on his way. A few minutes later, knowing he was going a bit too fast through town, he still gave Pete an extra flick of the reins. It didn’t take long to catch up with her.
“Get in,” he said, guiding Pete to a stop.
She wouldn’t look at him as she crawled into the buggy. It didn’t seem like she was going to stop crying any time soon. Maybe he needed to just let her get it all out.
“I’m sorry,” he said softly.
She didn’t say anything and continued to stare off into the pasture. When he passed Irma Rose and Jonas’s farm, she spoke up.
“Where are we going?” She swiped at her eyes.
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