“To my favorite place.”
Samuel hadn’t been to the overlook since Rachel died. He used to go there when he wanted to be by himself—just him and God. He’d never taken anyone there. Not even David. Today he was going to take Lillian. She needed all the spiritual guidance she could get right now, and Samuel knew God would be waiting there for her with open arms to comfort her in her time of need. Aside from the incredible view of the valley below, it was where Samuel felt most connected to God.
She’d stopped crying by the time they reached the overlook. He helped her out of the buggy and toward the edge of the cliff. “Don’t get too close to the edge,” he said as he pulled her to the ground with him. “Let’s sit here a while.”
For a split second, a hint of happiness swept across her face. “This is the most beautiful place I have ever seen,” she said before placing her hands over her face. She started to cry again.
“I’m so sorry, Samuel.”
“What do you have to be sorry about?” he asked, turning to face her.
“That I cry a lot.”
“I think I heard you say earlier that you care deeply about others,” he said. “That’s nothing to be sorry about.”
“Thank you for being here with me.”
As he watched her staring at the ground, fiddling with a blade of grass, he worried how she was going to handle all this. But one thing he knew for sure. He wouldn’t let her handle it alone.
“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be,” he said.
Samuel’s words warmed Lillian’s heart, and his presence eased her pain somewhat. The meeting with her father had been a setback. A painful, heart-wrenching setback. But now she knew. She’d put it behind her and move forward.
“There’s something about this place, Samuel. It’s very . . . I don’t know. I mean, it’s beautiful here, but there’s something else. It’s very calming. Serene. It’s like I feel . . . I feel . . .”
“God?” He asked.
She speculated for a moment. “Yes, I suppose that might be it.” She recalled the feeling she’d had while she prayed before meeting her father. She’d had the same feeling then.
“And that’s only the beginning. I have my strongest sense of Him here too. But one day you’ll take that feeling with you everywhere you go. When that happens, it will become easier for you to accept things as God’s will.”
“It’s hard for me to accept what happened earlier as God’s will. I would think God would have preferred things to go differently.” She cringed and shook her head as the memory of her father’s look and words came flying to the forefront of her mind.
“We don’t question God’s will.”
“That part is hard for me. And I want to, Samuel. I want to accept all things as God’s will.” She paused. “And I’m working on it.”
“I can see that. It’ll come, Lillian. Talk to Him. But more important, listen to Him.”
“What do you mean? I’ve said my prayers, but I’ve never heard a response.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’ve never heard God talking to me.” She shook her head, quite sure of that one.
“Ever have a thought or feeling and wonder where it came from? A thought that just seems to come out of nowhere, or a comforting feeling?”
“Sometimes.” She recalled again how she’d felt when she prayed before she met her father. Leaning against the storefront wall, she’d felt an overwhelming sense of calm. “Is that God?”
“I believe it is. I think some people are so busy talking to God that they forget to listen too.” He bumped his shoulder gently against hers. “I’m sorry about what happened today, Lillian.”
He’d changed the subject again, as she had gotten used to. “I’m sorry too,” she said. “Sorry for me. Sorry for you. And sorry for my mother.”
Wow. It was the first time she’d thought about her mother since all this had happened. For the first time, she saw her mother in a whole new light—as a young Amish woman who got involved with an Englisch man, got pregnant, was afraid of becoming an outcast in her community, and decided to venture out into a world she knew nothing about. Maybe there was enough compassion in Lillian’s heart to forgive her mother for her childhood.
“Are you gonna be all right?” he asked.
“It’s not the storybook reunion I’d hoped for by any stretch of the imagination. But I’ll have to put it behind me. Now, at least, I know. I’m not completely sure how I feel about all of it, but . . .”
As she and Samuel sat together at the overlook, Lillian trailed off, trying to push the events with her father out of her mind. While she knew it would take a long time for her to completely heal, a new sense of calm and peacefulness seemed to be slowly seeping into her heart. It was a welcomed feeling. For the next hour they sat at the overlook. Mostly they were quiet.
“I’m sorry that Sadie cried when you told her you wouldn’t be courting her,” David told Samuel on the way to Lillian’s that evening.
“How’d you know she cried?”
“I heard her from upstairs.”
“I thought you were sleeping.”
“Nope. But Pop, she just wasn’t the one. You know that, ya?”
Samuel nodded, unclear exactly what he thought these days. But he knew it wouldn’t be right to court Sadie.
“Well I’m glad we’re going to Lillian’s house for supper. I like being around Irma Rose and Jonas too.”
Nodding again, Samuel wondered if Lillian was feeling any better. Time healed so many things. Time and God. But it had only been a few hours. A blow like this would take a long time for her to get over. He knew all about pain, healing, and the time it took.
As his thoughts drifted to Rachel, David came out of the clear blue with a direct question not suitable for a boy to ask his pop.
“Are you going to marry her?” David’s eyes grew wider and wider as he waited for a response.
“Not right for you to be asking me that, boy.”
“But it could happen?”
Samuel could handle his own feelings, even if they were all mixed-up. His thoughts about a life with Lillian were his secret. But, he knew what was right and wrong. “No, David. I’ve been tellin’ you for weeks that Lillian and I are friends. Just like she’s a friend to you.”
“But she’s studying the Ordnung.”
“So do a lot of people who come from worldly ways. And I think the Ordnung—and God—will help Lillian to find her way. But outsiders don’t stay, David. It’s rare. So you need not be thinking about things that may not happen.”
This was exactly what Samuel feared—David getting too close to Lillian. And he sure couldn’t be telling his son that he had allowed himself to get too close to her.
“But it does happen sometimes. Besides, aren’t people good friends before they get married?”
Samuel glanced at his son. The boy’s youthful optimism caused him to briefly contemplate the possibility. “I guess, David. It does happen sometimes. And, ya, gut marriages start out with friendship first.”
Nonetheless. He shook his head as doubt resurfaced.
Lillian was glad to see Grandpa down for supper. She’d prepared one of his favorites: roast with potatoes and carrots. The events of earlier that afternoon weighed heavily in her heart, but her family was all together. It was cause for happiness and she refused to let Daniel Foster take that away from her.
“Boy, what are you rutschich about?” Grandpa asked David when they all sat down to eat. Unless there was a problem with his meds, Grandpa never missed a beat.
“Jonas, leave the boy alone. He’s not squirming,” Grandma said.
“Ya, he’s rutschich. And grinning like he’s got some business for sharing. What’s on your mind, son?” Grandpa leaned an ear inward, waiting for an answer.
“David, why don’t you give the blessing,” Grandma said as she shushed Grandpa.
They all bowed in prayer.
“Dear Lord, thank You for this food befo
re us and the many blessings You have given to us. Thank You for the land that provides us with this fine food, and we know all things are God’s will. Aemen.”
“Ya, God’s will. Aemen. Thank you for that offering, David,” Grandma said.
“And one more thing!” David said, bowing his head again. As everyone else hastily lowered their heads, he added, “Danki for bringing Lillian to Lancaster County and for Pop deciding not to court Sadie. Aemen.”
All eyes shot to Samuel, whose embarrassment—and anger— were apparent. Planting clenched fists slowly on the wooden table, he scolded his son with his eyes to the point Lillian feared a trip to the woodshed for David when they got home. That wasn’t fair, though. It was such a sweet thing for him to say— about her, anyway.
Grandpa chuckled, but quickly stopped when Grandma fired him a look like she might take him out to the woodshed for a lashing. As Grandpa pursed his lips together and frowned, Lillian tried to lighten the mood.
“I’m glad God brought me here, too, David.” She reached across the table and patted his hand. “That was a very sweet thing to say.”
Maybe that would keep him out of trouble with Samuel. But by throwing out the fact that Samuel wasn’t courting Sadie in the same breath as his comments about her . . . Well, it was cause for speculation by all of them.
It took him a few seconds, but Samuel’s scowling look softened and his fists unclenched. Whew. Maybe David was in the clear.
Grandma still had a visual hold on Grandpa, warning him not to speak. But as was Grandpa’s nature, he spoke anyway. He was looking down when he said it, almost in a whisper, as if a tiny bit afraid of Grandma. But everyone heard him loud and clear.
“Don’t know why you kids keep hee-hawing around and don’t just take to courtin’.” He shrugged.
“Jonas Miller!” Grandma snapped. “This is not your place to talk of such things!” She turned to Samuel. “It’s his medications, Samuel. Makes him all cuckoo.”
Samuel nodded and opened his mouth to say something, but Grandpa beat him to it, turning toward Grandma. “Irma Rose, if you don’t quit blaming them pills for everything I say, I’m gonna stop takin’ ’em!”
“Don’t take that tone with me, Jonas Miller!”
David’s eyes widened in amusement. Glancing at Samuel, Lillian was glad to see him suppressing a grin. He winked at her.
Everything was going to be just fine. And she wondered if maybe, just maybe, Samuel might be toying with the idea of them actually courting. It was always hard to tell with him.
“Irma Rose—” Grandpa prepared to fire back, but stopped and cupped his hand to his ear. “Somebody’s here,” he said, leaning back to see out the window.
“Jonas, watch yourself. You’re gonna fall right over,” Grandma said.
“We expecting company? It’s the supper hour,” Grandpa growled as he shoveled another load of roast onto his plate, seemingly fearful he might not get his share.
“Jonas, I declare. There’s nothing wrong with your appetite, ’tis for sure.” Grandma wiped her mouth with a napkin, indicating she’d get the door.
“I’ll get it, Grandma,” Lillian said as she stood from her place on the bench, which was next to Samuel. She smiled in his direction, glad to see he wasn’t going to take offense at Grandpa’s comment.
Smile still on her face, she contemplated the evening’s excitement as she pulled on the wooden door and peered through the screen door. What she saw turned her legs to rubber. Suddenly she was struggling not to suffocate on the air around her. Air poisoned by the past that now found her.
“Rickie, what are you doing here?”
12
“ARE YOU GOING TO LET ME IN?” RICKIE ASKED, GRINNING as he studied her from head to toe.
Lillian opened the screen door onto the porch and closed both doors behind her. She couldn’t believe Rickie was actually here. Always perfectly groomed, his neatly clipped blond hair accentuated his golden tan. Deceptively charming deep blue eyes scanned his surroundings. Dressed in khaki pants and a yellow golf shirt, he appeared to be the epitome of the perfect man. His looks were undoubtedly what had attracted her to him in the first place. Oh, how he had fooled her, though.
“What are you doing here?” she asked him again between clenched teeth, not wanting anyone to see him.
“That is not your best look, baby,” he said, shaking his head and taking in her Amish attire. Him calling her baby turned her stomach. “I know you said you’ve started a new life, and I can see that—but it’s hard for me to understand how you could just leave without even talking to me first. That’s cold, Lillian. I provided you with a home. I’ve taken care of you. How could you do this?”
“Taken care of me?” she asked in a loud whisper. “Go home, Rickie. You should have never come here.”
Ignoring her, his eyes darted over her shoulder. “Going to let me come in and meet your grandparents?”
“No. We have company tonight. You just need to leave!” Panic was starting to set in. She didn’t want any of them to see the kind of person she used to be with. It was hard for her to believe she ever dated Rickie, much less lived with him.
“Lillian, I came a long way to talk to you,” he said. “You owe me that much. I love you, and you just took off.”
“You know why I left, Rickie.” She glanced over her shoulder. The faint voices coming from inside crippled her thought process. Somehow she needed to get rid of him, at least for now. “We can talk tomorrow,” she said as she backed up toward the porch door, hoping he would venture back to his rental car.
“Lillian, please,” he begged, standing steadfast. “I know I made mistakes, but do you realize what a mistake you’ve made by coming here? You can’t possibly want to live this life. When you get this God thing out of your head, I’ll be waiting for you to come home.” Walking toward her, he added, “But I won’t wait forever, Lillian.”
She took a step backward. “I don’t want you to wait for me at all, Rickie. It’s over. You should have never come here!”
She heard the rustling of feet inside. She dreaded introducing Rickie to anyone.
“I don’t believe you, baby,” he said, closing the gap between them.
“Don’t call me that! I’m not your ‘baby.’ Please, Rickie, just . . . go home. I don’t love you.” She held her arm out to keep him at a safe distance.
“What’s wrong with you?” His voice spiked up a notch. “And what’s with the freaky clothes? Have they brainwashed you or something?”
How dare you. But fighting with him would only heighten the risk of someone coming out on the front porch. She needed him to just go. “If you’ll leave now, I promise we will talk tomorrow. Where are you staying? I’ll call you in the morning.”
“Lillian, it’s only five o’clock in the afternoon. I’m not going to wait until morning to talk to you.”
“Then let me at least finish supper with my family. I’ll call you when I’m done. I can meet you in town or something.”
“Fine,” he said as he turned to head down the porch steps. He’d almost hit the grass when he called over his shoulder. “Change your clothes too. You look ridiculous.”
Her pulse quickened. Thoughts of tackling him to the ground raced through her mind. But he was leaving, and that’s all that mattered. She made an about-face and opened the screen door about the same time Grandpa opened the wooden door.
“Who’s our company?” he belted out, causing Rickie to spin around and head back up the porch steps.
“Hello, sir, I’m Rickie.” He extended his hand, and Lillian’s panic settled in even further when Grandpa eased past her and shook his hand. “I’m a friend of Lillian’s,” Rickie added.
“It’s suppertime. Come in and fix yourself a plate.” Grandpa turned to go back in the house, obviously anxious to get back to his roast more than anything else.
“Thank you, sir,” Rickie said, making his way past Lillian. She flinched as his arm brushed against hers.
A sense of dread accompanied her as she followed Grandpa and Rickie into the house.
“This is a friend of Lilly’s,” Grandpa said, resuming his place at the table. “David, maybe you could scoot that rocker from the den over here to the table for this man.”
“No, thank you, sir. Actually, I ate on the plane. I just came to see Lillian.” An arrogant smile swept across his face—the same smile that had won her over in the beginning but now was making her stomach turn. “I need to make her realize how much I’ve missed her.” He paused. “I don’t want to interrupt your Amish dinner.”
Lillian wanted to gag. The look on Samuel’s face was one of confusion mixed with irritation.
“I imagine it’s about the same as an Englisch dinner,” Grandpa said sarcastically, still stuffing roast in his mouth. “Lillian, best you introduce everyone to your friend.”
Grandma’s facial expression resonated with sympathy. David seemed oblivious, or was just as preoccupied with the meal as Grandpa.
“Uh, Rickie, these are my grandparents, Irma Rose and Jonas.” She pointed to each respectively. “And this is Samuel and David.”
Samuel stood first and shook Rickie’s hand, followed by David.
“Nice to meet all of you. I see you really don’t use any electricity, just like in the movie Witness.”
Lillian wondered if anyone saw her cut her eyes in Rickie’s direction. Could this day get any worse?
“Well, we don’t shoot at people like I hear they done in that movie,” Grandpa said. “Or protect shot-up detectives. Right silly, if you ask me.”
Lillian was still standing near the doorway, hoping she could coax Rickie back out the door—and then out of her life forever. Mom was going to hear about this.
“David, I reckon we better be on our way,” Samuel said, standing up. He walked directly to the hat rack and retrieved his hat without even looking in Lillian’s direction.
“No!” she blurted out. “We haven’t had dessert.”
“Me and the boy have chores to do. Danki for supper,” he said, still barely making eye contact. “We’ll let you and your friend catch up.” The way he said “friend” revealed more than just a slight irritation.
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