Accustomed

by Kyra Gregory

  She could hear heavy footsteps making their way into the room and Sybelle lifted her gaze from the papers in front of her, watching as Deros made his way towards her. The look on his face was so curious to her, she thought. There was something worrying him, an undeniable lump in his throat as he swallowed thickly while he approached her. “Well? Out with it,” she said, looking him up and down for any telling sign of his concerns.

  “Days ago, I sent word to Gyles that I required his men to look for someone on my behalf,” he started, faint traces of anger mixed in with his overwhelming discomfort.

  “And?” She prompted, scrutinising him with her gaze as though doing so would tell her what was going on sooner than he would. “What of it? Did he not find them for you?”

  “He did,” Deros replied, promptly. “And he has sent them here also.”

  Sybelle braced herself on the chair and stood up, exhaling heavily, “Let me meet them then,” she said, walking past him. “For what reason did you want them here?”

  “I didn’t want them here,” Deros replied, following her across the room with quickened steps. “He sent them here when all I asked of him is to check if they were still alive since—”

  “Since the fires,” she finished for him, nodding. “What’s the problem with this? If you don’t want them here you can always send them back,” she said. She turned the corner outside of her room, only to stop short at the sight of a young woman, hardly any older than herself, standing there with guards at either side of her, and with a young girl hidden behind her leg, gripping the folds of her dress within her little grasp. Sybelle looked to Deros, watching him exhale as he came to terms with the hell he may have just found himself in.

  “Your Majesty,” he started, taking a few steps forward, “this is Bella of Evrad,” he said.

  Bella was a petite woman, with a small, no doubt underfed, frame. She had radiant golden blond hair, a rival to the bright sunlight she’d gotten used to seeing on these hot, summer days. Her thin, rosy pink lips were curled into a frown, not liking her newfound surroundings in the slightest.

  “And?” Sybelle asked, raising an eyebrow at the small child at Bella’s side. She was so different to the woman she clung to. Bella’s skin was an earthy brown with cheeks peppered with freckles from hours in the sun, while the little girl had skin that could be mistaken for the finest porcelain, a remarkable contrast to her jet black hair that came to just above her shoulders.

  “And our child,” Bella said, interceding with a hint of bitterness in her tone, “Neyva.”

  Sybelle looked to Deros and watched him inhale deeply, flashing her an apologetic gaze. Sybelle looked back to Bella and Neyva, looking them up and down as she clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth. She shrugged her shoulders, looking to a guard, “See to it that they are made comfortable. They’ve had a long journey.”

  She spun on her heel and returned to her throne room, shaking her head and rolling her eyes as Deros dealt with the two before following her. “I meant to tell you,” he said, keeping a fair distance from her.

  “Did you now?” she asked, laughing with utter disbelief.

  “No,” he replied, honestly, throwing his hands up as she turned to look at him. “She meant nothing to me, ever, but I cannot deny the child in the same manner,” he said. “I kept in contact with them only to see to it that my child was always provided for, not because of anything else.”

  “I don’t care, quite frankly,” Sybelle said, throwing herself down into her seat with a shrug of her shoulders. “That’s your own business, not mine.”

  “Will you not even allow me to explain myself?” Deros asked, shocked by her inability to listen.

  “You can explain yourself all you want,” Sybelle replied, gesturing for him to go on as she slid back into her seat, faking a lack of interest.

  Deros pulled the chair out across from her, placing it in front of her instead of allowing the table to cause a physical distance between them, hoping to aid the emotional distance that Sybelle was beginning to place between them. “She was a servant in Evrad, one that I grew up with. We were young and terribly stupid, completely oblivious to the consequences that would come with our actions.” He hung his head, going on, “After our mistake, we agreed to keep the child. But because of her state she couldn’t remain employed within the palace, leaving her with nothing.”

  Deros leaned forward in his seat, silently pleading with her to listen to him. She sighed, asking, “What happened then?”

  “Nothing at all,” he replied. “She left to live with a relative of her mother. I met her periodically only to see my daughter.”

  “With a child between you, did your relationship not flourish at all?”

  Deros exhaled, desperate, “There was never a relationship, nothing beyond friendship, and, if anything, the child aggravated it.”

  “Though you may see it unlikely,” Sybelle laughed, looking elsewhere, “I’ve had friends; none of which I shared my bed with in such a manner.”

  Deros shook his head, brows furrowed together, “Do you mean to tell me you thought I had never laid with another before?”

  “I never thought such a thing,” she said, snapping in return. “I just never thought that you had a family from it; you certainly made a point of never mentioning it.”

  Deros scoffed, shaking his head, “I hardly call a fling with an angry young woman and a bastard child a family,” he retorted. “And I know this because that sums up my existence with my mother and father perfectly!” Sybelle broke out into a fit of giggles, unable to help herself when faced with Deros’s growing desperation to make himself clear to her. He stared at her with large, wide eyes, shocked and confused as he waited for her to calm down from her fit of laughter before he questioned her. “You’re not mad?” he asked.

  Sybelle perched her chin on the palm of her hand, struggling to restrain her smile, “I don’t have a choice but to accept these circumstances,” she said, lifting her shoulders into a shrug. “It’s too troublesome at a time such as this to be mad about such a trivial thing.” She leaned forward in her seat, observing the manner in which his breaths calmed and his shoulders slackened, leaving her the opportunity to ask, with rationality and calm in her quiet voice, “Did you ever love her?”

  Deros shook his head, hanging it in what appeared to be shame and remorse, “No,” he replied, “I did not.” He inhaled deeply, straightening up, “But we both played a part in making that child. It’s because of my part in it that I’ve felt responsible for her, and the mother, for she would not have lost her secure position in the Evrad castle had it not been for my part in our actions.”

  “You’re a better man than you think yourself to be,” Sybelle said, cocking an eyebrow.

  Deros scoffed, shaking his head in utter disbelief as he asked, “Does nothing I do disappoint you?”

  She looked up at him from beneath her lashes, her eyebrows raised, “Do you want me to be disappointed in you?” Deros shook his head but she could see the conflict she’d caused within him just by asking that question. She dismissed his thoughts with a wave of her hand, shaking her head. “I don’t care, Deros,” she said. “I’ve said that I love you and that’s the truth, but, love or not, I don’t have the time for such things right now. It has been almost two weeks and King Alessio hasn’t budged from his place on the beach and I don’t trust the man to remain placid for very much longer.”

  “I know this. You know that I know this,” he said, leaning further forward. “Just as you know that I’ll do whatever you ask if you feel you know how you want to tackle this,” he added.

  Sybelle placed her head into both her hands, shaking it uncontrollably as she forced his words out of mind. She chewed on the inside of her cheek, flying out of her seat as she moved to walk away from the table, and her lover. “If you’re not mad about this, if you’re not... If this has nothing to do with me then what has you so upset?”

  “I don’t want you involved!” Sybelle
shouted at the top of her lungs, uncaring for whoever heard her. She broke into a nervous laugh, approaching him as he stared at her full of bewilderment. “I don’t want you involved,” she repeated, clapping her hands against her dress as they dropped exasperatedly. “I’m struggling to keep myself afloat here. I already despise that I’ve gotten Gyles involved, a man who wants nothing more than peace with his life after all he has been put through in the last few months. I don’t want to get you involved also.”

  Deros grabbed her by the arms, jolting her into looking at him with a force that she hadn’t seen, or felt, from him since he’d come to serve her. “Listen to me,” he growled, “you needn’t care for my well-being so much! You’ve seen what I’m capable of enduring; I’m not fragile, I won’t be so easily broken,” he said. “Tell me what it is you need, tell me what it is you require to move your plans forward and I’ll assume the position without a second thought.”

  Sybelle scoffed, her glossy eyes rolling towards the ceiling as she licked her lips. “That’s what I’m afraid of,” she said. She took a step away from him, folding her arms over her chest as she began to tremble, but, with what, she wasn’t sure. She swallowed with difficulty, placing the back of her fingers to her quivering lips. “I don’t wish to lose you,” she whispered, just loud enough for him to hear. “But I won’t be so selfish as to demand you give something to me that you cannot.”

  “And why can I not?” He asked, advancing on her and stepping into her line of sight.

  “Because it’s no longer just your life to give to me,” she retorted. “You have a woman whom you support, and a child who looks to you for protection.”

  Deros recoiled somewhat, taking a moment to consider her words. “Perhaps you’re right,” he said. He nodded his head, pursing his lips together, “Perhaps you’re right about that,” he repeated, “but,” he went on, “my life here is of no use to anyone, not to Bella, nor to Neyva, if I don’t assist you in protecting the lands on which they, and countless others live.”

  Sybelle turned away from him, unable to look at him. She wanted to argue against him eve more, to come up with all the childish excuses in the world for why it shouldn’t be him to sacrifice anything for anyone. But it all came down to one thing. She didn’t want to lose him. She didn’t want to sacrifice him. If she lost him to another woman, to his child, perhaps should could find it in herself to say that it was a noble cause and that the fleeting moments they had shared together would’ve been enough happiness to last her a lifetime. But she couldn’t let the reason for him entering harm’s way be herself and her desire for vengeance.

  “I just need time,” she said. “I just need time to come up with some other way.”

  Deros pursued her across the room, matching her steps with his own to keep close, “You have a plan then? You have a plan as we speak and you won’t implement it because of me?”

  “I’ll think of something else,” she said, throwing herself down into her throne abruptly.

  “You needn’t do that,” he said, adamant. The will, the strength in his eyes was almost enough to convince her as he stood in front of her.

  “I know I needn’t,” she snapped in a whisper. “I just need time,” she repeated to herself, cocking her head back and staring at the ceiling. The longer she looked at him the more he was able to convince her, even in silence, to make decisions she would rather not have made. He gave her the strength to take on challenges, even if it meant taking them on in ways she would rather haven’t. Making sacrifices that she would much rather not.

  “Sybelle,” Deros pleaded, falling to his knees at her feet. “Please, whatever you need, just tell me.”

  Sybelle smiled tenderly, shaking her head. “I’ll think of another way,” she said.

  Deros got to his feet, approaching her, his shadow looming over her until she brought herself to look at him, “You believe me, don’t you?” She inhaled deeply, dropping her gaze at the sound of unease in his tone. “You believe me when I say that I love you, don’t you? That... I love you more than anything else in this world.”

  She looked back at him, giving him a small smile, nodding in reply as she extended her hand to him. He took it without much thought, squeezing tightly while she did so, “Of course,” she said. She kissed the back of his hand in return, humming in agreement, “Of course I know,” she whispered. As he was about to leave, she called him back, her eyes well-trained on the ground in front of her, “Have your daughter, and her mother, join us for supper, hm? They are our guests, after all.” Her gaze flickered up towards him, just in time to watch him swallow and then nod with uneasy agreement.

  ***

  Gyles stared at his feet as he walked along the wooden platform of the docks in Evrad. His pace was slow, languid after a day standing in the strengthening rays of the sun above him, watching with tired eyes at the blinding glistening of the waves as they crashed into the hulls of the ships. He took a seat on a stone wall with a sigh, glancing over his shoulder in search for the Evradian guard that had gone missing once more.

  He’d done this repeatedly over the course of the day. He couldn’t help it. Despite having ran from the closest friend he’d ever had the pleasure of, he craved conversation. When silence would dwell upon him, leaving him with his own thoughts, he would look over his shoulder in search of the only person in Evrad that didn’t seem to regard him with a cruel stare. To be fair, he could hardly blame them. He still couldn’t understand why Lukas was as helpful as he was, deducing that it must truly have been the fear that he’d imparted on him about the new Queen ruling over Evrad.

  As far as Gyles was concerned, he’d left Lionessa for two things; to seek out Arello, Dreyny’s brother, and to return to the fundamentals of his own soul. He wanted to do away with the violence, with the politics and thoughts of war. He didn’t like the fact that the only relationship he’d developed since leaving there was based on fear, ingrained in the other’s mind by him and through the reputation of the Queen of Lionessa and Evrad.

  “I didn’t know what you wanted,” Lukas said, breathing heavily as he appeared beside him, his hands full of baked goods wrapped in waxy paper, “so I just got a bit of everything,” he said, lining everything up on the wall.

  “I told you to get whatever you liked,” Gyles murmured, shrugging his shoulders. Lukas hadn’t eaten anything since the bowl of porridge he’d scoffed down in the earliest hours of the morning, and he thought offering him a meal would be an adequate start to repairing the fractured view he had of him.

  “It’s your money,” Lukas replied, scoffing, “and your need to eat.”

  Gyles shook his head, unable to help the smirk that grew on his face. He snatched a bread roll, filled with some sort of bean paste, for himself and then offered the rest to Lukas, leaving him quiet and wide-eyed and curious as he devoured his warm meal.

  Lukas followed Gyles’s gaze out to the sea, licking the tips of his fingers and his lips before speaking, “Are you ever going to tell me what you’re looking at?”

  “Probably not,” Gyles chuckled.

  “You’ve gathered quite a bit of attention here though,” Lukas said, covering his full mouth. “You have everyone wondering what it is you’ve planned for Evrad,” he added.

  Gyles shook his head, rolling his eyes, “I’ve told you, time and time again, that Evrad has nothing to worry about in this regard. So long as they don’t cause trouble, Queen Sybelle will take care of them.”

  Lukas clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, turning his gaze back to the bread roll in his hands, “You cannot blame the people for thinking otherwise,” he whispered.

  “You needn’t do that,” Gyles said, his voice low as he looked over at the man.

  “Do what?” Lukas asked with furrowed brows.

  “Tread so lightly,” Gyles replied, sighing. “You’re stating facts,” he said, “facts that I know very well, facts about matters that both Queen Sybelle and myself knew about full well when we did what we
did,” he said. “You needn’t tread on the matter. You’re not about to get into trouble for making statements about what we are aware of.”

  Lukas hung his head, contemplating his words. “King Nero would have the head of anyone who dared to speak as I do now,” he whispered.

  Gyles scoffed and shook his head, “I’m not telling you that you may start a rebellion,” he said, “but Queen Sybelle has far greater concerns right now than the remarks of some disgruntled citizens.”

  “Even if disgruntled citizens are capable of unseating a King or Queen?” Lukas asked, his brows raised in curiosity.

  “Disgruntled citizens won’t unseat the Queen,” Gyles said, adamant. “That will just open the country up to more trouble and Evrad is in no fit state to fight on one front, let alone two.” He heaved a heavy sigh, clapping his hands clean of any residual flour from their food, “My suggestion, which comes from a good place, is not to stir up any trouble,” he said. “Queen Sybelle will be good to Evrad so long as she is in control of it, I know that much, and I wouldn’t risk matters by vying for a needless independence from her.”

  Lukas nodded, biting the inside of his cheek before remarking, “I have no intention of stirring up any trouble. I just want what everyone else does; peace.” He puffed out his cheeks, rubbing the back of his neck while his shoulders slackened.

  Gyles dropped his gaze for a moment, only looking to him as he asked, “Did you lose anyone in the fires?”

  Lukas pursed his lips into a tight line. He shook his head, his body weighted with something Gyles concluded must have been regret. “No,” he said, his voice hoarse, “I just watched others lose everything.”