All of These Things

by De Mattea, Anna

“I’m talking about your tone, Alec.”

  “And you defend his honour. I can’t say that’s not extremely charming.”

  “You know, more than half the time I’m with you, I can’t decide if you’re making fun of me or not. Why do you like bothering me?”

  “When did honesty become a crime? All I’m saying is that your regard for him is precious.”

  “See! Again, right there,” I say, stabbing my finger in his shoulder. He catches it.

  “What about you? Do you have a betrothed back home?” I ask, somewhat snarky. I consciously try to let my guard down. I don’t really want to be oppositional all night. The evening is too beautiful to waste on more bitchiness and the truth of the matter is, Alec’s company is enjoyable.

  He looks at me crooked, no doubt planning to challenge me.

  “I’m not as fortunate as Ryan. I’m unspoken for, and the only women intent on waiting for me are my sisters, Olivia and Naomi, and my mother and grandmother Rose.”

  “Interesting. Maybe they see something in you that the rest of us can’t,” I say with false belittlement, but his amusement makes me smile. He looks over at me much like I’ve offered a compliment instead.

  “You’re making game of me,” he says waggling a finger. “You know, I’m enjoying the obvious satisfaction you gain when using mockery against me. You’re just diverting your obvious coquettish capabilities.”

  “Are you calling me a tease? I don’t tease, Alec. I’m not a floozy.”

  “Oh I know, love. But for some reason, I’m an easy target for you to test your heckling competencies, but alas, it only rouses me more.” He winks and yanks me past the entry of an amusement park, stopping at a token booth.

  “Oh my God! How obnoxious can you be? Seriously! Your head is so puffed-up I can tie it to a ribbon and sell you right here. Too bad you’re going to pop any minute, though, with all that air in it.”

  I know he heard me, even if he is concentrating on procuring phony money from a gawking teenager. I can’t help but wonder when they started exiting the booths to give visitors their coins directly. The park is a near time-warp, and it looks strikingly similar to when my father brought me here himself.

  “I’m Christy,” says the wriggling girl in short-shorts and a fluorescent pink crop top.

  “Hello, darling. Thanks so much,” he says with a wink. Taking my hand in his again, we stride off.

  “Sorry, love. You were saying something? You want to tie me up, or something like that, and have your way with me until I pop?”

  I smack his shoulder, but all too soon I laugh. He stops, and I almost walk into his chest.

  “What?”

  “Your laugh. It’s angelic, Caroline. It makes you utterly delectable.”

  I don’t know what to say or how to look, except I do know I should leave. How am I to even respond to such incredible flattery? I’m so taken aback, and his charm is nothing less than mouth-watering.

  “I’m very serious, Caroline. I love the sound of your laugh. Maybe if you stop yelling at me I could enjoy it more,” he says with a glint in his eyes.

  Oh I really do want to smack him.

  “How about it, love. Ferris wheel? The view is spectacular.”

  Hmm... There’s something about a sign that has the power to stop you in your tracks when it clearly states Maine’s Oldest Ferris Wheel, and by the look of it, it’s definitely not false advertising, either.

  Chapter Twelve

  “You think too much, sweetheart. I got you,” Alec says, dragging me behind.

  “Yeah, you got me. How will you get me when we’re both freefalling to the pavement?”

  I mean it’s not just my imagination. The wheel looks rundown and severely lackluster, and I swear it gives the impression of being quite intense compared to other Ferris wheels. It spins a little too quickly, but there’s also no time for me to think about it anymore. No one’s in line before us, and Alec’s fingers slip through mine as we board an open car. It’s a double charge of thrill and anticipation.

  I have to admit that the view from up here must be experienced. I would never manage a proper glimpse of York from ground level. The entire hamlet is before us as we go over the top, and the sensation on the way down is mind-blowing. This place is already uniquely memorable to me, and the new images have added to my nostalgia. I’m glad I’m doing this. I’m glad he decided on it for me.

  “Beautiful, right? When I see it like this, I need to convince myself that I’m not home in Wales.”

  “Is this what the coast line looks like in the UK?”

  “Some of it, yes. This is New England after all,” he says stretching an arm across the back of our seat. Alec settles in more comfortably, extending his legs onto the bench across us.

  I feel like my chest is expanding because my heart is suddenly full and heavy. I’m returning to my halcyon days, and the blond, somewhat stressed out little girl from my past sits before me, her back to the sea.

  “I did this once before,” I say. “I came here, on this ride with my father.” I take a moment to acknowledge what’s around me and subtly nod, allowing memories to come through, granting them access I had no idea I was denying.

  From up here, the atmosphere feels alive and human, like someone wanting to imprint the events of my young life on me. It’s a miscellaneous file I’ve essentially forgotten about with bits and pieces of loose ends that I must have stored for safekeeping.

  “I was anxious,” I say, “and overwhelmed, but in a good way, you know? I was nervous at first, but my Dad urged me on, and before I knew it I was squealing.”

  “You’re a natural thrill-seeker, are you?” Alec smirks, knowing I don’t have a daring bone in my body.

  Just like now, my thoughts were all over the place then, too. I was so excited that I couldn’t think straight. The images begin to take over, and I sniff back tears. I’m experiencing the same physical sensations like my six-year-old self, and I want to hoard every single recollection I manage to dredge up. I feel my inner child’s elation, and she dances in place, beaming a rapturous smile.

  “This is where I started talking again,” I say, holding myself tightly around the belly. I know I’m literally spinning, but my world is really spinning now. “Alec, this is the place... right here... I had such an intense feeling that I wanted to climb off and tell my mother about it. She couldn’t make it here,” I say, “and waited back at the inn. But this is it! This is where my voice came back... just resurrected out of me.”

  My mind is on replay, and I watch the scene with excited flutters filling my belly. I want to hug him for bringing me back, but I’m also tense by this nostalgic dance, led one way by melancholy and the other by joy. A flood of memories surge from their hiding spot deep in the back of my mind, and I think they would deny me the chance to contain them ever again. I look over to Alec.

  His face looks frozen in a gasp, holding a tense, pained look. His boots are flat on the metal floor, and his brows squeeze together. My eyes can’t stop themselves from wandering across the landscape of his face. His lips are sinfully plump and red, like only a lover’s nip and devouring kiss can do. The hot blood-current running underneath this man doesn’t let up, and glancing over his scruff, I want the feel of it under my fingers.

  His short curls look darker and more in place tonight, and I imagine working them loose. I wish I could have seen him sculpt his hair under his long fingers. With my own, I want to scour through and caress the rest of him. A single forehead line is visible and knowing his mind and body are disquiet and worried for me is suddenly the sexiest thing I’ve seen. Without his famous smile, his dimples are a thing of the past, but I long to see his cheeks rise, producing the attractive indents in his beautiful face. He’s lean and solid, and it’s the perfect fit for someone like me who is inching closer to falling apart. I ready myself, owing him an explanat
ion.

  “When Sofie told you about that period of time, you know, when the two of you were out on the porch, and she said I stopped talking…”

  Alec nods.

  I look down to my hands and continue, “It happened gradually, starting just before the summer I was starting school, and just after my mother was put away, it got worse. I don’t know if you’re aware, but one of the buildings at Catherine’s House is for in-patients.” I sigh.

  His head dips, and I’m uncertain if he’s trying to place what I’ve relayed, or if he’s aware of what I said.

  “My mom had a room there, and when she was gone, I felt so off—like I didn’t belong anywhere. Of course, I had my father and his mother and even his niece and loads of other nice people. But then, there was always something or someone reminding me I was an intruder.”

  Alec runs a hand frustratingly through his hair, and I give him an apologetic shrug for having to put up with my story. He clasps my wrist and slides his hand under mine, locking it in for safety and reinforcement.

  “Adults have this way of making the smallest pricks of rejection, and they cut me with intimidation—thinking a child couldn’t possibly notice. And I didn’t entirely, but I got the gist of it, and that was more than enough.” I look to the sea for courage before starting up again.

  “I remember being so worried that they’d get to my father. What if he gave up? What if he thought my mother wasn’t worth it, and I’d be given away in the process? So I guess I just shut up. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing because, according to my mother, I always did.” I shrink back.

  “I couldn’t even tell my mother when I ate something our neighbour had baked because she could get out of hand and assume I wanted Charlotte from downstairs to be my mother instead. Or she’d concoct the idea that our neighbour was using me to get to my Dad, until her manic side concluded that he must be having an affair with her.” I cower, receding deeper into the metal back seat as Alec moves forward, his elbows on his knees, and his eyes emptying compassion and concern into mine.

  “My mother has become reclusive, but at that point in her life she was always running off. There was lots of yelling and fear. My father is a saint, Alec, and this Ferris wheel—this decaying Ferris wheel that time forgot—has brought me back. And you!” I say breathing quickly, panting as though I’m running. “You brought me back. This idea, and your whole infuriating I’m-in-charge-of-everything-and-assume-Caroline’s-going-along-with-it attitude brought me back.”

  I laugh, a jumble of sniffles in between, and tears wet my lips, plunging into my cleavage. Crunching, I feel the need to tuck my head and abdomen in, but I also want to get off memory lane.

  “I’m sorry. We were talking about England... or Wales. Oh I’m so sorry, Alec. I didn’t mean to interrupt and be so rude. Really, I didn’t.”

  His eyes smoulder. “Hey, hey, Caroline. No, love… I’m just speechless because,” he pauses, squeezing my hand, “I have never wanted to know a person the way I want to know everything about you. And you make me want to tell you everything.”

  I’m staggered. It’s ridiculous of me to not have wondered what more there is to this man. He’s unveiled himself to me, and the intensity of this conversation propels me in a new direction. I feel tossed into an out of body experience, walking away from all that I’ve known and eager to leap into something new. With Alec on my team, trying something dangerous doesn’t terrify me as much.

  I look down, because in the end, I’m just not that courageous enough. I dab my eyes with the back of my fingers, pressing into their corners to prevent an outpour of tears and emotions. I want to ask him for more. I want to know everything about him, too, but more than that, I feel sorry for the little girl I was. I want to hug her, enfold her in my arms and cuddle her. I don’t want to be another adult raining on her parade, so I let her enjoy the ride to its completion.

  “You can talk to me,” I say and lean my head onto his shoulder. I hear him choke back.

  “When you’re ready, perhaps,” he answers, establishing that it’s not the time for him. “Caroline?” Alec says softly.

  “Hmm?”

  “For whatever reason, you buried all of that, but you’re still nothing less than amazing to me.” He springs this on me like a surprise party. “I’m happy I had the privilege to be your crutch—not that you need one. You’re strong and glorious, and I’m beguiled by you.”

  I feel a pulse in my throat. Ryan and I barely speak about my childhood, but that’s more my fault than his. I’ve noticed a certain degree of hesitance from him, and it’s miserable to be a bystander when he’s so ill at ease. He has sensible reservations because my mother isn’t an easy subject to get around to. Ryan’s simply more inclined to keep my mood light and cheerful. That’s his way, and most times, it’s even helpful.

  I feel flushed, my skin and nerves tingling. I want to move closer into Alec; I have such a desire to touch him. I don’t know where to look or go from here, and I think he wants to move closer to me, too. But divine intervention shows up, overruling us, and it’s our turn to disembark the Ferris wheel.

  “We can try another ride. Anything here you’d like, but with a concussion...” His voice is a temporary cessation of my crumbling emotional state, and I want to detour towards something lighter.

  “Not really. But can we go to that blues’ pub and get a drink? I think one is in order after my psychological breakthrough, don’t you agree?” I quip, because it would be so easy to cry right now.

  Alec’s posture becomes more erect and a deep gratifying grin moves across his mouth. He’s clearly savouring the extra time I’ve granted us. I feel brave all over again.

  “I do. I really do,” he says.

  A heat radiates through my chest, and his quick movements tow me eagerly back to Main Street.

  Ocean Blues faces a car lot but has an awesome vista of Short Sands Beach. Patrons are packed snugly around a long bar with a glossy wood finish. There’s seating for well over a dozen people, but there’s not a single available stool in sight. I don’t care about being at the bar. I much prefer a drink out on the gallery while looking at the moon and the sea. Alec must be thinking the same thing because that’s the direction we’re heading for, and I realize my hand is in his again.

  “Ca-ro-liine!”

  Whoa.

  Sofie has always been the type you hear before you see.

  “And Alec. No kidding.” Jason smiles broadly, and I’m nervous.

  Really, I’m still a little stewed at Sofie, but I’m more anxious and tense about coming off badly with Jay.

  “He doesn’t look like he’s that mad at me,” I murmur over to Alec.

  “Love, you’re plain barmy to think he’d be affronted by that. They sprang the news on you quite senselessly. Jason is very fair and won’t hold a grudge for something so petty. Clear the air if you must, Caroline, and then let’s have that drink.”

  I hesitate, and my breath stutters. I feel like I’ll trip over my tongue, so I snatch Alec’s hand back and pull him behind me to follow. It feels good to finally be in charge of him.

  “Come with me.”

  Alec and I cut around tables and clusters of people to reach them. I notice Sofie taking hold of the fact that she’s caught me hand-in-hand with Alecsander, and I honestly don’t care. I’m in no mood for caginess, nor do I want to circumspect every one of my inclinations. I want to do what I want to do, and right now feeling Alec’s vicinity is what I want as I prepare an apology for Jason.

  I stop before them, and Sofie’s rascally smile is playfully audacious. I grip Alec’s hand tighter, and he steps up receptively, his chest at my back.

  “Did you know we were here?” Sofie asks.

  “No,” I say straight-faced. “Besides, I’m not here to talk to you. I’m here for Jason.” I fling an ardent look at him.

  “Jason
... er… earlier I was really awful, and I was sort of shocked and upset. I totally lashed out, which I’ve regretted ever since.”

  Alec squeezes my hand, prodding me on.

  “I’m really sorry you were in the middle of that. I hope you’re not too mad at me. Can I buy you a drink?”

  I gulp after Jay’s wry look.

  “Look,” he starts, “you were a little beside yourself, but I didn’t dwell on that. Sofie and I handled it pretty thoughtlessly, and I get why you were a little appalled with us in that moment.”

  “I’m really sorry.”

  “Well, what about me?” Sofie butts in.

  “You?” I question. “What about you? We’ll talk when we get home.”

  Sofie eyes me with forged apprehension and glances down to my hand that’s still in Alec’s.

  “We sure will,” she gloats.

  “Let me get us all something to drink,” Jason offers gleefully.

  I look back at Sofie, imagining the conclusions she must be jumping at as Alec tugs me closer, and his mouth hovers dangerously above my ear. The contact is intimate, and I’m instantly dizzy.

  “Is the music too loud? I don’t want it bringing on another headache,” he asks.

  “No, really I’m fine. Actually, I really want a drink.”

  “Alright, then. But you can’t overdo it, Caroline. You were in the hospital only yesterday. I’m watching you, love.”

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you always so bossy?” I grin.

  “No. Usually I just don’t care.” He winks. “But then came you.” Alec leads us under a blue umbrella by a white railing.

  “Caroline! Meet our friend Christopher. Chrissie, meet the cousin,” Sofie announces.

  Awkwardly, the server seems very happy to meet me, and I assume Sofie’s spoken about me here, too.

  “Well, look at this hottie. Wow she is delish,” says Christopher, fanning himself with a hand and sliding an arm around Sofie.

  “Cute, right,” she says kissing my cheek. “She’s the best, too.”

  Ah. She’s drunk.