Dunc and the Greased Sticks of Doom

by Gary Paulsen

  “Do you know what happens when you mess with spies?” Amos whined. “Think of all those James Bond movies.”

  “This could be the best Christmas vacation ever.” Dunc walked faster. “ ‘Dunc Bond and his trusty sidekick, Amos Binder, 007.’ ”

  Dunc and Amos followed the two men into the rest room. The men were talking quietly in a toilet stall.

  “Psst—in here!” Dunc whispered for Amos to follow him into the adjacent stall.

  They both climbed onto the toilet seat and stood, listening intently.

  One of the men was speaking. “This should do it. Here’s your stuff. Did you bring the cash?” He sounded as if he had eaten sandpaper for breakfast.

  “Here, take your money.” The other man had a smooth voice with an English accent. “This special resin had better work.”

  “Hey, if it doesn’t cause Bartoli to lose control after you put it on his skis, just come and find me.” The raspy voice was threatening. “I’d be happy to return the money to you. But I can guarantee Bartoli will crash. It’ll turn his skis to grease.” He stopped talking abruptly. “Shh, somebody’s coming.”

  The door to the bathroom opened, and several people came in laughing.

  “Dunc, they sound like girls.” Amos was whispering. “We aren’t in the girl’s bathroom, are we?”

  “I didn’t check. Be quiet.” Dunc put his finger to his lips. The men were also silent.

  “… and then he inflated his lips on the window.” It was Melissa.

  “I’m so sure. What a geek!”

  Another girl asked, “Did you know who it was?”

  “He looked familiar, but I couldn’t place him.” Melissa hesitated. “Wait a sec—he was the same one who ran through Francesco’s press conference. Amos something …”

  “Uunnggg …” Amos’s knees buckled as he stood on top of the toilet seat.

  “What was that?” The other girl laughed.

  “I’m not sure,” Melissa answered.

  Amos collapsed.

  •7

  Dunc tried to grab Amos, but he was too late.

  Amos’s left foot caught in the toilet paper dispenser, and his right foot splashed in the toilet bowl.

  “What was that?” Both the men and the girls shouted at once.

  Amos sprawled out on the floor. His face went under the stall partition. The men stood there staring down at him. He looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

  A dead deer.

  “He’s been there all the time. He heard everything. Get him!” The man with the raspy voice lunged down for him.

  “Run for it, Amos!” Dunc flew out of the stall and headed for the bathroom door. Amos struggled to his feet and followed Dunc through the stall door.

  His left foot dragged toilet paper, and his right foot sloshed from the toilet water.

  Melissa and her friend stared as Dunc and Amos thundered past them, chased by the two men, out the door, pounding back out into the mall.

  Something caught Dunc’s eye as they whipped past the toy store. “Amos—your foot,” he gasped, his feet pounding.

  Amos looked down. From his left foot, toilet paper was stretching back behind him, trailing from the the girls’ rest room. Amos shook his foot, but the paper was stuck fast. People started to notice them.

  “Hey, that’s the kid from the press conference—that one who hit the bear—”

  “Quick, in here!” Dunc ran into a pet store and Amos followed, leaving his toilet paper trail.

  The clerk had his back to the counter and didn’t notice them. “Head for that back door,” Dunc said without missing his stride.

  They went through the door beneath a sign that neither of them saw. It was an important sign. It read …

  BEWARE: DANGEROUS ANIMALS

  Stacked around the room were large animal shipping containers, with solid metal sides and small cage windows in the doors. But the lights were off and it was hard to see. “It’s dark in here. Where did you go, Dunc?”

  “In here. Come on, I can hear them coming.” Dunc slid into one of the cases and crouched down.

  Amos fumbled around in the dark until he felt his way in. “Dunc, why is your breath so bad?”

  Dunc’s answer sounded far away. “You’re not in my box.”

  There was a deep growl next to Amos.

  •8

  Just then the door creaked open and the light from the pet shop spilled into the room.

  The shadow of the two men moved across the floor.

  Amos sat in suspense. “If I’m not in your box, then what’s in here with me?” Amos hissed. There was another low growl.

  “Shhh.”

  “The toilet paper leads in here.” The man with the sandpaper voice was pointing to the trail that led directly to the case Amos was in.

  He followed it.

  Amos heard another growl, and turned to see two glowing eyes in the shadows behind him.

  Red eyes.

  The man now standing in front of Amos’s case snorted as he bent over to open the latch. The glowing red eyes blinked.

  There was an explosion of fur like a hair bomb blowing up, and the man was jerked off his feet and dragged into the cage with Amos.

  “Eeeaaaah!”

  “It’s a wolverine cage, Bill. Says so right here on the label. You’d better get out of there.”

  It was too late.

  Dunc watched from his container. He thought that the cage looked like those suitcases that the gorilla in the commercials tosses around.

  And Amos was inside it. The cage tumbled across the floor, emitting screams and growls, and hit the wall with a thump. Somehow, some way, Amos dragged himself out. He was covered with toilet paper and had a wolverine wrapped around his leg.

  “Get it off, Dunc!” Amos tried to run. But the wolverine tripped him, and the two of them flopped past the man at the door and out of the room.

  Instead of chasing Amos, the man moved to help his friend, who was still inside the wolverine container, bleeding from a thousand scratches.

  Dunc used the moment to make a break for it. He burst out of the cage and sprinted for the door. He followed the screams and shredded toilet paper trail until he saw a crowd.

  “Ge … i … helf …” Dunc heard Amos’s muffled cries.

  “Amos, quit playing with the pets. We’ve gotta get out of here.” Dunc moved to the center of the crowd.

  “Dnc … helf …” Now the wolverine was wrapped around Amos’s face like a furry wet towel. His clothes were torn to rags.

  “Hold still, Amos.” Dunc pulled the wolverine off Amos as if he were defusing a bomb. The wolverine tried to bite at Dunc, but he pushed it aside. It would have turned back on Dunc except that it discovered a woman with a pink poodle on the end of a leash. The wolverine went for the poodle.

  “The room is spinning, Dunc.” Amos wobbled from side to side. “Is the monster gone? Where am I?”

  “Don’t open your eyes yet, Amos.” Dunc steadied him. “You’ll wish you hadn’t.”

  Amos opened his eyes.

  He was looking right into the face of Melissa.

  For the third time that day, he fainted.

  •9

  “Guess what, Amos? They’re gonna let you out of here.” Dunc walked through the door of Amos’s hospital room.

  “I just got here. They’re not going to turn me loose again, are they?” Amos had hoped to spend the rest of his vacation in the safety of the hospital.

  “Well, they do have some things to do with you first.” Dunc sat down.

  “Things? What things?” Amos was getting nervous.

  “Just the shots.”

  “Shots?” Amos went white.

  “After all, you were wearing a wolverine on your face.” Dunc shrugged. “The police haven’t found out who those guys were yet.”

  “Shots? How big is the needle?”

  “They asked me some questions.” Dunc leaned forward to whisper, “But I made sure I didn’t tel
l them about what we heard in the bathroom.”

  “Is it one of those square needles?”

  “I figured that if I told them, we wouldn’t get all the credit ourselves.” Dunc arranged the magazines on the bedstand. “For a hospital they sure are sloppy. The dates on these magazines aren’t even in the proper sequence.”

  “Credit for what, Dunc?”

  “The big bust.” Dunc put the magazines in chronological order. “We’ll save Francesco at just the right moment.”

  “I don’t want anything to do with it.” Amos folded his arms. “You’ve gotten me into enough trouble already.”

  “Amos, think it through.” Dunc looked up from the magazines. “Melissa thinks you’re a geek now, right?”

  “Yeah.” Amos stared at Dunc.

  “Well, when we save Francesco, I’ll make sure you get the credit.” Dunc straightened the lampshade by the bed.

  Amos looked unimpressed.

  “Francesco is the heartthrob of every girl in school. If you save him, you’ll be the envy of all of them, especially Melissa.”

  “But what if those men come after us?” Amos thought about the James Bond movies again. But then, James Bond always got the girl.

  “Don’t worry, Amos.”

  The doctor walked in, holding a long dripping syringe. “Amos Binder?”

  It happened again. Amos fainted.

  •10

  “You should eat cereal, Amos.” Dunc crunched his Bran-Nuts. “Those pancakes and syrup have thousands of calories.”

  “I’ll need all the energy I can get to follow you around.” Amos wolfed down half a pancake in one bite. “Besides, that cereal looks like gravel.”

  “While you were still asleep, Francesco called.” Dunc swallowed. “He said he would give us lessons this morning.”

  “Did you tell him about those men?”

  “No, I thought that if we caught them on our own, it would look better.” Dunc spooned up some skim milk.

  “Shouldn’t we tell him? Remember that they were going to do something to his skis.”

  “If we tell him, no one will believe we saved him.” Dunc stood up. “You do want Melissa to think you saved him, don’t you?”

  They went to the Fuzzy Bunny, where they found Francesco waiting. “Good morning, boys. How are you today?”

  “Great, absolutely great!” Dunc was so excited he was shaking.

  Amos was shaking too.

  “What’s wrong, Amos?” Dunc tapped Amos’s shoulder.

  Amos was looking down toward the lodge. “Those two men—the spies are down there.”

  “Spies?” Francesco looked down the slope. “What spies?”

  “Could you excuse us?” Dunc turned toward Francesco and whispered, “I don’t think he’s fully recovered from his crash yet.”

  “Hmmm. Maybe we had better wait on the lessons then. What do you think?”

  Dunc nodded.

  “Come find me when he’s feeling better, okay?” Francesco turned and walked back toward the chairlift.

  Dunc turned back to his friend. “Did you really see them, Amos?”

  “Just one.”

  “Did he see you?” Dunc squinted down at the lodge to see more clearly.

  “I don’t think so.”

  “Let’s follow him.” Dunc started down to the lodge.

  “Wait—remember the last time we followed him?” Amos stood up fast. “I got to wear a roll of toilet paper, not to mention a wolverine.”

  “Oh, come on, Amos. That was exciting. Besides, don’t forget that Melissa has a crush on Francesco.”

  With a sigh Amos gave in.

  They walked down to the lodge where Amos had seen the man.

  “Did you see where he went?” Dunc looked around like a secret service agent.

  “He walked that way.” Amos pointed toward the parking lot. “There he is.”

  “He’s walking toward Francesco’s van. Let’s hurry.”

  “He’s getting into the driver’s seat.” Amos had to jog to keep up with Dunc. “He’s gonna steal the van.”

  “Quick, run for the back door!” Dunc broke into an all-out lope. “We’ll find out where they’re going.”

  “Shouldn’t we report this?” Amos said, following. But it was too late.

  Dunc opened the back door and threw himself into the van before Amos could say anything more. With a heave, Amos launched himself into the door too.

  “Get under these ski clothes.” Dunc climbed into a pile of jackets in the corner of the van.

  The back of the van was filled with Francesco’s ski equipment.

  They lay hidden quietly listening for clues, but all they heard was the sound of the engine.

  The van came to a sudden halt.

  They heard the driver get out and someone talking.

  Then with a click the back door opened.

  •11

  “All of Francesco’s skis should be in here.”

  “I’m sure no one saw me steal the van.” The weasely man climbed in. “If we hurry, we can get it back before it’s missed.”

  Amos was short of breath. He felt as if he were being smothered.

  “Harley, sit down and hold the skis while I put this resin on.”

  Harley sat down on the ski clothes—and Amos’s head.

  Amos froze and lay there while the men worked on the skis. He could no longer breathe. At last he sucked in air with a whooshing sound.

  “What the—” The man heard the noise and threw the clothes aside. “Hey! You’re the one from the mall!”

  He reached down and grabbed Amos by the collar.

  Amos struggled to break free, but the man’s grip was too strong.

  “How much do you know, kid?” The man picked Amos up off the floor like a toy. “And you had better tell the truth.”

  “I don’t know anything—I mean, know about what?” Amos had never been very good at lying under pressure. Actually, Amos wasn’t very good at lying, period.

  “Put him in one of those crates until the ski race is over, then it won’t matter.” Harley pointed over his shoulder. There was a warehouse next to where the van was parked and lots of wooden boxes.

  “Yeah, no one would believe this kid anyway.” Bill held Amos high enough to look straight into his eyes. “By the time the race is over, we’ll be on our way out of the country.”

  Amos looked down at the pile of clothes that still hid Dunc, then realized the man had followed his gaze.

  “What are you looking at, kid?” Bill looked down at the clothes. “That’s right. You had a friend with you, didn’t you?”

  “Dunc, run!” Amos struggled to get free, flopping like a caught fish.

  Dunc sprang up and ran right into Harley, who said, “Gotcha.”

  “I’m sure these are the only two who know,” Bill said. “Let’s get them into the crates.”

  “You won’t get away with this, you know,” said Dunc.

  “Oh, yeah? We’ll see about that.” Bill put Dunc in a large crate.

  “We know all your plans.” Dunc looked smug. “Don’t we, Amos?”

  “Dunc, shut up.” Amos bit his lip. “Remember what I said about James Bond movies?”

  “Good advice, Dunc. Shut up.” Harley smiled a twisted grin. “ ’Nighty-night.”

  With Amos and Dunc tucked into the crate, the men put the cover on and nailed it shut.

  •12

  “Well, Dunc, what now?” Amos listened to the van pull away. “They’re getting away, and we’re stuffed in a box.”

  “What would James Bond do?” Dunc pulled out the penlight on his key chain.

  “You’re not James Bond.” Amos blinked from the light. “James Bond wouldn’t have gotten crammed into a crate.”

  “I’ve got an idea.” Dunc rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Start feeling around for a weak spot in the crate.”

  “Why?”

  “I’ll tell you when we find one.” Dunc felt the seams of the box.

>   After a few minutes, Dunc found what he thought was a small crack.

  “All right, now take your coat off.” Dunc unzipped his own jacket, managed to get it off, and set it beside Amos.

  Amos looked at him suspiciously.

  “Come on, Amos. We have to hurry, or they’re going to get away.”

  “What harebrained idea do you have now?” Amos struggled to remove his ski jacket in the tight quarters. “This is going to hurt, isn’t it?”

  “It shouldn’t be too bad Amos. We’re going to use our heads to get out of this one.”

  “I had figured on using my brain, Dunc, but what are we going to do?”

  “That’s not what I meant.” Dunc tapped his forehead. “I meant we are going to use our heads.”

  “You’re not serious. You want me to ram the box open with my head?”

  “Use the sleeves to tie the jackets around your ears.”

  “Aren’t you going to do this too?” Amos pointed the penlight at Dunc’s ski jacket lying beside him.

  “No, we’re going to need all the padding for one head.” Dunc studied the crack. “Besides, one of us has to hold the light.”

  “Why do I let you do this to me?” Amos started tying on his improvised crash helmet.

  “Your folds are sloppy, but that looks about right.” Dunc studied Amos’s helmet with the penlight when he had finished. “Can you see out of that?”

  “Barely.”

  “It makes you look like one of those cartoon characters with the huge heads.” Dunc laughed.

  “Shut up.”

  “All right, let’s get started. And try not to get us covered with wood chips.”

  Amos lined up just right, pulled back with his neck, and let fly.

  Whuunnk!

  His head stopped cold.

  It sounded like a melon thumped to be tested for ripeness.

  “A little to the left.” Dunc checked the seam with his fingers. “You missed.”

  “Ohhh …” Amos gave a muffled moan.

  Whuunnk!

  “Ohhh …” Amos’s right leg spasmed.

  “Now to the right, just a hair.” Dunc resumed the role of foreman.