Not Pretending Anymore

by Ward, Penelope

  It sounded awful when she said it like that, but it was also the truth. I hung my head and let her get it out. She had every right.

  Julia raised her voice. “I broke up with my boyfriend for you!”

  “I’m sorry. I liked you. I really did. This thing with Molly—it was very unexpected.”

  “You know what else wasn’t expected?”

  She stood, pulled her pocketbook onto her shoulder, and took two steps to my side of the booth. Then she picked up the large glass of ice water the waitress had left and dumped the entire thing onto my lap before storming out.

  Well, that went well.

  ***

  The next morning, I woke with a bad feeling in my gut. I still hadn’t heard from Molly, even though I’d sent a second text last night. Again she’d read my message, but hadn’t responded. I started to get worried, so I’d followed up with a call. But that went straight to voicemail. It wasn’t a good sign when the woman you flew into town to profess your love to wouldn’t even text or call you back.

  Though, for some reason, being back in Chicago had a surprising effect on me. I’d started to feel surer than ever that I needed to come clean with Molly and put my heart on the line. So rather than send a third text that would keep me staring at my phone all day, I decided to go find her.

  Molly’s normal shift ended at seven, so I went to the hospital and waited out front. A slew of people dressed in scrubs walked in and out, but there was no sign of the woman I’d come to see. Just as I was about to leave, I noticed a familiar face come through the door.

  “Emma?” I called.

  Her brows pulled together for a second before she recognized me. “Declan, right?”

  I nodded and walked toward her. “Yeah. How you doing?”

  Emma had been walking with another nurse, and she turned and told her she’d see her tomorrow.

  “What are you doing here? Is everything okay? Are you visiting someone?”

  I shook my head. “I’m actually looking for Molly. Did you happen to see her today? I’m not sure if she’s working or not.”

  Emma frowned. “She wasn’t on last night. Though I saw her name on the schedule earlier in the week, so I asked our supervisor. She said Molly had requested a few days off.”

  “Oh? Is she okay?”

  Emma looked at me with what could only be described as pity. “Yeah, I texted her to check in and ask if everything was alright. She said she went out of town for a few days—a mini vacation of some sort, I guess.”

  “Out of town? Did she say where?”

  Emma shook her head. “We were really busy last night, so I didn’t get a chance to text back. Once I knew she was okay, I figured I’d check in with her when I got off today.”

  Well, this news sucked, but I guess that’s what I got for showing up unannounced. “Thanks, Emma.”

  “Do you want me to let Molly know you’re looking for her when I text her later?”

  It dawned on me that Molly had found time to text her friend back, but not me. My theory that she was busy went flying out the window.

  “No, it’s okay. Thanks.”

  “Alright. You take care, Declan.”

  She turned away, but I needed to know one more thing. “Emma?”

  She turned back.

  “Did you happen to see Will Daniels on tonight?”

  She frowned again. “No, he wasn’t on either. Sorry.”

  After that, I wasn’t quite ready to go to the office. I decided to take a ride out to the lake. When I got there, I sat on the concrete wall that ran along the sand and looked out at the water.

  Where was I going from here? Back to California? It was screwed up, but the place where I’d lived my entire life no longer felt like home. I used to think home was where all of my shit was stored. But now, home felt more like where my heart resided. And that was in Chicago with Molly. Leaving here would be leaving it behind. I couldn’t imagine ever having another use for it, so maybe it didn’t matter where the hell I left it.

  I wound up sitting on that wall for hours. I didn’t even call or text Julia to let her know I would be late to the office. I doubted she was anxiously waiting for me to show up anyway, unless perhaps there was another glass of ice water nearby. At noon, my phone buzzed in my pocket. It was the first time in the last few days I hadn’t gotten that rush of excitement, thinking it might be Molly. Because now I knew she was most likely away with Will. Nevertheless, I dug out my cell.

  Belinda’s name flashed on the screen. I debated not answering, because what was I going to tell her? That I’d waited too long and failed? I hated to disappoint yet another person. But before I could decide, it stopped ringing. A moment later, it started to ring again, and the same name flashed on the screen.

  So I took a deep breath and swiped to answer.

  “Hey, Belinda.”

  “Where the hell are you, cowboy?”

  “I’m in Chicago, down by the lake.”

  “Well, I just opened up for the day, and guess what? A gorgeous woman was my first customer. Little thing made my heart do a pitter-patter.”

  I smiled. “That’s great, Belinda.”

  “It sure is. Beautiful woman walks into a lesbian bar and smiles at me. I was thinking this was my lucky day. So you know what I did?”

  “What?”

  “I hit on her. Used one of my best, tried-and-true lines.”

  “Good for you.”

  “Not really.”

  “How come?”

  “Because this woman sitting here at my bar isn’t looking for Mrs. Right.”

  “Sorry, Belinda.”

  “Don’t be sorry. What you need to be is back here in Wisconsin.”

  I wasn’t following. “Why do I need to be back there?”

  “Because the woman sitting at the end of my bar who just turned me down cold is your Molly.”

  CHAPTER 34

  * * *

  Declan

  I’d started driving the rental car from the lake toward the airport. But as I did the math, I realized even if I were lucky enough to catch a flight right away, between returning the rental car, the time it takes to board and disembark, picking up another rental car on the other side, and the forty-five minute flight, I’d barely make it there any faster than I could drive. So instead of exiting for O’Hare, I headed north toward Madison. I couldn’t risk that a flight might get delayed or that there wouldn’t be any seats left until late tonight.

  When I started, the GPS said the drive would take me about three hours, but apparently they didn’t know what speed I’d be going. Because two-and-a-half hours later, I was parking outside The Spotted Cow.

  I had no luggage, no hotel, and a rental car that was supposed to be in another state, but none of that mattered. I’d asked Belinda to stall Molly for as long as she could, but not tell her I was in Chicago. My heart pounded in my chest as I opened the door and saw Molly sitting in my usual seat.

  It felt like it took forever to get to her, even though she was just at the end of the bar.

  Molly jumped down from her stool and landed clumsily on her feet. “Oh my God, I thought you’d never show.”

  Unable to touch her fast enough, I wrapped my arms around her and drew her in close. “I can’t believe you came here.” I squeezed. “God, Molly, I missed you.”

  “It was a spur-of-the-moment decision. I had to see you.”

  I moved back to look at her face. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming to Wisconsin?”

  She shrugged and smiled. “I don’t know. I guess I didn’t want you to say anything that might change my mind. I wanted to get to you before you could talk me out of it. I needed to see you before you left for California.”

  I pulled her in for another hug and spoke in her ear, “I have so much to say to you. But we need to go somewhere and talk privately.”

  When our eyes met again, she asked, “What took you so long to get here? Where were you tonight?”

  “Well, funny you
should ask…” I laughed. “It took me forever to get here because I was driving back from Chicago.”

  Her eyes widened. “What?”

  “I went to see you.”

  “Are you kidding?”

  “No. You can’t make this shit up. I was looking for you. You weren’t answering my texts. I was losing my mind, Molly.”

  She put two and two together. “Wait, does that mean you’ve already checked out of your room here?”

  I chuckled. “Yup. I’m homeless as of right now.”

  Belinda interjected, “No, you’re not. You’re going to my place. I’ll spend the night at my sister’s. Been meaning to catch up with her anyway.”

  “I can’t let you do that. We can go back to the hotel. I’m sure they have a vacancy.”

  Belinda slapped her dishrag against the wood of the bar. “No way I’m gonna let you do what you need to do tonight with bedbugs as your audience.” She reached into her pocket and removed one of the keys from her keyring. “Take my damn key and go upstairs.”

  Belinda lived right above the bar in a loft-style apartment. While I’d never been inside, I suspected it was nice. I also suspected I’d be wasting my time if I believed she’d take no for an answer tonight. And it was a relief not to have to waste time finding a room.

  “I won’t fight you on this, Belinda,” I said. “Thank you.”

  While Molly gave her a hug goodbye, Belinda flashed me a thumbs-up. I guess I officially had her approval.

  Placing my hand on the small of Molly’s back, I led her out of the bar.

  As we climbed the stairs to Belinda’s, my heart raced. I gathered my thoughts and wondered what had prompted Molly to come all the way here. Was she freaked out that she might not see me again, or was it something more?

  I turned the key to enter Belinda’s apartment.

  “Wow. Nice place,” Molly said.

  Belinda had plants throughout the space, and the bright décor was just as vibrant as she was. It was one big space with a kitchen that opened to the living room, and a large bed in the farthest corner of the room. Everything was meticulously clean.

  Molly looked around, and then finally at me. “I’m so confused, Declan. I thought you were never going back to Chicago. Obviously, I wouldn’t have come here if I knew you were headed to me.”

  I placed my hands on her shoulders. “I wasn’t planning to go to Chicago. But then I got my head out of my ass and realized I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t come see you.” I took a deep breath. Here goes. “Things with Will and you are at a point that if I waited any longer, I would never get a chance to tell you how I feel—”

  Before I could elaborate, Molly interrupted me. “There is no more Will and me, Declan.”

  I cocked my head. “What?”

  “I broke up with him.”

  My heart felt ready to explode, bursting with hope. “When was this?”

  “A couple of days ago.”

  “What happened?” I tried to seem sympathetic, though I wanted to dance.

  “I realized one night—when I randomly started crying at work because someone named their baby Declan—that I’m…totally in love with you.” Her chest heaved.

  She’s in love with me?

  Molly is in love with me?

  I should’ve immediately told her I loved her back, but my overwhelmed brain wasn’t there yet. It hadn’t caught up with my heart and was still processing.

  “Why didn’t you call me?” I asked.

  “Because I didn’t know if you felt the same way, and I wasn’t sure it was right to tell you. That is, until I found a note you’d left under your bed. Well, actually Siobhan found it.”

  Note? “What note?”

  Molly took a piece of paper out of her purse and handed it to me.

  I recognized the rambling thoughts I’d written down the time I was going to ask her to take a chance on me. I’d never imagined those scribbled words would lead her to me tonight.

  “I wrote all that down the night you told me you were going to start dating Will. All day I’d tried to figure out how I was going to tell you I wanted us to take a chance and go for it. But when you made that announcement, you seemed so optimistic… I decided I shouldn’t tell you what I was feeling. But I’ve regretted that decision every day.”

  Molly wrapped her hands around my face. “I would’ve chosen you, Declan. There’s no doubt in my mind. I wish you’d told me.”

  Placing my hands over hers, I said, “I didn’t want to turn your life upside down when you’d made the decision I thought you wanted. My fears crept in fast. I convinced myself you were better off without me. Better off with him.”

  “Why would you ever think that?”

  It was hard to admit that my insecurities were to blame. “It had a lot to do with my fears about turning into my mother—how my future might affect you. I hadn’t told you about my depression at that point. I didn’t want to burden you with my issues. Not to mention, at the time, you were going through a lot with your dad, and I didn’t want to make things harder.”

  She shook her head. “You could never be a burden to me. When you care about someone, you take all parts of them. It doesn’t scare me, Declan. And even if it did, it wouldn’t stop me from wanting to be with you. No one is perfect—certainly not me. As long as you let me be there for you and don’t shut me out, we can make it through anything.”

  Her words brought me immense relief. “I know you mean that.” I nodded. “And I’m trying to work through my fears.”

  We stared into each other’s eyes until Molly finally spoke.

  “The day you hid the note under your bed… Maybe at that time I thought Will was what I wanted, but there’s never been a moment I wasn’t thinking about you, hoping we could be together. I was kidding myself believing things could work out between Will and me. This entire time, I’ve been falling in love with you. My inability to tell Will I loved him had nothing to do with my feelings for him, and everything to do with the fact that I love you.” She laughed. “It just took me a while to figure it out.”

  I placed my forehead against hers. “I believe you’ve now told me you love me twice, and I haven’t said it once.” Not wanting to flub this, I kissed the top of her head and geared up to pour my heart out. “Molly, I love you so much. It’s why I went to Chicago—to tell you. Up until now, I’d been afraid you’d tell me to go back to Cali. I wasn’t gonna fight it if you were truly happy with him. But I’m so glad I went with my gut. If I’d known you felt this way about me, I would’ve been there a hell of a lot sooner.”

  “It’s okay. We both had to figure this out in our own way.”

  “We’ve been trying to get to the same place—to each other—but we’ve had a lot of missed connections along the way.”

  “What now?” she asked.

  “You tell me,” I said.

  Molly reached up on her tiptoes to speak over my lips. “I want you right now. I feel like I’ve been waiting forever.”

  “Pretty sure if I don’t get to feel what it’s like to be inside you, I’m gonna explode.” I savored the sweet taste of her lips. Then I lifted her into my arms and carried her over to the bed, collapsing on top of her.

  The second our bodies hit that mattress, the bed bounced us around as if we were in the middle of the goddamn ocean.

  “What the fuck?” I yelled.

  Molly fell into a fit of laughter. “What is this, 1985?” she cracked.

  Belinda had a freaking waterbed! “What the fuck is she thinking?” Then I noticed something else. “Listen.” I paused with Molly still under me. “Do you hear that?”

  It was the sound of the ocean. Belinda had some kind of setup where as soon as the bed moved, it triggered the sound of waves and seagulls.

  It was fitting, with how topsy-turvy our relationship had been, that our first time would be in a waterbed that mimicked the ocean. Honestly, it didn’t matter where we were.

  I began to devour
Molly’s neck, speaking into her skin. “I can’t believe how long I’ve had to wait for this. You taste so fucking good.”

  She gripped my back, digging her nails into me. “Please don’t go back to California…”

  “I don’t want to be away from you.” I spoke over her lips. “We’ll figure it out, baby.”

  We began to rip off each other’s clothes. With the sounds of the ocean still playing, we were now totally naked as Belinda’s waterbed tossed us around.

  Desperate to taste Molly, I lowered my head to her pussy and spread her legs. She gasped as I began to lap at her tender clit. There was no easing into it. I was so hungry for her. Molly tasted sweeter than anything. Pushing her legs wider, I devoured her, harder and faster, before inserting my tongue. She pulled at my hair and guided my face deeper into her.

  “Declan,” she panted.

  All she needed was to say my name. I slid up to meet her lips. Molly moaned over my mouth, and within seconds, I was inside of her. My eyes rolled back. She was so wet and ready that I nearly came the second her pussy wrapped around my cock. This was something I never thought I’d get to feel. What started out slow soon turned into hard and fast, made even more intense by the rocking motion of the “water.” But I needed to feel her without the distraction of the bouncy bed.

  I pulled out and led her onto the floor, grabbing a pillow to support her head. As I hovered over her, Molly placed her hand around my engorged cock and once again led me into her opening. She was so incredibly wet and warm. I’d always imagined what it might feel like, but this was better.

  She tightened around me, and I nearly came. When she wrapped her legs around my back, allowing me even deeper into her, I almost lost it again.

  Molly circled her hips to meet my thrusts. I closed my eyes in euphoria, unable to believe I’d almost let her go, almost never experienced this moment. The idea of that caused me to move even faster. She was every bit mine now.

  Her hands wrapped around my ass as I pumped into her.

  Molly’s screams of pleasure echoed throughout the big loft as she suddenly let go. It took everything in me not to explode, but I held on until the moment I felt her orgasm pulsate around me. I’d never made a woman come that fast before. It was beautiful to see her come undone.