“Are you surprised that your old partner can care about you?” she asked. “You’re my friend, Veronica. And for once, demon or not, I actually like the idea.” She went to VD, and hesitating at first, reached out her arms, and hugged her. “Take care, my friend.”
VD hugged her back without hesitating. “You too,” said VD as she left.
Twenty-one
Wednesday, October 1st
“Oh come on Shane…” The hurt in Jennifer’s voice pricked at his conscience. “You know we’ll have a good time. I promise you.”
Shane sighed. “I appreciate your offer, believe me, Jennifer, but I’m really going to have to pass.”
He made a valiant attempt to sound cheerful, but it came out forced and perfunctory.
“Is there something wrong between us, Shane? If you want to break up, I’ll understand, but I think you should at least tell me why. You owe me that much.”
“Look, I know this sounds cliché, but it’s not you; it’s me. I just need something more than these casual relationships. It’s nice, especially with you, but it isn’t enough. I realize it doesn’t make much sense to you, but you must believe me. I’m ready for more, Jennifer. No offense.”
“OK, Shane. I’ll try to understand.” Her voice cracked, and he winced.
Jennifer stifled her sobs. “I wish you the best, Shane. I really do.”
“Thanks, Jenn. You’ve made me see things I wouldn’t normally see in a relationship: I honestly think I’ve grown, but I need to re-evaluate and move on.”
An awkward silence lingered.
“Well, take care of yourself, Jenn. Maybe I’ll see you around.” He pushed the disconnect button on his cell phone before she could try to talk him out of it, and decided to ignore any further calls. His life lacked a fundamental truth; something integral and vital; the game had become empty and he needed more. That missing piece eluded him, and he intended to rectify the situation.
* * *
Poisonous woke up in a good mood. She smiled, and sang—pretty well, too. “Wow, this is great.” Even her walk was upbeat. While she sang to herself, she made herself some tea. She sat on the balcony, lost in all her new thoughts, especially of Veronica. “Old partner, I love you, I really do.” She didn’t even think about using the word ‘love.’ It felt natural now.
She sat and stared at nothing in particular. Her smile disappeared, and her mood darkened. Sad thoughts filled her mind from every direction. As she lingered over her tea, her head lowered, and her eyes became downcast. “And yes, Veronica, I’m sure you love me, but why? For that matter, why do others love me? I am a demon. I’m evil. I have no right to be loved.”
The thought of others loving her become unbearable. She held her hands to her head, willing all her thoughts to go away. She needed to stop thinking. All she could do was to hold herself in her arms, and tremble. “Why do you trouble me so, Poisonous? Why don’t you just leave my thoughts and me alone? I can’t bear to see or think of you anymore.” Redness filled her eyes, and her throat was tight with a painful emotional lump. To make matters worse, the more she got angry with herself for being so weak, the sadder she felt.
Evie broke her reverie, walking in the door from work.
Poisonous sat on the couch, cross-legged, trying to find a comfortable position, but squirmed and changed position repeatedly. “Curses!”
She looked at Evie, and then turned quickly away.
“What’s wrong, Poisonous?”
She turned back to Evie, put her hands around her legs and shook her head. “Evie, I’m losing my mind.”
“Why do you say that? What’s bothering you?”
“I... I don’t know how to make this guilt go away.” Poisonous eyes glassed over. “I’ve spent most of the day struggling with my thoughts.” She stood up suddenly, her face set like a flint. “I have to get out of here, Evie. I just... have to get out of here. I think a change of scenery will help me think more clearly. I hope you understand.” She looked pleadingly at Evie.
“I understand, honey. Go let the Lord help you think.”
She mumbled a quick “Thank you,” and ran down the hall, leaving the room and Evie quickly. She didn’t wait around to look at Evie as she left. The love her new roommate so freely gave her made her feel even more undeserving. Her pace picked up as she approached the elevator and hurried in; hoping against hope no one else would be in there. Mercifully, no passengers had gotten on the elevator. Poisonous didn’t want to have to answer well meaning, but trite Smalltalk with people she didn’t know.
Poisonous left the building and headed for Mt. Vernon Square, walking around the City Museum of Washington until she found a secluded spot. She crouched down in a spot inside a tool shed in the back of the grounds. She wrapped her arms around her legs, and buried her head behind her knees.
At length, looked upward, she said, “Lord Yehovah…I don’t understand what it is you want of me, but this is more than I can bear. I can deal with anger and hatred any day. At least I don’t have to feel love; feeling love is painful...” Images deep inside her heart she had long ago abandoned resurfaced.
“Do I have to keep feeling like this? Could you please make it stop?”
The painful thoughts became louder, more insistent. “Oh leave me alone, you cursed, wearisome thoughts,” she yelled. Fists pounded against the wall of the small shed. Strength to fight the battle left her. She slumped helplessly to the ground as her body shook while she sobbed. “Lord Yehovah. Please—” She choked, “Make this stop. It hurts...it hurts.”
Surveying her situation, she looked at the items in the little shed on Mount Vernon Square and realized she’d fallen asleep. She picked herself up, dusted off the leaves and pieces of grass covering her jeans, stretched and headed home. Once inside the condo, Evie looked up from her magazine. It was almost 11:30 PM.
“Is that you Poisonous?”
Redness covered her eyes, and the lines on her face reflected the tears that had been falling all day. “Yes. It’s me. Evie... I’m sorry, but I just don’t feel like talking.” She paused, searching for what to say next. “I think I’ll just go to bed.” After a few moments, she turned and managed a small smile. “But thank you for understanding.”
“It’s okay, honey. I do understand. Try to get some sleep. Tomorrow, Cydnie will come over to talk with you about working. At least you’ll have a chance to think about something different.” Evie turned away from her, and as she walked towards her room, she turned back and said, “Good night, Poisonous. May Lord Yehovah give you peace in your heart.”
Poisonous managed a smile. “Thank you. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Poisonous dragged herself with great effort into her room, changed into her pajamas and fell into bed, physically and emotionally exhausted.
VD could only watch tonight. She had watched her friend struggle all day, and had shed tears of her own. “Why does love shake you to the core? It must be a powerful thing, because it sure bothers you a lot.” As she watched over her friend, happy tears trickled from her eyes. “I love you, Poisonous. Be brave, sweet friend.”
Moments later, her countenance fell. “I don’t know if I can be brave, old friend. I need answers myself. I can’t ask Cydnie because she’ll rebuke me. I would ask Evie, who has been a real friend, but I need to talk to an impartial party; someone who’s in my situation. You’re as helpless as I am. But I’ve been watching someone else who might be able to help me make sense of all of this.” Poisonous had fallen asleep. Smiling at her friend, she said, “Sleep sweet one. I know you need it.”
Her thoughts rambled in her head, until the answer hit her. “That’s it. I need to talk to him, and soon.” Before she left, she turned and took a last look at Poisonous, who breathed gently as she slept. “I hope you find your answers. Maybe I’ll find mine too.”
* * *
Shane dialed his co-leader’s numbers in his cell-phone. “Roger. Shane. Listen, man. I’m got some really heavy rotation coming up at work, and I’m goin
g to be real busy,” he lied. “Could you do me a big favor and take over the Friday night study? I would be so-o-o-o indebted to you, man.”
“Sure, Shane. I’d be glad to help you out, buddy.”
A heavy sigh of relief followed the news that his friend had relieved him of a wearisome duty. That was easy. “Thanks, Roger. You’re the man.” No concern crossed his mind about charming his way out of something again. He sat back down in the easy chair, and reviewed his life to this point.
* * *
Thursday, October 2nd
Poisonous looked at the clock. 5:47 AM. She lay there and tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t. After tossing and turning for what must have been half an hour, she finally gave up, walked out to the kitchen, made herself some tea, and sat in the living room in the dark, save for the glow of a night-light. The nightlight made her feel cozy. Thoughts of her feelings of liking—maybe even loving—herself overwhelmed her and emotions rose within her again. In her anger and sadness, she looked upwards to the Heaven where the Lord of the Throne Room resided. “Lord Yehovah, why? Why have you given me—a demon—a heart that cares? Do you have any idea how much it hurts?”
Yes, dear child. I do. I died for you.
“Huh? You do?... You did? Why do you care about me? I have done nothing but fight against everything you stand for. I don’t deserve this.”
You do.
“But why? I’ve always been so evil. How can you forgive me?”
You are worthy.
“With all due respect, how can you say that? I’m…well, I’m evil. I can’t be worthy of your love. Can I?”
Yes, Perri. You can, and you are.
“Please... don’t toy with my feelings, Lord Yehovah. If you love me so much, will you at least make my guilt go away?”
I will... in time. First, you must know of my redemption, which Evie found. All must find it, even those who were former angels.
“Redemption? For me? Forgive me for being cynical, but I find that just too incredible to believe.” She shook her head in disbelief. “I’m... I’m just not worthy of redemption.” Tears pooled in her eyes. She buried her head in the pillows and helplessly gave in to her emotions. They were still new, and raw. She no longer had the energy to hold them back. Her body again convulsed with sobs. In time, she quieted, and looked up, daring to hope. “But you are the Lord of all, and if you say I’m worthy then I will try to believe you, Lord Yehovah. I guess I can live with that.” Emotionally spent, she fell asleep on the couch, and slept soundly.
The sound of the phone ringing in the girls’ apartment awoke Poisonous at 9:00 AM, on the dot.
She dragged herself up off the couch, and stumbled into the kitchen where the phone was ringing, demanding her attention by its insistent brrrring-brrrring… brrrring- brrrring.
“Hello?”
“Hi Poisonous.”
“Hi Cydnie. What time will you be over?”
“Give me a few minutes, okay?”
Poisonous laughed, imaging the heavenly soldier driving in a human car to the condominium. “You are truly a silly angel. I’ll see you then.”
The knock on the door woke her up, causing her to fumble off the couch where she had fallen back asleep, stagger over to the door, and look through the peephole.
“Oh, Cydnie! Hi!” She opened the door and let Cydnie in.
She couldn’t hold her excitement back. “Oh my gracious, Cydnie, I’m going to burst if I don’t get these thoughts out of my head.”
“Okay. So tell me... what gives?”
“You’ll probably find this strange, but Lord Yehovah and I talked last night. I’m not proud of this, but I was cynical. I wasn’t angry with Him. I think we just had an honest conversation, and I…” The smile came slowly out of hiding. Excitement filled her as she talked a mile a minute, briefly pausing to take a breath. “I feel like I’ve calmed down a bit. I think I’ve at least concluded that Lord Yehovah is a good listener. He seems to care about me. I’m still trying to figure out why anyone, especially Lord Yehovah would care about a…well, a demon like me. Boy it’s tough having a heart.” She paused, reflecting for a moment, and said, “I feel emotions I haven’t felt in a very long time, and those feelings are way more intense than any hatred for humans I felt before.” The heaviness slowly but surely began to lift from her. She found herself hugging Cydnie without giving it a second thought. “Thank you for being a friend, Cydnie. It’s very nice. I love you... and Evie.”
“Oh, Poisonous... I love you too, honey. I’m happy to hear such good news. You encourage me. Please consider me a friend. Your heart really is changing.” Warmth filled Cydnie’s smile.
Poisonous let herself smile as well. “I’m glad you’re willing to be a friend to me.” Tears filled her eyes. “I desperately need a friend right now.” Through her tears, she managed to smile anyway. Her face turned away shyly. Quietly, she said, “You and Evie are wonderful friends.”
Cydnie smiled back. “Thank you, sweetie.” Then Cydnie’s expression turned serious. “Okay. I need to get down to business. You’ll be working for Michael at his security agency. It’s at the corner of 4th and D Streets, Southeast. It’s an old white row house in a predominantly residential neighborhood. An old church, which has changed names and leaders, is next door, just across 4th Street. We figure since you have observed humanity so long, you would be a good private investigator. You can come in tomorrow, and we’ll let you have an orientation.” Cydnie walked over to the couch and sat down. She motioned to Poisonous. “Come on, honey. Sit down and make yourself comfortable.”
She did as Cydnie told her and sat down on the couch near her.
“We’ll go over some administrative details, get you to sign all the tax forms, and then you can go home, enjoy your weekend. You’ll start full time on Monday.
Friday October 3rd
Friday was a better day for Poisonous. She took a walk towards some of the touristy parts of DC, taking in the beauty of Lord Yehovah’s creation. The smells of the busy city: hot dogs boiling, barbecue smoke from oil drum grills and the perfume of the various types of greenery floated on the crisp Autumn breeze. Cooler weather settled upon D.C., but the warm sun encouraged people to be outside, enjoying a day without sweltering humidity. Memorabilia stands, birds flying by...even all sorts of kites flying in Mount Vernon Square painted a busy summer panorama; a truly lovely urban portrait. What Cydnie had been talking about had become a reality. Talking to... well... arguing with Lord Yehovah astounded her, but He did seem willing to listen. This surprised her at first, but she gradually accepted the idea that maybe He didn’t have it out for her after all. She had a lot to ask Evie that night.
She sat across from Evie on the couch. The questions came out of her fast. Nonstop. All the new feelings and emotions shot forth like a dam that had just burst.
“My goodness, my new human apprentice sure has a lot of questions!” Evie laughed.
All that she had been going through and felt better about came out in an excited verbal barrage as her fears and apprehensions slowly melted away.
“Say, Poisonous,” said Evie, “Why don’t you join Carlo, me, and my family for a Picnic? At least it will get you out of the house, so you won’t have to be stuck with your thoughts all day long.”
“Actually, that would be wonderful.” She smiled happily and without hesitation. “I agree that I need to think about something other than my troubles.”
“Well, let’s go to bed. It’s getting late, and we need to get up early the tomorrow to make last minute preparations for the picnic.”
“I’m looking forward to it.
She expected VD that night. She tapped her feet impatiently, smiling a big, goofy smile. VD arrived, and she practically attacked her. “Hi, Ronnie. How has your day been? Mine was the first happy day I’ve had since I’ve been in a human body.”
“You called me ‘Ronnie.’ I like that nickname. I’m glad to see you in a happy mood.” She paused. “I know that such a thi
ng exists, Poisonous, but it’s foreign to me. What’s ‘happiness’ like?”
Poisonous thought about that for a few moments. “It’s like all the trouble in your heart has gone away.” Her gray-green eyes brightened. “You’ll never believe what I did the other night.”
“What? Tell me!” Now, even VD smiled. “Nothing you tell me any more surprises me, even though your thoughts still seem strange to me.”
“I talked with Lord Yehovah.”
“No!”
“Yes! Would you believe, He listened to me, and didn’t say something like, ‘Depart from me, evil doer.’ He didn’t strike me down, or make me quake in fear. In fact, I think He cares about me. I can hardly believe it.” Looking up, the sadness in VD’s eyes showed, which caught her off guard. “Are you all right, Ronnie?”
“I’m envious of you, Poisonous. I’m beginning to think that maybe Lord Yehovah isn’t so bad after all. You know what my demonic colleagues think of that. In fact, I’m pretty sure that Lord Lucifer is going to want to talk with me soon.”
“You know what? I am going to pray for you. Now, don’t be scared. I sense that Lord Yehovah and the Spirit of Light will watch out for you.”
“Are you sure this is a good thing to do?” VD fidgeted uncomfortably.
“Don’t you worry: Lord Yehovah is actually very nice, Besides, I want to. You won’t take this away from me, will you? Please?”
Poisonous: A Visit To Earth (DC Angels Book 2) Page 25