My Gift To You

by Tracie Delaney

“Sure she can. My daughter can be anything she wants.”

  They began a playful argument about what their baby may or may not be when Livvy’s cell rang. As she picked it up, all the blood drained from her face and her stomach tied itself in knots.

  “It’s the doctor’s office,” she said.

  Gabe removed the phone from her hand. “Here, let me.”

  After a few yeses and a couple of nods, Gabe announced, “We’re on our way.”

  With nausea churning in her abdomen, Livvy met his gaze. “My test results are back?”

  “Yes.”

  Livvy swallowed. “Did she give any indication of whether they were bad or good?”

  Gabe shook his head and rose from the couch. He leaned forward, captured her hand in his, and helped her to her feet. “Do you want something to eat before we go?”

  Livvy shook her head. The idea of food made her already churning stomach rebel. “But you should get something.”

  “I’ll be fine.”

  They drove to the hospital in silence, each of them lost in their own thoughts. Scared out of her wits, Livvy spent the time running pointless scenarios. Her mind wouldn’t stop racing.

  Gabe stopped the car outside the front entrance and instructed her to wait while he parked. Livvy leaned against the wall, her legs barely holding her up. Their future hung on what the doctor said. A week ago, their happiness seemed assured. Now it could be in jeopardy.

  Gabe only took a couple of minutes to park. As they entered Dr. Wilson’s office, Livvy’s knees buckled. Gabe’s arm shot around her waist, and he helped her into a seat before whispering in a low voice to the receptionist, who tapped on a computer then indicated for him to take a seat alongside Livvy.

  They weren’t kept waiting for long, and when the door to Dr. Wilson’s office opened, Livvy’s stomach headed south. She could barely keep her breathing under control, and Gabe’s worried expression didn’t help matters. He was always so strong, so assured, yet the pinched lips and furrowed brow gave the game away—he was as scared as she was.

  The doctor made sure they were settled before she opened a file in front of her. She glanced down then peered at them both over her glasses. “Thank you for coming in at such short notice.”

  Believe me, if I had a choice, I wouldn’t be here.

  “No problem,” Livvy murmured. “Do you have my results?”

  “I do. We carried out a variety of tests to see why you were suffering from such fatigue, and as you know, you also had an aspiration of fluid from the lump in your breast.” She paused and glanced from her notes to them again. Livvy held her breath, but before the doctor spoke, she knew.

  “I’m afraid it’s bad news, Livvy. I’m so sorry. You have breast cancer.”

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  The bottom completely fell out of Livvy’s world. Her breath rasped, and her mind shut down. I have cancer. She was only thirty, for Christ’s sake. She’d suffered immeasurably, yet whoever was up there—if anyone was up there—clearly didn’t think that she’d suffered enough.

  She felt Gabe touch her shoulder, but she couldn’t respond to him or to the doctor, whose voice sounded as if it were coming from very far away.

  Numbness swept through her, and as her fingers tingled, she began to shake her hands as if she were trying to remove mittens on a cold winter’s day. Then her whole body began to tremble.

  Gabe knelt in front of her and took her hands in his. Her hands were freezing, whereas his were warm, vital, and alive. She was dead. Or she would be soon.

  “Livvy, look at me. Please, honey, look at me.”

  He never called her honey. Why had he changed his term of endearment for her? Was she already fading from his mind? Honey seemed so impersonal. She tried to focus, but Gabe’s face was blurry, as if she needed glasses to see it properly close up. He squeezed her hands, which lay limp in her lap. It was as though he thought he could pass his life force to her. Except he couldn’t. He was wasting his time.

  “Livvy, we’re going to get through this—together. You and me. You’re strong, Liv. The strongest person I’ve ever met. We can beat this. Please, baby, come back to me.”

  And there was another endearment, another new term he’d never used before. Why was he changing? Why was he talking to her differently? Was this how it would be from now on? Him slowly becoming a stranger while her body gradually turned to dust?

  Livvy tried to speak. She could hear the worry in Gabe’s voice, and she wanted to take it away. Her vision cleared, but as she saw the pain etched in his face, she wished it hadn’t. She couldn’t deal with his agony as well as her own.

  In slow motion, she watched him turn to Dr. Wilson in panic.

  “This is a normal reaction, Gabe. Let’s give her a moment, shall we? Please take a seat.”

  Livvy took a shuddering breath as Gabe moved off the floor to sit beside her once more. Her hands were still covered by his much larger ones. The three of them sat in silence while Livvy tried to rewire her brain, to face her new reality. She couldn’t lose it, not now. She needed to face this head on if she were to have a chance of beating it. And to beat it, she needed information.

  She forced her eyes to look at the doctor, relieved when she didn’t see pity, only determination on Dr. Wilson’s face.

  “Okay, give it to me straight. What are my options?”

  A flash of surprise crossed the doctor’s face at Livvy’s about-face from “freak-out” to “strong, confident woman.”

  “You’ll need to be referred to an oncologist. I hope you don’t mind, but I took the liberty of contacting one of the best, Dr. Anderson. She’s waiting outside. She’ll be able to explain your options much better than I can. Are you okay if I bring her in?”

  Livvy nodded.

  Dr. Wilson rose from her chair and disappeared. Livvy wrung her hands and stared at the floor.

  “Liv?”

  She shook her head. She couldn’t look at him. “Don’t. Let’s just see what the doctor says.”

  Dr. Wilson returned with Dr. Anderson in tow. The oncologist had the look of a determined and experienced woman. Livvy took an instant liking to her and immediately felt safe in her hands.

  Dr. Anderson took a seat to the side of Dr. Wilson’s desk.

  “Mrs. Mitchell, I believe Dr. Wilson has already given you your test results. I’m sorry the news isn’t better, but if I can give you any reassurance, it’s that you’re young, strong, and otherwise healthy. I’d like to get started on your treatment as soon as possible, preferably tomorrow.”

  “So soon?” Gabe couldn’t hide his shock.

  “Yes. The sooner the treatment begins, the greater the chance of making a full recovery. Every day we wait gives the cancer an extra day to spread.”

  “But the chances of recovery are good?” Hope filled his voice.

  “We’ll need to do more tests,” Dr. Anderson said noncommittally.

  Livvy straightened her spine. “Okay, so let’s get started. Will I need to bring an overnight bag with me tomorrow?” Her tone was all business. She wanted this invader out of her body.

  The doctor shook her head. “I’m afraid there’s a complication.”

  Livvy’s pulse jolted. As if having breast cancer wasn’t enough of a complication. “Which is?”

  “Your pregnancy. I’m afraid that changes things considerably.”

  Livvy frowned. “I don’t understand. Changes things how?”

  Dr. Wilson shifted uncomfortably in her chair and fiddled with a clip that was holding her hair off her face.

  “Because you are pregnant, a lot of treatments are not available to me,” Dr. Anderson said. “I can surgically remove the tumor or perform a lumpectomy if that’s the better option when I see what I’m dealing with, but looking at the size of the tumor, you’ll definitely need chemotherapy. I’m afraid your baby wouldn’t survive the treatment. Therefore, in cases such as yours, we normally recommend…” A sympathetic tilt of the head sent shock waves throu
gh Livvy as she guessed the next sentence before it was out of the doctor’s mouth. “Termination of the pregnancy as the best course of action.”

  Livvy leaped to her feet, and the chair made a horrible scraping sound as she shoved it backward. It rocked on its legs before settling back in place.

  “No!” she screamed, her hands gripping and pulling at her hair. She couldn’t breathe. A pain seared through her stomach then moved upward, like a tight fist closing around her heart. Any minute, she was sure it would explode because it couldn’t continue to beat so hard, so fast, and so painfully without something terrible happening. Except something terrible was happening. She would not allow them to take her baby.

  Gabe launched out of his chair, his arms coming around her, but she didn’t want him. She didn’t want to be there. She shoved him in the chest, hard. “Get off me,” she hissed.

  He stared at her, his face creased with worry. “Liv, please sit down. We need to talk this through.”

  Livvy sucked in a quick breath and stiffened her spine as she read his words in the way he spoke and held his body. Hurt rolled through her. He was actually considering what the doctor had said as a viable option. This man, who she trusted, who she loved, who she’d married was on the doctor’s side. She was alone in this. Well, she’d been alone before, and she’d survived. Whatever happened, she would not kill her own child, even if it meant killing herself.

  She poked her finger at the doctor then at Gabe. “All of you, listen to me. I am not terminating my pregnancy. That is not an option.”

  Dr. Anderson half rose from her chair. “I understand this is a huge shock, and there is a lot for you and your husband to discuss and take in. Why don’t we meet again tomorrow?”

  “There’s no need,” Livvy said coldly. “Find another way.” And with that as her parting shot, she strode from the office. She slammed the door behind her, nearly taking it off its hinges. As she spilled onto the steps in front of the hospital, Gabe caught up with her.

  He took a firm hold on her arm. “Livvy, stop. Please, come back inside. We need to talk to the doctor. This is important. This is about your life.”

  Livvy wrenched her shoulder away from him. She hated him. In this moment, she despised him for siding with the doctor, for even considering ending their baby’s life before it had begun. She watched him recoil as she glared at him with pure venom.

  “You talk to her if you’re so fucking keen. I’m done talking.” She jabbed her finger in his chest. “You listen to me. There is no way that I am terminating this pregnancy. This is my baby, my body, and I will decide. Not you, not her, not anyone. Do I make myself perfectly clear?”

  She whirled around and blindly set off running—to where, she didn’t know, but she couldn’t stay there. As she heard Gabe’s footsteps behind her, she twisted around and held her hand out, palm facing him. “Don’t follow me!”

  Her voice cut through the air, causing several people milling about the hospital entrance to take an interest in the commotion.

  “I don’t want you anywhere near me right now.”

  She turned around before the stunned hurt on his face made her reconsider what a bitch she was being. But she couldn’t think about him. She could only think about her and her precious child. Whatever happened, this baby was going to live. This one would have a chance at life even if the decision ended hers.

  As luck would have it, a cab pulled up, and as a couple climbed out, Livvy threw herself inside and locked the door. “Drive, please,” she begged the cabbie, who gave her a sharp nod and hit the gas. She glanced over her shoulder. Gabe had his hands in the air, a look of complete devastation on his face. As he disappeared from view, Livvy began to cry.

  “Are you okay?” the cabbie asked. His kindness increased her tears, especially when he passed her a box of tissues over his shoulder.

  After she’d pulled herself together, she apologized to him—which he simply shrugged off—and gave him her address. God, she wished she’d kept hold of her apartment. She had no choice but to go back to their place, and she knew Gabe would be on his way.

  As soon as the driver stopped outside her house, she thrust some money at him and ran inside, heading straight upstairs to the bathroom. She desperately needed some personal space to absorb everything that had happened. She locked the bathroom door, knowing Gabe would be about five minutes behind her, tops. And when he arrived, she had no clue what he would do.

  She shivered and touched her palm to her forehead. Every part of her was cold, and as a tremor ran down her spine, Livvy flicked on the shower. Maybe the hot water would warm her from the outside, even though her insides were frozen.

  When steam rose over the glass partition, Livvy removed her clothes and slipped inside, but the enormity of the double blow—she had cancer, and both her doctor and her husband thought aborting her baby was the only choice—meant she couldn’t hold her own weight any longer. She slid down the wall until her bottom hit the base of the shower, and closing her eyes, she began to sob, her tears washed away by the flowing water.

  Why her? Wasn’t it someone else’s turn to suffer? Perhaps she’d been a terrible person in a previous life and now karma had decided it was payback time. And boy was she paying.

  As her tears continued to stream down her cheeks, a loud banging started on the bathroom door. Only one person could be outside.

  “Livvy, are you in there? Please, open the door.”

  Livvy clamped her hands over her ears, and her sobs grew louder.

  “Livvy! For fuck’s sake, open this goddamn door.”

  She didn’t react. The next thing she heard was Gabe clearly shoving his shoulder into the bathroom door. There was a loud crack before the door burst open.

  Gabe took one look at her sitting on the floor of the shower in floods of tears, and his face crumpled. “Oh, darlin’,” he whispered.

  He slid the shower door open, stepped inside, fully dressed, and sat down on the floor. His arm came around her shoulders, and he pressed his left hand to her forehead, easing her head to rest against him.

  They sat there in complete silence, her naked, him fully clothed, until her wracking sobs were replaced with a gentle, quieter crying. Gabe cautiously knelt in front of her. He curved his arms around her back and under her knees then gently lifted her, cradling her close to his body. He carried her out of the shower and into the bedroom, grabbing a warm bath towel from the rack as he passed.

  With great care, he placed her on the bed and dried every bead of water from her skin even as his own soaking clothes clung to his body. Livvy sat there, legs dangling, as Gabe wrapped her in a fluffy warm robe. He left her then but was back in seconds holding the hairdryer. He proceeded to dry her hair, slowly and carefully.

  Livvy couldn’t respond, couldn’t form the words to tell him how much his quiet ministrations meant to her on the inside.

  When Gabe was satisfied she was warm and dry, he quickly changed and sat beside her, expelling a deep sigh. “Liv, please talk to me. Tell me what you’re thinking. You’re scaring the shit out of me.”

  She forced her head up, and when she caught sight of his expression, full of concern for her, she began to cry again. “I don’t want to die.” Her voice was quiet, soft, and scarcely audible.

  His face got tight. “Darlin’, you’re not going to die. I’m here for you. I will always be here for you.”

  She caught hold of herself, because if she didn’t, she might lose who she was for good. “I can’t terminate the baby, Gabe. I feel him inside me. He’s real. He moves. He kicks. He sleeps. For God’s sake, we’ve seen him on the scan, and he sucks his thumb. I won’t have to hang on long. With modern medicine, they’ll be able to get him out early—but not this early. I can hang on. I can do it. I know I can. I’m strong, right? You’ve said it yourself, how strong I am. Please… I’ve lost three babies. I can’t lose another. Even if by giving life to this baby, I risk my own, it will be worth it.”

  As her words came out
in a manic jumble, his face crumpled.

  “I get it, Liv. I understand where you’re coming from, but please, look at this from my point of view. I can’t lose you. We can have more babies. We can have as many rounds of IVF as you need. But we can’t do that if you’re not here. You know how much I love our baby already. The thought of losing him or her is abhorrent to me. But the thought of losing you is so much worse.”

  Tears pricked her eyes as Gabe poured out his feelings. Her lip trembled, and she bit down on it. “I can’t,” she whispered.

  His shoulders dropped, and he let out a long sigh. He took her hands in his and squeezed. “At least have the surgery. Please. For me.”

  She leaned forward and softly kissed him. “Let’s talk to the doctor about options. But the abortion is off the table.”

  He pulled her into his arms. “Thank you, darlin’.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Gabe stroked Livvy’s hair until she fell into a fitful sleep. Her eyebrows were crushed together, and her lips were pressed tightly together in a grimace. He stiffly got to his feet and walked downstairs, his steps calm and measured, but inside of him, a storm was brewing. The swirling in his stomach and the pain in his chest wouldn’t go away, and if he didn’t get the anger out, it would eat him up from the inside.

  Gabe’s hand formed a fist, and he hit the wall. Pain shot up his arm, but he didn’t care. He sucked on his scraped knuckles as he carried on walking down into the basement. He pushed open the door to his gym, stripped off his clothes, pulled on a pair of gym shorts, and stuffed his feet into his tennis shoes.

  He started on the punching bag, pounding into it until his knuckles weren’t only scraped but bloodied. He welcomed the physical pain, a far more preferable feeling than the emotional turmoil tearing him up.

  Half an hour later, with sweat dripping from his face and dampening his chest, Gabe sank to the floor, heartbroken. He hugged his knees to his chest and cried.

  After his private breakdown, he showered, changed, and jogged back upstairs. He dabbed some salve on the torn skin on his hands and flexed his fingers. Unsurprisingly, they were stiff and sore. No doubt Livvy would ask what had happened and worry about him when she needed every ounce of concern for herself. But if he hadn’t gotten that out, he would have exploded, and him losing his shit was no use to anyone. He had to be strong and let Liv be the one to fall apart.