Kiss and Cry

by Ramona Lipson

  He drove me home, on Christmas Day.

  Keeping it Together

  It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but somehow I managed to wall myself off from my personal life and focus on the task at hand, skating. Ryan had been attributing my silence and distance from him to nerves and I never corrected him because that’s what saved me.

  Our practices were a mess, but we managed to skate clean programs making it all the way to the Olympics. Everyone was buzzing about us. We were the new Canadian sweethearts that were expected to take gold this year. Dad and mom were glowing with pride when I got home from the final competition, they insisted on taking us out for a celebratory dinner. We chose to go four days before we were to compete in the Olympics. Unbeknownst to me Ryan was invited.

  We waited for Ryan to come over to our house so we could all take one car. Ryan parked his Mercedes in our driveway and we piled into dad’s shitbox Honda. Normally I would have felt embarrassed but if it didn’t bother my father, then why should it bother me. I felt absolutely no need to impress Ryan after Jeremy and I spoke. I was going to have it out with him after we finished competing. I didn’t want to sacrifice all that we worked for over Ryan’s indiscretions.

  Ryan was dressed dead sexy in a suit and tie. I found myself breathlessly attracted to him. Ryan got into our car and dad looked in his rearview mirror suggesting, “I’d like to try a new restaurant called Compagnolo. It used to be a coffee shop I always stopped at before going to work and now it’s an Italian restaurant receiving rave reviews.”

  “Sounds good to me, thanks for inviting me Mr. Middleton,” Ryan said appreciatively.

  Dad looked in the rearview at him, “Glad to have you with us! Call me Alex, son!” dad suggested proudly. In Ryan’s and my book there was no higher compliment than what dad had just showered on him. Too bad he wasn’t deserving of it. “Sweetheart, you’re okay with that too?”

  “Sure,” mom said.

  “Is it okay with you Honey?”

  “Sounds great dad.”

  It was just after six when we walked into the quaint restaurant that was full with the exception of two empty tables.

  The hostess approached us asking, “How many?”

  Dad looked at us, “Table for four please.”

  She grabbed the menus and started leading us, “This way please.” She chose our table and then laid our menus out before we took our seats. “A waitress will be with you shortly,” she said as she walked away us.

  Dad took a sip of his water, and then loosened his tie, “I’m not feeling well,” he complained. His forehead began beading up and his eyes rolled back. He started leaning in his chair like he was going to fall when Ryan caught him and lowered him to the ground. Mom gave this haunting scream that could probably be heard outside of the restaurant and then a person from another table called out, “Someone call 911!”

  People at every table were reaching for their phones. Ryan got off his chair and kneeled down next to dad. He shook dad and then rubbed in the middle of the chest and asked, “Alex can you hear me?” He didn’t answer and then Ryan felt for a pulse on his neck. I was fastened to my chair in sheer terror. I had a front row seat to my biggest nightmare. When Ryan couldn’t feel a pulse he began chest compressions.

  Ryan yelled, “Mr. Middleton! Alex!” just before the ambulance attendants came bursting through the door, his face was red and he was crying now. I never saw Ryan cry until tonight. My world was crumbling as my pillar of strength was lying before me motionless.

  The ambulance attendants addressed my mom, “Mrs, can you tell us what happened?” Ryan continued the c.p.r. while the attendants were preparing their equipment and waiting for moms story.

  “We sat down to have dinner, and he complained he wasn’t feeling well. He loosened his tie and took a sip of water. His eyes rolled back and then he collapsed right here. Ryan started CPR.”

  There was no time to be concerned about daddy’s dignity, they tore his shirt from his chest, placing two large pads on him. The first attendant said everyone stand back, and a shock was administered. My dads lifeless body lifted in response but there was still no heart beat. The second attendant continued c.p.r. and they checked for his pulse again, when they didn’t find it, they gave dad a second shock. They stopped after the third. They looked at mom when they finished and said, “We’re so sorry.”

  “That’s it?” I screamed. “You’re stopping?” I turned to Ryan desperately, “Ryan do something! They’re not doing anything to save him! You have to save him. Please!” I kneeled down next to daddy grabbing his collar, “Don’t leave me, you promised you’d never leave me. You’re my rock! You have to watch me compete, the Olympics is just a few days away, it’s our dream!” I turned to mom, “I need him so much! There’s so much he has to see! Who will give me away if I ever get married? My kids won’t have a grandfather,” then I collapsed as the glue that held my heart together disintegrated. My heart was broken.

  Mom and Ryan were shocked into a profound silence both appearing pale as ghosts. I couldn’t imagine my own appearance and I didn’t care. I laid my head on daddy’s warm chest, wishing it to rise and fall. For all of this to be wrong, an awful mistake, or a dream. I pinched myself but nothing changed.

  The restaurant was evacuated which was fitting under the circumstances.

  Ryan called his mother out of a meeting, but when he tried to talk to her words wouldn’t come. He was crying too hard, so the ambulance attendant took his phone and finished his conversation for him. He told her what happened and gave her directions to the restaurant.

  The ambulance attendant asked my mom to see dad’s health card and they copied daddy’s information. They reassured her that she didn’t have to come to the hospital unless she wanted pills for herself. They told her where they were taking him, and advised her to give a funeral home of her choice a call in the morning. The owner of the restaurant waited with us until Ryan’s mom came.

  Sara arrived at the restaurant and she immediately filled with tears when she saw me draped over dad’s chest on the floor, “Come on, you guys can stay with us. We’ll get your car later Ryan.” Sara put her arm around mom and guided her out of the restaurant. Ryan physically had to remove me from dad carrying me as I wept hysterically.

  When we got to Ryan’s house, Sara opened the door and asked, “Can I get anyone anything?” Everyone shook their heads and then she offered for my mother to sleep with her. Mom agreed to it and they left me alone with Ryan.

  Ryan carried me to his bedroom. I sat down on the edge of his queen bed with a slow and steady stream of tears running down my face that hadn’t let up since the restaurant.

  He removed all of my clothing with the exception of my underwear and he dug through his dresser finding a normal T-shirt that he helped me get into. He laid me under his covers and began to walk away when I managed to say, “Don’t go,” in a weak and shaky voice.

  He removed his clothes with the exception of his underwear and got into bed with me. He held me against his chest, the same way I laid with dad. He whispered, “I’m so sorry.”

  His eyes were red and tears were running down his cheeks, the way mine were. He lifted my chin and kissed me slowly and deliberately. His fingers slid into my panties kneading me, preparing me for HIM. He mounted me as I cried into his chest, heart felt compassion pouring freely from him.

  The Funeral

  The sun peaked through Ryan’s sheer, waking me up. For a fraction of a second, yesterday never happened. When that fraction was over, the harsh reality would set in and the loss would feel fresh all over again. All my mornings started off the same way.

  Mom called the funeral home the day after dad died. Ryan and his mother made the rest of the arrangements for us.

  The funeral was scheduled to happen in the early afternoon and then Ryan and I would go immediately to Pearson International to catch our flight headed for the Olympics.

  I marched into mom and dad’s bedroom where I felt
dad all around me and found mom lying in the dark, weeping into her pillow. I made my mind up and I was determined to forfeit the competition and stay home with her.

  I sat next to her on the bed and said, “Mom, I can’t go through with it. I need to be here with you.”

  With her head still buried in her pillow she said,“Your father wanted you to make it to the Olympics more than anything in the world, you HAVE to go, for your father.” I knew she was right, but everything hurt so much.

  “Are you coming with us mom, please?”

  “I can’t, forgive me Honey.”

  “There’s nothing to forgive mom. We have to get ready to say bye to him now.”

  “I don’t want to say good-bye,” she shook.

  “Be strong mom, you can do this, for him,” I encouraged. She rolled off her bed and trudged to their bathroom which still had his cologne, aftershave and razors scattered over the countertop from when he was getting ready to go out to dinner. Mom didn’t move any of his mess. She hated it when he wouldn’t put his things away in the drawers. They used to bicker about it. I missed the bickering.

  I threw a suitcase together and hung my dresses in the hanger bags before getting into the shower and dressing in all black. Dad loved me in black so I was going to wear my black rhinestone dress for him for both programs. I knew he would be happy to see it on me. He had to see it on me, wouldn’t he?

  Ryan and Sara said they would meet us at the Simple Alternative funeral home. They were very accommodating to us under such duress. A chauffeured limousine picked us up, there was a bouquet of roses wishing condolences laid in the limousine from Jeremy and Adam.

  When we got their, we closed the doors. Daddy always told me to never say what happens behind closed doors, but in this case, it was worth the exception. My mother and I couldn’t bring ourselves to talk, it was just too hard. Sara started it for us by telling everyone how cordial and supportive he was. Ryan spoke about how he called him son and the look of pride in my dad’s eyes when he saw the lift for the first time. Ryan looked at the open coffin and told dad, that our performance this weekend would be for him. Tara and Sierra said words about how he was like a father to them. I’m glad my father never found out what a disappointment they were. He deserved better than them.

  The limousine took us to the gravesite. Ryan, Jeremy, Adam, and three of dad’s friends from work volunteered to be pallbearers. Media were standing at the gates respecting their distance, but just their presence and maggot like behaviour bothered me.

  I had to believe that he was somewhere else rather than in a dark hole all by himself. His spirit had to be in heaven or wherever it goes, somewhere warm and bright, where love flew freely in the air, not here, just not here.

  Words were said and then we began to go our separate ways. Ryan took my hand and led me to his Mercedes. That’s when the paparazzi tried to shove their microphones and camera’s into our faces. Ryan fought them off like Sir. Galahad and drove us to the airport, ensuring my luggage was transferred from the limousine to his Mercedes.

  We boarded our plane and the flight attendants and captain went through their usual spiel. When the plane finished its takeoff I decided it was time for him to know I know, “I know,” I told him before looking away.

  Two words packed such a powerful punch, nothing more had to be said. It was the last time I looked at him. I had no will to cast my eyes in his direction, I either looked out the window or closed them.

  Ryan got our baggage while I hid from reporters. He came to get me when the car was ready to take us to the hotel. When we got to the hotel we checked in, only ever leaving if we had to go on the ice. I didn’t have an appetite but I knew I had to eat for energy, so Ryan would order in healthy food that I would pick at.

  It was time for us to compete so I dressed in my black rhinestone dress for Daddy and we went to the arena. Coach Hicks was supportive but even he was at a loss, “Do your best,” he said in a broken voice hugging me with tears in his eyes. Seeing HIM with tears in his eyes was hard, really hard.

  We skated a clean short program so our work was half done. The crowd had to be aware because even though a performance was clean it wasn’t perfect and they gave us a standing ovation.

  Ryan brought me back to our room where I picked at more food before taking a shower and going to sleep. He didn’t wake me until it was time to leave again, this time it was for our final performance.

  We stood on the ice facing each other before our program started. He mouthed, ‘This is for your dad,’. I nodded back to him.

  The music began and we were in the zone, every move we made was better than anything we ever done in practice. Our moves were concise showing beauty, strength, and agility, everything my father stood for.

  We completed four and a half minutes flawlessly skating our personal best. The music stopped and everyone jumped to their feet including the judges. I crumbled to the ground in an anguish only my father would have understood because he wasn’t here to see us. Ryan picked me up off the ice and carried me to the Kiss and Cry where Coach Hicks was waiting for us in tears.

  We won.

  Cameraman and photographers were taking pictures of us from all angles while reporters from every country lined up to talk to the Canadian couple that suffered an unspeakable tragedy before heroically winning an Olympic gold medal.

  To be continued..