Voidfarer

by Sean McMullen

  "Did he dance with that upper-class member of the conspiracy to impose oligarchical oppression—mmmpf !r

  "Yes, that one," I said, clamping my hand ovef her mouth, then releasing her again.

  "And spend the night with her in Room Ten, where they—mmrff."

  "Yes, yes, yes, that one! It has come to my attention that he robbed and dishonored Revolutionary Sister Lavenci—oh damn you Riellen, now I'm saying it! He robbed and dishonored Her Ladyship, Kavelen Lavenci Si-Chella. Find him, arrest him, and bring him to me. Start with the market." I released Riellen's mouth again.

  "But sir, honor is merely an upper-class and upper-middle-class code, while robbery is a provincial rather than an imperial offense, and thus not within our charter unless we chance upon the actual act. The town militia—mmmmrng."

  "Riellen, every time you stand on a barrel and give one of your speeches, you preach enough incitement to affray to get yourself hanged, so don't argue fine points of law with me. Besides, any offense against nobility is classed as an imperial, not a provincial offense. What Pelmore did is within our charter."

  "But sir, only if the local authorities are not capable of—mmrff."

  "Riellen, I've just had a very, very bad morning and I want to take it out on someone who is not armed with a weapon that can melt stone at a range of one mile! Pelmore will do splendidly. Find him, arrest him, bring him here!"

  "Sir, why did you not say it was for recreational gratification?" she suddenly asked brightly, and with a smart salute. "I'll be back." Having sent my eighty-seven-pound weapon on her way, I went over to the landlord and discussed several matters with him to clarify Lavenci's current circumstances, then half emptied my purse into his hand. Finally I walked across to where she was working and dropped to one knee before her, still encrusted with mud and smelling like a troll's privy.

  "Inspector Danol Scryverin, Wayfarer Constables, Western Quadrant, at your service, ladyship!" I said briskly.

  Lavenci glared at me, automatically assuming that I was mocking her, but with no fight left in her to retaliate.

  "Have you not heard?" she muttered, balling up the wet towel cloth in her hands.

  "Yes," I replied simply, hoping that a single word had little scope for misinterpretation. For once, I had sa^d the right thing. Her features softened a fraction. j

  "He took my shoulder crests, my purse, my knife, my medicines, my seal, my writing kit, border papers, clothes, everything! I had to leave my room wrapped in a sheet, I had to borrow this serving maid's dress, and now I have to work out the week washing tankards and mugs as a serving) maid to pay for the cost of my room, then more to buy passages on a barge back to Alberin." "I have—"

  '^And worst of all, I cannot afford the cost of a bath and, and—oh, would that I had a florin for the number of times I have heard 'Nine Times Astride Her'

  sung today. Some damn drinker composed it this morning."

  "From what I heard through the wall, Pelmore was very, er, enduring."

  "Inspector, a thick book is enduring, but if you ire forced to lie in bed and read it from cover to cover after a Very bad day, it becomes an intolerable bore. He gave no caresstes, he did no little endearments, all he gave was rough, slobbery kisses and—Inspector, you men have no idea what a chjore a surfeit of endurance can be."

  "I shall take your word for it, ladyship. Famine has been stalking my love life for some time past."

  "But he never saw me naked, that is one tatter of self-respect I can cling to. I have never let anyone see til of my unblemished skin."

  "Ladyship, we have business to conduct."

  "Of course, what can I do for you, Inspector? A pint of ale? A mince pie? If you tip me a copper I'll not scream if you pinch my bottom."

  "I'm on duty, ladyship, but my thanks anyway. Steps are being taken to recover your property, and I have paid your debt to the landlord. You are free to go."

  "Inspector!" she gasped, too shocked to even smile. "You did all that?"

  "Best to leave Gatrov today, however. Reputation, and all that." I

  "Inspector Danolarian, you despise me, yet) you do this foif me?"

  "I do not despise you, ladyship. A cat cannot help acting like a cat, and cats can sometimes be cruel to mice. Squeak squeak, and all that. If it is your pleasure to slap my hand away from your breast, then take Pelmore to your bed—"

  My reflexes are very fast, but even I did not anticipate the slap that lashed across my cheek. Immediately she had hit me, Lavenci convulsed, clutched at her head as if it were about to explode, then seemed to regain control of herself. Amid the ripples of laughter from the nearby drinkers, she straightened and looked me in the face.

  "Never, never forget that I offered you my body on a silver platter last night, Inspector, and that you spurned that offer," she shouted for all to hear. "I pressed your hand against my breast, and I twice invited you to spend the night sharing my bed. Pelmore was a lump of rancid meat who ran a very poor second to yourself in my esteem."

  "My humble apologies, ladyship," I said, genuinely mortified as I rubbed my cheek. "I forgot the evidence. Not something that an inspector should do, forgetting evidence."

  Lavenci now slumped to a bench, picked up an empty wine jar, wiped the table, then put the jar down again. Awareness of my own role in all this, along with the guilt associated therewith, was rapidly shredding my nerves. I sought to change the subject, being the coward that I am.

  "I have assigned Constable Riellen to track down and apprehend Pelmore."

  "Riellen, your skinny little constable? Against PelmoreT

  "Oh yes, and may the gods of Miral have mercy upon his soul when she catches him."

  "Riellen's a girl?" exclaimed Lavenci.

  "Yes, the Wayfarers are actively recruiting women as constables. The empress was responsible for that initiative."

  The drinkers were still casting sidelong glances at us, and there was a hush of anticipation laced with giggles. I did not mind. I had plans for everyone in the taproom. I had to keep Lavenci in that hateful place for a little longer, however, so I kept talking.

  "Ladyship, would you take a little advice?" I asked in what I hoped was a gentle tone. "Advice?"

  ''Next time some boy that you genuinely estesm caresses your breast, do not slap his hand. Just take his hand away with an affectionate squeeze and a caress. He will understand."

  "That slap," she whispered, holding up her left hand and frowning at it.

  "He might become frightened and ashamed, baffled that you would be revolted by his touch while giving others your body's ultimate intimacy."

  "One little slap," said Lavenci. "So much pain rrom one little slap." Being an officer of the Wayfarer Constables, I see many people in the extremes of emotion. The light of insanity blazes up behind their eyes, and that light was bright behind Lavenci's black eyes as she turned to the table beside us and dropped her towel cloth.

  "Ladyship, fifty florins should cover your passage on a barge back to Alberin," I now babbled, frantically trying to change the subject.

  ''Naughty left hand," she giggled, turning the hand back and forth before her face. I

  "You can take my purse, I'll keep my remaining florins in my boot."

  "You slapped away my truelove, you took my clothes off for Pelmore, you even caressed Pelmore. Naughty hands must be punished, so that other hands act with more ca^re."

  Before I realized what was her intent, she placed her left hand on the table, seized the empty wine jar, and smashed it down across the back of her hand. The jar shattered. I saw blood and broken, jagged bones, but heard no cry of pain from Lavenci. The onlookers gasped and cried out; then a few sniggered. I picked up the towel cloth and tried to j bandage her hand, but she convulsed and cried out as soon as I touched her.

  hSome curse, malady," Lavenci gasped. "All morning, whenever a man even brushes against me. It's like a thunder-flash of hot needles through my head." Just then there was a commotion at the door. To the sound of cheerin
g interspersed with applause, PelmorA was pushed through the crowd to stand before us. Riellen was behind him, with her ax drawn.

  ("Watch and listen, ladyship," I said in a low, hard voice as I stood up. "I swear you will have both your good name and goods back within an hour's quarter."

  I now advanced on Pelmore.

  "Let 'im go!" called someone behind me.

  "Aye, no shame doin' what lads do!" called another.

  "Sir, I must explain that—" began Riellen.

  "No harm's done, she's only a slut," bawled a drinker with a bushy black beard, one of Pelmore's wharfer colleagues.

  "Excellent work, Constable Riellen, sometimes you truly amaze me," I declared for all to hear. "That is the fastest arrest that I have ever seen. Now guard the door and make sure nobody leaves or enters."

  "Sir!"

  I like to shun being the center of attention, but I was no longer quite myself. I had made a conscious decision to remove the leash from that part of myself that I had inherited from my father, and thus every other man in that taproom was in the most dire peril. I began to circle Pelmore, who was already looking submissive, and even frightened. For a moment I wondered what Riellen had done to him.

  "Robbery of a noble, very severe penalties," I said softly but clearly. I slammed my knee into Pelmore's groin, then smashed my elbow into his jaw as he doubled over. As he put his hands to his face I seized his right wrist in both hands; I bent my knees as I twisted his arm over my head; then, as his back rolled across mine, I straightened my legs with a rather considerable effort, and flipped him in a full circle—still holding on to his wrist. His feet struck the candle brace hanging from the rafters, and then his back smashed down across a table. The table shattered. Pelmore made a noise as if he were choking, then spat blood and a couple of teeth.

  Two drinkers, who had not been warned off by what I thought to be a pretty impressive throw, advanced on me. Immediately I spun around and brought my foot up, expecting that someone was sure to be sneaking up on me from behind. My foot cleared a hand with a knife but struck the side of a head. Changing feet in a midair hop, I continued spinning and landed a boot heel on the temple of one of my forward attackers. His companion had a knife out by now, and I brought two

  spread hands down on his wrist while twist-dodging, spun around again while holding his knife hand over my head, then twisted his arm and slammed the side of my fist onto the back of his elbow. There was a snap, followed by a shriek. Tavern fights are all about turning, so I spun yet again. A knife slashed my sleeve and forearm, but my boot caught the side of a knee and caused a gratifyingly loud snap. It was followed by a howl of anguish. At this point the landlord attempted to intervene by rushing at me with a cudgel. Although she could not have been any more than a third of his weight, Riellen stepped into his path, hook-locked his arm, tripped his leading leg while pulling him in an arc, then rolled him up over her hip, to spin in midair as he flew. He hit the wattle-and-daub wall feet-first. There was a crash that shook the tavern like an earthquake.

  I estimate that nine seconds had elapsed since I had first struck Pelmore. Absolute silence had descended upon the tavern. The landlord was embedded in the wall, with only his head, chest, and arms protruding. It was time to assert authority, inspire blind terror, and create legends. 1'Riellen, girl, how many times have I told you? Never throw people about like that during a fight. You might hit an innocent bystander." She snapped to attention. "Sorry sir, I don'l: know what came over me."

  "I appreciate your concern for my safety, but there's no real danger to be had here. These are only country folk."

  The circle of drinkers shrank back. That was good; it meant I now had control of their minds. Pelmore was still lying on the floor amid the table's wreckage.

  "Now then lads, I am sure that you are all stout, strong country folk who are bigger, healthier, and much stronger than we urban churls. You can probably outdo us n everything from dancing a double jig, to hog tossing. Bear in mind, however, that Riellen and I are professional killers), and we are very good at it."

  For a moment the tavern was entirely still and quiet; then Roval wandered out of the crowd with ajar of wine in his hand. He looked down as he passed the landlord, muttered, "Brought low by a woman," then ascended the stairs to his room.

  Nobody seemed interested in intervening on behalf of either the landlord or Pelmore. I snapped my finger for a pot of ale. A serving maid hurried over with one, curtsied fearfully, and offered it to me. She was the same girl who had flung a mug of wine in my face the night before, and she was goggle-eyed with terror. I fumbled for a copper, paid her, then took a sip.

  "Sir, 1 do apologize fer last night—" she began, her face chalk white.

  "Do you know Norellie, the healer woman?" I snapped. "The one who Constable Riellen fetched to my room last night, to treat my HEADACHE?"

  "I, er, ah, aye—sir!" she managed, her terror now mixing with mortification.

  "Go fetch her here. Several of the company are about to require her services. Constable Riellen, let her through."

  The girl curtsied, apologized again, and hurried out past Riellen. Next I kicked Pelmore in the ribs, and exceedingly hard, too.

  "Get to your knees," I ordered.

  "Mighty lordship—"

  "Shut up!" I barked. "Now I would like to point out that although I am just an inspector earning a mere fifty florins per week, plus expenses, I do know all about the manners, conventions, and protocols of the nobility. My job includes the escorting and protection of nobles sometimes, so I am expected to display gracious and seemly behavior."

  I was turning slowly as I spoke, keeping everyone staring deferentially down.

  "Nobles treat dalliance very differently to peasants, artisans, and other worker folk," I continued, making up a code of morality for Alberinese nobility as I went—although it was not far from the truth in some households.

  "As a rare sign of extreme trust and great esteem, a member of the nobility will sometimes share a dance with one they esteem. The young lady with the black eyes and milk-white hair chose to extend such an honor to this pail of pigswill at the tourney dance last night. He chose to piss on her esteem, dishonor her, rob her, and leave her in humiliating circumstances." With no warning at all I delivered a very heavy kick to Pelmore's groin, to emphasize the point and to remind them that

  I was just a tiny bit vindictive, as well as very dangerous. He doubled over on his side, his legs moving as if he were trying to run.

  "You will return everything that you stole from Ladyship. Now." With some difficulty Pelmore unclenched his body, then he fumbled with the pack's drawstrings. He drew out a purse and offered it to me.

  "I—spent, er, spent five gold ones. On these. Take them. Take them all." There was quite an expensive gown of violet and gold, two gold rings, a belt of green leather, dancing slippers, also of green leather, two combs carved from bone, and a lace tablecloth. At this point the serving maid entered with Norellie.

  "AH my own work," I said with a gesture to those on the floor. "However Lady Lavenci has suffered an accident and is in more urgent need of your attention. I shall pay for her." I turned my attention back to Pelmore.

  'Pnly three crowns, one noble, and six florins left," I observed as I emptied the purse onto the palm of my hand.

  "I'll sell all this again. I'll sell my pack, sell my knife, everything."

  "And where are Ladyship's clothes, papers, pin of office, purse, knife, writing kit, border papers, medicines, and pack?"

  "Sold, at the market, but I'll get them back. Bui: first please, please, have her lift the—"

  "Shut up!" I shouted again, then shook out his pack. "What have we here? More combs, a jar of expensive wine, and, er, ah ..." I held up some type of undergarment thai appeared to be mainly thin strips of frills and lace.

  "Doesn't seem to be your size, whatever it is."

  "It's for my truelove."

  "Ah, you have a truelove?"

  "Ye
s, great lord, the marketeer general's daughter." 1'So, you rob a great lady, then leave her in the most dire and humiliating circumstances. Next you go out o the market to buy presents for your truelove?"

  In truth he had probably sought to humiliati Lavenci so badly that she would be too ashamed to report the crime. I had presided over two cases of that happening to noplemen at the

  hands of peasant women. Although the roles were reversed here, it seemed to be much to same thing.

  "Ah, I see," I said as I circled him, then I looked up at the circle of faces.

  "You two: bald head and eyepatch. I heard you discussing Ladyship earlier, and I did not like what I heard. Empty your purses onto the floor before Constable Riellen, now! And you, and you, and you three, I remember hearing you talking while I waited to buy a drink. You four on the floor, who attacked me, I think you are obviously accomplices, so you must also forfeit your tunics, coats, and boots. Let's see now, who else?"

  I walked past the bearded wharfer, seeming not to notice him—then whirled suddenly and slammed the back of my fist into his mouth. Several of his teeth cut the back of my hand rather severely as they broke off. He fell backward to the floor, his beard flecked with red blood and yellow teeth.

  "That is but one part in a thousand of what will happen to anyone in this town, should I hear that they have spoken the word 'slut.' You are fined everything that is on your person, including your clothes." Before long five hundred and seventy-two silver florins were in a little pile at Riellen's feet. I turned back to Pelmore. I had managed to excuse Lavenci's indiscretion with him and restore a fragment of her honor, but now it was time to demolish Pelmore's honor entirely.

  "Master Pelmore, bearing in mind that my job includes killing people, and bearing in mind that I am very, very angry with you—and that I am not far from handing you over to Riellen, who will do something so pointlessly hideous to you that nobody in this room will ever again be able to walk past a butcher's stall without being violently ill—answer me one more question. Ladyship told me that she has a mole in the shape of a crescent, halfway up her left thigh. What moon-world's color does it have?"