I looked down at my flat stomach as my heartrate began to pick up speed. How could this even be possible? I hadn’t been with anyone since him. We’d… No, we hadn’t. Fuck! Did I do something in a past life to deserve this? The one time I’d let myself be free and not worry was going to kick my ass.
“OK,” I mumbled as I stood on wobbly legs. My stomach rolled again, and I spun to launch what was left in my stomach into the toilet. “I need to go to the store,” I murmured. I knew I was losing it. I was talking to myself, but who else could I talk to? Angie hadn’t been returning my calls for some time now. I’d stopped calling after a while. I wasn’t close enough to anyone at work that I could tell them about this. There was no way in hell I was telling my mom yet. I didn’t even know if there was something to tell her about.
I glanced at the clock beside my bed. Eight thirty. The corner convenience store would be open. I grabbed my jacket and slipped it over the t-shirt I was wearing as I shoved my bare feet into a pair of flip-flops. After yanking my hair into a messy ponytail, I grabbed my keys and rushed out the door. I knew I looked like something out of the “Walking Dead” with my pale clammy skin and still in my PJs, but that need to know feeling settling in my brain was killing me.
ooooooooo
After grabbing not one but six home pregnancy tests, I rushed back to my apartment. I was on a mission to prove the universe wrong as I tore up the stairs and burst inside. I flung my keys and jacket on the couch as I kicked off my shoes then ran into the bathroom. You would have thought that I was on fire the way I ripped at my clothes. I needed a shower after all the barfing, and I could still smell like last night’s meal. I reached in the shower to turn the water on so it could warm while I began opening the first box. “Two lines mean pregnant. All right, you little fuckers. We want one here.” I scowled at the stick as I completed the test. Afterward, I moved on to the next box and so on. After a few minutes I had a nice little row of white sticks each with a different way of telling me the news I didn’t want. I glanced at my watch before picking up the first one. Two pink lines. Shit. Test number two, plus sign. Crap. Test number 3, blue. What did blue mean again? I went through this ritual until I came to last one that couldn’t be denied. The word ‘pregnant’ was in dark pink letters in the little window at the end.
The steam from the now hot shower was filling the room, and I didn’t know if it was the heat or the news I’d just received causing the room to spin. I squeezed the edge of the counter to try to gain some semblance of what exactly this meant, but all I could think was I was alone and my mother was going to hate me. She’d done this. She’d had a baby and raised it by herself. She’d spent countless hours telling me how hard it was and that she wanted more for me in life. When I was a teen, she would have that talk with me every time I went on a date. Now here I was in the exact place that she didn’t want me to be. I was slowly giving up on school and pregnant. I was screwed.
As I stepped in the shower, the fear that had been filling me soon dissipated as anger took its place. Mystery guy hadn’t even asked me about protection or offered. I know it’s not solely on him, but I don’t think he thought about it at all. That night was slightly blurred in my mind. I mean, I wanted him so bad, and it was so hot I haven’t had sex since. No one has even come close to turning me on enough to want to. I looked for him for a while. I had hoped that I’d run into him in the area, maybe he’d come waltzing into Chili’s and I could say hi, but no such luck. Now I knew I needed to find him.
With renewed energy, I finished washing up and made a mental checklist of everything I had to do. I needed to go to the doctor and confirm that this was really happening, although after six positive tests, I think that might be a moot point. I needed to find a way to tell my mom about it. She was really all I had at the moment. I couldn’t see myself tracking down Angie. Sure, we were best friends, but she had her life in California and I had mine here. I wasn’t sure how yet, but I needed to find mystery guy. He needed to help me, and the more I dwelled on that thought, the angrier I became.
ooooooooo
It’s been three months since the doctor gave me the news that I was, in fact, pregnant. She told me that the baby was healthy, but that I should cut back on my work schedule and really tell my mother so I could get a support system in place. What I really wanted to do was find mystery guy and tell him he was gonna be a daddy. I mean, he should share in some of my misery too, right? I’m at the point that I’m showing, and in another week, I’ll know exactly what I’m having. I used to think about this baby being a little girl, but now I’m kinda hoping for a boy. Boys are easier from what I’ve heard, and I don’t think I could take another ‘me’ in the world. One Ally is enough; if this baby has any of my personality in it, I’m in trouble. Of course, I have no idea what kinda personality mystery guy has either.
I’ve spent the last three days at Hype, the bar where I met mystery guy. I’ve been hoping that he’d come back, or maybe even one of his friends. No such luck though, and I’ve even talked to the bartenders each night. No one remembers us from that night, and I can’t say that I blame them. It was packed then, and it’s packed now. I looked for him not long after I found out about the baby, but I’ve become more frantic lately. I mean, I can’t have this baby not have a daddy. What am I going to tell it when it asks me? What will I say when it comes home from school one day and looks at me with its big sad eyes and tells me that all its friends have daddies, and it wants to know why it doesn’t?
After sitting at a table near the front of the bar for most of the afternoon, I decided to head home, and by home I mean my mom’s house. I moved back last week when I finally broke down and told her the news. I still can’t believe how well she took it. She looked shocked at first, but then when I started to cry, she wrapped me in her arms and told me that it would be ok. We’d be fine, and she’d help me with whatever I needed. I vowed right then to turn my life around. I was going to straighten out school and change my ways.
My first order of business was to pick a major and plan the classes I’d need to finish my degree. I chose business because my mom said I could pretty much work anywhere with it. Starting next semester, I’ll be a full-time student again. The baby’s due in June, and I’m both ready and scared. I’m well into my second trimester now and feel as big as a house. Mom and I go to the doctor next week for my ultrasound, and afterward, we’re going shopping since we’ll know what the baby is by then.
My mom’s place is small so for right now, we’re going to set the crib up in the corner of my bedroom, but I’m hoping that in future, I can get my own place. I have dreams of owning a nice two bedroom right in the city and being able to walk to the park. Cole and Angie’s parent’s place isn’t too far away, and I know the neighborhood already since I grew up here.
“You ready, honey?” My mom stopped in the doorway of my bedroom.
“Yeah, I guess.” I shrugged as I stood up. I wasn’t so big that I couldn’t move easily, but I was starting to get to the awkward phase.
“Just wait,” she laughed lightly. “You think you’re big now. In a few more weeks that baby will really start to grow fast and then you’ll see what big is.”
“Thanks Mom,” I groaned as I grabbed my purse.
We rode in silence for most of the drive to the doctor’s office. I watched out the window as pieces of my childhood floated by. I couldn’t help letting my mind drift back to a simpler time. St. Vincent’s School where Angie, Cole, Wes, and I all went still stood tall on the corner. School was getting ready to let out, and there was a line of cars waiting to pick up kids.
“That’ll be you one day.” My mom nudged me as we passed.
“Private school’s expensive,” I murmured.
“It is, but you make things work when your kids need them.,” She reached over and squeezed my knee.
“I don’t know how you did it,” I sniffed. I was not going to cry. I’d cried enough over the last few days about the mess I was in. The
truth was, I couldn’t change this. I was going to have to make it work just like my mom did only I had the one thing she didn’t… her.
“Are you kidding me?” she laughed lightly. “I was scared out of my mind for most of your childhood. I didn’t know what I was doing. I knew you were happy though, so I thought I must be doing something right.”
“You did a lot right.” I pressed my lips together before inhaling deeply through my nose. It kept the tears in check, but those last words put my mom over the edge. “I’m sorry, Mom. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
“No, no more sorrys. I don’t want you to tell me you’re sorry anymore. Raise this baby to be perfect like you, and that will be enough for me.” We’d pulled into the parking lot by this point, and Mom was turning the car off. “Let’s find out if I’m getting a grandson or granddaughter.”
“Sounds good to me,” I sighed as I tamped back my emotions and prepared for the next step in this process. Knowing if it was a boy or girl growing in my belly was the next step in making it real. I’d be able to name this baby. I could buy it things and talk to it by name. I’d know if I was going to be tortured with frilly things like ribbons and lace, or gross things like boogers and worms. To say that both terrified me was an understatement.
ooooooooo
“Alison Tanner,” the nurse called from the doorway of the waiting room.
“Here goes nothing,” I mumbled as I stood so I could follow her.
“Is this your first,” she called over her shoulder as she led me into a small room with my mom trailing behind us.
“Yep.” I nibbled my lip as I stared at all the equipment in the room.
“Take everything off below the waist. Dr. Roberts will be in shortly. It shouldn’t take long.” She smiled as she closed the door leaving Mom and I in the room.
“It’s freezing in here,” I whined as I followed the nurse’s instructions. The paper on the table crunched as I sat down and began swinging my feet. I really needed to go to the bathroom, but they’d told me last time not to do that before I came in for this. Something about having a full bladder would help. The nurse was right, and within minutes the doctor was lightly knocking on the door.
“How is everyone today?” The doctor smiled cheerily as she washed her hands.
“Ok, I guess.” I shifted again. I was more worried about wetting myself at this point and just wanted to get this over with as fast as possible. Dr. Roberts must have sensed this because she seemed to be moving quicker as she sat down, flipped some switches, and began to squirt the jelly on my stomach.
“Baby is really active today, huh?” She laughed as the image of my child began doing flips on the screen.
“You’re telling me,” I groaned. “Most nights it puts on a show. I think its nights and days are mixed up.”
“Well babies tend to sleep when you’re walking around. It’s like you’re rocking them. When you get still, they wake up.” She paused and took some measurements before writing them down on my chart. “Everything looks really good Ally. Do you want to know the sex?” She smiled as she turned her head in my direction.
“Yes,” I grinned. This was the one thing that I’d been looking forward to. Pregnancy wasn’t always wonderful. There were swollen feet, morning sickness; I had a heck of a time shaving my legs now, and the heartburn… don’t even get me started on that. This though, this was something exciting for me.
“Let’s see if we can see between the legs here. Sometimes, babies get shy and won’t let us look.” Dr. Roberts slid the wand around and finally paused. “You see that?” She pointed at the screen. “That right there says this little guy is a boy.”
“A boy?” I grinned. “I’m having a boy?” Tears streamed down my cheeks and into my hair as the reality of the situation began to settle.
“Yep, an active one by the looks of this.” Dr. Roberts pushed a couple of buttons to print out some pictures. “He looks perfect, Ally. You’re doing great. I’ll see you back in a month.” She handed me the pictures before leaving the room.
“It’s a boy, Mom.” I looked over at my mom as I sat up and stared at the photos in my hand. “Caleb.” I rubbed my stomach. “I’m going to call him Caleb,” I murmured.
“Oh, honey,” my mom sniffed. “Grandpa would like that.” She wiped at her eyes as she moved over to stand beside me, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. “He would like that a lot. I just wish he could’ve met you. He would have loved you so much.”
“Thanks, Mom. I wish I could have met him too.” I hugged her back, and I knew right then that I was going to be ok. This baby would be loved. He would carry on my grandpa’s name, and I was going to do everything in my power to give him the world.
Chapter 3
Alison
The next four months went by much as the last had, and as I reached my due date, I began to panic. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t raise a baby on my own. What was I thinking? Right, I wasn’t thinking… that was the problem. I’d spent at least one afternoon a week at Hype looking for Caleb’s father, but I was having no luck in the matter. I’d begun to think that I’d imagined him. Maybe, in my lustful stupor, I’d seen someone that wasn’t there, and this baby’s daddy was really some ugly dude that I’d blocked out of my memory. I knew though that based on the tingly sensation I got whenever I thought about that night meant he was real. No way would I have let someone that I didn’t find attractive have sex with me.
Over the last few days, I have gone back and forth between accepting that I’ll never find him and angry that I can’t. I know that I’m doing everything that I can to find him, but it doesn’t feel that way. Every time I feel Caleb kick me or flip around a small pang of guilt hits me square in the chest. My mom’s been telling me daily that I need to stop worrying so much about it. She says there are plenty of single moms out there that do it without a man’s help. It’s not his help I’m really looking for, though; it’s more of an assurance that Caleb will have a man in his life.
ooooooooo
“Mom?” I was currently leaning on the jamb in her doorway. “Mom?” My voice trembled as I tried again. Sweat beaded on my forehead and was slowly making its way down my neck.
“What’s wrong?” she half mumbled.
“I think the baby’s coming,” I moaned as I clutched my middle again. I’d been feeling these little twinges all evening, but within the last couple of hours they’d become more persistent.
“Ok, how far apart are they?” She pushed up on her elbows and reached to turn on the bedside light.
“I don’t know,” I whined. “It hurts. Make it stop!” I sounded like I did when I was little kid. Feeling the way I did, and with my mom right there, I wanted her to make it better.
“Ally, the doctor’s gonna ask these things. Has your water broken?” She rubbed her eyes but continued to stare at me.
“No,” I whimpered as I clutched my middle again.
“That’s good,” she mumbled as she threw her legs over the side of the bed and began to stand. “We’ve still got plenty of time.”
“Moooommmm,” I growled again as I felt my stomach tightening. This baby wanted out, and I wanted him out too. I felt like I’d been waiting forever for this. I wanted to meet this little guy, but I wanted my life back too. I’d given up coffee, my daily workouts, seafood, sleeping on my stomach… all the things I used to take for granted. My mom always laughed when I told her I wanted to be normal again. She’d giggle and say something like, “normal isn’t going to be normal anymore.” I really didn’t know what she meant, but I didn’t care if it meant I got my mochas back.
“Relax, honey. Do you have your bag packed?” She began tugging on a pair of jeans and running a brush through her hair.
“Yes. It’s sitting by the door where it has been for the last week. Can we go now?” I bounced slightly as I attempted to squeeze my knees together. I felt like I had to pee again, which should be impossible since I went before I came in here.
“Give me like two more minutes,” she smiled stiffly as she began applying lipstick.
“Really Mom? Make-up? It’s like three in the morning. Who do you think you’re going to see?” I whined.
“I have no idea, but you’re making more out of this than there is. We’ve got hours before this baby comes, trust me,” she groaned as she leaned closer to the mirror.
That was all it took to set me off. “Hours?” I shrieked. “I can’t do this for hours.” At that moment, another contraction tore through me causing me to gasp in pain.
“Breathe,” my mom soothed. “The baby needs oxygen.” She came over and stopped beside me as she gently rubbed my back.
“I can’t do this,” I cried. “I thought I could, but I can’t. Mommy?” I tipped my face skyward to beg for her help.
“Yes, you can.” Her voice was firm as she hugged me. “You’re a strong woman, Ally; you can do this. Let me get my shoes, and we’re out of here.” She squeezed my shoulders one last time before stepping away and disappearing into her closet.
ooooooooo
When we arrived at Boston Memorial, I thought it would be rather low key since it was so early in the morning, but boy, was I wrong. I guess something was in the air or water or something that night because I was one of eight moms to roll through the door. When I say roll, I literally mean roll. The nurse that met us at the drop off with a wheelchair couldn’t have been older than me. I think maybe she was still a student because she took one look at me waddling along and froze. It took my mother yelling from the driver’s side to put her into action. When we crossed the threshold of the electronic doors, the front wheels caught, and I toppled out and rolled about three feet across the floor.
If I hadn’t been in pain, I probably would have laughed because the look on that nurse’s face was priceless. Luckily, her supervisor was nearby and saw the entire thing happen. She helped me up, and we were on our way.
Broken Pieces (The Broken Series Book 4) Page 2