“I was getting ready to leave for training camp the night we met. I left the next morning and was gone for months before I came back home,” I sighed. I felt bad that some ill- timing had resulted in this mess we were in.
“I don’t know what you want here.” Her lip trembled as she watched me. “But please don’t take him from me.”
“What? Why would I take him?” I was completely lost here. Yes, I wanted to be part of his life, but I’d never take my son away from his mother.
“You have all the things I don’t. You have gobs of money, I’m sure a fancy place to live, and you can buy him anything he needs. I can’t do that.” Her eyes filled with tears and she blinked rapidly to make them go away.
“I’m also gone all the time,” I grumbled, “I’m out of town more than I’m home. Between camps, games, and the volunteer work I do, I’m super busy.”
“So what do you want? Why all the stalking to find me, meet him?” She motioned to Caleb’s sleeping form.
“I have a son.” I smiled. “I’m a dad, and I want to be a good one. I thought I’d be better at it if I was in his life. I’m sorry.” I reached up to tug at the bill of my own hat. I’d been checking our surroundings the entire time we were here just waiting for someone to recognize me. No one had yet, but in this day and age with camera phones, fans could make things difficult for me very easily.
“Something wrong?” Ally glanced around.
“Not yet,” I scanned the park again before gripping her elbow lightly and guiding us to a more secluded location. “I don’t feel like having this information all over twitter or Facebook right now.” I motioned to Caleb. “He deserves better.”
“I didn’t even think of that. Crap!” She stomped her foot, and I couldn’t help chuckling. She looked cute, and as she relaxed, more of the girl I met at the bar came back. “We can do this at my place if you want to.” She chewed her lip as she watched me.
“I can’t. I have to get going soon. I have a team meeting about next week’s game,” I grimaced.
“Oh, well do you need to leave?” She rocked back and forth on her heels.
“Yeah, pretty soon. I’m glad you texted though, and I do want to work something out here. I’m a nice guy once you get to know me.” I winked at her. The wink always seemed to do them in, and she was no different. I watched her cheeks turn a deep shade of pink as she looked away. “How about you come over tomorrow night and I cook you dinner? Caleb can play, and we can talk.” I smiled at her as I mentally checked all the things I would have to do. Baby proof my house, buy some toys, and figure out what to feed a one-year-old.
“I don’t know,” she murmured.
“Come on. I want to start over. Get to know each other. I think it could be really good for us to hang out like real people. You can see that I’m a nice a guy, and I can spend time with my son. Please?” I bent my knees, so I was looking right in her eyes. “I don’t live that far from you.”
I could see her relenting even before she said anything. Her face softened, eyes crinkling on the sides, and her mouth turned up into a half smile. “Fine,” she groaned. “Text me your address, and we’ll come over for dinner.”
“Great,” I smiled at her. “I’ll see you at seven.” I turned to walk away as I pulled my phone out. I texted her as I made my way back to my car.
“See you at seven,” she called as she started pushing the stroller in the other direction.
ooooooooo
Alison
I watched him walk away and a sense of peace washed over me. I wasn’t sure why, but relieved didn’t even touch what I was feeling. Carsen seemed genuine in his desire to be a father, but I was still unsure of it all. What if after a few weeks he decided that he didn’t, or worse, he decided that he would fight me for custody? I knew that I needed to keep my guard up, and my libido down. It didn’t matter how hot he was, or how well he filled out a pair of worn jeans, he was still Carsen Malloy, resident player. I wasn’t sure how he would fit into our lives, or if I even wanted him to right now. I knew that I needed to hear him out though so I couldn’t help but grin when my phone buzzed with a text from him.
Carsen: 126 Pine Street. See you at 7.
I shoved my phone back in my pocket and continued walking toward my car, and that’s when I saw him. Joey was leaning against the driver’s side of my car with his ankles crossed and his hands stuffed in his pockets. He was wearing a McKay’s Gym hoodie and workout pants, and my breath caught as I stared.
I’m not sure what I was planning to say to him when I approached, but my feet moved faster, as if my body was craving the closeness. I remembered what he looked like under all those clothes from our one time together, and despite this fucked up situation, I yearned to be near him again.
“I’m sorry,” I blurted as I came to a stop in front of him.
“For what? Lying? Hiding him?” He pointed at Caleb’s sleeping body and my heart fractured a little. “You’re scared, I get it, but I would have understood.” I could hear the pain in his voice, and I stepped in his direction as I reached out to hug him. “No.” He shook his head. “You don’t get to do that.” He stepped back away from me.
“Joey, I’m sorry.” I tried again. “Every person I’ve ever let into Caleb’s life has left us. They’ve left me without even meeting him, or they’ve bonded with us both and then left. I can’t let him meet people that aren’t going to be around the next week, month, year. I can’t,” I sniffed as I wiped my eyes.
“I’m sorry, too. I wouldn’t have done that, that’s not me. I…” He paused before blowing out a breath. “Never mind. I thought I could, but I can’t. Not now.” He shook his head.
“What?” I pushed down the brake on the stroller and checked Caleb before stepping closer to Joey. “What?” I crossed my arms over my chest for protection. I didn’t know what he was going to say, but I had a pretty good idea of what it might be. “What!” I shoved his shoulder causing him to stumble back.
“I could have loved you, ok? I could have fucking loved you!” His face contorted in pain. “He always gets what he wants. I thought for once that I was going to finally get what I wanted, but no… he gets that too.”
“What are you talking about?” I murmured.
“I’m not getting between my brother and you. That’s his son. I can’t do that. I’m not going to make you choose.” He shook his head and looked away. “I came here to tell you that.”
“What if I want you to?” I started to cry as I watched him. “What if I want you to make me choose? What if I love you too?” I wrapped my arms around myself as I watched him. The pain in eyes was so clear. He was hurting, but he was trying to do the right thing even if it killed us.
“I’m not going to,” he mumbled. “I’m going to be the uncle, and I’m gonna let you go.” He pushed off the car and stood towering over me. “I coulda loved you, in fact I may already love you, but I’m making the choice for you. Choose him. Go be with him and forget about me.” His lips thinned as he pointed in the distance before turning to walk away.
“Joey, please?” I cried. “Don’t do this.” He kept walking, his feet not even faltering at my words. “If you really loved me, you’d fight for me… for us.” I cried louder. By this point, Caleb had woken and started to fuss.
My earlier elation was quickly replaced by despair as I loaded him and our things in my car. I felt so confused and lost, and I wasn’t sure what I wanted now. Both Joey and Carsen had shown me sides of themselves I didn’t know existed, and now I wasn’t sure if either of them was right for me.
Chapter 12
Carsen
When I finally got out of my meeting that night, I was so tired I felt like I could fall asleep standing. I’d been under so much stress with Ally that my body was finally catching up and telling me to take a break and relax, only I couldn’t. They were coming over tomorrow night, and I was nowhere close to being ready. I’d convinced myself that I could make a home for them, but now as I stand h
ere in the local Target, I’m not so sure anymore.
I’ve been wandering up and down the aisles of baby items grabbing random items for the last twenty minutes, and I have no clue as to whether any of it is what I actually need. When I finally stopped by the diapers, I’d reached my lowest point. They had numbers on them, and I didn’t know what the numbers meant. What size should I get? What brand?
“Excuse me.” There was a young mom with a sleeping baby in her cart. “Can I ask you something?” I pushed my cart up beside her. She nodded absently as she stared at the shelf. When I caught a view of her face, she looked tired.
“Sure,” she sighed before meeting my gaze, and that’s when it all clicked for her. “You’re him,” she gasped and pointed before blushing and mumbling under her breath. “I look terrible,” she muttered quietly as she ran her fingers through her hair.
“Him?” I frowned.
“You’re Carsen Malloy,” she gasped again.
“That I am.” I motioned my hand toward the shelf. “Can you help me?”
“I did… I didn’t know you had a kid,” she fumbled, almost tripping over her own feet.
“I don’t.” I shook my head. I knew it was probably the wrong response, but I didn’t want this news out just yet. I didn’t know how Ally wanted to handle it, and I didn’t want their lives turned upside down because of me. She was finally letting me in. I didn’t want to give her a reason to push me away.
“Oh, ok,” she frowned slightly. “What are you looking for?”
“I have a nephew that’s one. I need everything he would need if he stayed with me.” I figured this was an easy and plausible answer. I’d get what I needed, and she didn’t know my secrets.
“Well it depends on how big he is for diapers, but I’d get these.” She handed me a package and then moved a little farther down the aisle. “You’ll need these too.” She tossed a package of wipes in the cart before rounding the corner. “Do you have any toys?”
I swallowed. “I don’t have anything.”
“All of these would work for a one-year-old. I’d pick some of these.” She motioned to an aisle filled with brightly colored toys before she called out, “you need something for him to sleep in and probably at least a travel size highchair.”
“Thanks for your help.” I turned and pushed the cart toward an employee that I’d seen mere seconds ago. Someone had heard us, and I was starting to garner attention. I knew when I started talking to the sales clerk and saw a camera flash out of the corner of my eye that I needed to get out of there. “Can you help me?” I asked the woman.
“Sure, what are you looking for?” She smiled as she turned her face up to mine, and then she recognized me too. “Oh, you’re him.”
“Fuck,” I hissed under my breath. This was a mistake coming here, but I hadn’t told anyone other than Joey about Caleb. My parents didn’t know yet, and I sure as shit wasn’t telling my agent. Ally already felt threatened. I didn’t need my world to come crashing down on her and scare her more. “I need a crib and a high chair, and all of this—” I pointed to my cart— “and maybe a few more toys.” I rubbed my hand over the top of my head before attempting to duck around a corner. Didn’t people understand that I was a real person too? I shopped just like they did. I don’t know why they thought it was newsworthy, or why they thought that everything I did needed to be documented.
“I can get all that for you. Would you like me to go ring this up? You can bring your car around, and we’ll load it.” She smiled at me as I stood there like a deer in headlights.
“That would be great. Here.” I handed her my credit card before I began weaving through the crowd that was beginning to form. “This is unbelievable,” I grumbled. I’d been wrong when I thought shopping at Target at nine at night would be a good idea. It seemed the better I played, the less I could do by myself. If my career kept climbing, I’d soon need personal shoppers like so many of my teammates.
ooooooooo
When I woke up the next morning, the first thing I did was put together the items I’d bought the night before. I’d decided to make the extra room that had been my office into a room for Caleb. I wasn’t sure how Ally would feel about that, but I wanted a place for him to stay if she ever let him come over. I’d moved my desk into my bedroom and pushed the futon that was in there against a far wall. I didn’t want to presume that Ally would sleep in my bed if she ever stayed the night, and it would be a perfect spot for her to be near Caleb.
After assembling the crib, I started opening the toys. I filled a bookcase along with a toy chest before resorting to piling them on the floor in a corner. I had gone a little overboard, but I felt like I needed to. I hadn’t been there for them in the past, and I wanted to make up for it. I wanted to show Ally that I was here, and I wasn’t going anywhere. I think she still felt like I was going to up and disappear after crashing into their lives.
When I’d finished my work, I stood back and stared. It looked like Toys R Us had exploded in my house. Everything a little boy could ever want littered the room. Trucks, dinosaurs, trains, and sports equipment was stacked and tucked everywhere. My house looked like I had an invisible family. A child’s room with no child. A high chair in the dining room, plugs over the outlets, and hooks on drawers. I wasn’t sure what Ally had taught Caleb about danger, so I proofed everything that I found on YouTube. I’d been researching and reading all night, and now I needed to rest. They were going to be over in a mere nine hours, and I was exhausted.
ooooooooo
Alison
I spent the entire ride to Carsen’s convincing myself this was a good idea. One minute I’d agree with myself, and the next I was ready to turn around and head back home. I had no idea what to expect, but when I stopped in front of the tall colonial, that was not it.
The house looked like every other house on the street, and aside from Carsen’s truck parked in the drive, I would have never known someone with money lived there. He seemed almost humble with his lifestyle. He didn’t have a fancy car, or fancy clothes; he didn’t brag about his wealth or make you feel like you weren’t worthy. He wasn’t at all what I expected. He was almost normal.
I glanced in the rearview to see Caleb happily playing with the football Carsen had given him at the park yesterday, and I couldn’t help smiling. He’d taken the thing in the tub for his bath and even slept with it last night. I wasn’t sure what the attraction was except maybe that it was squishy. Caleb was teething, and he had a habit of chewing on things like the football.
“You ready, buddy?” I unbuckled before climbing out and opening Caleb’s door. I slung the diaper bag up on my shoulder then went to work getting him out of his seat. He babbled as he grinned at me.
“Momma,” he giggled before smacking my shoulder with the football. He leaned forward in my arms and placed a slobbery kiss to my cheek. Yep, definitely teething again.
I wrapped my arms tightly around him as I walked to the front door, but before I could knock, it swung open. Carsen must have seen us pull up because he was standing tentatively like he wasn’t sure what to do. He had an apron tied around his waist and was dressed in jeans and a Nationals t-shirt. His hair was damp like he’d showered recently, and he smelled delicious.
“Hi,” I smiled up at him. It felt awkward, but I’d promised myself that I would give this a shot for our son.
“Hi,” he smiled as he stepped back. “Come on in. Dinner will be ready soon.” He motioned behind him and stepped out of the way to let me pass.
As I slowly moved through the house, I was amazed with it all. Everything looked new and modern. It was a complete contradiction to the outside. Clean lines and white furniture graced the living space except for a huge pile of toys in the corner. The moment I spotted them my feet faltered.
“I hope you don’t mind.” Carsen’s voice was quiet behind me. “I bought him a few things. I didn’t mean to overstep. I can take it back,” he began back pedaling.
“No, it’s fine
,” I sniffed. I wasn’t sure what to make of it. Caleb had never had this, and I longed for a partner that would love my son as much as I did. I’d been so worried that Carsen wouldn’t want Caleb that it never occurred to me that he would.
Caleb broke me out of my trance as he started wiggling to get free. His feet kicked as he leaned forward and struggled to get to the floor. “Down!” he demanded. “Down, Momma!”
I quickly leaned over and placed him on the floor. He scrambled in the direction of the toys, and I watched as he sat down and just stared at it all. It was as if he didn’t know what to play with first. His eyes widened, and he tentatively reached for a truck near the bottom of the pile.
“I wasn’t sure what he would like, so I got a little of everything,” Carsen mumbled from behind me.
“It’s too much,” I sobbed. “You didn’t have to do this.”
“I didn’t do it because I have too. I did it because I want to.” He placed his hand on my shoulder, and I flinched. “I’m sorry. I didn’t…” his words trailed off as he withdrew his hand.
“No, I’m sorry.” I turned to look over my shoulder and could see the uncertainty all over his face. “I didn’t know big bad football players could be so sweet.” I smiled, hoping that I was lightening the mood.
He chuckled. “Don’t tell my teammates.” He turned and headed in the direction of the kitchen. “Dinner’s almost ready. Have a seat and relax,” he called out.
It only took about ten minutes before Carsen announced that we were ready to eat. It took me a little coaxing to get Caleb to leave the toys and come eat, but when he saw the big bowl of spaghetti on the table, he clapped his hands and smiled.
“I take it he likes spaghetti?” Carsen put some in a small dish and placed it on the tray of the high chair. He’d surprised me yet again with that purchase. When he saw my stare, he nonchalantly shrugged and told me he was prepared for us.
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