“It’s his favorite. How’d you know?” I sat on one side of Caleb while Carsen sat on the other.
“It was my favorite when I was little; I took a guess.” He shrugged again before placing a sippy cup with milk in front of him.
“You thought of everything,” I whispered. I’d brought these types of things with me, I was used to it after all, but Carsen was surprising me left and right tonight.
“I want you guys to spend time here. I’m trying, Ally, I really am.” He reached across the table and placed his hand over mine. “I want you to know you can count on me.”
“Thanks,” I whispered before pulling my hand away. My heart was thundering in my chest, and my entire body was lighting up like a sparkler on the Fourth of July. I wasn’t supposed to feel this way, but Carsen was giving me what I’d always wanted. I’d dreamed of finding someone that wanted us as a package. The man had never had a face, but this right here was something I’d yearned for.
“Would you like a glass of wine?” He held up the bottle in his hand.
“Maybe just one; I have to drive tonight.” I moved my glass closer to him.
“You could always stay here,” he murmured without looking at me.
I swallowed. Did he really just propose what I think he did? “Uh, no I can’t,” I stuttered. I wasn’t going there right now. We had so much to work out, and I didn’t want to jump into this blindly. Was I ok with what was happening? Had I wanted it so bad in the past that now I was willing to take it from the first person that offered it to me?
“I understand,” he nodded. “Just know that the offer stands, not just for tonight,” he clarified.
“Ok.” I twirled a bite of spaghetti on my fork as I let the conversation die.
We went about eating our dinner with minimal conversation as Caleb entertained us. He made quite a mess by the time he finished, and both Carsen and I couldn’t stop laughing.
“Are meals always this entertaining?” Carsen chuckled as he removed the empty bowl from the high chair and started wiping the tray down. Caleb grinned a toothy grin as he slapped at the tray causing sauce to splatter on Carsen’s face.
“Only the messy meals,” I laughed as I shook my head at them. “I’ll clean him up,” I sighed as I stood and lifted him out of the high chair. “Where’s the bathroom?”
“It’s at the end of the hall, but you can use the room on the right side if you want,” he called out behind me. I was holding Caleb out in front of me so he wouldn’t get me covered in sauce as I rounded the corner and headed down the hallway. I’d grabbed the diaper bag on my way through the living space and had just tossed it on my shoulder when I opened the closed door to the room Carsen had mentioned. My mouth fell open in shock at what appeared in front of me.
A crib made of dark wood was pushed into one corner, a dresser stood opposite it. A futon was along the far wall, and shelf after shelf was filled with toys. If I thought the living room was bad, this was so much worse.
“Play!” Caleb slapped his hands together reminding me why I’d gone in there.
“We have to change you first,” I murmured as I carried him over to the changing table by the crib. I plopped him down and went to work stripping off his clothes. I always kept a spare set in the diaper bag, and as I dug them out, I secretly wondered what was in the closet of this room.
“Is it too much?” He startled me, and I spun around keeping one hand on Caleb so he wouldn’t lean over and fall off.
“It’s… it’s… I don’t know what it is.” I could feel my throat tightening and the tears coming.
“I didn’t mean to make you cry.” Carsen moved quickly over beside me and pushed me gently out of the way. “Sit. Let me do it. Please?”
I nodded as I lowered myself onto the futon and watched this man who was weaseling his way into our lives dress the little boy who was already in love with him. Caleb smiled and clapped as Carsen turned getting dressed into a game. When he’d finished, Caleb lifted his arms in a signal to be picked up, and Carsen didn’t miss a beat. He lifted him and motioned for me to follow him as he walked back out to the living room. Caleb was giggling and Carsen was talking to him in hushed tones as if they were sharing a giant secret. It was sweet, and I cursed myself for ever thinking this wouldn’t work.
After setting Caleb on the floor by the toys, Carsen motioned for me to sit beside him on the couch. I slowly shuffled across the room and lowered myself onto the soft cushions. “I’m not trying to overstep here.” He motioned around the room. “I want this to be a place that he can come to and be comfortable. I want both of you to be comfortable. The futon is for you,” he swallowed. “I thought that for now you’d want to be with him,” he grimaced.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
“I’m not saying that in the future I wouldn’t want you with me, but I wanna take my time here. I want you to want the same things I do, and I’m willing to go as slow as you need.” He leaned forward and placed his forearms on his thighs. “I haven’t done this in a long time,” he sighed. “I’m sure I’ll screw up a few times, just promise me you’ll talk to me about it. No more hiding.” His head turned in my direction, and the wall I’d built up to keep him out of my life cracked a little more.
“Ok.” I bit down on my lip. “I have to be honest though; I don’t know what I want here.” I flipped my hand in the air, and before I could put it back in my lap, he gripped it in his.
“We’ll find out together.” He squeezed my hand before releasing it. “Just give me a chance, for his sake.” He nodded toward Caleb, and I laughed lightly when I noticed he’d curled up among the toys and fallen asleep.
I nodded again. “Ok, but I really need to go now. I need to get him home, and I need time to process all this.” I pulled away from him and stood before walking over to where Caleb was sleeping and lifting him into my arms. “Thank you for tonight,” I murmured as I began the trek to the door.
“No, thank you for tonight.” He leaned over and kissed the top of Caleb’s head as he nestled in my arms. “I’ll call you and we’ll do this again soon.” He opened the door for us and stood there watching until I pulled away and headed home.
Now what? I asked myself as I made my way down the dark streets of Boston. I’d asked a man to fight for me yesterday, and now I had his brother who really was going to fight for me. My heart ached as I thought of both of them. They were so different, but the same in so many ways. I knew Joey loved me, and now I thought Carsen might love me too. The only problem was I wasn’t sure I loved him back yet.
Chapter 13
Alison
It’s been a week since I heard from Carsen, but he had a road game. I don’t really follow football, but now that’s he’s in my life I’ve started to. I don’t really understand it, and it makes me cringe every time he is tackled, but when the camera zooms in on him and he winks, I can’t help smiling. He told me that was his way of telling me he was ok. I think it’s cute that he already wants to have secret code, but it makes me wonder if he’s hiding me.
Tonight, we’re going to the movies. He called me this morning and asked if he could take me out on a real date. I wasn’t so sure at first, but he assured me that his intentions were good. He claimed that if we were going to make an honest try at this, we needed to date like any other couple. It took me awhile, but I agreed after checking to make sure my mom could baby sit.
Now I’m trying to decide what to wear. I want to be comfortable, but this a date. Do I dress sexy for him? Do I play it low key? I have no idea where we’re going for dinner. I don’t want to show up at a fancy restaurant in jeans. Carsen, of course, told me I would look great in no matter what I wore. He’s a total guy. I like the fact that he says stuff like that, but I always wonder how much of it is really him and how much is what he thinks he’s supposed to say.
After deciding on a pair of dark jeans and a nice sweater, I began to get ready. My mom had come to my place and was sitting in the living room playing with Cale
b as I showered and dressed. After putting on some perfume and my makeup, I went to sit with her and wait. I couldn’t remember the last time I was this nervous to go out with a guy, maybe high school? I’d always just run with it, but Carsen mattered. He was the father of my son, and no matter how things went between us, I’d always have him around. I wanted things between us to be smooth and not have all the tension that we’d been dealing with.
It wasn’t long before there was a knock at the door. I jumped up faster than I should have and almost fell flat on my face. The heel of my boot had caught on the carpet, and I stumbled my way to the door. “Hey,” I laughed out of breath as I flung it open.
Carsen smiled and looked a little confused as he stared at me. “Are you ok?” He glanced around and waved at my mom when he spotted her.
“Play!” Caleb tossed a block in his direction and began crawling over.
I watched Carsen’s face morph right before my eyes as he watched our son with that hopeful look on his face. “I thought he’d be asleep. How do I tell him no?” he murmured as he shifted on his feet.
“Play!” Caleb tried again as he tugged at Carsen’s pants leg.
“Not now, buddy. Maybe next time.” I squatted down and helped removed the fabric from between his fingers. His bottom lip stuck out, and I could see the tantrum coming before the first tear even fell. “Carsen will play later. Grandma will play now.” I gave my mom the look, and she took the cue to come over and lift him into her arms. I quickly grabbed my purse off the chair near the door and ushered Carsen outside.
“Shouldn’t we?” He pointed at the closed door as I started walking toward the stairs.
“He’s fine. If I got upset every time he cried, I’d be upset all the time,” I sighed. “He’ll forget about in a few minutes and be back to playing.”
“I don’t know how you do that. Just walk away?” Carsen jogged after me, catching up right as I got to the bottom of the steps.
“It takes time, trust me. The first time I did it, it all but killed me” I smiled up at him. “He’s gonna do this a lot though. Like every time we leave him. You have to know when not to let it bother you, and when it’s a concern. We can stay here if you don’t want to go out,” I offered. I really didn’t know what he’d say. The look on his face said he wanted to rush back up to my place and play with the Caleb the rest of the night, but his words said otherwise.
“No, I want to take you out, and that’s exactly what we’re going to do.” He reached for the door handle on my side, and opened the door for me. “You look great by the way.”
“Thanks.” I smiled. “You don’t look too bad yourself.”
He smiled at me before starting up the truck and beginning our drive to the restaurant. I wasn’t sure where we were going, and when we pulled up to Max’s Italian Eatery, I was completely surprised.
“Spaghetti again?” I teased, and his smile fell.
“I knew you liked it. We can go somewhere else.” He started to put the car in drive, but I reached over and stopped him.
“This is fine. I’m just surprised, that’s all.” I wasn’t really sure how to play things here. I wanted to get past the awkwardness that came with a new relationship, but I wasn’t sure what that version of Carsen would be like. Was what I was seeing now the real deal, or was it the ‘new’ relationship version? How would he act when he was comfortable around me?
“Come on.” He opened his door and climbed out. When he rounded the truck to my side, he helped me down and then twined his fingers with mine. I couldn’t help but feel how warm his skin was, and a slight tingle shot up my arm as he led me to a side door.
“Where are we going?” I pulled us to a stop.
“Trust me,” he grinned as he knocked on the door.
“But shouldn’t we go in the front?” I darted my eyes around as the door in front of us swung open.
“What’s up, Cary?” The tall blond guy standing there in a chef’s uniform grinned at us.
“Cary?” I giggled.
Carsen narrowed his eyes at me. “It’s what my friends called me in college. Don’t ever repeat that,” he warned.
“Lips are sealed,” I giggled again. “At least for now.”
The guy stepped out the way and held his arm out directing us inside. As soon as we stepped in, a metal stairwell appeared to the right of us. “Go on up.” He nodded at Carsen. “I’ll bring the rest in a few. It’s all set for ya.” He shook Carsen’s free hand before disappearing down a hall.
“What are we doing?” I was baffled but followed Carsen blindly as he climbed the stairs.
“Just trust me,” he grumbled as we moved higher and higher.
When we reached the top, he opened a door that led us onto the roof. A small table with candles was sitting off to the side. A bottle of wine was chilling, and what looked like a radio was sitting on the edge.
“What’s all this?” I tipped my head so I could look him in the eyes.
“I wanted us to have some privacy. When I’m out, people notice me. I can’t go anywhere without being approached. Fans think nothing of interrupting my meals, conversations, and private time… You name it and it’s happened. I wanted tonight to be about you and me, not you, me, and my fans. There will be plenty of time for that. Right now," he smiled as he released my hand and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, “I’d like a dance.”
I swallowed as my head began to spin. What the hell was happening right now? Was this real? Was he real? “Uh,” I blinked a few times as my body stilled. I wanted to believe that whatever was going here was real, but it seemed too good to be true.
“It’s just a dance.” He smiled as he led me closer to the radio. I followed him, shuffling my feet along until he stopped us. He leaned forward, turned the power on, and sound filled the air around us. It was soft and mellow and sounded a little like Ed Sheeran. “Relax,” he soothed as he wrapped his arms around my waist and lower back. “I’m trying here. I’m trying to let you in. I really want to, Ally, but I’ve been hurt in the past. Too many people have pretended to care, and then completely broken me. I was shattered into so many pieces over the years that I’ve learned how to keep everyone out, but I don’t want to anymore. I wanna let you in, if you’ll let me.”
He removed one hand from my back and slowly gripped my chin between his thumb and index finger. I knew what was happening, and I felt powerless to stop him. I didn’t know if I ever wanted to stop him. His eyes were glowing bright green in the starlight, and I could feel the nervous energy radiating off him. It was like in a movie. His head tipped, my eyes fluttered closed, and before I knew it, his lips were brushing across mine. There was no urgency like I remember from that night in the parking lot. This time it was as if he was a totally different man.
My hands came up between us and gripped his shirt. He flinched slightly like he thought I was going to push him away, but instead, I balled the fabric in my fists and tugged him closer. His hips and thighs pressed into mine, and he groaned before pulling away. My eyes blinked opened just in time to see him shaking his head. “Do you know what you do to me?” he hissed. He said something after that, but I completely missed it because those words… those words right there were the same words that Joey uttered right before we made love. My world was flipping upside down, and I didn’t know how to stop it. I wanted this, at least I thought I did, but memories of that one night that I shared with Joey kept flooding my thoughts. How could I be here… on a date with one man and thinking about another?
“I think we should eat,” Carsen stated, bringing me out of my thoughts. My head snapped to the side, and I saw the food had been set out on the table.
“Ok,” I nodded. I wasn’t sure how to respond. I couldn’t tell him what his words had done to me, and I sure as hell couldn’t tell him that I was here with him but thinking about his brother.
I absently shuffled over to the table and sat down in a daze. It was like I was going through the motions but my mind wasn’t all there.
“Are you ok?” Carsen lowered himself into the chair across from me.
“I’m fine.” I gave a quick smile before digging into the plate of food sitting in front of me.
ooooooooo
When we finished eating, Carsen suggested walking to the movie theater. There was an old-fashioned one just a few blocks away. It was playing a revival of Casablanca, and Carsen insisted that we go. I didn’t know if sitting through a romantic movie was the best idea or not, but I gave in. The movie really was better than I thought it would be. It was afterward that the date started to go south.
We were coming out of the theater hand in hand when a young girl came running up to us on the sidewalk. She couldn’t have been more than about seventeen, and the friends she was with were giggling in a group not far from us.
“Excuse me,” she smiled as she reached out and patted Carsen’s arm. He froze, furrowed his brow, and frowned.
“Yes?” He sighed as he turned us to face her. Her face flamed bright red as she stumbled over her words.
“Could you? I mean would you? Can you sign this for me?” She thrust a piece of paper out toward him, and when he took it, she squealed and bounced on her toes.
“Are you a fan?” He was so calm and polite even though I could sense his annoyance.
“My brother’s a huge fan.” She blushed even more. “Wait until I tell him I got to talk to you.”
Carsen handed her the paper back and motioned to me. “Well, I’m kinda on a date, so if you’ll excuse us.” He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and began leading me away when she called out.
“So is it true? You have a nephew?” When Carsen’s feet stopped moving, she continued, “I saw the pictures.”
“No, it’s not true,” Carsen ground out. “Don’t believe everything you see.”
“What’s she talking about?” I whispered.
“Come on. We’ll talk about it later.” He began ushering me toward the truck.
“No, I wanna talk about it now.” I stopped walking, causing him to halt.
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