The Tightrope

by Hiba Basit

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Then you shouldn’t be sorry about having her.’ Annette closes her eyes and lifts her hands to her mouth to stop them shaking. Images flash through her mind. The stained bed. The sick feeling in her stomach the next day. The symbol on the pregnancy stick that told her she was pregnant. The smell of the apartment that she gave birth in. The horrendous pain that never really left. The feeling of taking Santana in her arms.

  David wraps his arms around her. She opens her eyes. It takes her several seconds to realise what is happening and then she’s holding onto him, burying her face into his neck. She is so grateful for his touch that she pushes herself even closer to him. He rubs her back very slowly and then squeezes her in his arms until she stops shaking.

  ‘I love you so much!’ she cries. He eases her back to look at her.

  ‘I know. So do I. But you have to promise that you’ll never lie to me again. You talk about trust in your sessions all the time. If you really love me, you have to trust me too. You know I want to be with you forever. I want your children, for God’s sake! How could you ever think I’d leave you because you already have a child?’

  ‘Santana wants to meet you,’ she finally says.

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yeah. She’s always wanted to meet the man who got me to marry him.’

  He grins. ‘I’d really like to meet her too!’

  She turns towards the stairs, holding his hand. ‘And I’d really like to have a baby with you.’ Her expression is pained and happy at the same time. He studies her. Reading his mind, she quickly interjects. ‘This is not something mounting from my guilt. I wanted to talk about this before all this happened, remember?’

  He remembers and follows her upstairs, holding her with all his strength, as if she might disappear into thin air without a whisper.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Jacob’s parents sit in Annette’s office. They are an old-fashioned couple; Stew leaves his house in the morning to run his business as an estate agent and Eliza runs the house, dropping the children to school and then making her way to her yoga classes and book club sessions in the early afternoon. After offering them tea, Annette sits down with her new mug of coffee.

  ‘We don’t know what to do with Jacob any more,’ Stew says, sighing.

  ‘He used to be such a happy child,’ Eliza says. ‘When he smacked his sister yesterday, I was shocked. Rage got the better of me and I hit him.’

  ‘It sounds like you both agree that his behaviour is getting out of control,’ Annette says. Eliza looks at Stew and smiles softly, secretly sharing a memory.

  ‘He was a good kid. Once, after Katy was born, we went to Silverlight seaside and had a little picnic there. There was a spot for a short scuba diving session. Jacob was excited before I had even said yes. I didn’t want to disappoint him, so I agreed to let him go. He flushed bright pink with happiness and ran to the hut. Stew went with him whilst I looked after Katy. When he came out of the water, he was smiling so brightly, I thought his cheeks were about to explode. I peeled the diving suit off him and kissed his damp skin. I’ll never forget what happened next. He looked at me, and he said, I saw a starfish, Mum. I couldn’t tell if the starfish was male or female as it wasn’t spawning. I just laughed, I had no idea he knew what spawning meant. Jacob looked at me then, so serious and subdued. He said, sometimes when female starfish mate, the babies formed are males. But when they grow big enough, they change back into females. Like magic, except it isn’t. It’s just luck.’

  Annette ponders on the word ‘luck’. She whispers it and rolls it around on her tongue, trying to decipher if it has a hidden meaning, feeling slightly disappointed by its single syllable. What a weird word for Jacob to use. She thinks about Jacob going scuba diving, seeing the starfish and sea horses with his eyes opened wide, excitement pouring out of them. Where did he learn the word ‘spawning’? She starts to think about starfish in general, the different kinds, colours, the various places they hide out. Then, she remembers the technical term for animals that are born one sex and change to the other at some point in their lives: sequential hermaphroditism. Something pokes at her from inside, waiting for her to catch it. As she searches her mind for more facts, she remembers something else, protandry, those that change from male to female, and protogyny, those that change from female to male. Jacob mentioned the former.

  ‘How did your mug break?’ Eliza’s voice brings her back as she moves forward and stares at the broken pieces in her bin. ‘Jacob had a cup just like this one.’

  ‘For me?’ she asks, but Eliza shakes her head.

  ‘No, it said for him. He broke it as soon as I gave it. He said it was an accident, but I saw him drop it on the floor. His sisters have the same one.’

  ‘What do their mugs say?’

  ‘For her.’ Annette contemplates the words. For her. For him. For me. As they start to settle in her mind, taking the form of memories, and she is about to schedule another appointment with Jacob’s parents, one pair comes back into view at full force. She watches the letters in front of her, dancing in little squiggly lines. The protandrous starfish reach out for the letters, clasping them tightly within their rays and protecting them under their central disk. For him, she thinks, and the letters shoot out from under the starfish, creating a whirlpool of seawater in the air, hitting rocks and unearthing wildlife as they pass by, creating havoc underworld as they change forms. And, suddenly, it hits her.

  Like magic, she thinks and silently gasps.

  Jordan sits in his chair, silently rocking back and forth. His hands are knotted together on his lap as he studies Annette sitting in front of him. She laughs uncertainly, waiting for him to speak the inevitable, all the while coming to dislike these sittings as much as his new inquisitive approach, which has reached another level.

  ‘We’ve already had our debriefing session this week,’ she says, hoping he’s made an error in his schedule. He unclasps his hands, places his elbows down on the desk and re-clasps them.

  ‘Talk to me.’ That’s the thing with supervisors; they have the awful power to arrange impromptu mandatory sessions at will.

  ‘What do you want me to talk about?’

  ‘Tell me what happened, my dear.’

  She shrugs. ‘Nothing.’

  ‘A hurricane hit the city your daughter lives in,’ he urges. ‘So, what happened?’ Then, he sighs. ‘Annette, I’m not asking you because it’s protocol or policy. I’m asking today because I’m concerned. Did David find out about Santana?’

  Annette leans back in her chair, increasing her distance from him. She remembers the day she confided in Jordan, the only person she’d ever told about her daughter. Five years back, she walked straight into his office and asked him to lie to David about her whereabouts, when they’d already become good friends. Tell him that I’ve gone to a conference, she’d said. The conference will be in New York, where my daughter Santana lives. I’m going to see her and David doesn’t know about her. Despite appearing startled, he agreed to provide her with an alibi, without asking any further questions. She was amazed, almost doubting that he’d secretly tell David the truth when she left. He never did; fake conference after fake conference, he kept her secret safe, kept her alibi going. Until today, he hadn’t even mentioned Santana’s name.

  She traces the bags beneath Jordan’s bloodshot eyes with her own and feels a rush of fresh respect for him. He’s the only one she’s been able to rely on. He’s the only one who’s kept her safe, both inside the grounds of the hospital and outside. She owes him an explanation, after all these years of silence.

  ‘He found out. He realised something wasn’t right when I fell to my knees as I read the headlines. He guessed the truth when I called her name, when I called her my baby.’

  ‘And then what happened?’

  ‘He asked me if she was my daughter. When I said yes, he walked out.’

  Jordan nods. ‘How do you feel now that he knows?’

  She sig
hs. ‘If he hadn’t found out the truth, he still wouldn’t know. Is that what you want to hear?’

  ‘Annette, is David still with you?’ She shakes her head, not understanding. ‘After that night, after he walked out, did he come back?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘So, are you both going to try and make it work?’

  ‘Yes, but Jordan –.’

  ‘With Santana,’ he interrupts. ‘Is he willing to make it work with her?’

  Annette thinks about David’s hands on her cheek. She remembers the feel of his breath on her lips. You love your daughter, don’t you? Then you shouldn’t be sorry about having her. His words were honest, forgiving and loving. In that moment, she wanted to tell him all of it, the entire truth. She wanted to love him more than she loved anyone else. She wanted to give all of herself to him, in the reckless hope that one day she would conceive his baby too. You talk about trust in your sessions all the time. If you really love me, you have to trust me too. She swallows the guilt back. When she speaks, her voice seems to come from somewhere else, far away and barely audible.

  ‘He is. He wants to meet her. He wants her to come and stay in Canberra for a while.’

  ‘How do you feel about this?’ he asks.

  ‘Fine. Why wouldn’t I want Santana to be a part of his life now that he knows about her?’ she says, suddenly feeling defensive.

  ‘What about Santana being in your life?’ The question catches her off guard. Memories she thought she’d forgotten of Santana’s father slap themselves in front of her eyes. She looks at Jordan and focuses on his worried expression, trying to remember what he’s just asked her.

  ‘It’s good that I don’t have to hide her from him any more.’

  ‘That’s not what I asked.’

  ‘I feel fine that she’s coming to stay with me,’ she says firmly. She fixes Jordan with a determined gaze, but he stares right back. She grits her teeth. They don’t speak for a long time, until he abruptly moves forward and takes hold of her hands on the table.

  ‘Who has destroyed your faith so much that you can’t even trust your husband with your deepest fears? A husband who is still by your side after finding out one of them.’ Her hands, tangled with Jordan’s, start to sweat at the palms and fingertips. She knows he’s detected the change, as his grip tightens, holding on firmly amidst the dampness of her skin.

  ‘I think I know what’s going on with Jacob,’ she says.

  Her response doesn’t surprise him. Her tactic has always been to change the subject when things get uncomfortable.

  ‘That’s good, Annette.’ He still holds her hands, locking her gaze with his own. Then, he finally lets go. ‘Let me know when you’re ready to write a final report on him.’

  ‘OK.’ Annette remains seated, staring at him, but he has already busied himself with a pile of paperwork. She detects the look of disappointment on his face.

  ‘Feel free to leave.’ She turns away from him, opens the door, walks out and clicks it shut again. She stands outside the room, willing herself to go back in, to end this constant battle with herself. Instead, she wipes an invisible piece of fluff off her blouse and walks briskly down the corridor, her heart pounding faster than she remembered it could.

  Later in the day, Annette takes a stroll along the beach, hoping to clear her mind, when she hears someone call her name. The faint sound mingles with the waves of the sea, so that it goes undetected for a while.

  She turns and instantly closes her eyes to the blazing sun. In the light of the sun, Mali saunters down the steps towards her. As soon as she steps onto the sand, the waves splash around her ankles and splatter the hem of her dress. She waves as she approaches and plants a kiss on Annette’s cheek.

  ‘Can I walk with you?’ she asks brightly, squinting up at her.

  ‘Of course!’ Annette replies, winding Mali’s arm through hers and leaving her left one hanging loosely by her side. Mali walks with her head down and her eyes looking at her feet in the sand. As Annette glances sideways at her, she remembers Mali when she was a little girl, six years old, showing off her ballet skills to the guests. She moved with such grace on her feet and mastered a neat pirouette, insisting that everyone applaud her while at the same time, her mother was scolding her for bragging, pushing her in the direction of the kitchen so she’d help set the table.

  Mali scanned the room and then ran in the direction of the stairs. As soon as Annette reached the last step, she flung herself at her and pushed her head against her neck, in tears. Since she was young, Annette had always been the person Mali would go to when she was in trouble, or more often, before she was about to do something that would get her into trouble. As she glances at her now, Annette has a hunch that this is one of those times.

  ‘I heard about Green Orphanage,’ Mali says. ‘It’s sad that people still do such awful things to children.’

  ‘That’s true. But there’s lots of good people out there too.’

  ‘It’s good that you’re working with them, right? It means they’ll get better?’ Annette smiles half-heartedly.

  ‘I’m only with a small number of the children from the orphanage. Even with the best services available, they’ve suffered terrible abuse. It’ll always remain with them.’

  ‘That’s really sad.’ Mali kicks a shell lodged in the sand. ‘If only they could trust that man who was looking after them, the one in court.’

  ‘Andrei?’

  ‘Yeah, him.’

  ‘What do you mean trust him?’

  ‘Like, if he wasn’t out to hurt them, then, he’d still be with them, right?’

  ‘Right...’ Annette raises an eyebrow. ‘But what makes you think he wasn’t out to hurt them?’

  Mali stops abruptly. ‘No, I was just saying, if he never did anything to them, then it’ll be all right if the kids were still with him.’ She starts to babble. ‘Obviously, what he did got him into trouble and it’d be awful if he was still doing that to children, because obviously, that’s child abuse, but if he didn’t want to cause them any harm, then it’d be perfectly fine for him to still be with them.’ Her face looks aghast, as if someone has unexpectedly shone a torch at her in the dark.

  Annette tries to make sense of her words. ‘If he didn’t abuse them, or abuse the power of his role, then yes, he’d still be looking after them at the orphanage. But he wouldn’t be with them. Being with them, if it’s the kind I think you’re implying, is itself a criminal offence, as they are minors and he an adult.’

  Mali blushes. She stands still, looking out into the sea.

  Annette nudges her softly. ‘How much have you looked into the GO cases?’

  As if on cue, the sun vanishes behind the clouds and the freezing water spills over Annette’s feet, making her pull them away. ‘Mali?’

  ‘I understand what you’re saying. Thanks for the advice.’

  Advice? What advice did she give her? Annette is about to ask Mali to come over for dinner when her phone starts to ring. She pulls it out from her trouser pocket. Mali turns from the water and replaces her shoes. She taps Annette on the shoulder and mimes that she has to leave. With that she takes off at an unnatural speed, her arms slicing through the air, her schoolbag banging on her hips under the force of her stride, her flip flops slapping the grainy sand, creating a whirlpool behind her.

  Annette dries her face with a towel.

  ‘Tell me if I’m being paranoid, but I had the strangest talk with Mali today,’ she says, appearing from the bathroom.

  David shuts the blinds and turns to her. ‘Why? What did she say?’

  ‘She was very concerned about what’s happened at Green Orphanage. She’s read up on it a lot, it seems.’

  ‘Really?’ He lifts both eyebrows. ‘That’s good!’

  ‘I don’t think so,’ she says, biting the inside of her cheek. ‘The things she was saying were just odd. Like, she asked, if Andrei didn’t mean to hurt the kids, would he still be looking after them.’

  He fro
wns. ‘She asked that?’

  ‘Well, it was more of a statement. She said if he didn’t mean to hurt anyone, then Andrei would still be with them.’

  This time, David pulls a face. ‘With them?’

  Annette relaxes, knowing he’s picked up on the same thing that started to unsettle her. ‘Yeah, this is what I mean. It’s not like her to be so tactless with words.’

  ‘Did she mean proximally with them or with them as in a relationship?’

  She shrugs. ‘I really don’t know. She ran off before I could ask.’

  He loosens his tie. ‘Well, for one thing, I no longer think it’s Andrei she’s talking about.’

  This time, it’s Annette’s turn to be taken aback. ‘Who do you think she was talking about?’

  He shrugs. ‘No idea! She’s a teenager. She must be having a weird day or something. Hormones running high.’

  Annette scowls. ‘Not everything a woman feels is because of hormones!’ David pulls a face, knowing he’s said the wrong thing. ‘What do men know about hormones, anyway? It’s obvious they think women feel too much, so they use hormones as the culprit. Do you know that we’re actually feeling what we say we’re feeling? My emotions are just as real as yours!’

  ‘I won’t argue with that. Real and raw!’

  Annette whacks him hard with her towel. He grabs it with his fist and throws it in the laundry basket.

  ‘You’re a pig!’ she says.

  ‘Imagine what you’ll be like when you’re pregnant.’

  She grins. ‘That baby card was yours, so whatever comes with it is all up to you.’ David laughs, surrendering. ‘By the way, Santana’s coming in a week.’

  ‘You sorted out a date then?’

  ‘Yeah, so I was thinking of taking a couple of days off work. Take her around Canberra, not that there’s much to see here.’

  ‘There’s lots to see. She seems like a beach girl, sunbathing in the heat, walking barefoot in the sand, eating hotdogs and listening to the sound of the waves. She’ll fit in easily.’