The Smartest Book in the World
Page 15
Scottish dad, Danish mother, Charles fought and lost a civil war but was such a badass that on the cold day of his execution, he asked for warm clothes. He said, “The season is so sharp as probably may make me shake, which some observers may imagine proceeds from fear. I would have no such imputation.” No such imputation given, sir. He can play the wall.
Center Field: GEORGE VI (reign: 1936–1952)
Diligent and resolute, George stood tall during WWII. Buckingham Palace was bombed nine times, and he never split. He can flag flies. He visited troops all through the war. Father of the longest-reigning monarch, Elizabeth II. He plays center without a hitch or stammer.
Right Field: GEORGE III (reign: 1760–1820)
He will be great in the garden talking to the birds. George III lost America, but he will win ball games.
Pitcher: ELIZABETH II (reign: 1952–)
After a million years in the show, Elizabeth has staying power and the crazy fastball.
Catcher: RICHARD THE LIONHEARTED (reign: 1189–1199)
Richard I was a hot-tempered dude and a cruel-assed Crusader who beat the mighty Saladin. He did get captured, but after being ransomed, he was crowned king of England a second time. He is my field general.
Relief Pitcher: WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR (reign: 1066–1087)
They don’t call you The Conqueror unless you are a bona fide badass. They also called him William the Bastard because he was. William I had three horses killed under him at Hastings. He rode waving his helmet so the troops could see he was alive—he can save the game.
Vendor: HER MAJESTY ELIZABETH, the Queen Mother (reign: 1936–1952)
Queen during WWII, Elizabeth took pistol training. Super gay-friendly and drank seventy drinks a week. She’ll sell beer and wine in the stands and drink it as well. Passed at 101. Baby, that is hanging tough.
POETRY VII
William Shakespeare, aka Willy the Shake
(1564–1616)
He is impossible to kill. A million bad adaptations cannot pierce the armor around his reputation. No one can deny the majesty of his work. He is the greatest playwright of the English language. Even in this illiterate age of reality TV and the interweb, we all know Hamlet and his dilemma. Macbeth and his terrible crimes. Romeo and Juliet and their mad, doomed love. The truth is, he knew much about humanity and what makes us human and was able to brilliantly and poetically communicate these deep draughts seemingly with infinite ease and wit. The sonnets are divided into several sets. Some written to a man, some written to “The Dark Lady.” We are not about or able to unravel the whys and wherefores here. “The play’s the thing,” but Shake was also a prolific poet. His wry take on love and his towering way with words are given full play in his poetry. The plays were stepped on, cut, redacted, and rewritten freely by actors and many others. The sonnets are all his and all ours to hold like a precious flower. Just let the master take you there. Pour some mead and hike up your merkin.
Sonnet 18: Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer’s Day?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, And summer’s lease hath all too short a date.
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines, And often is his gold complexion dimmed; And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance, or nature’s changing course, untrimmed; But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow’st, Nor shall death brag thou wand’rest in his shade,
When in eternal lines to Time thou grow’st.
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.
Sonnet 151
Love is too young to know what conscience is;
Yet who knows not, conscience is born of love?
Then, gentle cheater, urge not my amiss,
Lest guilty of my faults thy sweet self prove.
For thou betraying me, I do betray
My nobler part to my gross body’s treason;
My soul doth tell my body that he may
Triumph in love; flesh stays no farther reason,
But rising at thy name, doth point out thee
As his triumphant prize. Proud of this pride,
He is contented thy poor drudge to be,
To stand in thy affairs, fall by thy side.
No want of conscience hold it that I call
Her “love,” for whose dear love I rise and fall.
MUSIC III
Punk
Punk was many things, including a reaction to awful music like the hideous elf rock of Yes and the intolerable countrified coke droning of the Eagles, but it was also an art movement spearheaded by low-rent bands in shit clubs. Punk was misunderstood at the time because the American press fixated on the spitting and the safety pins and missed the whole idea that young people hated how boring society had become, loathed the government and the crappy economy, plus the fact that pop music was not getting it done.
NEVER MIND THE BOLLOCKS
The Sex Pistols, 1977
Conceived and recorded very quickly and with little to no Sid Vicious, who could not actually play his bass, this album is a snarling, raging, caterwauling triumph. Johnny (then) Rotten barks and yelps and whines and is everything rock needs to rock. Thirty-some odd years down the road, this album, with its opening of marching jackboots, is still snotty. “God Save the Queen” is a hate-packed rant that feels good on every listen. “We mean it, maaaaaan.” The song “Bodies” says it all: “Fuck this and fuck that.” Name another group that made only one album that is still being spoken of. They defined punk and could not sustain because of business and money and drugs and violence. They wrote but one book, but it is a rockin’ good time.
LONDON CALLING
The Clash, 1979
The Clash had been there at the start of punk and wanted to make an album that had everything but the kitchen sink: rhythm & blues, reggae, ska, lounge, horns, rockabilly, rock ’n’ roll, punk, and plenty of anger and dread. And why not? The Sex Pistols were long gone, and punk was morphing into art, techno, industrial, and new wave. The producer was a gifted, drug-taking drunk named Guy Stevens, who brought Chuck Berry to the UK after he was arrested for taking a fourteen-year-old girl across state lines, and started Mott the Hoople and gave them their name. London Calling, with its cover art inspired by Elvis’s first album, was the title of a book Stevens read in jail. While the first Clash album sounds like machine guns and barking seals, London Calling was an attempt to commercialize them and smooth out the punk. The Clash put down a lot of tracks in one take and made the album in a big hurry. It is a sprawling and slightly disorganized record; the hit “Train in Vain” ain’t even listed on the album, after a promotional deal fell through. But it has an immediate party feel that is so infectious it covers the mistakes and erratic tempo changes. As Guy Stevens said, “All great rock songs speed up.” Light one up before breakfast and stop being so rude and feckless; this record is a call to arms—and shows that pretentious political bands can have fun, too. Dear U2, please take note.
ROCKET TO RUSSIA
The Ramones, 1977
Four dysfunctional dudes from New York who loved comic books, sci-fi, baseball, and old-fashioned rock ’n’ roll created the greatest art project that rock ever had. The group that defined the look and shred of punk. The Ramones had unity, short buzz-saw songs, the same haircut, leather jackets, ripped jeans, and tennis shoes. The inspired mixture of Beach Boys riffs, drug references, poverty, and nonstop, no solos, maximum rock ’n’ roll without the macho bullshit and pretend bluesiness of heavy metal. It is the funniest album about mental illness you will ever rock out to.
SMARTEST BOOK BASEBALL TEAM VI
The All-Presidential Baseball Team
Owner: GEORGE W. BUSH (1946–)
Life imitates list and vice versa. George W. wasn’t much on speechifying or even understanding
or explaining policy. But he does love the old ball game. If he had been made commissioner instead of running for president, there would be a lot more living people living.
Umpire: JIMMY CARTER (1924–)
When you win a Nobel Prize for Peace and get the Arabs and Jews to sign a peace treaty, you get to ump the game.
Manager: FDR (1882–1945)
Franklin Roosevelt couldn’t walk, but goddammit he could smoke—and try to restack the Supreme Court. A president who can get the Hoover Dam built can manage a ball team.
Catcher: TEDDY ROOSEVELT (1858–1919)
Teddy “Speak softly and carry a big stick” Roosevelt can direct the pitchers and turn the ballpark into a wildlife refuge.
First Base: RONALD REAGAN (1911–2004)
Ronnie was big, left-handed, and good-looking. All good for the first bag. Also, if we lose, he won’t remember why—he’ll just be full of team spirit. But he definitely can’t be the union rep.
Second Base: BARACK OBAMA (1961–)
Because he so easily slides to both the left and right.
Third Base: BILL CLINTON (1946–)
Willy Clinton is a great baseball name. He can handle the hot corner. Plus, third is close to the stands, so he can troll for totty.
Shortstop: ANDREW JACKSON (1767–1845)
Old Hickory was able to dig deep and move the Cherokee Nation. He can definitely dig for a grounder. Best hair ever for a president.
Right Field: DICK CHENEY (1941–)
Dick was the rightest right winger ever to darken the White House. He covered up 9/11 and started an ill-advised war with Iraq. He can surely flag a pop fly.
Center Field: JFK (1917–1963)
All the chicks can see you in center.
Left Field: EDITH WILSON, Woodrow’s wife (1872–1961)
Woodrow Wilson was so ill that Edith was de facto president for years. Our first Woman president gets to play left. You have to have a strong arm, baby.
POETRY VIII
Dante Alighieri
(c. 1265–1320)
Dante fell in love with Beatrice at first sight when he saw her as a child; then again years later wafting down the streets of Florence. He lived in a tumultuous time when the pope was fighting the emperor, and he fought and took part in politics. He was exiled and married, but he never forgot Beatrice. “Beauty of Her Face” is about longing for her. Courtly love, what we might call chaste and unrequited love, was all the rage in the thirteenth century. Dante took time out from pining for Beatrice and fighting a losing war to write what is considered to be the most magnificent achievement in Italian literature. In The Divine Comedy, Dante is your personal guide through the circles of hell, heaven, and purgatory. Written in Italian rather than in Greek or Latin (as was the custom at that time), it is a breakthrough. As T. S. Eliot said, “Dante and Shakespeare divide the world between them; there is no third.”
Beauty of Her Face
For certain he hath seen all perfectness
Who among other ladies hath seen mine:
They that go with her humbly should combine
To thank their God for such peculiar grace.
So perfect is the beauty of her face
That it begets in no wise any sigh
Of envy, but draws round her a clear line
Of love, and blessed faith, and gentleness.
Merely the sight of her makes all things bow:
Not she herself alone is holier
Than all; but hers, through her, are raised above.
From all her acts such lovely graces flow
That truly one may never think of her
Without a passion of exceeding love.
MOVIES IV
The Comedies
Rarely honored with awards, comedy may be the most popular genre. We all want to laugh even if some people insist on laughing at puerile nonsense. Comedy can be profound and moving, but the main thing is to win the crowd.
RUSHMORE
Wes Anderson, director, 1998
Rushmore is the best of director Wes Anderson’s post-Salingeresque, ’70s movie motif: vignettes, quirky lovable people, a decidedly fantasy take on school and young love and frustration and pain. A perfectly drawn little world we get to share and delight in. Max, played by Jason Schwartzman, is the most active student in his prep school, Rushmore. Not the best student, just the most enthusiastic. He writes plays based on ’70s cop movies, is a member of every club, and is involved in everything. He meets a lovely teacher, Miss Cross, the captivating and grave Olivia Williams, who is recently widowed. Max fixates on her, just like he does everything else. He saves the Latin program because of a casual comment she makes, much to the disgust of the other students. He meets Herman, the tragically awesome Bill Murray, a lonely, wealthy man who has two sons he hates at the school. They bond until Miss Cross and Herman get together, and then it is revenge of the fifteen-year-old scorned. Bill Murray made the shift from comedy star to actor in this film. There is much to his hangdog expression and eyes full of pain. Where in earlier movies Bill Murray is the kooky life of the party, in Rushmore he gets tremendous response and plays not one thing for laughs. The profound triangle twixt him, Miss Cross, and Max is at the heart of this gem. Most comedies don’t have the honesty to have adults treat the young like anything but annoyances or devices. Rushmore gives everyone equal emotional footing. The quirky, well-observed comedy has a zillion beautiful details like title cards to announce the passing of time and British Invasion music to capture the frothy feelings. Fanciful without a single tiger getting loose. This is a distinctly American comedy that will delight your heart.
WITHNAIL & I
Bruce Robinson, director, 1987
The Swinging ’60s as seen through the eyes of two actors living in dire poverty in London. They decide to sponge off Withnail’s crazy uncle Monty and spend a weekend in the country. They are utterly unprepared for what happens out there. Richard E. Grant is genius as Withnail, your worst best friend; he is vain, callous, wheedling, and hilarious. He is that friend who consumes all your drugs and then gets sick on the solvents under the sink. Paul McGann is & I (his name is never spoken), the victim of Withnail’s whims and the unwilling recipient of Monty’s lust because the ratty Withnail told his uncle he was gay. They cadge drinks, try to shoot fish, run from the locals, and create drama. Director and writer Bruce Robinson wrote this about his own life as a poor actor in London trying to survive a particularly lust-driven director and his mad roommate, Vivian MacKerell, a would-be star. If you drink along to this movie, be prepared to suffer calamitous consequences. Bonus: best drug dealer character in movie history played by Movie Helper Ralph Brown. What you have done is make your brain high—sit down, it will pass.
THE THREE MUSKETEERS
Richard Lester, director, 1973
There are a million versions of this movie, including one with Charlie Sheen as a musketeer. Dumas can be heard spinning in his grave. This ’70s classic has the most humor and captures the period with a light hand. Richard Lester directed commercials, the Beatles’ A Hard Day’s Night, and Help! He wanted the Beatles in this, but it never happened, so instead he got Faye Dunaway as the lioness Milady de Winter, the dashing Christopher Lee as Rochefort, and those are just the sexy bad guys. The mad, bad, and dangerous Oliver Reed as the self-destructive brawler Athos and, yes, Raquel Welch—boom boom out go the lights. The dwarves at the court of the French king gossip under the plates they have stacked on their heads. Torturers get caught cooking potatoes in the fire where they heat their irons. A merry-go-round run by hand. The minutiae of the period is given full flow and add to the good times. Fun and thrilling, the movie will have you sword-fighting in the halls and wearing a giant floppy hat. It is actually two movies, Three and The Four Musketeers, that were shot at the same time; they split the movies in two without telling the cast. Everyone sued everyone. Nighttime sword fights, fights in a laundry, stolen chickens—it is true to Dumas but as zany as a Beatles movie. Irr
esistible. I know there are two Richard Lester movies. Write your own damn book.
IGBY GOES DOWN
Burr Steers, director, 2002
This is written and directed by Gore Vidal’s nephew, Burr Steers (no real reason to mention that, it just seems like a cool thing to know). Kieran Culkin is hilarious as the put-upon Igby, who has been kicked out of every prep school on the East Coast. Ryan Phillippe brings it as the cold, stuffy yuppie brother who thinks he’s useless. Susan Sarandon is divine as his wealthy checked-out mother who hates him, and look for Bill Pullman as his dad in a mental hospital. Igby is a super mess but also painfully honest and pretty bright. The world is too much for him. Astutely drawn, this is a picture about emotional unavailability and the crying need to connect. The obstacles are universal: wealth, drugs, jealousy, and the lies that every family keeps like heirlooms in a strongbox. Igby wants love, but his world is about achievement and success: two things he can’t come to grips with. Jeff Goldblum, the king of Movie Helpers, plays D.H., his stepfather figure. Goldblum is an asshole banker who gets Igby a crib in New York. There Igby starts an affair with a confused girl, Claire Danes, and sleeps with D.H.’s junkie girlfriend, Amanda Peet. It gets even more complicated as the relationships change and ebb thick and fast. Drug deals, ODs, teen sex—this picture shines a more revealing light on the whole coming-of-age teen picture than a weekend at the Disney studios. Clever and morbid, utterly worthwhile.