The Smartest Book in the World
Page 19
Left Field: MONTE IRVIN (1919–)
Before Monte Irvin came to the white big leagues, he was the best left fielder for a decade in the Negro League. Missed three years serving in WWII—when he came back he hit .349, and the Newark Eagles won the pennant and beat Satchel Paige and the Monarchs in the Negro World Series. One of baseball’s great gentlemen.
PITCHERS
LEROY “SATCHEL” PAIGE (1906–1982)
The king.
RICHARD “CANNONBALL” REDDING (1890–1948)
“Cannonball” Dick Redding’s hands were so huge he could hide a baseball in his palm. He threw hard, really hard. They brought him in to pitch to young Lou Gehrig to see if he could hit big league pitching.
JOSEPH “SMOKEY JOE” WILLIAMS (1885–1951)
Smokey Joe Williams was half-black, half-Indian. He was in his forties when Satchel Paige saw him and declared, “That Joe could throw harder than anybody.” Pitched a no-hitter at fifty-two. That is bad to the bone. His earlier nickname was “Cyclone Joe.” You can figure out why.
CHARLES WILBER “BULLET” ROGAN (1893–1967)
“Bullet” Joe Rogan didn’t start pitching till age twenty-seven. He was a huge ace and also very fast. He led the league in steals at forty.
RELIEVER
HILTON LEE SMITH (1907–1983)
He had the fortune to be on the Monarchs with Paige and had the mixed fortune to be the man who came in and finished after Satchel threw the first three innings. A great pitcher, with or without Paige.
MOVIES V
The Sidney Lumet Corner
Martin Scorsese and Francis Ford Coppola are revered for their early work and quite rightly so, but Sidney Lumet stands with them in every way. He started as a child actor, and then a stage and TV director. His first film, 12 Angry Men, is the story of a jury and the conclusions they jump to based on race and class. Lumet made it from TV to movies with that one and then made more than forty films outside the gates of Hollywood. Which made him distinct and kept his work singularly focused. A New Yorker, humanist, and moralist, Lumet captures a world filled with corrupt cops, crusading bank robbers, and people fighting a terrible system. These are the best of his best.
DOG DAY AFTERNOON
1975
Al Pacino is Sonny, and John Cazale is Sal. They are robbing a bank in New York on a hot summer day. But it all goes mad from the start. The robbery becomes a media circus, a cause célèbre, and finally a cry for help. Sonny has a wife, kids, and a boyfriend who needs a sex change; that’s why they are pulling the heist. The sweaty emotional honesty of the characters has you rooting for the crooks. Pacino towers in this role as a bisexual bank robber and Vietnam vet. Cazale’s short Movie Helper career is written in the stars; he played in only a few movies (The Godfather I and II, The Conversation, Dog Day Afternoon, and Deer Hunter), but all were Best Picture material. This is one of the most powerful films of the ’70s.
NETWORK
1976
You’re television incarnate, Diana, indifferent to suffering, insensitive to joy. All of life is reduced to the common rubble of banality.
—William Holden, Network
Shocking parody of TV that anticipates the dominance of reality shows and the commercialization of news as entertainment. Howard Beale (Peter Finch in his last role) is a raving-mad news anchor getting high ratings for his ranting. Diana (Faye Dunaway) is an insanely ambitious exec who convinces the boss to let her have Howard Beale and turn the news into a reality show with horoscopes, court TV, and Beale as a mad prophet. She also signs an active terrorist group to a reality show deal. Meanwhile, Max (William Holden) is Howard’s boss and lifelong friend. He hates what’s happening but still breaks up his marriage by having an affair with Diana. Sharp, pointed, caustic, and brilliantly acted. Peter Finch, Faye Dunaway, and Beatrice Straight (who plays Holden’s wife) all copped statues. This picture calls out TV for what it is: a soulless vortex of greed and advertising. Stinging.
SERPICO
1973
Every cop in New York is on the take except Frank Serpico (Al Pacino), and the rest of the NYPD would rather see him die than stand by while he blows the whistle on them. Gritty and uncompromising, Pacino is dogged in being the only good guy in a rotten world, subtle and sincere in the days when he specialized in that. This is also a true story of uncovering corruption and how the forces that be conspire and react with deadly force.
THE VERDICT
1982
Lumet takes on the law and legality. Paul Newman shines as a drunk ambulance-chasing lawyer who gets tipped to an easy, open-and-shut medical malpractice case, but his conscience is awoken when he sees the victim in a coma and decides to do the right thing. Everyone is against him: the Catholic Church, the other legal team, even his girlfriend. A stirring courtroom drama that rages against the legal system and takes on life and death. Lumet hits a home run by casting Newman against his usual confident persona.
THE SMARTEST DRUGS IN THE WORLD
Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
—Robin Williams
I think that everything should be made available to everybody, and I mean LSD, cocaine, codeine, grass, opium, the works. Nothing on earth available to any man should be confiscated and made unlawful by other men in more seemingly powerful and advantageous positions.
—Charles Bukowski
Drugs have a bad reputation. Drugs mean people are dangerous and irresponsible. This is puritanical nonsense. Drugs have done everything from cause Louis Armstrong to invent jazz to make Maya Angelou outstrip you in every field of endeavor. President Obama said he regretted doing drugs, that they were bad. Obviously, they messed up his life; he ended up with the menial job of Leader of the Free World. President Clinton said he didn’t inhale and was impeached. W. Bush said he didn’t remember if he did cocaine; that is not something one forgets, because coke does not just do itself. Elaborate measures are required. First, you have to go to an asshole’s house to get it. Even if you are a prince.
Everyone is on drugs. Your doctor, your friends, your doctor’s friends, a certain author. Governments conduct wars on drugs. This is so they can waste tax money and shoot the poor with impunity. Many jobs have drug testing. No heads of corporations have to take a drug test. This is so people will feel awful about themselves and their awful bloody jobs and want to take drugs. Drugs don’t make the users illogical. They make the people who want to monitor the users illogical. Remember: only users lose drugs, so make sure you have a safe place where you won’t forget.
Maybe drugs just need a new name. We’ll call them cat snacks instead. Are you holding any kitty snickers? How much for a dime bag of cat snackies? You know what would make that Daft Punk show even better or even good? A couple of snacks de chat. Here are some of The Smartest Book’s favorite kitten friskies:
Weed
Being high is fun. TV is watchable sorta. Books are fascinating. Butterflies whisper messages if you smoke enough. There is being high and not being high. You have been not high. Try being high. Don’t use if it makes you paranoid. But then just remember: it’s you, not them. Well, I guess it could be them.
Hash
Weed’s exotic cousin. Make sure you have a colorful hat and a rug to nap on. Order the dates with bacon. Stop using if you start chanting.
Cocaine
Use only if you have an evening to ruin. You will not meet the right kind of people. If you think they are the right kind of people, then coke has fooled you.
Heroin
Oxymoronic paired with “chic.” Only fun in fiction. No one who has ever done it recommends it as a party starter. Have a drink instead and read about it.
Meth
Use only for short bursts of mania. Desist if you feel the inclination to shoot a road sign.
Xanax
Use when directed to. Makes flying less stressful. Makes work groovy. With wine makes Bravo genius.
Codeine
Use only unt
il you run out. Don’t call me crying.
Molly
We think it is the same as Ecstasy. Maybe it’s our age.
Ecstasy
Ecstasy is better as a state than a drug. Hydrate often.
LSD
Best in a safe place like the beach at night. Or under a blanket fort. Listen to Bebel Gilberto bossa nova jams. This will calm you.
Mushrooms
Go to a park. Bring a kite. Meet the lower-flying deities on their own terms. Hydrate with magic tea.
Miao Miao
We are too old to consider snorfing this. Do not ingest anything you can buy on a Dutch website.
Laudanum
You are a nineteenth-century author. Write an epic poem with “Xanadu” in it.
SMARTEST BOOK BASEBALL TEAM IX
Dictators Baseball Team
Dictators have it tough. They have to be strong but are misunderstood by the innocent people they slaughter and oppress. Paradoxically, they hold together some nations with an iron will and law and order, but when those nations are set to take leave of them, all hell breaks loose like Marshal Tito in the Balkans or Saddam Hussein in Iraq. It is difficult not to make sport of them as they are like a morbid funhouse version of our so-called leaders. If Dick Cheney wore a funny hat and a leopard dashiki, we might all be laughing instead of looking over our shoulders. Let’s round up these scoundrels and make a pennant contender out of them. Raise the flag, hide your dissidents, and let’s play ball.
Manager: ADOLF HITLER (1889–1945)
The most overused figure in history. The left use him to represent madness, genocide, and fascism; the right, to represent anything they disagree with. He was a sad, mediocre, freaky sadist, lousy artist, pedestrian soldier, maniacal, one-gonad, flatulent vegetarian who abused his niece so much she took her own life. He loved his dog and hated his spongy nephew Willy who, for real, came to New York and tried to break into society on his uncle’s hot name. Dolf managed because Germany got organized fast and in short time did what Napoleon tried to do (beat up Europe), but then he made the same mistake of taking on Russia in winter. Hitler will have his coaches whip this team into shape. When he gets angry, he will toss the vegetarian buffet over. Then try to beat the Reds.
Catcher: MANUEL NORIEGA (1934–)
One of the great Reagan/Bush era drugs-for-guns-and-money dictators. He ruled Panama and rigged every election; this cat can call a game. He was hounded out of his compound by U.S. forces blaring loud rock music, including Van Halen. He can definitely deal with the racket of a Fourth of July doubleheader. No need to drug test; he is super positive. The first foreign leader to be convicted in a U.S. court, this is a catcher who will get the most out of instant replay. No small nugget will get by him.
First Base: RAFAEL TRUJILLO (1891–1961)
Part of that legendary all-star team of Latin American dictators with Pinilla from Colombia and the Somozas in Nicaragua, Trujillo ruled the Dominican Republic with brutal efficiency. Slaughtered loads of people, including the Haitians, who lived next door. He also hired Satchel Paige and a group of black stars to play for him in the ’30s. He loved the game almost as much as stealing and cruising in his blue Chevy Bel Air. Alas, it was in the Bel Air that he was assassinated. Trujillo will keep runners close to the bag. With ruthless force if necessary.
Second Base: NAPOLEON BONAPARTE (1769–1821)
Napoleon wasn’t as short as rumored, more like close to 5'7", but he was as ambitious. As a young officer, he took initiative and ran with it. He was impatient at his own coronation and grabbed the crown before the pope could place it on his head and made himself emperor. Hits up the middle are nothing to him. He withstood Prussian guns, so he can take a hard slide and turn the pivot. You can bench him; he is used to exile. He may just come charging back out of the dugout and take over the world in between innings.
Third Base: SUHARTO (1921–2008)
The dictator of Indonesia for thirty-two years. Because his reign coincided with the Vietnam War and he was not a commie, we gave him billions of dollars, all of which he absconded with. He gradually took over for Sukarno when a coup failed, so he has the soft hands needed for third. As far as gobbling up grounders, when he died it is said that he had embezzled somewhere between 15 and 35 billion clams, so he can suck it up hard. Toward the end after he stepped down, he said he was ill, but everyone saw him golfing and jogging so he is game-fit. A thief to catch line drives down the left-leaning line.
Shortstop: FERDINAND MARCOS (1917–1989)
Shifty and self-serving, he is perfect to run into the hole for a grab. He perfected stealing, and his wife, Imelda, can be the equipment manager. She famously owned several skyscrapers and thousands of pairs of shoes. Marcos claimed to have fought the Japanese as a guerrilla during WWII, but guess what? He lied; he was, after all, a full-on lawyer. His wicked ways mean hot defense.
Left Field: VLADIMIR LENIN (1870–1924)
The Lefty’s lefty. Born to play the wall and fervent in his belief. Demanded absolute silence while he worked, so let’s make some noise and inspire him to madness out there in the green acres. The man who gave us the Red Terror, purges, and the execution of the Romanovs can cut runners down at the plate with his strong arm.
Center Field: AUGUSTO PINOCHET (1915–2006)
Pinochet seized power from the legally elected president Salvador Allende and had him aced. The general will not be shy in the vast reaches of center. Backed by the U.S., he willingly takes support and is a team player. Do not argue with him, or you will find yourself disappeared. Looks great in a uniform. He gets the call. If it is a blooper, he will junta it down.
Right Field: IDI AMIN (1925–2003)
His Excellency President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular can now add right fielder. He was a notorious butcher and strongman. He rose through the ranks of the British Colonial Empire Army and snuck into power while the leader Obote was abroad. He has the wiles to play the far reaches of the park with all its quirks. Spent his last days with our staunch allies the Saudis so he could relax in the sun. The lord of the beasts will now be lord of the flies.
Pitcher: FIDEL CASTRO (1926–)
Castro, strangely a righty, was known to throw a hard curve. If we had let him play, all this might never have happened. Legend is he tried out with the Yankees or Senators. He mythically turned down a $5,000 bonus to sign with the Giants—ten years later: pow, bang, ouch. Of course, he should have pitched for the Reds. Then the revolution may have gone down quite differently. Cuba regularly drubs international squads while maintaining Castro’s horrible policy that forces Cuban players to defect. Castro once suggested that Jeb Bush, President George W’s brother, could lose some weight, so leadership is not an issue. He is the obvious starter as the most famous baseball-playing aficionado dictator of all time.
Relief Pitcher: JOSEF STALIN (1878–1953)
He is the ultimate stopper. Of humanity.
Designated Hitter: CHAIRMAN MAO (1893–1976)
He took the Long March, he slammed his people with the Cultural Revolution, he chased girls on the road. He was built to smoke in the clubhouse and then get out there and take his cuts. He wrote the Little Red Rulebook.
POETRY XI
Inuit Poetry
(Seventeenth Century)
The Inuit (Eskimos, as we have called them), were a nomadic hunter society that developed an oral tradition of singing to explore the vagaries of life and nature. Zealous missionaries put their bloody paws all over it, but certain elements survive to this day. We, the moderns and the citified, are not the only ones to feel the futility of our time here.
Inuit Song
The great sea has set me in motion.
Set me adrift,
And I move as a weed in the river.
The arch of sky
And mightiness of
storms
Encompasses me,
And I am left
Trembling with joy
Song by a Woman
Long will be my journey
on the earth.
It seems as if
I’ll never get beyond
the footprints that I make . . .
MUSIC V
Country & Western
This is white people’s blues. Our understanding is that every single country artist has been visited by the same world of hurt. Their truck simply will not start, and it is not at all certain their dog is going to survive either, and their Woman has done left them. As a result of these horrible, hideous, unforeseeable circumstances that fate has dealt them, they gots to go to the honky-tonk all night long. No golden ray of sunshine beams down upon this world. Theirs is an unceasing veil of tears. Jolly for us their own respite is to give voice to their troubles in song.