by Greg Proops
Will and Ariel Durant are the great humanists of historians. They always emphasize the role of the powerful over the weak. We used Volumes 2 (The Life of Greece) and 3 (Caesar and Christ) of their gigantic eleven-volume The Story of Civilization for the chapters on Alexander and Julius Caesar.
As for general history, Lies My Teacher Told Me by James W. Loewen is a blinders-off look at American “history.” The kind we were fed because it sounded better than the truth. Of course, A People’s History of the United States by Howard Zinn will set you straight on what really happened to the poor and disenfranchised, and will have you marching in the streets with a picket sign in a minute. The singer, author, and educator Gil Scott-Heron has a revealing biography called The Last Holiday that takes you way past the music and has great asides, such as that Bob Marley was kind of a knob sometimes. Flashy feminist bad-ass Florynce Kennedy wrote a biography that has her wearing a cowboy hat and flipping the bird on the cover called Color Me Flo: My Hard Life and Good Times. Similar to Ms. Kennedy herself, it is hard to beat for honesty about race and sex in America. Passing It On by Yuri Kochiyama is a memoir of a life-long activist and a warning against complacency.
Movies are quite personal. One individual’s Godfather is another person’s Coyote Ugly. A lifetime of being a fan is all I can plead. I was the movie critic for my high school paper. It was the mid-’70s and a great time for pictures, and I remember reviewing Young Frankenstein and The Three Musketeers and having a huge crush on Faye Dunaway and Cybill Shepherd.
Most of the films in this book have been shown at The Greg Proops Film Club, which is a monthly happening at Cinefamily in fabulous Hollywood in the gracious overpriced athletic-shoe district.
Easy Riders, Raging Bulls by Peter Biskind is the funnest kind of film book, druggy and gossipy with lots of references to great movies like Chinatown and Mean Streets. Can you discuss film without Pauline Kael? Her For Keeps: 30 Years at the Movies is one million pages and worth it for the fights you will have with her in your head. Making Movies by Sidney Lumet is how he did it in a book. Perfect for intermission.
Jennifer Canaga, the illustrator and my erstwhile child bride, has hipped me to most of the literature and movies and artwork found in this book. We came up with the idea of stealing art while at the Musée Marmottan Monet. The car park is located right below and it would have been nothing to pitch a priceless painting out the window while I pretended to have a seizure and our confederates stole away into the Parisian night. Alas, we stayed on the narrow. Jennifer has of course changed my outlook on life, and this book would never have happened without her support. She was the one who convinced me to do a podcast, and she is actually well read. As opposed to my glib horizontal knowledge of junk and stuff and things no one likes.
Erik Estrada is still handsome and lives in Hollywood Hills.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
The Smartest Book wishes to thank the following people for getting this thing done:
Jennifer Canaga, my beloved wife, collaborator, and illustrator of this book. She does the research, plants the ideas, and anything cool is her doing. You are the Smartest Woman in the World. You are the reason. Eternally.
David Tochterman, the man who made this happen.
Matthew Benjamin, who drove me like a chariot. You are a mensch.
Elaine Wilson, who had to read this more than anyone.
Matt Belknap, for convincing me to do the podcast. You were right.
Ryan McManemin, for convincing me to do the podcast. You were right as well.
Lee Kernis, for managing.
Bob Voice and Nicola Hobbs, for always believing.
Hadrian Belove and Bret Berg at Cinefamily, for encouraging us to show pictures for the Greg Proops Film Club.
Troy Conrad, for being so cool and caring.
Andrew Strapp, for his generosity.
Linda Sawicki, for her perseverance.
Thanks for the love, way love you back: Ryan Stiles, Drew Carey, Doug Benson, Phil Beauman, Chris Hardwick, Nick Franglen, Tom Sawyer, Will and Debi Durst, Warren Thomas, Lauretta Feldman, Paul Provenza, Justin Edbrooke, Rich Super, Joe Rogan, Molly Schminke, Adam Carolla, Jay Mohr, Jessica Herman-Weitz, Jen Kirkman, Greg Fitzsimmons, Kevin Pollack, Jackie Kashian, Allison Rosen, Jeff Davis, Jimmy Dore, David Feldman, Ric Overton, Nick Jones, Alex Gaylon, Scott McGee, Dan Patterson, Tom Fineman, and Mark Leveson.
All the lovely kittens who have come to and listened to my podcast and given me more than I will ever be able to thank you for, you mean the world to me.
Kittens McTavish, I don’t need you. Thanks, but.
May every Paige you turn be a Satchel Paige, may every Bell that rings be a Cool Papa Bell, and if you must buy bonds, make sure they are Barry Bonds.
GREG PROOPS is a stand-up comic from San Francisco, best known for his unpredictable appearances on Whose Line Is It Anyway? Mr. Proops records the chart-topping and much-celebrated “The Smartest Man in the World” podcast live from around the world and, somehow, Cleveland. Mr. Proops has also been a voice actor in Star Wars: Episode I—The Phantom Menace and was Bob in Bob the Builder. He lives in Hollywood. It’s not that bad, really. You can find him at Gregproops.com.
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Smartestbookintheworld.com
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INDEX
A note about the index: The pages referenced in this index refer to the page numbers in the print edition. Clicking on a page number will take you to the ebook location that corresponds to the beginning of that page in the print edition. For a comprehensive list of locations of any word or phrase, use your reading system’s search function.
Aaron, Henry, 105
adore, 15
Alexander the Great, 2, 47-53
All About Eve (movie), 31-32
All-Baseball Baseball Team, 103-8
All-Presidential Baseball Team, 191-93
All-Time British Monarchy Baseball Team, 181-84
All-Time Controversial Team, 135-40
All-Time Negro League Team, 239-43
Amin, Idi, 256-57
ancient history, 1-3
Alexander the Great, 47-53
Julius Caesar, 159-65
Roman Emperor Top Nine, 167-69
Anderson, Wes, 197-98
Andress, Ursula, 39
Anthony, Susan B., 218
Aristotle, 47, 50
art, 8
I Wish I Had the Balls to Steal, 279-90
Augustus, 162, 167
Band, The Band, 267-68
Bankhead, Tallulah, 27, 90
Bardot, Brigitte, 38
Barnes, Djuna, 132-33
Nightwood, 132-33
baseball, 4-5
All-Baseball Baseball Team, 103-8
All-Presidential Baseball Team, 191-93
All-Time British Monarchy Baseball Team, 181-84
All-Time Controversial Team, 135-40
All-Time Negro League Team, 239-43
birth of, 76-78
Bombshells, Doxies, and Dames Baseball Club, 35-44
Dictators Baseball Club, 253-57
early heroes of, 78-80
free agency, 95
history of, 73-98
Negro Leagues, 221-33, 239-43
Satchel Paige, 221-37
poetry, 99-102
Roman Emperor Top Nine, 167-69
twentieth-century, 80-97
What the Evil Old White Man Did, 203-
6
Women in History Baseball Team, 217-20
See also specific players
Bashō, Matsuo, 215-16
Baudelaire, Charles, 55-56
“Cats,” 56
Bauer, Wolfgang, 127
The Feverhead, 127
Beatles, 114-15
Bell, James Thomas, “Cool Papa,” 241
Bench, Johnny, 103
Bergman, Ingmar, 179
Bierce, Ambrose, The Devil’s Dictionary, 13, 18
Bigelow, Kathryn, 113-14
Big Sleep, The (movie), 32-33
bitch, 22
Blake, William, 207-11
“Auguries of Innocence,” 207-11
Bolan, Marc, 141-42
Bombshells, Doxies, and Dames Baseball Club, 35-44
Bonaparte, Napoleon, 255
Bonds, Barry, 75-76, 90, 96, 107, 138, 204, 205
bon mot, 16
books, 10-11
Little Book of Book Reviews, 117-33
Bourgeois, Louise, Maman, 283
British Monarchy Baseball Team, All-Time, 181-84
Browning, Pete, 79-80
Bruckman, Clyde, 200-201
buddy movies, 109-15
Bukowski, Charles, 249
Bulgakov, Mikhail, 124-25
The Master and Margarita, 124-25
Bush, George W., 191, 249
paintings by, 290
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (movie), 110-11
Caesar, Julius, 159-65, 167
Caligula, 169
Campanella, Roy, 108
Cardinale, Claudia, 39
Carrington, Leonora, El Mundo Mágico de Los Mayas, 286-87
Carter, Jimmy, 191
Casablanca (movie), 25-26
Cash, Johnny, Live at Folsom Prison, 262-64
Castro, Fidel, 257
cat, 17
Cazale, John, 245, 246
Celebration, The (movie), 176-77
Charles, Ray, Modern Sounds in Country and Western Music, 261-62
Charles I, King of England, 182
Charleston, Oscar McKinley, 241
Chase, Hal, 136-37
Cheney, Dick, 193
Clash, London Calling, 188
classic movies, 25-33
Clemente, Roberto, 107
Cleopatra, 2, 50, 159, 162, 163, 164
Cliff, Jimmy, 269
Clinton, Bill, 192, 249
Clinton, Hillary, 219
Cobb, Ty, 80, 81-82, 83, 92, 138, 241
cocaine, 251
codeine, 251
Colette, 131-32
Chéri, 131-32
comedy films, 197-201
Commandments, Proops, 1-11
Conrad, Joseph, 126-27
Heart of Darkness, 126-27
Constantine the Great, 169
Controversial Team, All-Time, 135-40
country & western music, 261-64
Crumley, James, 122-23
Dancing Bear, 122-23
Curie, Marie, 218
Curtiz, Michael, 25-26
Dante Alighieri, 195-96, 207
“Beauty of Her Face,” 195-96
Davis, Miles, Birth of the Cool, 273-74
Dean, Dizzy, 85-86, 225-27, 237
Defeo, Jay, The Rose, 281
Depression, 85-87, 221, 227
Dickinson, Emily, 265-66
“Hope” is the thing with feathers, 265-66
Dictators Baseball Team, 253-57
DiMaggio, Joe, 86, 91, 103, 105, 230
Dobson, Tamara, 42
Dog Day Afternoon (movie), 245-46
Dolce Vita, La (movie), 175
Donatello, David, 288
drugs, 11, 249-52
Duren, Ryne, 140
Durocher, Leo, 73, 137
Dylan, Bob, 213, 267
Blood on the Tracks, 214
Eckersley, Dennis, 107
Ecstasy, 252
Edward III the Confessor, King of England, 182
egregious, 20-21
Egypt, 49, 52, 53, 163, 164
Elgin Marbles, 289
Elizabeth, Her Majesty, the Queen Mother, 184
Elizabeth I, Queen of England, 181
Elizabeth II, Queen of England, 183
ellipses, 65
epic, 22-23
Ethelred II the Unready, King, 182
Eskimo poetry, 259-60
exclamation point, 63-64
Eyes Without a Face (movie), 178
fantastic, 14
Faulkner, William, 1
Fellini, Federico, 175
feminist, 17
Ferlinghetti, Lawrence, 5
Fingers, Rollie, 107
Fitzgerald, Ella, The Complete Ella Fitzgerald Song Books, 274-75
Fitzgerald, F. Scott, 64, 119-20
The Great Gatsby, 119-20
Flaubert, Gustave, 10
folk music, 213-14
Ford, Betty, 219
foreign films, 175-78
Foster, Andrew “Rube,” 239
400 Blows, The (movie), 177-78
Franju, Georges, 178
Franklin, Aretha, 60
Lady Soul, 60
freedom, 18
Gardner, Ava, 41-42
Garvey, Steve, 137
Gaye, Marvin, 57-58, 59
What’s Goin’ On, 57-58
Gehrig, Lou, 104, 242
General, The (movie), 200-201
George III, King of England, 183
George VI, King of England, 183
Gershwin, Ira, 274
Giamatti, A. Bartlett, 93
Gibson, Bob, 91-92, 106, 139
Gibson, Josh, 225, 233, 235, 239, 240
Gilda (movie), 30-31, 37
glam rock, 141-43
Gossage, Richard “Goose,” 140
Grand Illusion, The (movie), 28-29
Grant, Frank, 240
Graves, Robert, 122
I, Claudius, 122
Greece, 47-53
Greenlee, Gus, 223-24
Grier, Pam, 40
groovy, 19
Hadrian, 168-69
Hard Day’s Night, A (movie), 114-15
Harder They Come, The (soundtrack), 269
hash, 250
Hawks, Howard, 32-33
Hayworth, Rita, 30, 37
Heliogabalus, 168
Hendrix, Jimi, Are You Experienced?, 268-69
Henry VIII, King of England, 181
heroin, 251
Herrera, Petra, 151-52
Hill, George Roy, 110-11
hipster, 22
Hitchcock, Alfred, 27-28
Hitler, Adolf, 253-54
Holden, William, 246
Hornsby, Rogers, Sr., 137
Huston, John, 112-13
Hypatia of Alexandria, 217-18
iconoclast, 21
Igby Goes Down (movie), 199-200
incontestable, 15
Inuit poetry, 259-60
“Inuit Song,” 259
“Song by a Woman,” 260
Irvin, Monte, 241, 242
Jackson, Andrew, 192
Jackson, Reggie, 95, 138
James, King of England, 181
Japan, 215
jazz, 273-77
Jeter, Derek, 108
Joan of Arc, 218
Johnson, Walter, 106
Johnson, William Julius “Judy,” 240
Jolie, Angelina, 44
Jones, Harris “Mother,” 220
Keaton, Buster, 200-201
Kelly, Ellsworth, The Chicago Panels, 280-81
Kennedy, Florynce, 145-47
Kennedy, John F., 5, 193
kittens, 19
kleptocracy, 15-16
Kochiyama, Yuri, 152-54
Koufax, Sandy, 105-6
Lamarr, Hedy, 38
Laudanum, 252
Lenin, Vladimir, 256
Leonard, Walter Fenner “Buck,” 240
Leshan Giant Buddha, The, 285
Lester, Richard, 114-15, 199
Lifeboat (movie), 27-28
Little Book of Book Reviews, 117-33
Lives of Others, The (movie), 176
Lloyd, John Henry “Pop,” 240
Loren, Sophia, 35, 41
love, 20
Lovelace, Ada, 147-49
LSD, 252
Lumet, Sidney, 245-47
Maalouf, Amin, 118-19
The Rock of Tanios, 118-19
Macedonia, 47-53
Malinche, La, 219
manbag, 19
manbranch, 19-20
Mankiewicz, Joseph L., 31-32
Mankiller, Wilma, 149-51
Mansfield, Jayne, 43
Mantle, Mickey, 86, 90-91, 96, 103, 105, 107
Man Who Would Be King, The (movie), 112-13
Mao, Chairman, 257
Marcos, Ferdinand, 255-56
Marcus Aurelius, 168
Martin, Alfred “Billy,” 136
Mary, Queen of Scots, 182
Mayfield, Curtis, 59
Superfly, 59
Mays, Carl, 139
Mays, Willie, 74, 86, 90, 91, 105, 137, 235, 241
McCarthy, Cormac, 117-18
Blood Meridian, 117-18
McCovey, Willie, 74, 75, 108
McGraw, John Joseph, 73, 135-36
McGraw, Tug, 221
Melville, Jean-Pierre, 179
meth, 251
Miao Miao, 252
Mitchell, Joni, Court and Spark, 213-14
Molly, 252
Monroe, Marilyn, 43, 275
Morgan, Little Joe, 104
movies, 3-4
blaxploitation, 59
Bombshells, Doxies, and Dames Baseball Club, 35-44
buddy, 109-15
classics, 25-33
comedies, 197-201
foreign, 175-79
Sidney Lumet, 245-47
See also specific movies
Mühe, Ulrich, 176
Mullane, Tony, 79
Munch, Edvard, The Scream, 287
Munson, Thurman, 136
mushrooms, 252
music, 6-7
country & western, 261-64
folk, 213-14
glam rock, 141-43
jazz, 273-77
punk, 187-89
rock and reggae, 267-69
soul and R&B, 57-61
Mutis, Álvaro, 128
The Adventures and Misadventures of Maqroll, 128
Negro League Team, All-Time, 239-43