The Less You Know the Sounder You Sleep

by Juliet Butler

  I like washing things. I like to be useful. I’d like to spend my whole life washing Slava’s clothes for him … Masha’s just dabbling her hands in the water, seeing if any fish will come up and nibble her.

  ‘Dashulya! Dashinka!’ We both turn to see Lyuda scooting down the dock on her trolley. ‘Guess what? Guess what?!’

  ‘What?’ we say together.

  ‘Slava’s come! Slava’s here! He’s just come with his dad, in the sidecar of his motorbike.’

  Slava!

  We jump up so fast I almost lose all the clothes in the river. Slava!

  I can see him. He’s there, under the pine trees with all the kids around him, talking away at him, and laughing like mad. We jump up and run to him, pushing through the others, and then just stand there panting, looking at him.

  ‘What’s up, Peanut?’ says Masha, all cool and everything, but really excited too. ‘Been a bad boy?’

  ‘Nah, what the hell, it was boring back home. My brother’s got a bicycle now, so he was never there, and if I poked my nose out the door, the village kids chucked stones at me … you know how it is …’ We don’t because we’ve never lived on the Outside, so we haven’t been stoned yet, but I nod my head all over the place. ‘Sooo …’ he goes on, and then shoots me that dark look of his that makes my insides turn over and over, and his mouth turns up in a smile, ‘so, that gets a bit boring after a while …’ I nod again and think my heart’s going to burst right out of my chest, it suddenly seems so big. So big that it’s swallowed up the big black hole that’s been in there all summer. ‘Yeah, so I thought it’d be more fun here. Right, Dasha?’

  I nod again, smiling all over my face. ‘Right, Slava.’

  The best day of my life: Slava rows us out on to the Don and kisses me

  The next day’s a Sunday, and it’s so beautiful I can hardly believe it. We’re sitting under the pines with Olessya and Boris. And Slava. He chucks a pine cone at the small wooden Rescue boat which is rocking a little way out.

  ‘Why don’t we take the row boat out?’ he says.

  ‘No one can row,’ says Olessya. ‘The Educators said if you can row, you can take it out, but none of us can.’

  ‘Of course, Masha here told them she could,’ says Big Boris. ‘So her and Dasha sat in it, and went round and round in circles, bashing each other on the head with the oars, while the Educators stood on the shore laughing their heads off.’

  ‘I was just getting the hang of it when they pulled us back in! It was worth a try though – you know what they say: you can’t fetch wood if you don’t go into the forest.’

  ‘I can row,’ says Slava. ‘Dad taught me on the pond in our village.’

  We all stare at him, then Masha yells: ‘Ooorrah! – I’m going boating!’ We jump up and run off to get changed into our bikinis while the two boys go and ask for the oars. Ten minutes later he’s rowing us out into the Don with the Educators standing watching, to make sure he does know how to do it, from the bank. And he does. He’s just in his shorts and he’s got these big muscles in his shoulders and arms. He rows really well.

  The water’s flat as glass, and to start off with, we’re all whooping and splashing each other as we go further and further out into the wide river, watching the bank growing smaller and smaller. The Educators turn and go back into the woods, leaving us. It seems to me we’re rowing away from the world, right out into real Russia where everyone else lives, able to go wherever they want, whenever they want.

  It’s strange, but when we went from the walled school to the fenced camp, it was sort of like being taken from one enclosure to another. But now I feel free, right out in the open. Slava stows the oars and we all lie back, Big Boris and Olessya at the front are curled up in each other’s arms, and me and Masha are at the back. Some geese fly overhead in a V shape, flapping their wings with a whooshing sound, flying away. I close my eyes and wonder if Slava’s watching me.

  After what seems like hours, I open my eyes again. Masha’s asleep with her head half hanging over the edge of the boat. Olessya and Big Boris are asleep too. Slava’s not. He’s looking at me. Then very quietly he moves over towards me, still looking at me all the time. He pushes in next to me, the other side to Masha, not waking her. I can feel his warm, bare skin on mine and I sort of gasp. I don’t mean to, but I can’t help it. He makes me tingly and melting and throbbing all at the same time. He keeps just looking at me, like he can’t ever get enough of looking, and then he tilts his head towards me and his lips touch the corner of mine, and then he kisses me little by little, over and over on my lips and my nose and my cheeks. My whole body goes limp, and even though his lips are cool, they burn my skin. He puts his hand round my neck and pulls me in to him, so I can smell his sweat and his breath all mixed up with mine. It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before; it’s a million times better than anything I’ve ever felt before! Everyone’s right: sex is the best thing ever! His fingers push under my bikini top and touch my nipple … I want to explode. I’m throbbing in between our legs where my peezdets is. I can’t breathe, my heart’s pounding and pounding …

  ‘Ei! Ei! Ei! What?! Cut it out, Moodak!’ Masha’s woken up. We weren’t touching her or anything, it must have been my stupid, stupid heart banging through to her. ‘Leave my sister alone, you horny bastard,’ she yells, pushing him off me. ‘Or you’ll get an oar up your arse!’

  He looks like he wants to kill her then. She knocks him into the bottom of the boat and he glares at her with his lips tight closed, breathing through his nose. Then he puts his head in his hands and closes his eyes, and just sits there, still breathing hard. Olessya and Big Boris have woken up but they’re not saying anything, just watching us. After a bit Slava looks up, and he’s different. He’s in control again. ‘Oh yeah,’ he says, pulling himself on to the middle seat, ‘and how you gonna row back then, Chimp?’

  ‘You’ll just have to paddle with your arse,’ says Masha, calming down too when she sees he’s not going to get into a fight about it. ‘C’mon, get back to your work post, and we’ll go catch some crayfish.’

  Later on that evening, Masha and me are sitting behind our tent. She’s trying to carve her name into the bark with a fork but I can hardly see what she’s doing, I’m so happy I just feel like laughing all the time, like it’s all bubbling inside and trying to pop out in loads of little laugh bubbles. He kissed me! He kissed me! I’m still tingling all over, right from the soles of my feet, and every time I remember him starting in to kiss me on the corner of my lips, my stomach flips right over and sends sparks all through me. And this is only the start, the girls say. It gets better and better until you just explode in pure pleasure … I can’t imagine anything being better than this, but I can’t wait. I hug myself, all smiling inside.

  Masha stops stabbing the bark and looks at me. ‘So,’ she says. ‘Trying to sneak some Do It time with Peanut, were you?’

  ‘It was just a kiss, Mashinka. You kiss all sorts of boys and I don’t mind. Not at all.’

  ‘That’s not real kisses. That’s just to keep them sweet.’ She stabs at the bark again. ‘So. Just to make it clear, don’t even think about having real Do It time, right? I mean, apart from the fact you’ll kill us, what am I supposed to do? I can’t send you off into a corner, can I? I can’t close my eyes and think of Lenin, can I?’

  I stare at her then, and it’s as if all the air has been thumped right out of my body. Like she’s just thumped me hard in the chest. I can’t breathe.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Yeah. I’ve been thinking about it. I don’t want you having some boy climbing all over me to satisfy his needs with you and leave us in a pool of blood.’

  I get my breath back and stare at her, feeling sick. I can’t not have him, now I’ve had some of him, I can’t, I can’t! The more I think about what Zinaida said, the more I think it’s a lie. I know it’s a lie. I’ve told Masha that. I’ve told her Zinaida thinks only Healthies should have sex. ‘It’s not some boy, Masha
, it’s only Slava, and it’s my needs, and, like I said, there’s two of us down there. You can’t feel it when I touch mine, we’ve tried. It wouldn’t be you, Masha, it would be me. You must let me, you must, you don’t understand how—’

  She pushes the fork into my arm. ‘Listen, you. I’m saying this once. I’m not having you Doing It with anyone. Not Peanut. Not anyone. Got it?’

  I don’t even nod. I hate her. Why do I always have to do what she says? I hate her. I put my head in my hands. I’ll never talk to her again. She can’t make me not make love to him. She can’t. She can’t!

  Can she?

  September 1966

  We go on a trip to the zoo

  ‘The zoo! The zoo! We’re going to the zoo!’ Masha jumps out of bed and starts pulling on our clothes. ‘I want to see the snakes and crocodiles the most – do you think there’ll be crocodiles, Aunty Zoya? Do you?’

  The nanny, Aunty Zoya, nods and smiles. ‘Wouldn’t be surprised, Mashinka, there might be bears and tigers too, so you’d better keep your distance.’ She picks Little Lyuda up under her arm to take her down to breakfast and looks back over her shoulder before she goes down the stairs. ‘You’ll make a nice double helping if that lot gets peckish.’

  ‘Make sure they don’t put you in with the chimps, Mash!’ shouts Little Lyuda as she’s carried down.

  We’ve been back in school for three weeks now. Slava stayed in camp until we all left, but Masha watched us like a wolf with two goats, and made sure she never dozed off again. I don’t care. Slava likes me. That’s all that matters. I’ll find a way to get round Masha. I must. I just must. Slava looks at me now in this hot, hungry, secret way. But only when Masha’s not looking. It’s our way of talking without talking. He’s not going to the zoo today and neither’s Little Lyuda or Olessya, because they don’t want anyone on trolleys in case they scare the animals. It’s a travelling zoo, which has camped outside town, and our Director, Semyon Konstantinovich, has come to an arrangement with the zoo’s Director that he’ll close it to the public so we can visit.

  We all pile into the bus and everyone’s singing Africa has Gorillas, Africa has Sharks! But I don’t think they’ll have those in this zoo. Svetlana Petrovna, the biology teacher, stands up at the front of the bus when we’re all settled down.

  ‘Now then, children. Those with crutches, do not poke them through the bars. No feeding the animals. We will alight from the bus and walk in pairs through the gates, quietly and calmly.’

  ‘Please, please, Svetlana Petrovna!’ Masha’s jumping around like a flea, with her hand up. ‘Can I be paired with Petya? Dasha can go with Olessya.’

  ‘Very funny, Masha. Sit down. And remember, children, be quiet and orderly. You will be a credit to the school, understood?’ She glares at Masha.

  It’s already warm by the time we drive up to the scrubland on the outskirts of town. Everyone wants to be the first to see a giraffe, or even an elephant, but there’s this high wooden fence all round it, so we can’t see in at all. When the bus door opens, we can smell a strong, stinky African smell, which makes the girls all scream like mad.

  There’s a couple of boys from town hanging around when we get off the bus, and they stare at us like all their dreams have come true as we line up, waiting to go in. As we all file in through the gates, I can see the boys legging it back to town, whooping.

  The zoo Director is waiting for us inside. I can tell he’s nervous but when he sees Masha and me, he almost topples over backwards. He’s thin, with a long scraggly neck and has a crumpled suit on.

  ‘This is Anahit Tigranovich. Say thank you, children.’

  ‘Thank you, Anahit Tigranovich,’ we all chirp, like parrots, but he just backs away as if we’ve bitten him.

  ‘Come along then, first we’ll see the wolves, shall we?’ says Svetlana Petrovna quickly, and we all run off after her. The wolves are thin as anything with their ribs sticking out and they’re pacing up and down their little cage, like that’s all they’ve been doing for hundreds of years. There’s even a groove in the cement floor where they walk, and their fur’s sticking out in tufts.

  ‘The Big Bad Wolf will come one day – to grab little Masha and take her away,’ chants Big Boris in Masha’s ear. Mummy used to sing us that when we were little. It wasn’t scary when she sang it. It’s a lullaby. Masha goes to bite him on the arm.

  ‘Come along, come along,’ says Svetlana Petrovna, ‘no playing around. On to the snakes.’

  ‘Oooh snakes – healthy!’ shouts Masha. ‘I want to hold one – can I hold one?’

  ‘Certainly not. They’re behind glass and probably poisonous …’ Svetlana Petrovna glances around to see where the Director is, but he’s gone. Good, he’s creepy. We spend ages pressing our noses against the glass, looking at the lazy snakes staring at us with their unblinking eyes, until one of the girls says she thinks they’re just stuffed and not real, so we all start dancing around to see if they’ll move. But they don’t.

  ‘That’s quite enough of that. Next is the monkey cage.’

  ‘Put Masha in with them!’ laughs Big Boris when we get to their cage, and see them all sitting on the branches staring out through the bars, but not looking at us. I know that, because I looked into their eyes really carefully. They’re looking beyond us, as if there’s something out there. But there isn’t. It must be more fun for them outside their cage, back in the jungle. Maybe that’s what they’re looking for. The jungle.

  ‘She’d cheer them up!’ Boris says. ‘Throw Mashinka in! Go on, go on!’ Masha laughs and grabs the bars, rattling them, but the monkeys still don’t move.

  ‘Are there lelephants?’ asks one of the younger boys. ‘I want to see a lelephant.’

  ‘I don’t believe there are, Dima, but look, here are some zebras.’

  ‘Those stripes are painted on, they’re painted!’ says Masha. ‘Look’ – she licks her finger – ‘I’ll get in and wipe them off.’

  ‘Stop right there, my little beauty, and behave. Silence!’

  We all stop talking, and it’s then we hear it. A shouting coming from the entrance. The Director is standing by the wolf cage, wiping his forehead with a handkerchief and one of the zoo staff is saying ‘… hundreds of them … more than we’ve had all week … make a fortune …’

  Svetlana Petrovna can hear too. She strides up to him. ‘I forbid you to let anyone in.’

  ‘Sorry, comrade, have to make a living, can’t be a parasite on the State …’

  He goes off to the gates then and opens them. Him and the zoo man can’t take money off everyone fast enough as they all come in and run towards us in a big wave, surrounding us with their stinky breath and sweat and fat bodies, pushing us back against the zebra pen. I want to be sick, I can’t breathe. There’s loads of them, spitting at us and shouting in their stupid loud voices, saying stuff like: There’s the mutant, there it is! It’s not a girl with two heads, it’s a boy, they’ve mutated further, should be killed … aaakh! … Svetlana Petrovna is somewhere behind them, but Big Boris pushes in front of us, so we’re right behind his back, pressing into him and holding on to him, round his waist. He’s shoving them back. I can hear Svetlana Petrovna’s voice somewhere in the distance saying over and over again, ‘Comrades! Look at the animals! Comrades, please, please, look at the animals!’ We’re going to be crushed to death, Masha and me, it’s the end, I can’t breathe, being squished against the pen. But then suddenly Masha pushes out from behind Boris, and steps right out in front of him. She starts screaming at them, waving her arms, shoving them back herself with her two arms and yelling, ‘You’re the fucking mutants! Moodaki, Blyadi! Who asked you to come and insult us? Get the fuck away from us!’ They all stop shouting like she’s cast a spell over them. They take a step right back, when she starts in yelling at them like that, waving her arms all over the place. Then Svetlana Petrovna pushes through to us and the driver’s come from somewhere too, and is shielding us all as they both herd us back to the bus wit
h Masha still yelling her head off, swearing like crazy. ‘Go home to your stinking holes in the ground! Us? Killed? I’ll see the fucking lot of you dead and buried before I think of dying. And you know what? Know what? I’ll come and dance on every one of your yobinny graves …’ Svetlana Petrovna’s trying madly to shush her, but she won’t stop until we’re on the bus and the door’s closed behind us all. I’m crying and trembling and all the little kids are bawling too, but Masha just starts thumping her fists on the window and keeps swearing until Svetlana Petrovna pushes her down hard into her seat and we drive off.

  ‘Disgraceful! Disgraceful!’ Svetlana Petrovna’s all red in the face and standing at the front supporting herself on the driver’s chair. ‘How dare you, Masha! How dare you humiliate us, speaking in that language to townspeople! It’s disgraceful. Pozor! It’s humiliating. You will be punished for this, I can assure you.’ Masha has her hands balled into fists and just sort of stares back at her angrily. But she doesn’t talk back. You don’t talk back to Authority.

  We get punished for Masha swearing at the Healthies

  ‘Aaakh, girls, girls! What am I to do with you? What am I to do?’

  Vera Stepanovna, the head teacher, has called us into her office, and we’re standing on this red rug with lots of whirly patterns on it, while she’s pacing up and down in front of us.

  ‘But, Vera Stepanovna,’ says Masha, ‘they said we should be killed and not go upsetting people. I couldn’t just stand there—’

  ‘Molchee!’ She comes to a stop with all her pacing, right in front of us. ‘Do you really not understand by now? It is your duty to be patient with those who are traumatized by your appearance. To understand and forgive. It is your duty, Masha, to behave with dignity, and not dishonour our school with your vulgar, unforgivable outbursts.’ Masha looks sulky.

  I keep looking down at the whirls on the rug. That’s exactly what Lydia Mikhailovna said to us that time after we went into the grounds and got shouted at by the passers-by. She said we should try and understand them, but I just can’t do it. Not yet.