Keeping 13

by Chloe Walsh

  "They're all brainwashed," I hissed. "Don't you get it? They're fucking terrified of being sent into foster care and separated, so they lie and cover for their parents because they're under some screwed-up belief that they're safer where they are!"

  "What's going on?" Mam asked, standing in the kitchen doorway with her white dressing gown wrapped around her. "It's half past four in the morning. What are you doing up?"

  "Your son wanted to have a chat," Dad explained calmly. "Nothing to worry about. Go on back to bed, sweetheart."

  Mam arched a brow and gave my father her 'do you seriously think I'm buying that shite?' look before stepping into the kitchen and heading for the kettle. "Is Shannon alright, love?"

  I stopped pacing and frowned at my mother. "How did you –"

  "Know this late-night chat was about Shannon?" Mam filled in with a knowing smile. "Because I know you." Making herself a cup of coffee, she joined my father at the island. "Now." Taking a sip from her cup, she looked at my father. "Start talking, sweetheart."

  With a resigned sigh, my father began to recap what we had spoken about, with me interjecting with the parts he left out.

  "And there you have it, Ma," I announced when my father was finished. "The absolute horror that is our justice system!" Swiping her mug of coffee off the counter, I tossed it back and moved for the kettle. "What am I supposed to do now, huh? Go to sleep in my nice, warm bed and wait for a phone call to tell me she's back in the hospital – or worse?" Shaking my head, I poured myself another cup of coffee, splashing water all over the counter in the process. "She deserves a hell of a lot better than the life she's been handed."

  "I agree," Mam said in a sad tone of voice. "They all deserve better."

  "Then do something, Ma," I pleaded, feeling at a complete loss. "Because I'm going to lose my fucking mind if I have to drop her home from school every day and wait until I get to school the next day to see if she's made it through the night!"

  Tears filled my mother's eyes when she asked, "And her brother? Darren?"

  Frustrated, I took a swig of my coffee before answering. "He doesn't know anything about them," I bit out. "He's been gone for years. He's all about his mother's best interests and not the kids. Joey doesn't trust him, and neither do I."

  Mam and Dad looked at each other then, and I felt like I was being left out of a private discussion that was taking place without words. "What are you thinking?" I asked, anxious. "Can you do something?"

  Dad sighed heavily. "What do you want us to do, son?"

  "I want you to nail that bastard to the wall," I told him. "I want justice for those kids. I want justice for my girlfriend. It's not enough that he gets to walk away from this when they can't." I turned to my mother. "They're completely fucked up, Ma. He wrecked them!"

  Both of my parents were silent for so long that I gave up on them answering me. "Forget it," I growled, tossing my cup in the sink. "I shouldn't have bothered."

  Stalking towards the hallway, I halted in my tracks when Mam spoke. "We'll do what we can, Johnny."

  I turned to look at them. "What does that mean?"

  "It means we'll do what we can to help," Dad explained calmly, resting his hand on top of Mam's. "Now, go upstairs and try and get a couple hours sleep before school."

  Feeling dejected, I headed back upstairs to my room with my shoulders slumped and my stomach in knots. The birds were singing outside when I walked back into my room and sank down on the edge of my bed to stare out the window at the dark sky. Grabbing my phone off my bedside locker, I unlocked it and scrolled through my messages, reading and re-reading every text she had sent me until I had driven myself half demented. "Fuck it," I muttered to myself as I tapped into my phonebook and brought up her contact. I had my finger on the call button when my phone started to vibrate in my hand, signaling an incoming call from Shannon.

  Heart racing, I clicked accept and put the phone to my ear. "Shan?"

  "Hi, Johnny," came her hushed voice on the other line. "Did I wake you?"

  "No, I was awake," I replied, exhaling a shaky breath. "Are you okay?"

  "I'm okay," she whispered and I felt my shoulders sag in relief. "I just…"

  "You just what, Shan?"

  "I wanted to hear your voice," she admitted croakily. "Is that weird?"

  "Well, if it is, then I'm a weirdo, too." Lying back on my bed, I folded an arm behind my head. "Because I was just about to call you."

  She exhaled heavily into the phone. "Really?"

  "Really," I confirmed gruffly. "I was thinking about you all night."

  "Me, too," she replied. "You, I mean," she hurried to amend. "I was thinking about you all night– not me."

  "I know what you meant," I told her, smiling to myself at her cute verbal blunder. "Are you getting up now? It's only –" Craning my neck, I checked the time on my alarm clock before saying, "A quarter to five."

  "I thought you might be going to the gym," she whispered. "I was…well, I was going to ask you if I could come and just wait in the car?"

  A trickle of unease crept up my spine. "What's happening, baby?"

  "Nothing."

  "Shan…"

  She blew out a harsh breath. "I'm scared."

  I sat straight up. "Do you want me to come and get you now?"

  "No, no, no," she hurried to say, tone hushed. "There's nothing wrong. I'm just nervous." She exhaled another shaky breath before saying, "Can you stay on the phone with me? You don't have to talk. I just…I feel better when I know you're close."

  Closing my eyes, I flopped back down and swallowed a furious growl. "Of course," I managed to say instead, keeping my tone gentle. Settling under my duvet, I whispered, "I'm right here, baby."

  48

  Busted

  Shannon

  My father had been out of treatment for a week, and I was having trouble sleeping. Every time I dozed off at night, I was bombarded with nightmares so frightening that I jerked awake and spent the rest of the night in a panic induced frenzy, body on high alert, waiting for the sound of the key turning in the lock. It hadn't come yet, but that didn't mean it wouldn't. That was the scariest part of it; knowing that our futures balanced on our father obeying the barring order and our mother keeping her resolve. I wasn't naïve enough to hold out much hope for either.

  Forcing all thoughts of my father to the back of my mind, I focused on the present. On the boy sitting on the grassy bank of the pitch beside me. Blocking out the rest of the world, I concentrated entirely on my boyfriend.

  It was hard for me to comprehend why a guy in Johnny's position, with everything going for him, had so willingly attached his sail to my damaged mast. But he had. And every day that passed since was made bearable because I had him.

  When Joey and Darren were fighting at home, I blocked it out.

  When Mam was catatonic at the kitchen table, I breezed straight past.

  When the fear of my father coming back threatened to spin me into a panic attack, I distracted myself by texting him a homework question.

  I found that I could do those things now, because I knew I had something to look forward to. He had become the safe place where I could let down my defenses. I wasn't focusing on my family all the time. I wasn't dwelling on the negative because I had the best version of positive in the form of my boyfriend. This house had become a temporary pitstop for me. It wasn't the cell I spent most of my waking hours trapped inside. It was a means to an end. A place to lay my head at night. Because in the morning when I woke up, I knew better was waiting for me.

  So much better.

  I knew that sounded pathetic, but for me, someone who had never had anyone besides Joey, it was bewildering. For the first time in my life, I had someone who was just for me. I didn't have to share him with my brothers or my friends. I didn't have to compromise or double check. He was mine. Just mine.

  I savored every minute I got to spend with him at school, and even then, it was never enough. The kisses weren't enough. The hand ho
lding wasn't enough. The nights I snuck out of the house to drive around in his car with him until the sun came up weren't either. Nothing seemed to be enough when my body and heart continuously screamed out for more.

  Every morning I woke up for school, it was with hope in my heart, because I knew I would get to see him. I knew that once 07:45 rolled around, Johnny Kavanagh would pull up outside my house, after his gym session, and sit on my garden wall, taunting Mam and Darren, until I came outside and climbed into his car. He was like clockwork, so rigid in his routine, and I found it deeply comforting. When Johnny told you that he would be there, he would be there. He was never late, and he never cancelled.

  Once I climbed in that car with him, the best part of my day would begin. Lunch breaks, stolen kisses between classes, steaming up the windows of his Audi…it was everything and not nearly enough all at once.

  Dragging myself from my thoughts, I turned to look at Johnny. We were sitting on the hilly bank after school, the one he had knocked me down on all those months ago, watching the team train, and I knew he was upset. He'd been quiet all day. I could feel it. All the smiles in the world couldn't hide that. Not from me. Last week was hard for him, too. Tommen had lost the final against Levitt, and I knew he felt that loss deep in his bones as he watched on in dismay from the sidelines. Hooking my arm through his, I rested my cheek on his shoulder and whispered, "You're going to make it, Johnny."

  "Don’t put money on it," he replied quietly, hand moving to his thigh. "I don't think it's going to happen for me, Shan," he added, voice barely more than a whisper, as he adjusted the bandage I knew was strapped to his thigh beneath his school trousers. "Not this summer."

  "I do," I countered, sliding my hand down his arm to link with his. "I know it." Entwining our fingers, I gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. "You have your appointment with your doctor tomorrow, right?"

  Johnny nodded, shoulders sagging. "But even if she signs me off to play, there's not enough time to pull this back –"

  "Johnny, you don't have anything to pull back," I urged. "You're already the best." Releasing his hand, I twisted my body sideways so that I was kneeling with my knees touching his thighs, and reclaimed his hand. "You might only have six weeks left to train and prepare – or whatever it is you guys do –" I scrunched my nose up at the thought of him getting smashed up on a pitch before quickly shaking the horrible image out of my head and continuing, "but you've already done all of the hard work. You've already impressed the coaches and you are weeks ahead of schedule on your recovery. You've earned this. It's yours." Squeezing his hand, I smiled brightly at him. "You're going to get that spot on the team and you are going to shine. I know it."

  His lips tipped upwards and he arched a brow. "Oh, you know it, do you?"

  "Yep." I nodded in confirmation. "I'm very wise."

  Chuckling, he stroked my cheek with his thumb. "God, you're so adorable."

  "Adorable?" I grimaced. "Sookie's adorable, Johnny. I'm supposed to be –"

  "Be?" he teased, dipping his face closer to mine. "What are you supposed to be, baby?"

  "More than adorable," I breathed, losing focus now that his lips were so close to mine.

  "Cute?" he purred, trailing his fingers under the hem of my school skirt. "Pretty?" Smirking, he leaned closer and brushed his nose against mine. "Sexy?"

  Nodding, I exhaled a shaky breath. "The last one."

  Suddenly, and without an ounce of warning, Johnny kissed me hard and pulled me on top of him. Throwing a leg over either side of his hips, I settled on his lap, our lips never parting as we kissed each other almost violently. His lap wasn’t a soft place to sit; the opposite in fact. He was ripped from head to toe and it was a painful test to my willpower to not touch. Especially when everything inside of me demanded I do just that. Touch, and pet, and rub…

  Unable to stop myself, I snaked a hand in his hair and tugged. He rewarded my bravery with a small thrust of his hips. His hands were on my hips, coaxing and encouraging. It didn’t seem to matter to either of us that we were on school grounds with his teammates a stone's throw away on the pitch.

  "You're so fucking sexy." His voice was deep and husky and his words took my breath away. "You drive me crazy, Shannon like the river," he whispered against my lips, rocking my hips against his. "I want you so badly I can't think straight anymore."

  A delicious shiver rolled down my spine and I sagged against him, the pressure in my chest too much to take, his words taking me further down the dark and terrifying path I was on with him. "Johnny?"

  "Yeah, Shan?"

  "There's nobody at my house until six." Heart racing, I leaned back to look into his eyes. "Do you want to come over?"

  His eyes darkened and his grip on my waist tightened. "Now?"

  "Now," I confirmed, breathless.

  "Should I have parked further up the street?" Johnny asked between kisses as he stumbled into my bedroom with my body wrapped around his. "In case your mother or Darren come back early?"

  Shaking my head, I reached around and slammed my bedroom door shut before turning back to crush my lips against his. "Forget about them," I encouraged, breathing hard, as I squeezed my thighs against his waist. "Turn off your brain."

  "Ah fuck," he groaned, walking the small space from my door to my bed. "You're going to get me killed, aren't ya?" His shins hit the base of the bed and then we were falling onto the mattress with Johnny landing heavily on top of me.

  Wrestling around on my small single bed, I clambered out from beneath his big body and straddled his hips. Feeling victorious, I took his hands in mine and pinned them above his head, pressing them into the mattress. "Gotcha."

  Growling, Johnny bucked his hips sharply, causing me to fall forward on his chest. "Gotcha back," he purred before claiming my lips with his. I could feel my pulse thrumming in my veins as my blood turned to lava and my resolve disintegrated with every stroke of his tongue.

  "Listen, I don’t want to push you into anything you're not ready to do," he said against my lips. "I have two hands and an excellent imagination – filled with images of you." Holding my face in his hands, he leaned back and stared at me. "I can wait."

  I stared at him, feeling more in this moment than I had my whole life. I could feel his heart hammering against his chest like a caged bird fluttering wildly, matching the rhythm of mine. Unable to form a coherent sentence, I reached for the hem of my school jumper and whipped it over my head, taking my school tie with it. Johnny's eyes darkened as I moved for my white blouse, clumsily undoing the buttons.

  "Don’t–" he began to say, but his words twisted into a pained growl when I let my blouse fall from my shoulders. "Jesus," he groaned, his hungry eyes roaming over my body. His tongue swept out, tracing his lower lip, as his stare remained riveted to my body.

  My breath came out in a loud, breathy puff when I reached behind my back and unclasped my bra, wishing I had lacy bras like Claire and not plain cotton ones.

  "Fuck," Johnny growled, thrusting his hips upwards. His breath hitched in his throat when I slipped my bra off and tossed it on my bedroom floor. I could feel him hardening beneath me and the sensation sent a thrill through me. "You're so beautiful."

  Sitting up with me in his lap, Johnny reached a hand behind his head, swiftly yanking his school jumper off before tossing it on my bedroom floor. Knotting his fingers in my hair, he pulled my face to his, kissing me hard and recklessly. Straddling his hips in nothing but my school skirt and knickers, I rocked against him, matching his recklessness with a fevered wildness of my own.

  His hands moved from my hair to the front of his shirt to unbutton it, never taking his lips off mine as he worked. I reached behind my back and lowered the zipper of my skirt. Breaking the kiss, I clambered off the bed, trembling from head to toe, and let my skirt fall to the floor, never taking my eyes off his.

  Standing in nothing but a pair of white, cotton knickers, I exhaled a shaky breath and whispered, "Hi, Johnny."

  "Hi, Shann
on," Johnny replied, voice strained, eyes dark and blazing, as he shrugged his shirt and tie off and tossed them on the floor. "Fuck, what are you doing to me, baby?"

  My chest rose and fell rapidly when I climbed back onto his lap. "I love you," he said gruffly, brushing his lips against mine. I shivered when his arms came around me, the heat from his skin scorching mine. "So fucking much." His hand moved to my ass, pulling me closer for a long, drug-inducing moment, as he rocked me on his lap, grinding our bodies together. Growling, Johnny deepened our kiss, plunging his tongue into my mouth as he twisted around and knocked me onto my back. "So sexy." He sounded absolutely torn, and a little hopeful, as he settled between my legs. "So goddamn beautiful." His hands roamed all over my bare flesh as he trailed kisses down my neck. "You're all I want."

  Moaning in encouragement, I tilted my hips upwards, groaning breathlessly when his body aligned with mine in the most primal of human ways, pressing hard against me.

  "I shouldn't be doing this," he whispered, mouth hovering over my breasts. "It's…" his voice trailed off as he pulled my nipple into his mouth and sucked.

  "Johnny," I panted, knotting my hands in his hair, as he tormented me with delicious swipes of his tongue. "Don't stop."

  "Fuck…" Releasing my breast, he moved back to my lips and thrust hard against me, so hard that the headboard of my bed banged against the wall. "Shite," he muttered, nestling his face in the crook of my neck. "I should stop," he groaned, but his actions proved opposite as he continued to feel me and kiss me and rock his hips against me.

  Don’t stop.

  I don’t care.

  Just don’t stop.

  "Shh." I gripped his hips and tugged him closer, as the need inside of me blossomed and burned. I wanted him to push me deeper into this mattress. I wanted to feel every inch of him on me, in me, all of him inside all of me. I wanted more. "It's okay."

  "No, no, no..." Johnny shook his head and groaned louder, shifting closer, nuzzling deeper. "I'm not thinking clearly–" His hand moved to my hip, jerking me closer and clamping down hard. "Tell me to go."