Rites of Passage

by Catherine Gayle

  “That’s probably normal for a kid her age, isn’t it?”

  Once we reached the kitchen, I set Harper in her high chair. The tray was covered with Cheerios, and she immediately shoved a handful of them in her mouth, then spit them out. “Cup cup!” she demanded.

  “They have to bake bake first,” Tallie replied, laughing. “Hold your horses.”

  “Horsey? Go go!” And just like that, Harper was bouncing in her seat and trying to figure out how to climb out of it.

  “Would you mind buckling her in?” Tallie asked me, as she was already back to work on putting cupcake batter in paper-lined muffin tins.

  “I’m on it if you can help me out with something.”

  “As long as you don’t need me to function at a much higher level than toddler brain, I’m your girl.”

  Lucky for me, I’d spent enough time around my nieces that I knew how to strap a kid into a few different types of seats. Within a few seconds, I had the belt secured around Harper’s waist and she was shoving Cheerios into my mouth—the same ones she’d just spit out only moments before.

  I laughed and moved out of her reach before she got any more bright ideas, taking a seat on one of the barstools across the counter from Tallie. “So I’ve got a problem,” I started.

  “A girl problem?” Tallie reached for an ice cream scoop and used it to measure batter into the lined cups.

  “Not exactly, but kind of. I have to say, though, you sound strangely excited by that prospect.”

  Her eyes lit up, and she grinned. “I’ve been wanting to set you up on a date for a long time. You have no idea. I have this girlfriend from college who’d be perfect for you, and I wanted to introduce you over the summer, but Hunter told me I needed to butt out and let you do things in your own time.”

  My eyes crinkled with laughter. I couldn’t help it. “I’m touched,” I managed to get out between big belly laughs that got Harper cackling with glee.

  “Tori and I started planning it as soon as—well, you know.” She had to mean the accident. I nodded, and that was all she needed to keep going. “Anyway, London’s told us you seem to have a thing for this tattoo artist. Purple-haired chick? I saw her at your pool party. She’s cute.”

  “Cute’s one word for her.”

  Probably not one Ravyn would appreciate, but she’d be even cuter if she got all indignant over being called cute.

  “So I was hoping you were dating her,” Tallie said, taking a spoon and scraping it along the side of the virtually empty bowl, then passing it over to her daughter. “And Hunter seems to think you might be. All the guys do, actually.”

  “What, is it gossip central in our locker room?”

  “Isn’t it gossip central in every locker room?” Tallie winked. “Even if it’s not, the WAGs keep the gossip flowing. We live for this shi— stuff.”

  I shrugged, because I wasn’t sure what Ravyn would have to say about whether we were dating or not—we weren’t, in the traditional sense, but sleeping together for a month seemed to put our relationship in the serious category.

  “So you need help with Ravyn?” Tallie asked, turning around to put the cupcake pan into the oven and set the timer. “What kind of help? Romance or…”

  “Legal,” I said. “It’s more your father’s help that I need.”

  Harper took that opportunity to start flinging the remaining Cheerios all across the kitchen, so Tallie took her out of her chair and set her on the floor to run around. Harper didn’t run far; she came straight to me, lifted her arms in the air, and demanded, “Up up!”

  I picked her up and set her on my knee, getting another tiny fistful of Cheerios shoved into my mouth as a reward for my compliance. “Mmm,” I said, winking down at her giggling face.

  “Harper, you cut that out right now, you hear?”

  The little girl only laughed harder.

  “She’s fine,” I said. “I don’t mind.” I kind of liked it, actually. Kids were sweet and uncomplicated. Right now, everything else in my life was as complicated as it could be.

  “Legal?” Tallie repeated. She took off her apron and hung it from a hook on the wall. “Is she in some kind of trouble?”

  “Not exactly. But I need a few questions answered. London already gave me some answers, but she doesn’t know everything there is to know about this matter.”

  “And you need to know more,” Tallie said.

  “Right.”

  She scowled and planted her hands on her hips. “Well, damn.”

  “Damn?” I repeated, trying not to laugh.

  “I’ll hook you up with Daddy. That’s not a problem. But here I was hoping you were coming to me for romantic advice or something. You got my hopes up, and now you’re letting me down. That’s rude.”

  I grinned. “Hit me. What do you have?”

  “Yeah? You mean it?” Her eyes lit up mischievously. This couldn’t be good.

  But still… “Yeah. I’m all yours. Help me out.”

  “Stay right there.” Tallie hustled down the hall and up the stairs.

  While she was gone, Harper decided to get my attention again. She patted me on the cheek until I looked down at her. “Go go?” She even cocked her head toward the door, like a dog would.

  “I don’t think your daddy would be happy with me if I ran away with you. And your mommy would miss you.”

  She laughed. “Go go!”

  “Harper Paisley Fielding, you’d better not be go going anywhere!” Tallie called out on her return.

  I shook my head solemnly. “Sounds like that’s a no no.”

  Harper cackled again. At least she took rejection well.

  When Tallie came back into the kitchen, she handed me a brown paper bag and took her daughter. “There. Go spoil your girl. You’ve got candles, bath bombs…all sorts of good stuff. Put on some sexy music. Hell, you could join her in the bath, too. That’d be good. Oh, and I texted Daddy while I was upstairs. He said to give you his direct number at his office. He can probably answer your questions over the phone, depending on the specifics, and most likely he won’t charge you because you’re a friend. And because I begged. And because I’ve got him wrapped around my finger. And I might have threatened to keep him from his granddaughter if he didn’t do what I wanted.”

  “You’re the best,” I said, climbing down from my stool.

  “Don’t you forget it. And bring her around sometime. The girls all want to meet her.”

  I laughed on my way to the door. “I’ll try. She’s not much of a joiner.”

  “All the more reason to bring her to meet us. We can initiate her.”

  “Is that code for garage sale shopping?”

  “It’s code for get her ass around us so we don’t have to hunt her down.”

  “I’ll see what I can do.” But first, I needed to make a phone call.

  IT WAS STARTING to feel normal to go home with Drew every night after I left work. The most surprising aspect about that was the realization that it still felt normal after I’d completely fallen apart in front of him last night.

  Probably because he didn’t treat me any differently. He’d seen me at my lowest, and now he was looking at me the same way he always did, with an odd mix of curiosity, hunger, and a lot more caring than I deserved.

  “How was work?” he asked, passing a grilled turkey and Swiss cheese sandwich across the counter toward me.

  I hadn’t adjusted to his desire to feed me all the time, but there was no getting around the fact that I was ravenous tonight. I’d been working on Whitney’s design when I should have taken a dinner break, so I hadn’t had a bite to eat since lunch—and it was almost midnight.

  I tore off a bite with my fingers, ruminating over how terribly domestic we seemed to be becoming. When had this happened? It wasn’t exactly overnight. It’d been more of a gradual shift in our relationship from casual sex to not-so-casual sex, and now to…what? I wasn’t sure.

  I carried my plate to the dining room and took a seat. D
rew joined me, a couple of beers in his hands. He opened mine and set it in front of me before sitting directly across the table.

  “Thanks,” I said after I’d swallowed my bite. “Work was fine. No dead baby tattoos today.”

  I felt his smile all the way to my core. It warmed me from the middle out to my fingers and toes, leaving me tingly, like a good alcohol buzz. But I hadn’t even taken a sip of my beer.

  “Glad you can make a joke about it,” he said.

  “I have to. If I don’t…” There wasn’t any point finishing that statement. He’d already seen what would happen when I couldn’t laugh things off.

  “So, who did come in today?”

  “A couple of Tri Delta girls from University of Tulsa came in and got matching tattoos of their sorority symbol. I swear, I’ve never heard so much giggling in my life.”

  Drew’s grin somehow widened even further. “I had my fair share of giggling today, too.”

  I raised a brow. “Oh, yeah?” He’d told me this morning that he was going to a teammate’s house today. I couldn’t picture a bunch of big, burly hockey players sitting around and giggling.

  “Went to visit a couple of my teammates’ wives.”

  I tried not to recoil at the idea that he’d gone to see their wives and not the guys. But they were married, after all, so I doubted there was anything going on to upset me. That didn’t stop me from feeling a twinge of jealousy.

  But Drew would never cheat. And we weren’t officially an exclusive item, so it wouldn’t even be cheating. Still, after what had happened with his ex… No, that wasn’t him. I had no reason to be jealous at all.

  Maybe I was more invested in us than I’d thought I was.

  He took another swig from his beer, going on like he was oblivious to my discomfiture. “Hunter and Tallie’s little girl is a riot. Tallie says you need to come around, by the way.”

  “Come around?” Why would I need to come around?

  “To hang out with the other guys’ wives and girlfriends,” Drew said, like it was the most natural thing he could ever say, even though I nearly choked on my food due to shock.

  Which meant he thought of me as his girlfriend.

  And they thought of me as his girlfriend.

  But was I? And did I want to be?

  Yes.

  The answer hit me like a battering ram, particularly after my moment of envy. I wouldn’t have told Drew all those things last night if I didn’t want to be with him.

  Hell, I’d never before told anyone the name I’d chosen for my son, not even Rick. I’d never said it aloud, because giving it voice made it feel too real.

  But I’d told Drew that my son’s name was Devon.

  I didn’t know what his new family had named him, but he was Devon in my heart. And now, Drew knew he was Devon, too. And that he’d had the softest blond hair. And that I’d almost changed my mind a half dozen times in the few hours that he’d been mine.

  Telling Drew these things had to mean I wanted more from this relationship than I’d previously been allowing myself to believe. I swallowed hard and took a sip of my beer, letting the smooth, malty flavor envelop my mouth for a moment.

  “Do you want me to hang out with them?” I asked.

  He shrugged. “It’s up to you. But I don’t think it would be a bad thing for you to get to know the guys and their wives, you know? I mean, they’re a part of my life, and so are you.” Again, he made it seem like there was no other way things should be.

  “I’m not good with people,” I pointed out.

  “I think you’re better with them than you give yourself credit for. And I think the more practice you get, the easier it’ll be for you.”

  Practice. How pathetic was it that I needed to practice having relationships?

  But he had a point, even if it was one I had difficulty conceding.

  “I suppose it wouldn’t be the worst thing that could ever happen to me,” I said dryly.

  “I’ll tell London. She knows how to get in touch with you, so she can set something up.”

  “So what were you doing today?” I asked. He’d asked about my day. Time for me to reciprocate, since it seemed like we were doing this domestic, relationship thing. I picked up the sandwich and took another bite.

  “Trying to find out what information we could learn about Devon.”

  My stomach churned, and I wished I hadn’t eaten a bite. I set the rest of the sandwich back on my plate and pushed it away, praying that my stomach would settle down before I upchucked all over his house.

  “There’s nothing we can learn,” I forced out.

  “Not much,” he agreed. He sounded way too chipper, considering he’d just brought up a subject that he knew would send me into a tizzy.

  I pushed away from the table. I needed to leave. My car was still at Ethan’s house, because we’d slept too late this morning to go back for it before I had to get to work, so Drew had driven me both ways.

  But his house wasn’t far. I could walk. I would walk, because my lungs were starting to close off on me, and my heart felt like it was going to shatter again, and I couldn’t be here.

  But Drew put a hand on my elbow before I reached the front door. “Wait,” he said gently. Everything about him was gentle. The way he held my arm, with just enough pressure to keep me from leaving but not enough to cause me any discomfort. The way he urged me back against him and pressed a kiss to the top of my head. The way his breaths pressed his chest against my shoulders. “Don’t run away,” he murmured, and it was enough to break me again, like that kiss had broken me last night.

  But that was what I always did. I ran.

  I’d been doing it my whole life, and it had never—not once—left me in a better place than I’d been before I took off. Because no matter how fast I ran or how far I went, I was still with me. I couldn’t get away from myself.

  I forced myself to stay put, the words of one of the doctors from the loony bin echoing in my mind. You think you’re crazy, huh? Well, you know what they say the definition of crazy is, right? Doing the same thing and expecting different results. I’d been running my whole life and blindly hoping that somehow, some way, things would turn out differently.

  And of course, they never did.

  Now that I wasn’t actively trying to get out, Drew’s grip changed. His fingertips danced along my shoulders and upper arms, a light touch that soothed me more than I ever would have expected.

  “You’re not going to leave?” he asked after a moment.

  I shook my head, not trusting my voice.

  His arm came around my waist, an anchor in the storm being waged in my mind. “So can I tell you what I found out today?”

  “I’m not sure I want to know,” I croaked.

  Because if there was anything I could learn, any tiny nugget about Devon, what purpose would it serve? I’d still walked away from him. I’d given him up.

  I wasn’t sure which would hurt worse—never knowing anything or knowing only a tiny bit but being unable to learn the rest.

  “I think I should tell you anyway,” Drew said softly. The warmth of his body wrapped around me, somehow seeped into me. Melting me against him. Turning me into putty, to be molded by his hands.

  My eyes stung with tears, so I blinked a few times, trying to keep them at bay. But I took a deep breath, leaned into Drew’s offer of comfort, and nodded. If he knew something, I needed to know it. Then I’d have to find a way to deal with this new knowledge, whatever it might be.

  “You’re mostly right,” he said. “You can try to find out information about Devon, but no one will tell you anything. They can’t. Legally, you gave up all rights to any knowledge about him the moment you walked away from that nurse. But someday, when he’s an adult, he can try to find you if he decides he wants to.”

  “There’s no way for him to find me, though,” I spluttered through the tears that had forced their way through.

  “There could be. You know what hospital you took
him to. You remember what the nurse looked like, right?”

  Drew didn’t wait for me to argue with him or to confirm what he already knew—that I did remember her face, as clearly as I remembered the crinkle of Devon’s nose when he cried and the way his tiny fingers had gripped my pinky and refused to let go when I passed him into her arms. I didn’t just remember her face—I knew her name: Tricia Patterson, R.N. My breath caught in my throat and formed a lump.

  Drew ran his hands up and down my arms, soothing me and bolstering me in the same motion.

  “You could find her and give her any information she asks for. Maybe you didn’t give it to her then, but you can do it now. Your name. How to find you. Your medical history. She can’t tell you anything about Devon, but she can be sure the right people know what they need to know about you. And she’ll remember you, so she’ll be able to line you up with the right baby. I know she will. You’re pretty unforgettable.”

  So even if they didn’t already know that I might have passed HIV on to him, they could know now. And they could test him now. And if the tests were inconclusive, they could test him again and again and again, and they could treat him properly, whether he was HIV-positive or not.

  Drew was right. I didn’t know why I’d never thought of it before. I’d run into the brick wall of their refusals to give me any information about my son and taken that as the end of the story.

  But maybe it didn’t have to be.

  I spun around in his arms, looking up to find his serious eyes pinned on me. His brows drew together with concern.

  I couldn’t blame him. He had to be thinking I might fall apart again at any moment like I had last night. I wasn’t proving to be the most stable person in the world, which made me wonder more than ever why he’d want to be with me.

  But this, more than anything else, proved he did. He’d spent his day finding a way for me to get closure.

  “Have I ever told you how amazing you are?” I asked through my tears.

  He kissed me on the forehead, tightening his arms around my waist. “Come on. Finish eating, because I have more plans for you tonight.”