“Sierra,” he says gently and takes my hand. “I love you. I want to make sure you know. No matter what, I love you and always will.”
Tears fill my eyes. “I love you, too.” I squeeze his hand and pull my seatbelt on. My head is spinning. I’m tired, which always makes me emotional. And I’m not sure how to feel right now. I’d only known I was pregnant for a few days. We didn’t try for a baby. We didn’t want this to happen. Having a baby right now would have fucked up our lives in more ways than we could think. Chase and I haven’t been together that long, and there’s a lot to be worked out before having a child together. Not having a baby should be a good thing. We can consider it again when the time is right. Years from now. After a wedding or once we move in together.
But I’m sad.
Really, really fucking sad.
I wish I hadn’t taken that stupid test.
I stare out the window the whole way back to Chase’s house.
“Are you okay?” he asks when we park.
“I think so. Are you?”
“No,” he answers, and it jars me. “I know the timing was all wrong, but I was starting to become okay with it. I’m sad. More than I thought I’d be.”
“Me too,” I say. And then I start crying. Chase helps me out of the car and wraps his arms around me, holding me as I sob. We’re in the parking lot of The Mill House, and the rushing water from the river echoes through the silent early morning.
“I love you,” he whispers. “I always will.”
“I love you too,” I say back between sobs. “I’m sorry I lost…I lost…” My words dissolve into tears.
“I never once thought it was your fault,” he goes on. “You heard the doctor. Sometimes it just happens and there’s no real reason. Don’t be sorry.”
I inhale sharply. “I don’t understand why this keeps happening. Lisa said I’m not cursed but I think I really am.”
“Curses aren’t real,” he soothes. “You’re not cursed.”
“It feels that way.”
“It might now, but it won’t forever,” he whispers and cups my face with his hands. He brushes away my tears and kisses me. “Let’s go to your house. It’s been a long fucking night.” We go around back and I sit on the rock overlooking the river while Chase gets his stuff from inside. I don’t say a word on the short drive to my house. The sun is up and I pull all the shades once we get inside.
“We need to talk about it.” Chase opens the fridge and pulls out a bottle of wine. “Maybe not now, but tomorrow.”
“Yeah. I know.”
He sets two glasses on the table and fills them. I pick mine up and take a gulp.
“You know what’s weird?” I start and take another drink. “If I didn’t take that test, we wouldn’t be sad. If I would have waited another few days to see if my period started, I would think this was all it was.”
Chase nods. “Yeah. That’s true.”
“I wish I hadn’t taken it. Because I did think about us together with a baby. I felt something for whatever I thought was growing inside of me.” I bring the glass to my lips and drain it. I set it down on the table and exhale, waiting for the alcohol to kick in and numb the pain.
“I did too. When I was holding my nephews today…” He trails off and finishes his wine. “Let’s go to bed.”
I nod and follow him into the bedroom. We snuggle close together, and the booze hits me. My lashes are wet with tears and my eyes feel swollen from crying. Chase pulls me onto his chest and runs his fingers up and down my arm until I fall asleep.
Having chugged a big glass of wine before bed, I once again wake up having to use the bathroom. Chase is still sleeping, and I worry about him overdoing it. He’s still recovering and getting in a fight was the last thing he needed.
It’s early in the morning, and we’ve only been asleep for a few hours. I go into the bathroom and turn on the shower. I strip from my clothes and pull my hair into a messy bun on the top of my head and look at myself in the mirror as I wait for the shower to warm up.
My hands land on my abdomen and my bottom lip quivers. Dizziness crashes down on me, brought on by a whirlwind of emotions. The fact that I had gotten pregnant hits me, and all the consequences of an unplanned pregnancy play out in my head.
Telling my parents.
Going to church with my growing belly.
Making room in this small house for Chase and our baby.
Figuring out how to work and raise a child.
Would I have a wedding? I’ve dreamed about and planned my wedding for years. Small and intimate. Whimsical but not over the top. We’d have the ceremony in the church and an outdoor reception at the family farm, with big white tents set up and our horses grazing in the background.
I get into the shower and sink down, letting the warm water wash over me. I thought about my wedding a lot before Jake died. We’d been together almost two years. I assumed a proposal was in the making. Jake was a practical person, thoughtful but not exactly romantic. Still, I did quite a bit of pinning on Pinterest, and my dream wedding is still in the back of my mind.
I cover my mouth with my hands, muffling a sob. I don’t want to wake Chase up. The image of his face flashes before me, and my heart lurches in my chest. As hard as I try not to compare Jake to Chase, I can’t help but feel the difference between the two. Everything with Jake was logical and calculated. Our relationship made sense, the sex was good, and we got along in most aspects. There is no doubt in my mind that we didn’t love each other with all our hearts.
But Chase…I love him with all of my heart and every piece of my soul. Chase is unpredictable. Wild. Dangerous. There’s no logical reason for us to be together.
And yet we are.
I close my eyes and lean into the water, feeling it drip down my face. Having a baby with Chase right now would be terrible timing. Sometimes the most terrible things are the most beautiful.
A shudder goes through me and I mourn more than the loss of the little life I had inside me. I mourn the loss of what could have been. The unconventional start to a family. The awkward family dinners and even the judgmental stares from people as we walk through town, pushing our baby in a stroller as we walk.
I feel like my body betrayed me and wasn’t enough. I know what the doctor said—and what Chase reminded me—but it does little to comfort me. No, this pregnancy wasn’t planned, but it doesn’t make losing it any easier.
When my fingers start to get wrinkly, I get up and wash myself, and then get out and dressed. I feed the cats and take an Advil for the pain. My cycles have never been regular. Ever. I’ll go weeks without a period and then get hit with a horrible heavy one, getting practically bedridden from pain. Then the next will be twenty-eight days later and super light. I started taking birth control as a teen to regulate my cycle and to deal with the pain. I pour myself another glass of wine and down it, and then get back into bed with Chase.
“Hey, babe,” he says sleepily. “Are you okay?”
“I don’t know,” I say, being completely honest. “Physically, I’m fine.”
“What about emotionally?” Chase pushes himself up. His hair is messy and there are pillow creases on his cheek. I’m so damn attracted to him even now, though sex is the last thing on my mind.
“I keep thinking of what could have been. I mean, I know this wasn’t what we expected. At all. It would have been hard and trying, and yet I’m sad it’s not going to happen.”
“It still can,” Chase says and puts his arms around me. “Maybe not right now, but later. And next time we can do it on purpose. It hurts now, but it’ll get easier. I know you’ve heard that before.”
“I have.”
“You’re not alone, Sierra. You will never be alone. I’m here. I’ll always be here.”
Tears fall from my eyes and Chase pulls me to him, cradling me against his chest. I relax against him and feel the wine hit me. I’m half-asleep only moments later.
And someone is knocking on my door.
“I’ll go,” Chase says, moving away. On an empty stomach, the wine gets to me harder than before. I’m drunk. All I want is to succumb to the darkness and fall back into sleep. Time slips away and what feels like just a second later, Chase is in the room. “Your mom’s here.”
“Why?” I grumble.
“She heard about the bar fight.”
“Mother fucker,” I say into the pillow. Chase helps me to my feet and I wobble as I walk, grimacing from the sunlight. Mom is standing in the living room, perched on the edge of the couch. Her hair is done and she’s dressed in designer clothes.
“Sierra,” she gasps when I stumble into the room. “You look terrible.”
“Thanks, Mom. Tell me how you really feel.”
“Lisabeth DeGraw told me about the fight at The Mill House last night. And how you were involved. Are you okay?”
I shrug, trying to copy Chase’s signature move. In my mind, it was a flawless copy. But in real life, I looked like I was having some sort of convulsion. “I’m alive, right?” I sit heavily on the couch.
“What happened?”
“There were some guys. They got mad. And Chase stopped them.” I look at Chase, realizing for the first time that he’s only wearing pajama pants. My mother hates tattoos and is getting a good display of Chase’s inked skin.
“I heard they were there because of you,” Mom says pointedly, looking right at Chase.
“Mom,” I whisper through clenched teeth.
Chase’s brow furrows and he nods. “They were.”
“Sierra could have gotten hurt,” Mom snaps. “One of them grabbed her.”
“They didn’t hurt me, Mom,” I snap. Something else hurt me, and the hurt is running deeper than I ever imagined. I spring to my feet. The wine paired with bleeding from the miscarriage makes me dizzy. My eyes flutter and I sink back to the couch.
Mom is too busy staring daggers at Chase to notice. “They could have hurt her. Easily. None of this would have happened if you hadn’t come to this town. I knew you were bad news the moment I laid eyes on you. If you care about my daughter at all, you’ll stay far away from her.”
The pain etched on Chase’s face breaks my heart all over again. I turn to my mother, eyes blurring with tears.
“I will talk to you later,” she says to me and then walks out the door. I take in a shaky breath and clutch my heart. Chase is next to me in seconds, and I bury my head in his neck.
“You’re drunk.”
“I’m not drunk enough.”
“You have more wine in the fridge.”
I pull back, staring at him quizzically. “You’re not going to tell me to lay off the alcohol?”
He shakes his head. “Not now.” He kisses my forehead and leaves, returning with a bottle of sweet red wine.
“Nocturne Acres,” he reads. “I’ve never heard of that.”
“My family owns a vineyard in California,” I say and take the wine from him. I don’t waste time with a glass. I chug it right from the bottle. Chase takes the bottle from me and brings it to his lips. He sets it down on the coffee table, out of my reach.
“I’m sorry for all the shit that happened, Sierra.”
“Don’t be. And don’t let my mom get to you. That’s how she is to everyone. Manipulative and judgmental. You’re not bad news.”
“Maybe I am,” he says so softly I almost don’t hear him. “I never meant to hurt you, Sierra.”
“I know. You didn’t know those guys were going to show up.”
“Right. Those guys.”
I lean over Chase, reaching for the bottle. I have a sense he’s talking about something else, but in that moment, my brain goes to self-preservation mode. I need another few swallows of wine so I can pass out.
“You need to take your medicine,” I say and move away from Chase. I wobble when I stand, having to put my hand on the wall to steady myself as I move into the kitchen. Chase isn’t supposed to take the antibiotics on an empty stomach. I open the fridge and pull out eggs.
“What are you doing?” he asks, standing in the threshold of the kitchen.
“Making breakfast.”
“I’ll do it. You can lay down.”
I shake my head. “I want to stay busy.”
“Okay.” Chase comes into the kitchen with me, and we work together to make breakfast. I drink half the bottle of wine as I cook, and make it through a plate of scrambled eggs before I’m feeling sick. Chase takes me to the bedroom and tucks me in. The world spins around me and I close my eyes.
Chase sits next to me, giving me a kiss before he gets under the blanket too. “When you’re ready, we need to talk,” he says softly. “And remember my promise. I will always love you.”
30
Chase
Maybe I should have cut her off and not let her have that second glass of wine. I don’t know how to handle this, and my mind is all fucking over the place.
I need to tell her about the voicemails.
My heart breaks to see Sierra hurting.
I wish we were still having a baby.
I rub my temple and look at Sierra. She’s sound asleep—as she’s been for the last three hours—next to me in her bed. She looks at peace now, and I wish so fucking bad that same peace will carry on into the day when she wakes.
I don’t know what to do from here. I had no fucking clue losing a baby you’d only known about for two days could hurt so damn much. Do we keep this to ourselves forever? When is it okay to try and have sex again? I’m going to assume we’ll both agree to better birth control than pulling out since that worked out so well for us last time.
Thinking about the physical toll this is taking on Sierra, however ‘normal’ the doctor says it is, makes me want to throw up. She said the bleeding slowed, but she didn’t say it stopped. My heart hurts for the loss of what could have been but hurts even more knowing what Sierra is going through.
It’s not fucking fair. This shouldn’t have happened to her. She’s already dealt with a loss. Why does she have to go through it again?
Sierra stirs in her sleep and I hug her, wishing I could take away her pain. If there were a way, I’d do it, no matter what the cost. Sierra is everything I never knew I always wanted. I hold her tight in my arms, ignoring the pain it’s causing me to feel around the area that was sliced open not that long ago.
I’m asleep and dreaming about Sierra when my phone rings. I jerk up fast and feel a painful tug on my flesh. Wincing, I grab my phone and see that it’s Josh. Instantly. I feel like shit for not calling him and letting him know what went on last night.
“What the fuck?” he asks as soon as I answer.
“Shit. Sorry, man. I should have called you last night.”
“You’re not supposed to be working,” Josh says. “Let alone getting in fights. What the hell were you thinking?”
“That I wasn’t going to let some assholes lay a finger on the bar. Or Sierra.”
“Is it terrible to say I wish I was there so I could see it all go down? I heard the guys you took out were twice your size and jacked on steroids.”
“So this town likes to gossip and expand the truth. The steroid part might be true. I wouldn’t put it past those guys, actually. And it was easy to take them out. They’re a classic case of all brawn and no brain. If they hadn’t threatened Sierra, it would have been fun.”
“Makes you miss the old days?”
“No,” I say honestly. “You know I enjoy a good fight or two. But this…” I look at Sierra’s pretty face. “This is better.” Even now, with a constant ache in my heart for what we lost. I look out the window, wondering if it would have been better to have not met Sierra at all. We wouldn’t be in this situation right now. Would she be better off without me?
I’ve been changed for the better. I didn’t know how much was missing until I found her.
“How are my nephews?” I ask. “And Dakota.”
“Wearing us out of course, but great. Dakota is having some
jealousy issues. I’m taking her fishing after church tomorrow. That clearing behind The Mill House is a good spot.”
“Are there a lot of fish in the river?”
“In the deeper parts. I’m hoping not to catch a lot,” he admits with a laugh. “It’s easier. Though Kota likes to throw ‘em back so there’s nothing to take home and gut.”
“I’ve never been fishing.”
“Ever?”
“Nope. Don’t forget I grew up in Chicago. You wouldn’t want to get in any bodies of water around there.”
Josh laughs. “Come with us then. That would make Dakota happy. Are you going to be home?”
“I’ve been staying with Sierra. But I can stop by.”
“Great. See you tomorrow then.”
“Tonight. I’ll be at work.”
“I thought you weren’t supposed to go back to work until next week.”
“I’m not,” I say. “I’ll take it easy.”
“Come in at ten,” Josh says, knowing better than to argue with me. “I can leave early and you’ll only have to work half a shift that way.”
“Sounds good.” I hang up and lay back down, holding Sierra. I wanted her to have a happy ending. It’s not too late, is it? She rolls over in her sleep, feebly reaching for me.
“Chase,” she mumbles and curling into my arms. I close my eyes feeling more determined than ever to make this woman happy. Her phone rings and I reach over to her side of the bed to silence it.
Lisa is calling, and seeing her name on Sierra’s phone makes a chill settle in the room. She’s going to tell Sierra about the messages if I don’t. It wasn’t an empty threat. Lisa has proved more than once that she’s not my biggest fan and feels that she needs to protect Sierra…no matter what the cost.
I admire her loyalty and fierce friendship. That kind of bond is something we all long for. To have that best friend stand up for you even when you’re wrong. To risk pissing you off because they know it’s for your own good. To care about you more than you care about yourself.
One Call Away Page 29