Except Lisa gets too caught up. She acts before she thinks. And she doesn’t like to be wrong. Sierra told me that Lisa already dug up dirt on me. She’d love another chance to prove how bad I am.
Maybe I am bad. I did listen to the messages. The intimate words weren’t meant for me to hear. They weren’t meant for anyone but a ghost. And I listened.
“Morning,” Sierra mumbles and pushes herself up. “Or maybe afternoon?”
“It’s afternoon. Want anything? I can get you breakfast. Or lunch. You probably want water, right?”
“Yeah.” Sierra rubs her eyes and sighs. “I should be taking care of you still.”
“You are.”
She brings her knees to her chest and closes her eyes. “I did a lot of thinking between passing out from too much wine.”
“Yeah?”
“And I still can’t come up with a reason why this happened. I like to think things happen for a reason. Maybe it’s bullshit we tell ourselves so it’s easier to deal with shitty situations. Losing Jake…” Tears fall from her eyes. “I didn’t find a reason for that either.” She turns, and the pain in her eyes breaks my heart. “But then I met you. And then this happens. I…I…don’t know why.”
“Don’t look for a reason,” I tell her softly. “You won’t find one.”
I grip Sierra’s hand tightly as we stand for the final prayer in church. We’re in the back, and the lack of emotions coming from Sierra is worrying me. We spent the rest of Saturday in bed, talking about what could have been. It was harder on me than I’d ever admit. I’m not the kind of person to play out the what-ifs in life. I’m more of a repress-and-move-on type of guy, but Sierra needed to talk about it.
Mourn it.
Miss it.
And start to heal from it.
This time, she has me to help.
I went to bed Saturday night with Sierra wrapped in my arms. As I was drifting to sleep, Sierra softly whispered my name.
Maybe this happened to bring us closer together, she had said. If we can get through this, we can get through anything.
This morning, Sierra was quiet and calm, going about her normal routine but void of any emotion. She wasn’t sad. She wasn’t happy. Tinkerbell walked back and forth on the table, sticking her paw in Sierra’s coffee during breakfast. And Sierra just sat there, petting the cat as if she were unaware of everything else around her.
I’m not good with stuff like this. The loss of the pregnancy is hitting Sierra hard, and she’s not coping in a normal way. She’s been down this dark path before, and I know all too well how easy it is to fall back on old habits.
The prayer ends and the choir starts singing again. The children are in the front, and Dakota catches my eye and waves. I smile back and give Sierra’s hand a reassuring squeeze.
On the way out, her sister catches up to us. Sierra told me more than once how uptight her sister is, and how it’s made it hard for the two of them to get along. Though right now, her sister’s eyes—which are the same shade of green as Sierra’s—are full of worry.
“Mom told me what happened at the bar,” she starts. “I’m sorry.”
Her apology shocks me, but Sierra only blinks.
“Thanks,” I tell Sam.
“Our mother can be difficult. Ignore her. I know you two are happy.”
“We are,” Sierra says, voice flat.
Sam looks at her sister, eyes narrowing. “Are you okay, Sierra?”
“Fine.” Sierra’s eyes are on the ground.
Sam shifts her gaze to me. “She’s tired,” I tell her.
Sam nods but doesn’t look convinced. “I’ll see you guys tonight, right?”
“Right. We’ll be there for dinner.”
“Okay. Bye.”
Panic starts to rise in my chest. Sierra is hurting and I want to make her better. I want to take the pain away but I don’t know how. We make it outside and into the parking lot when Dakota runs over, throwing her arms around my waist.
Sierra blinks in the bright sunlight and smiles at my niece. It’s just one smile but it makes me feel much better.
“Are you going fishing with me, Uncle Chase?”
Before I answer, I look at Sierra. Yesterday, the plan was for me to go fishing while Sierra hangs out at home. But now I’m not sure if I should leave her alone.
“He is,” Sierra answers for me. She’s still smiling. It’s forced, though I don’t think anyone else could tell. “Did you know your uncle has never gone fishing before?”
Dakota’s mouth falls open.
“So you’re going to have to teach him.”
Dakota jumps up and down with excitement. “I can do that! We’re going to have so much fun!” She skips back off to Josh, who’s talking to his in-laws. He gives me a wave and puts his hand on Dakota’s shoulder to keep her from running away again.
“Are you sure you don’t mind me going?” I ask Sierra.
“Not at all. I think I’m going to lie down and read the rest of the day. Or clean. The house is due for a good cleaning.” Her voice is flat, and the way she’s just going out things isn’t right.
“Okay. I won’t be gone long.”
She presses another smile and takes my hand again. We’re almost to the car when we’re stopped again by Lisa. She’s with her parents and sister, all of whom I met at the last family dinner. Sierra’s aunt is talking to her, and Lisa slips away, moving close to me.
“Did you tell her?” she whispers harshly.
“Not yet.”
“You have to tell her.”
“I will,” I promise. “Now’s not a good time.”
Lisa shakes her head. “When is there a good time to tell your girlfriend you not only listened to, but kept all her messages meant for her dead boyfriend?”
“There’s not a good time. But trust me, right now is not the time to do it.”
Lisa narrows her eyes. “Trust you? I hardly like you. I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt for Sierra’s sake. You tell her, or I will.”
Anger surges through me. “If you care about Sierra like you say you do, you’ll fucking wait,” I say through gritted teeth. “Give her some time.” I glance up, making sure no one can hear us. Sierra says something to her aunt that makes her smile, and my heart softens.
“Give her time?”
“Yes. Don’t like me. Don’t trust me. But fucking listen for Sierra's sake, who you say you care about. It’s not my place to go into details, just…just be there for her.”
Sierra comes back and I put my arm around her.
“Hey, Lisa,” she says sounding a bit like her old self. “Are you coming to dinner tonight?”
Lisa looks right at me. “I wouldn’t miss it.”
My first fishing experience was interesting, to say the least. Doing anything with a four-year-old has the potential to end up being disastrous, and when you throw in live bait, yards of tangly fishing line, and a muddy riverbank, you’re playing with fire. Still, spending time outside with my brother and niece was nice. Needed, even. It was a good way to decompress, and now that I’m showered and changed and headed to Sierra’s house, I feel I have a clearer head to offer her.
I park in front of Sierra’s house and get out of my car, squinting in the bright sunlight. Lisa’s car is parked next to Sierra’s BMW. We have to be at her parents’ in an hour for dinner, and I was hoping to have some alone time with her before then.
The screen door opens and smacks shut. Lisa emerges from the porch and stops short when she sees me.
“Hey,” I say, trying to be civil. Not getting along with her best friend will upset Sierra. “Did you two talk?”
“Yes,” she says, the word leaving her mouth like a hiss. “We did.”
“Did Sierra tell you?”
“She told me everything.”
A knot loosens in my chest. Sierra needs to talk about this, needs to let her friends and family know what she’s going through. “She’s hurting more than she lets on.”
I run my hand through my hair. “I am too,” I say quietly.
Lisa lets out a snort of laughter. “You did it to her.”
The harshness in her words shocks me. “We did it to each other.”
“You are unbelievable.” She rolls her eyes. “Don’t act like you’re so hurt by something you did for your benefit.”
“It’s not like I meant to get her pregnant, but I certainly didn’t want her to lose it either.” I shake my head. “I’ve met some nasty people in my life, and you’re taking it to a whole new level.”
“What?” The color leaves Lisa’s face.
“You don’t like me. Sierra’s mom doesn’t like me. Judy Henson doesn’t like me. This whole town wishes I would leave. I get it. I fucking get it. But who the fuck are you to say I’m not allowed to be hurt by this? It was my baby too.”
Lisa’s hands go to her chest and she struggles to breathe. “Sierra had a miscarriage? I…I didn’t know. Oh my God.” Her eyes widen and she looks like she might puke. “That’s why you said to wait.”
My heart drops out of my chest. Lisa doesn’t have to say it for me to know: she told Sierra about the messages. That’s what they talked about. Sierra hadn’t told her about the baby. Instead of being allowed to heal, Lisa came in and ripped her heart into even more broken pieces.
I run past Lisa and into the house. “Sierra!” I call, but she doesn’t answer. She’s not in the living room or the kitchen. I check her bedroom. She’s not there. I race to the back porch, but she’s not there either. My head spins and my heart is going to explode. I need to find Sierra. I need to make things right. She’s hurting so fucking bad already.
Sierra isn’t in the house. I stand at the top of the stairs, panic rising in my chest. Where the hell did she go? I whirl around, remembering the hidden room. In a fury of desperation, I go into the closet and move the trapdoor.
Sierra is sitting cross-legged on the ground. Her back is to me and she’s clicking the flashlight on and off.
“Sierra?”
She doesn’t turn around.
“Sierra.” I emerge through the crawlspace and stand, going over to her. I sit on the dusty floor and put my hand on her thigh. She clicks the flashlight off and then on again.
“Lisa told me you have Jake’s old phone. She said all the messages I left him are still there and you listened to them. It sounds too crazy to be true.”
I want to tell her yes, it’s too crazy and Lisa is making up shit, but it’s okay because we have each other. I can delete the voicemails and give her the phone. She’d never know.
But I can’t lie.
“It is true.”
Sierra turns to me, and the hurt and betrayal on her face is the worst thing I’ve ever seen. “I don’t understand.”
“Whoever cleared the memory on his phone didn’t do it properly before selling it,” I slowly explain. “They manually deleted things but forgot to go in and get rid of the messages. I didn’t know it was you at first. Not until you gave me your number that day at the bookstore.”
“But you still listened to them after you knew?”
“I did.” The confession is like a knife to my heart. “I shouldn’t have and I’m sorry.”
The light turns off and when Sierra turns it back on, tears are streaming down her face. “I struggled so much with the guilt I felt about wanting to know about your past. I knew you had been arrested and I told myself it didn’t matter because the person you are right now is all that matters. And you…you knew everything about me. The things I said in those messages…” She shuts the light off again. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want to risk hurting you. Or losing you. I love you, Sierra.”
“You haven’t deleted them.”
“No, and I have no good reason for that. I’m so sorry. After I heard the first one I had to keep listening. Your words spoke to me in a way I never thought was possible.”
She clicks on the light. “The words weren’t for you.”
Silence falls between us, and I hear my rapid heartbeat in my ears. “It’s hot up here. Let’s go downstairs and talk.”
“There’s nothing to talk about,” she says and her voice breaks. “I figured it out.” Her eyelids shut and a river of tears pour down her cheeks. I reach out to wipe them away and kiss her lips, but she pushes me away.
“I know the reason,” she goes on with a shaky voice. “All of this happened…losing Jake…meeting you…getting pregnant just to lose it…it was to remind me that I’ll never get a happy ending.”
“No. Sierra, no. That’s not true. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you. A happy ending. Before I even met you, I wished for you to be happy.”
“You need to go.”
“Don’t say that. Please, Sierra.” My breath catches in my chest. My throat tightens and I think I’m dying. “You don’t mean it.”
“I do.” She closes her eyes and wraps her arms around herself. “I can’t do this, Chase. I trusted you and this whole time you…you had this information on me and kept going like things were normal.”
“I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to tell you. I was going to tell you. Just not now. Not after the loss.”
“I have a hard time believing you. What if we hadn’t lost the baby? Would you have waited until it was born? And then waited again?”
“I…I don’t know. All I know is that I love you more than anything, Sierra.”
“I need some time alone.”
“I’ll go downstairs and wait. I’ll be there, whenever you’re ready.”
“No. Leave. Please. If you love me like you say you do, then go.”
Tears fill my eyes. I’ve never cried in my adult life before. “I do love you.”
“Then go.”
I look down and feel a tear roll down my cheek. I angrily brush it away and go through the crawlspace. I leave the trapdoor open, hoping to get some fresh air inside the hidden room to keep Sierra from getting overheated.
I stand, feeling dizzy. I want to tell myself things will be okay. That Sierra will be upset and mad at me for a while but will understand. I didn’t do anything on purpose to hurt her. Yet the betrayal and invasion of privacy is blatant and I have no excuse for what I did.
I fucked up, and it cost me the love of my life.
The world spins around me and my vision blurs from the tears that are pooling in my eyes. Somehow, I make it down the stairs and onto the porch. Lisa is sitting on the bench, holding one of the many decorative pillows Sierra set out. Her eyes are wet from crying.
“Chase,” she starts and stands. “I didn’t know.”
I turn to her, unable to hide the incredible pain on my face.
“No,” she says and starts crying. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s too late,” I croak out and turn away. I get into my car and lose the battle against my emotions. I pull out of the driveway and speed down the private road, not stopping until I’m in the parking lot of The Mill House.
I get out and look at the familiar brick building. The sound of the river, once calming, sounds foreign.
This place is no longer home.
31
Sierra
I flip open the pocketknife and look at the blade. It’s dull from use over the years but still gets the job done. I bring my finger to the tip, feeling the sharpness of the metal. I press it into my skin, welcoming the pain.
My head drops and I close my eyes. Tears rain down on the box in front of me. It’s Monday morning, and I’m alone at The Book Bag. A big shipment of signed books just arrived, and I should be ecstatic.
I cannot stop crying.
I miss Chase.
I miss his arms around me. I miss the way he made me laugh. I miss how safe I felt with him snuggled up next to me at night.
I miss the way I trusted him.
I miss the lie he led me to believe.
I just miss him.
My bo
dy shudders from a sob, and the dull blade slices into my skin. Warm blood pools on the tip of my finger, dripping down onto my hand. I watch it, knowing I should get up and wash the cut, yet I’m unable to move.
My phone rings again, for the tenth time this morning. Chase keeps calling, and I haven’t answered. He leaves a message every time he calls, and I don’t know if he’s trying to be ironic or not. I haven’t listened to a single message. It’s like the rug’s been pulled from beneath my feet, and the man I thought I knew and loved is a different person. The betrayal runs deep, and it’s not something I can look past. Not yet at least.
Everyone warned me about him.
They said he was dangerous.
I guess they were right.
My finger starts to throb. I set the knife on top of the box and get up, going through the store to the backroom. I wash out the cut, watching the water push the flap of skin back. I’m too numb inside to react. I wait until the water running off my hand goes from red to clear, and then I bandage my finger up and go back to the storefront and open the box. Burying myself in work is what got me through the aftermath of losing Jake. As long as I have the store, I can keep my mind busy enough to get by.
Maybe.
Doubtfully.
Because it feels like everything inside of me is dead. It won’t take long before it starts to fester and rot away.
I take a stack of Scarlett Levine’s latest book and start putting them away on the shelf when someone comes into the store.
“Sierra?” Lisa calls. “I brought you coffee.” She comes around the aisle and extends a to-go cup.
“You can put it on the counter,” I answer flatly.
“Okay.” She sets it down and picks up my phone. “Chase is calling you.”
“Yeah,” I say and move books around and feel Lisa’s eyes on me. She came in after Chase left yesterday and told me about their talk. How he said he’d come clean but wanted to wait. How sorry she was because she had no idea I’d gotten pregnant…and then lost it.
“Are you not talking to him?”
“No.”
“Maybe you should. You should deal with the loss together.”
One Call Away Page 30