Cowgirl Thrillers

by Barbara Neville

“On the positive side,” I say. “We saved Painter’s life, twice. We retrieved Shaz and Spud. We got that bastard Soames, finally, and knocked off a number of his cohorts. I’m hopin’ we solved the evil Soames problem entirely.”

  “We also found one buffalo carving and know of another, of which we had no previous knowledge,” says Buzz.

  “Blast,” says Sir Jacob, as he walks into the room, preoccupied. “Did Buzz tell you how he believes Soames could have found us?”

  I look up from my post interrogation cookie.

  “No. How?” I ask.

  Buzz swallows his mouthful of cookie and says, “I believe the Ugh may have a mechanism for location. Many planets have satellites in geosynchronous orbit for navigation. But apparently the Rock does not. So, the Ugh would have to have an alternate method of determining location. We lack the data to know positively.”

  “I saw you pull some wires loose,” I say, looking at Sir Jacob. “wouldn’t that have killed it? Or, at least, turned it off?”

  “Yes, but were they the only power source? I do not know,” he says. “Personally, I believe that I inadvertently did kill it. I reattached the wires. It will do nothing now. Nary a whir nor a blink.”

  “Sound good. Wolf would have killed it right off.”

  We look behind us. Yep, it’s Wolf. Mitch and that bitch Crystal are following him. I reach for my pistol, then realize that Spud is behind them. They have removed the cuffs from both those assholes. Shit.

  The four grab cookies and pour drinks, then join us around the recently righted table.

  I make a face.

  “You got a plan fer these two assholes?” I ask. “I gotta couple of bullets here. Be glad to scratch their initials on them fer souvenirs.

  Crystal inhales a bucket of air, ready to verbally blast me.

  “Now just settle down you two,” says Spud looking back and forth at both of us.

  “Sorry,” says Crystal. “I know I promised not to call her a cunt again.”

  “Bitch,” I say.

  Spud looks daggers at me, “We had a long powwow. I plan to let ‘em out on their own recognizance.”

  I jump up ready to fight, “What?”

  “Now, easy, darlin’,” says Spud, holding his hands out in a calming gesture. “Settle down and listen a second.”

  I sit down, grudgingly.

  Spud continues, “Normally, I’d ship them off planet, but we gotta be sure that Mitch's info on the location of the second buffalo carvin’ is good. We can’t get out there now. Have you looked outside? There’s a blizzard movin’ in. We need a long break in the weather before we will be able to get over the pass to look for that’n. Likely won’t happen ‘til spring.”

  “But…” I say.

  “Bear with me, gal,” Spud continues. “We got to think about them foolish Newzona pilgrims. They oughtn’t set out on their little adventure before spring. Winter is no time fer fools to travel.”

  “So, tell you what. I am thinkin’. We can kill two birds with one stone here. I am goin’ to take Crystal and Mitch into town. They can spend the nights in jail. That way Tindall can keep an eye on ‘em. Evenin’s are the prime time fer them to get in trouble. Also, them pilgrims are antsy. If they head out alone and unprepared this time of year, they are likey to end up dead.

  “I’ll to put Mitch and Crystal on work release, Tindall can take ‘em out at first. They’ll go for the daylight hours only out to the pilgrim camp and get them city folks fitted out for the winter. After that, they can start training them pilgrims to handle livestock and all the other stuff they need to learn for their journey come spring. That will keep the pilgrims busy so they don’t get antsy.

  “Good gawds, I hope you know what yore doin’,” I say, mock shuddering.

  “Work is good for the troubled soul. And these two surely need to think about joining the straight and narrow,” says Spud.

  I look at Wolf. He is nodding in agreement.

  I throw my hands in the air.

  Spud nods at my acquiescence and says, “Seems like we oughta be able to get back to ranchin’ after that.”

  “Spirit deer waiting.”

  “Wolf,” I say, giving him the evil eye. “We found a spirit bird, a spirit girl, a spirit buffalo and a spirit buffalo cave. Also, a carving of a spirit buffalo. We got the guy here, Mitch, who has a lead to finding the other spirit buffalo carvin’. You also saw the spirit deer. True, I didn’t, but winter is roarin’ in now. And I, for one, am plumb tuckered. Can we take some time off from spirit questin’?”

  “I agree with Annie,” says Spud. “We need to get them pilgrim friends of Zeb and Trixie’s on track. If Mitch and Crystal work hard, they can get them sorted out. I did say I’d help them pioneers find their Shangri La come spring. We have agreed to get all the maps and papers together and consult.”

  Sir Jacob nods and says, “A recuperative period does seem advisable.”

  Buzz nods in agreement, even the immortal alien looks slightly bushed.

  Michael has his head down on the table, fast asleep.

  “What say, Wolf?” I ask.

  Wolf picks up another cookie. He turns, looks me in the eye and says, “Mm.”

  Then he stands up and walks out.

  Is ‘Mm’ a yes or a no? Damned if I know.

  Cowboy Dictionary