“No, we’ve been running since we left the hospital.”
“What happened exactly?” Cap asked, staring at my bruised face.
“Let’s just say that this one causes trouble when she’s hungry,” I said, jerking my thumb in Raegan’s direction. She glared at me, but there was no heat behind it. We walked inside the massive house after Cap went through the ten different security measures Knight had in place. “So, how are Ice and Hunter? Who’s with them at the hospital?”
Cazzo and Derek wouldn’t look at me and Cap’s face was grim.
“They didn’t make it,” Cap finally said after a minute. “Neither did Gabe.”
I was just standing there staring, my heart slowing to an almost deadly pace. Air wouldn’t fill my lungs and it wasn’t until Raegan slipped her hand into mine that I finally took a breath. “But…” I shook my head, unable to find the right words. When I spoke again, my voice was strangled. “Gabe just had a head injury. It was just a concussion. And Hunter and Ice were doing better. They survived the surgery. How…I don’t understand what the hell happened.”
“Those men that were after Raegan, one of them posed as a doctor. He injected all of them with something to send them into cardiac arrest. The only reason Burg made it out was because he was so anxious to get out of the bed, he had already taken out his IV. The doctors did everything they could, but it was too late. The dose was too high. The real doctor was found unconscious in the basement.”
“No, this has to be a mistake. I saw that doctor. I would have-”
“You had already gone after Raegan,” Cap cut in.
I narrowed my eyes at him. “Are you saying this is my fault?”
“No, I’m saying that you couldn’t have known anything because you weren’t there when the guy poisoned Gabe. The guy got past all of us.”
My eyes dropped to the ground as I tried to make my way through the muddled thoughts in my brain. It wasn’t right. This had to be some kind of sick joke. “Where’s his body?” I asked quietly.
“Jackson-”
“I want to see his fucking body!”
“Don’t do this,” Cap shook his head. “Don’t go down this road.”
“I wasn’t there.” I looked at Derek, who was still avoiding eye contact with me. “Were you there?” Derek nodded. “You saw it? You saw them die?”
“I was outside Hunter’s room. He-” Derek cleared his throat, “They tried, but they couldn’t get a rhythm back.”
I turned to Cazzo, hoping for a different answer. “Believe me, my sister is torn up over this. I would give anything to change what happened, but I can’t. They’re gone, Jackson.”
“Knight and Kate had to stay behind to get the bodies processed for transport. They’ll be arriving in a few days. Some of Cash’s men stayed behind to help protect them.”
“To help them protect dead bodies?” I laughed humorlessly.
“They’re still our family, dead or alive,” Cap bit out.
I felt tears burning behind my eyes and had to get out of there before I lost it in front of everyone. I cleared my throat and shoved past them. “What rooms are still available?”
“There’s one down the hall,” Cazzo pointed off to the left. “Second door on the right.”
I nodded and headed that way, clenching my jaw to keep my emotions under control. Every step was painful and squeezed my chest tighter and tighter. I found the door to the bedroom and slammed it behind me. I stumbled to the bathroom, sure I was going to lose whatever was left in my stomach. I made it to the toilet just in time to wretch and then the first tear fell. I flipped on the water in the shower and sat down on the fancy tiled floor.
It was bad enough that Ice and Hunter were gone, but Chance was missing and now Gabe…I would never work with him again. Now I had no one. My sanity was unraveling one strand at a time until all I could think about was smashing everything in sight. I yelled as loud as I could, unleashing the pain in my chest. Raegan appeared before me and went to wrap her arms around me, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t take her in my arms right now and allow myself to be comforted by her. Had this been my fault? I had gone after Raegan when I was posted outside Gabe’s room.
I shoved Raegan back, not wanting her near me, but she didn’t let up. She kept pushing her way through my battling arms until she could finally wrap herself around my body. I cried into her shoulder as she ran her hand up and down my back.
“It’s my fucking fault. I left him.”
“It’s not your fault,” Raegan assured me. “You didn’t poison him. You didn’t kill him.”
“I walked away. I went after you,” I said angrily. “He’s dead because I made a choice. He was already injured and he couldn’t fight back. I did this to him,” I yelled.
“By that logic, it’s my fault that he’s dead. I’m the one that came to the hospital when I shouldn’t have.”
I shook my head, not wanting to do this right now with her. I didn’t blame her. She was right, it wasn’t my fault or even hers, but the guilt was overwhelming and I just couldn’t take the comfort. “Fuck, I can’t do this with you right now. I’m not trying to hurt you, but I can’t be with you right now. I need some space.”
I swiped the water from my face and pulled back from her. I could see the hurt on her face and I felt horrible for it, but it was all too much to deal with. And then my eyes slid closed when I realized that I was being a total jackass. I wasn’t the only one hurting. I had to go see Isa.
✯✯✯✯✯
After pulling myself together and changing into some dry clothes, I finally worked up the courage to go see Isa. I had grown closer with her and the kids since Gabe had gotten together with her. There were many nights that I would go over for a beer after work and Isa would ask me to stay for dinner. Those kids had become like my own niece and nephew.
I found Isa outside on the back deck with Cazzo. He had his arm around her back, but she wasn’t leaning into him or taking any comfort. This had to be killing her. I approached slowly and cleared my throat as I stepped in front of her.
“Isa, I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am.” When her eyes met mine, her expression was vacant. The only thing I saw was a dead soul, or what I imagined it would look like. “Gabe was…” I couldn’t think of what to say and trying to come up with something comforting on the spot was impossible. What did I say about a man that had been there for me through everything?
“Gabe was what?” she asked with just a hint of anger. “Surely, you have something you can say about him.”
“Fuck, Isa, there’s so much I could say about him, but this is all too much. I just found out and I don’t even know what to say.”
Isa stood and shrugged Cazzo’s arm off her. “How about sorry? It was you that was supposed to be watching him, right? You were supposed to have his back, but you didn’t. You took off and went after Raegan.”
I glanced at Cazzo and he hung his head, scrubbing a hand over his face.
“You’re right. I shouldn’t have left and I’ll hate myself every day for the rest of my life for that choice. Those kids-”
“Don’t you dare stand there and pretend that you know anything about what those kids are going through.” Her voice quivered and the few tears that slipped free were quickly swiped from her face. “So much for brotherhood or whatever the fuck you call this.”
“Isa,” Cazzo said standing. “This wasn’t his fault. What happened-”
“No!” she shouted, cutting him off. “I would think you of all people would be happy. You never wanted me with him to begin with. He wasn’t good enough for me, right? He was going to break my heart. Turns out that my own brother and Gabe’s best friend are responsible for that.” She shook her head and then looked back to me. “You had one job.”
When she stormed away, I didn’t know quite what to do. I was so fucking lost and I didn’t know how to make any of this right.
“She’s hurting right now,” Cazzo said, trying to make me f
eel better.
“She’ll always be hurting. I can’t blame her. Everything she said was true. I was supposed to be there and I failed.”
“Gabe, the doctor that did that, he got past all of us. His credentials were spot-on. There was nothing that would make any of us think he wasn’t a doctor at that hospital.”
“But if I had stayed-”
“He still would be dead.” Cazzo placed his hand on my shoulder and gave me a firm squeeze. “It’s not your fault and beating yourself up about it isn’t going to help anything.”
“What am I supposed to do now?” I asked quietly. “My team is gone.”
“Chance is gone, but we don’t know if he’s alive or dead. You have to keep things in check if you want to help find him. Spiraling out of control isn’t going to help you any.”
He walked away and I stood there wondering where the hell I went from here.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Jackson
I couldn’t just sit around anymore. I’d been here for a day and no one was doing anything. Chance and Craig were missing. Three of our men were dead. We had no idea where Morgan was. This shit had to stop.
“Cap.” I motioned for him to meet me in one of the empty rooms. He followed me in and shut the door. “What the fuck is going on? Do we have any leads on Chance?”
“Becky’s been looking, but she doesn’t have much. We know that he was put on a plane, but she can’t find a flight plan or who owns the plane. There’s no information about someone renting it or who was on the plane. Everything is gone.”
“How is that possible? How can someone just erase a flight plan?”
“Whoever it is has the right connections. She’s still digging and Rob is looking into Morgan’s disappearance, but it’s not looking good.”
“What the hell do we do then? I can’t just sit here and hide out. I need to do something. I need to get the fuck out there and look for him.”
“Jackson, you have to calm down,” Cap said in a stern voice. “Going out and getting yourself killed isn’t going to help. We’re short on men and too many of us are injured. And don’t give me that bullshit about going out right now. You’re limping around and I can see the pain on your face when you move.”
“What about Cash? He was supposed to come out here.”
“He met up with us and helped us get here, but he has his own jobs right now. With nothing to go on, I can’t ask him to just stick around in case. We need information and a plan.”
“What about Raegan? If those men in the hospital were after her, what are the chances they’re connected to The Broker?”
His face morphed in confusion. “I’ve already talked to Raegan. Haven’t you talked to her?”
“Not today,” I said hesitantly. I didn’t want to tell Cap that I couldn’t be around her right now.
“She’s with Becky going over photos of men that we know are involved. Raegan said that she saw a man in the hospital and recognized him, but she didn’t have a name to put with the face. The problem is, we don’t have a whole hell of a lot of pictures for her to go through. She said that she never really got a lot of names, but she has addresses that we can check out. We just need to know how everything fits together. It’s possible that the addresses she has are completely useless.”
“What about Storm? Have you heard anything from him?”
“Not a word.”
“Okay, then Chief. Maybe he has-”
Cap held up his hand. “Look, I get that you need to do something, but we’ve covered all of these things. Trust me, Becky, Rob, and Maggie are digging into this and trying to find any leads on Chance and Craig. Look, we’ll have a meeting as soon as we find something out. I need you to let Becky and Rob do their jobs. And you know Maggie, she doesn’t let anything go until she’s gone after every lead.”
I couldn’t fight Cap any more on this. I didn’t have any other ideas to check out. I stormed out of the room, heading for anywhere that no one else was. I didn’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone. I didn’t want the pitying gazes from the other guys. They were all going through this, the same as me, but they had the support of their teams. I had no one left. And the shitty part was, it was all my fault.
“Jackson!” I cringed at the sound of Raegan’s voice. She wanted to talk. She always wanted to fucking talk. Ever since yesterday, she had hunted me down several times just to check in. I turned to her with a cold expression, hoping she would get the hint to leave me alone for now. She didn’t.
“How are you?”
“Same as yesterday and this morning when you asked.”
“Jackson, I know this is hard for you and you need some space, but sometimes talking it out helps.”
“Really? Is that why I haven’t heard a fucking word about anything you went through with Xavier?”
She took a step back, her face filling with sadness. “It’s not the same. No one close to me died.”
“It doesn’t matter, Raegan. Something shitty happened to you and you don’t want to talk about it any more than I do.”
“But I could-”
“No,” I cut her off. “You can’t do anything. I don’t want you to sit there and hold my fucking hand. And I don’t want you to tell me it’s not my fault when I know goddamn well that it is my fault. I went after you. I left him alone. He’s dead because I walked away.”
“And what about Chris and Lola? Are they responsible too? Because they were watching Hunter and Ice and that didn’t stop someone from killing them.”
“It’s not the same. They stuck to their posts. I fucking left! That’s the difference. I went after you, and you weren’t even supposed to be there,” I laughed mockingly. “Isn’t that the shit kicker of the whole thing? I left to go after you when you were supposed to keep your fucking ass at the safe house.”
“So, this is my fault?” she asked incredulously. “Are we just blaming anyone that walks by now? I’m sure we could blame the hospital staff and the janitor. Maybe if he would have waxed the hallways, the fake doctor would have slipped and fell and thwarted the whole plan!”
“Can’t you just fucking stop? Just stop! I don’t want your help. I need to be in this place right now because there’s no one else to blame. I can’t go after those assholes and kill them because I don’t even know who they fucking are. So, let me be pissed at myself and just leave me the fuck alone.”
I turned and walked away before she could say anything else. I really didn’t want to be a dick, but I didn’t want her to keep coming to me. I just needed some goddamn space to work through this and get my head on straight, no matter how long that took.
✯✯✯✯✯
Finding a place to be by myself proved difficult. Everywhere I turned, someone was there, crying over the loss of a loved one or trying to entertain the kids. Since everyone was brought to the panic room, all the men and women that trained and protected the kids were there also. They had come with us and were looking after the kids for the most part, trying to keep them focused on something other than what was happening around them. Lindsey and Isa weren’t really up to taking care of their kids right now, and in reality, the kids didn’t want to sit with their crying mothers. Very little had been said to the kids about what happened. I didn’t know for sure they had even been told yet.
I wandered out to one of the trails around the house. The property Knight had was massive and he had sensors, cameras, and electric fencing set up everywhere because there was no way to secure the grounds otherwise. Still, it made me feel like I was doing something if I walked the trails and could at least tell myself that I was looking for threats. Lola must have been thinking the same thing because she was headed toward me. I was hoping she wouldn’t stop to talk, but I wasn’t that lucky.
“Trying to clear your head?” she asked.
I shrugged, not really wanting to talk. “Just…”
“Yeah, it fucks with your head. Ryan doesn’t really understand it. He keeps telling me it’s not my fault,
that it’s the men that attacked us.”
I scoffed, feeling like everyone was telling me the same fucking thing. “Yeah, well, at least you didn’t leave Hunter. I left Gabe and I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for that.”
“Raegan was also your job though. It’s not like you could just stay behind when you knew she was in trouble.”
“She wasn’t supposed to be there. Why is it that they never listen? It’s our job to protect people, but the people we protect always do whatever the hell they want. It just makes me wonder…”
We walked in silence for a moment and Lola waited for me to continue, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to. If I said it, I felt like it was a decision I was making.
“It makes you wonder if you should be doing this,” she finished after a minute. “I felt the same thing. When I freaked out on the job, I wondered if I should be doing this. I mean, I told myself that I was strong and I had been doing it for years with no issues, but I couldn’t make myself face everyone. I could feel the judgement coming off everyone before I even entered Reed Security.”
“No one judged you. I think we were all wondering if we would have handled it as well as you did for so long.”
“Yeah, that was the problem, I wasn’t handling it. I was hiding and making excuses. When Cap made me take leave, I kept thinking back to all the times I might have gotten someone killed because I might have flipped out. I felt like I had made a string of bad choices.”
“But you’re okay now.”
“Yeah,” she smiled. “Because I’ve learned to deal with it and I have Ryan. I know that you don’t want to need Raegan right now, but I can see that you really like her, possibly love her. You know, it’s not a bad thing to let someone in.”
“You know, sometimes I miss fierce, kickass Lola.”
A loud chuckle burst from her lips and the most beautiful smile lit her face. “Yeah, me too, but I think this version is so much better. I’m kickass when I need to be, but Ryan completes me.”
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