My Secrets Your Lies

by N'Tyse

  Sand

  The van barely missed me. I quickly swerved and ran up on a curb and into a fire hydrant. “Fuck!” I yelled, angry at whoever it was that couldn’t read the goddamn yield sign. I knew from the impact that Ms. Lady was definitely bruised. I backed the car up, pulled off the service road and into a half-empty car lot. I opened my car door, got out, and walked around the front of the car to view the damage.

  “Are you okay, son?” an elderly woman asked when she saw me get out of the car. She and her friend with her had seen the whole thing.

  “Yes, ma’am, I’m all right.”

  “I tell ya one thing. People can’t drive no more like they used to. I’m just glad they missed ya, or that would have been an ugly wreck.” Grandma looked like she was pushing ninety, and so did her friend, and they were actually shopping around for vehicles. That shit had to be against the law. They walked off, going back to what they were doing.

  Ms. Lady was all right, despite the dent and the new paint job I was going to have to give her. She was still drivable. I wondered why so much shit had been happening to me lately. Was this God’s way of punishing me for something I did? I hopped back in my car and drove out of the car lot. I looked in the rearview and took in the stares of those who watched me as I drove away. I didn’t know where I was headed, but my pedal was damn near all the way down to the floor. I was mad as hell. Images of Rene flashed through my mind as I remembered once again what Shun had told me. I punched the steering wheel with my fist several times like a maniac. I couldn’t believe Rene. She had a baby with some man. I had thought she loved me and only me.

  Screech!

  I made a quick, sharp turn. Fuck going home. I needed to get away. I didn’t know where I was going, but I was going. I had so much shit running through my mind that I could not think straight. She fucked off on me, I thought. Even though I had cheated on her with Jasmine on more than one occasion, I still felt that her fucking off was the ultimate betrayal. She hadn’t wanted for a muthafuckin’ thing. And this was how she repaid me? “This is the thanks I get?” I hollered. Over and over again, I thought back to how I would call her cell and not be able to reach her. I thought back to how she had come home with hickeys and shit, lying by saying they were mosquito bites. I recalled the numerous occasions when she had come home and I would go down on her like the shit was all mine. How wrong had I been? I wanted to fuckin’ throw up.

  Just wait till I see that bitch. She got me fucked up.

  * * *

  I was in la-la land by the time the young bartender poured me another drink. I was posted up on a bar stool, downing the last of six glasses of vodka. I was tossing them back-to-back, straight to the head, no sip-sip shit. I gave him a hundred-dollar bill to go on top of that shelf of theirs and pull me down some liquor.

  “You gonna be all right there, buddy?”

  “Yeah, I’m straight.” I tried sliding myself off the stool—first the right foot and then the left.

  Boom!

  I hit the floor. He rushed over to grab me and pull me up to my feet, but he was unsuccessful. “Damn, man, you gonna get me fired. We just got this place. My pops is gonna kill me if he finds out I gave you that much to drink. You know, we could lose our license.” I was in a daze. I could hardly hear or see. “Man, we gotta get you home. I can’t let you leave like this. What’s your name, buddy? You got a name? Is there anybody that can come pick ya up? Huh?”

  “My name Sssss.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Cccaasssandra.”

  “Cassandra? Wait a minute. You’s a woman?” He laughed. “You’re shitting me. So, uh, you one of them there butchos? Cool. I ain’t never seen no black girl butcho, ’specially being over here in this hick town and all. I thought only us had that problem.” He started laughing some more. I was still on the floor, helpless. “Damn, you could’ve fooled me.” I could feel him bring me to my feet and then slide me into a booth. He laid me down and stretched my feet out.

  He went on. “Now, I’m gonna go through your wallet and see if I can find somebody to come get you. My dad won’t be gone long.” I felt him slide his hand into my pocket. “I’m going through your wallet right now. I’m not stealing your money. I’m grabbing a card out. It says, ‘Nessa, barber and beautician.’”

  I nodded my head and groaned so he could see me.

  “Okay, I’ll call her.” It was quiet, and then I heard him punching in numbers on a phone. “Hello. May I speak to Nessa? Nessa, hi. This is Jim. I have a friend of yours here at my bar, and she, or I mean he, won’t be able to drive tonight. Cassandra, I believe, is the name.” I heard the young bartender pause for a minute. “You want to know how his hair is? Uh, okay. It’s braided back. It’s long, and there are some cool-looking white beads hangin’ on the ends. Yes, it’s been a couple of hours. Yes. Okay. You exit at Keller Springs and make a right. Go down until you see the little redbrick building that says Big Jim’s Place. Okay. I’ll tell him, I mean, her.”

  Click.

  “Hey, your friend Nessa say she gonna send a friend to come and get you. Just hang tight. If my pops gets here, you staggered in like this, okay?”

  I nodded my head.

  * * *

  “We just gon’ have to come back for your car tomorrow.” Deja was buckling me up on the passenger side of her car. My head hurt like hell. “What in the hell are you doing way over here on this hillbilly side of town, anyway?” I had no clue myself. My head was still pounding. “Sand, tell me what’s wrong with you.” She grabbed my chin and was staring into my eyes for an answer. “I’m here for you. If you would just talk to me.”

  I turned my head, and her hand fell into her lap.

  “What? It’s something you don’t wanna talk to me about? I understand. It’s your woman’s job to comfort you.”

  I looked back at her. There was so much I wanted to tell her. So much that I needed to get off my chest but couldn’t. Deja was stepping into my life at the wrong time. I couldn’t bring her into all this. She turned her head away and looked out the other window. Suddenly, the quietness stole the moment, and she didn’t have anything else to say. I sat there for the long drive, thankful she had come to my rescue once again. There was something different about Deja. She had a sensitive side that made me feel comfortable around her, even though I had known her only for a short time. The silence was broken when she asked if I had heard about what happened today.

  “You know, they found two guys dead in those Sunridge Apartments in South Dallas. They had broken into this woman’s house and raped her. One shot the other, and the other shot himself. That’s a damn shame. They wouldn’t show the girl’s face, but I hope it ain’t nobody I know.”

  At that moment it hit me. “That’s where I live,” I struggled to say. My mind raced back to Rene. “Deja, I need to get home.” Suddenly, I saw red and blue lights flashing in her eyes. She looked in the rearview mirror, and I turned around to look behind us.

  “Goddamn. What now?” she muttered. She rolled to a stop on the side of the road and rolled down her window.

  I sat up as straight as I could, and in my mouth I popped a green apple Jolly Rancher candy that she had lying in her cup holder. I tried to pat the wrinkles out of my pants, but it wasn’t working. I had sobered up a little, but not enough.

  “Driver, turn off the engine and slowly step out of the car.”

  “What? What the hell I do?” Deja screamed out the window. “I have my license and registration.”

  “Deja, just kill the engine,” I warned her.

  “But, Sand, why I gotta get out the car? We out here in the middle of nowhere, and they askin’ me to get out the car.”

  “I don’t know. Just be cool and do what they say. It’s cool.”

  She turned off the engine and slowly opened her car door. I looked back, and two black officers were standing near their patrol car, with guns pointed our way. This shit didn’t feel right. We hadn’t violated any traffic laws.


  “Now spread your legs and place your hands on the roof of the car.”

  I saw Deja doing as she was told. She was watching me through the glass with fear in her eyes. Her mascara ran down her cheeks.

  “Passenger, step out of the vehicle, spread your legs apart, and place both your hands on the roof of the car.”

  I slowly opened the door just enough to ease out. What the hell is going on? I knew this was no ordinary traffic stop, but I did as I was told. It was dark out, a Sunday night, and very few people passed us by. I was facing Deja. Her bottom lip was trembling.

  One of the cops made his way over to me, and the other stood back, waiting to take action. “Are you Cassandra Janene Ross?” he asked.

  “Yeah, that’s me.”

  “I’m placing you under arrest for the murder of Jasmine Keshawn Turner.” He forced my hands behind my back and snapped on some tight handcuffs. Deja just looked at me, trying to figure out what was going on.

  “Man, I ain’t killed nobody,” I said.

  He slammed my head on the car, proceeded to pat me down, and read me my rights.

  “You have the right to remain silent—”

  “Man, this is some bullshit!” I glanced at Deja, and tears were racing down her face. “Deja, I ain’t kill nobody,” I yelled out. I wanted her to believe me.

  The officer shoved me into the backseat of his Crown Victoria. Deja just shook her head.

  “Man, I said I ain’t kill nobody,” I yelled to the other officer, who was strapping up his seat belt in the driver’s seat. The officer who had manhandled me jumped in the backseat with me.

  The officer who was driving pulled up alongside Deja’s car. “You have a nice night, young lady, and drive safe,” he said before pulling away and back onto the road.

  I looked behind me, and Deja was still watching me, crying and not understanding the shit that had just happened. “I ain’t killed nobody,” I said over and over.

  “Here. Give her this.” The driver passed something back to the officer next to me.

  “Yeah, you gon’ like this.” He raised his hand and showed me a long-ass needle. I tried to back away, but it was useless, because I had nowhere to turn. “Go to sleep, little baby. Go to sleep,” he sang.

  And then I felt a flutter of coldness being injected into my arm. My eyes felt heavy. My high had returned. Seconds later I was fast asleep.

  * * *

  I felt a cold breeze tap me on my shoulders. I could barely turn my neck around because it hurt so bad. I had no idea where I was, but I knew for damn sure it wasn’t at home. I was trying to remember if I had once again drunk too many drinks and maybe followed some female home. The more I widened my eyes and sucked in dirty air, the more I regained consciousness. My eyes roamed around the room in every direction as I lay on my back, wondering how the hell I had got here. I tried to sit up, but both my arms were tied tight to a bedpost. I looked toward my feet. They were also tied down and spread far apart. I had no idea how I had gotten here. I tried pulling my arms out of the ropes, but it was no use. They weren’t budging, and pulling only made the red marks around my wrists darker.

  “Who the fuck is in here?” I hollered as loud as I could. I heard nothing. Then I saw the door slowly open and a female appear in the doorway. She was completely naked except for a pair of long, black, shiny boots. She eased her way in my direction. As she got closer, I knew exactly who I was dealing with—Chyna. She stepped onto the bed where I lay. Her long black boots were dangerously close to my face, daring me to move so that I could get stepped on. Once she was standing directly over me, she squatted down.

  “Have you thought about what we talked about?”

  I looked at her like she was crazy. If she was talking about that little proposal she had offered me, she could forget it. I wasn’t about to do a damn thing with keeping track of who was selling the most pussy or trickin’ no ho off. That wasn’t my style. I rolled my eyes.

  “So is that a no?”

  I turned my head. So is this what this is all about? I thought. All of this?

  She stood up again. “You know, Sand, I don’t like to be told no.” She made a smirking sound. “In fact, I have never been told no.” She grinned and then quickly erased the expression. “I’ve always gotten what I wanted when I wanted. So you know that you’re making this harder than what it should be? I make you a perfectly nice offer to become a part of a million-dollar network and you turn me down?” She looked me dead in the face, but Chyna didn’t scare me. She was just another bitch who wanted to be in control of something.

  “Chyna, we might as well get this over with, because I don’t have any good news for you. I ain’t gonna do it, and that’s that.”

  “Humph. Oh, really?” She rose up slowly, and I caught a glimpse of her trim midsection. “Well, let’s see if this changes your mind. Let her in!” She turned her head to face the door. Another naked body appeared before me. She was one of the strippers from the graduation party. I remembered her performance very well. She handed Chyna a long pair of orange scissors.

  What was she about to do to me?

  Chyna took the scissors in her hand and brought them down to my face, then lowered them toward my middle. She began cutting my jeans off, along with my boxers. “You like this, huh? You like this?” She ripped the clothing from underneath me and tossed it to the floor. She ran her hands over my split and then up again to my stomach. I cringed. The other girl pulled her hair up into a loose bun, and before I knew it, her warm lips and tongue had taken a dive between my legs. I yanked and turned, then squeezed my legs together as tight as I could to keep the girl from coming near my area. My yells and screams didn’t matter at all.

  Chyna cackled like an evil witch. She looked at me and said, “All the pussies in this house, I own, including yours. I got a video ready to roll. The cover’ll read Dyke Butch Gets Dicked.” I was still fighting with the ropes and yelling for them to rise up. Chyna started laughing and had a crooked smile of satisfaction on her face. “What? You ain’t never had the kitty played with before?” She motioned to the stripper. “Fantasy, do your thing, doll.” Chyna walked to the foot of the bed and took a front-row seat. Next thing I knew, Fantasy’s fingers were inching inside of me. “How you like it, Mama? Three fingers or four?”

  Rene

  “Shun, what the hell are you doing?” I pushed her off of me. She pulled away and turned her head in the opposite direction, as if she couldn’t stand to look me in the face.

  “I’m sorry,” she said quickly. “Forget that happened. I was just having a moment.”

  I was blown away. My best friend had just tried to swallow my ass down her long, deep throat, and now she was asking me to forget it had even happened. Oh, hell no. We had some talking to do. This was not the Shun whom I knew. Not the Shun who believed if you kissed someone from the same sex, other than your mama or a child, you would be condemned. This was not the Shun who lived by the “strictly dickly” saying and would add that she had four kids to prove that she loved dick too much ever to convert to some coochie. Evidently, Shun had some things she needed to get off her chest. What the hell’s going on?

  I grabbed her by the arm. “Shun, talk to me, damn it! It’s me, Rene,” I said, pointing to my chest. “Tell me what’s going on with you.”

  She looked over my shoulder at the car parked beside us, which seemed to be having some sort of car trouble. They had been in the same spot before we pulled in.

  “Rene, you are so lucky. You’re beautiful, smart, and you can have anything you want. I look at you, and I hate to admit it, but I wish my life could be like yours. I wish I had somebody to take care of me like Sand does you. I wish I had a man that wanted to marry me and be with me for the rest of his life. I wish I could walk down the street and turn heads the way you do.” Tears dropped from her eyes. “But I can’t. I can see why Sand loves you so much. I never really hated Sand. I just wanted what you had, and that was love.”

  I was surprised. I
looked Shun in the face and wondered if she was putting on one of her acts. I just couldn’t believe her confession. I didn’t know the appropriate response or reaction, so I let her continue to talk, and I sat there and listened while she opened up and poured out her heart.

  Shun and I talked all the way back to her house. She shared a lot, and in a way, I was glad that she did. I didn’t know why she felt like she couldn’t have come to me sooner. I would have listened. After all, that was what friends were for. I blamed myself for not figuring it out any sooner. The truth was, Shun hated her own life. Her unhappiness was what made her view of things seem so irrational. All she wanted and needed was someone to love her so that she could love them back.

  She admitted to me that she had told Sand all about me, Vincent, and the baby, out of anger. I was mad as hell after that. I knew that Sand would have nothing to do with me now. I tried calling her cell phone, and still it rang continuously, with no answer. I called our house, and there was still no answer or messages. I had no idea where she could be. For all I knew, she was laid up under that skeezer, trying to pay me back for fucking off on her. She would never forgive me. I had crossed the line, and there was no turning back.

  * * *

  Days later . . .

  “Detective Rockwall speaking.” His voice sounded much deeper over the phone.

  “Yes, hi, Detective. This is Rene Brown. I was calling to see if you had any new leads on the Turner case.”

  “Aww, yes, Miss Brown. I was hoping to hear from you. I have learned some very interesting information, and I would like to meet with you again to go over what I have. Is there a way we can meet somewhere in private?”

  I thought for a minute. I would have invited him to Shun’s, where I was, but with the kids hollering at each other all the time, I knew we wouldn’t be able to understand a word the other was saying. Instead, I asked if we could meet at the pizza parlor right around the corner. He agreed. I gave him directions, and we ended the call.