Out of respect for my relationship, I can’t tell him what’s wrong. I can’t break her trust like that and I won’t, ever. “Oh, I’m so sorry.” Just like that, he puts the pieces together. “Is she going to abort?”
I close my eyes and take in a deep breath, exhaling slowly. None of this shit is easy. I wish I could make it all disappear for her or go back in time and make her move in with me. That way, she wouldn’t have ever been in this damn situation in the first place. She would’ve been protected and no one would’ve gotten their hands on her.
Unable to muster up the courage to say a word, I nod my head.
“Fuck, I’m sorry, Kade. How did she handle the other news?”
I take a few steps over the old, wood floor and pull out a chair at the kitchen table, sitting a couple of feet away from my dad. “As best she could.”
He chuckles lightly, “You’re really enjoying using that phrase.”
“I’m not sure how else to put it. Within one night, her entire life went from hell to level ten of Tartarus. She thought she knew some things but then the gates of hell were opened and unleashed on her. I don’t know how she’s really doing. I can only see how she is on the surface, and I’m worried.”
“Yeah, she’s been through the wringer.” I thought my dad was going to continue speaking but he doesn’t, he stops and takes a good hard look at me.
“You’re freaking me out. What the fuck is going on? Be careful how you respond, I can’t take much more shit right now.”
He runs his hand through his white, silvery hair and sighs. “I feel like the world’s biggest asshole for not believing you. I should’ve trusted that you were a good judge of character and instead of doing that, I pushed you away even more. My actions and the way I was treating Ivy forced you to want to distance yourself from not only myself but the Montana charter of the club and that’s what I don’t ever want to happen.”
“I hope you know that my feelings weren’t anything personal. I was only worried because of what I’ve seen other MC princesses do before her. I had no idea of knowing if she had something up her sleeve or not, and since she did a damn good job at avoiding me, it rubbed me the wrong way. Now, I see the error in my ways and how everything you said was the truth. It took me too long to realize that. Fuck, it took me hearing it from her asshole of a brother’s mouth to even believe what was in front of me the entire time.”
“I’ve been waiting a long time to hear you apologize for this shit,” I reply. He doesn’t just have to apologize to me though. He needs to go to Ivy and speak his peace to her as well.
“Yeah, and you know how often I’m wrong, which is never.” He cackles, offering me a half smile before growing serious yet again. “I’ll speak to Ivy soon but I don’t want to do it too soon. She needs time to process all the shit that’s going through her head, and I doubt it’s easy for her right now. She doesn’t need me adding my bullshit to the whirlwind of emotions she’s experiencing. Did you tell her everything?”
“Yep, every single thing we found out she knows.”
“I’m glad I brought Machk out here. I had a gut feeling and you know what they say, gut feelings are never wrong.”
I stand up from my seat and walk a few feet into the kitchen, grab a glass from the cabinet, and get some water from the fridge. After I take a sip, I say, “I’m curious to know what your thought process is when it comes to Machk.”
He turns in his seat to face me. “Things never added up, not in my eyes at least. I remember Cora and Machk fuckin’ around when they were kids. Bet you never knew Ivy isn’t the first kid they had together.”
“Whoa, what?” I shout, lookin’ at my pops like he’s lost his damn mind.
“Machk got Cora pregnant when she was seventeen. She put the baby up for adoption, and then a few years later, fell into shit with Grizzly, fast forward a few more years and that must’ve been when Machk and Cora reconnected.”
“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me this shit before?”
“’ Cause I didn’t know he was actually her father. It was a theory.”
“Machk sure acted like he and Cora were never really that close. When I spoke to him, he confessed about something happenin’ twenty-somethin’ years ago, but never said a word about anything before then.”
“Probably because of his fuckin’ accident,” Dad laughs, cackling on for a couple of minutes. Machk’s accident has been the joke for years and my bet is it will continue to be for many more. “Cora should’ve taken that child to Machk after she was born. Her staying with Grizzly was the dumbest thing she could’ve ever done. Look at the misery they both endured. Fuckin’ dumb.”
“Yeah, you’re right about that.” I can’t help but agree with him. If Cora had left, their life would’ve probably been a hell of a lot different. “How’d you know they had a kid back then?”
“Shit, you think I wasn’t paying attention? Those two were the talk of the town, havin’ a kid before they were married. Back in the old ages, that was some pretty good gossip. Before you ask, yeah, I’ve kept my tabs on the kid. His name’s Austin and he grew up a few towns over and his parents do really well for themselves.”
“Fuck. Just seems like I have more shit to tell Ivy now.”
“No, don’t tell her until you two deal with the termination. The shit with Machk and Austin can wait. Shit, not just Austin. She’ll have adoptive-brothers and sisters too.”
“Jesus, I forgot Machk adopted kids. She could be part of an entirely different culture that she never knew about.”
“Could? Are you having doubts that he’s her father?”
Of course, I’m having doubts. It’s not like there’s been a DNA test. “Until they’re tested, none of us will know for sure.”
“You’re right. I’ll have a chat with Machk and see if he’s willing to do it. After what happened, I don’t think he’ll say no. Just get me a strand of hair from her brush and we’ll do it in private.”
Fuck, I don’t know if that’s a good idea to keep this from her. “Should I really be keeping shit from her right now?” I ask, knowing too well it’s going to get me in a load of shit when she finds out.
“You’re not lying to her. It’s not like you’re going to keep it from her. She’ll probably thank you after it’s all said and done.” Somehow, I highly doubt that.
“I gotta get going. Nice talk,” I say. Setting the glass of water in the sink, I head out the door and walk down to the clubhouse. It’s about time I checked in and see how my girl is doing.
Chapter Seventeen
Staying quiet doesn’t mean I have nothing to say. It means I don’t think you’re ready to hear my thoughts.
~ Quotes ‘nd Notes
Ivy
I didn’t get an ounce of sleep last night as I waited for this moment. I just had to make it until ten in the morning, until I was face to face with the OBGYN I’ve known most of my life. We never ventured into Billings, Montana for anything after the territory lines were drawn but my mother felt it was important for me to have the best doctor, and she was right. Dr. Winter is the best OBGYN around and if you ask anyone else, they’ll tell you the same thing.
Sitting on the padded chair, I stare at the light blue walls that have diagrams of babies inside uteruses, showing how the baby stays nestled along the cervix before it’s ready to make its grand debut. I didn’t tell Kade about my appointment this morning because this is something I feel that I have to do alone.
We were both faced with the dark reality of what happened to me. I feel dumb for being so naïve, thinking that something bad like this didn’t happen. But it did, and now I have to deal with the consequences.
If my mother were alive, I know what she’d say. She’d want me to keep this baby and love it because it’s a part of me, but I can’t do that. It might make me seem like an awful woman, but the thought of it makes me want to vomit. The idea of looking down at a child whose biological father raped me while unconscious . . . I can’t fathom tha
t. And, I know what I’d do. I’d resent the child for it, which isn’t fair.
The door to my exam room comes open and the happily smiling Dr. Winter comes walking over to me after she shuts the door. “I thought you’d have a smile on your face or be happy. You’re not a young child anymore, Ivy. You’re prepared for this.”
I take in a deep breath, balling my hands into a fist as I meet my eyes with her own. “If the circumstances were different I would be.”
She takes my hand, searching for answers. “You don’t have to tell me what happened, but know that you can.”
Dr. Winter has been in my life since I was thirteen years old, since the first time I got my period. She was here for me when my mom went missing and checked in on me from time to time. Honestly, she’s done more for me than any doctor should. She’s more of a friend than a physician.
“I found out so much of my life isn’t what I thought, and I don’t know where to start,” I admit, trying to think of the easiest way to say any of this.
She pulls the short, circular chair with wheels over to her and takes a seat. “You take your time and start where you think is best. I have an hour before my next appointment comes in.”
I take a couple of minutes and gather my thoughts, starting at the beginning, or what I believe is the beginning. “I’m going to make this incredibly long story short, so please bear with me. I met a man and his name is Kade. We met a while back after I had run off from Grizzly’s club. I never told you I was hiding in the Reapers territory to escape him, but I was.
“Kade is something that wasn’t planned, but we fell in love with each other and then figured out one another's identity. That’s when things got confusing, but neither of us wanted to end anything. Fast forward a little bit and Grizzly and my brother grab me, torture me at the club and leave me there bleeding. The Reapers saved me, cleaned me up, and took care of me while I healed. I’ve been living with them ever since, but over the last few days, my entire life has come crashing down. Everything I thought I knew was nothing but a fabricated lie.”
Dr. Winter looks at me with sadness in her eyes. “What do you mean, sweetheart?”
“God, this is all so hard to say. I found out yesterday that Grizzly isn’t my biological father, Connor killed our mother, and when I became unconscious while they were all torturing me, I was raped. The kicker is, I discovered I was pregnant a couple of days ago and thought it was Kade’s. When the reality is anything but that.”
“Well, we don’t know that for sure and there’s only one way we’re going to. I’m going to conduct a transvaginal ultrasound so we can measure the fetus and see how far along you actually are. At that point, we can narrow down a possible conception date and find out if it is Kade’s or if it’s the result of your rape.”
The next few minutes pass very quickly as she rolls some machine over to me, slides a plastic condom looking thing over the probe that must be going inside me in a moment. She turns on a machine and a black screen comes up. I watch her grab a tube and squirt some clear jelly on the probe. It’s the same shit she puts on the metal stuff they use to spread our insides apart during our annual appointment.
“This is going to be cold, so just be warned.”
When I first was taken back to the room, the nurse had me remove the clothes below my waist. I already knew this was going to happen after I had the conversation with her and at least this makes it a little bit easier. I scoot down and stick my feet in the stirrups that come from the chair. Dr. Winter inserts the probe inside me and turns the screen to her, “Ah, hmm.”
“What are you mumbling on about?” I ask, needing her to give me some peace of mind.
“When did the incident happen?
Thinking back, I try to narrow it down. “About six weeks ago,”
She turns the screen towards me and I grab it with my hand, pushing it back. There’s no way I can see this baby. No way. The second I see it, I’ll want to be that better person, but I know myself. I know I’ll choose to carry it to term and raise it, but my anger and hatred will come through. I’ll end up treating the child worse than Grizzly ever treated me. That is what I’m afraid of.
“No, Ivy. This fetus is over nine weeks. Look!” She turns the screen toward me and shows me an orb that contains a small baby. I can make out its head and see how it drifts into a body, even picking up on the small details of its legs.
“How certain are you?”
“Well, I’ve only been an OBGYN for fifteen years, so I’m pretty certain. Your baby is right on target as far as measurements go. Now, let’s turn on the sound and listen to this strong heartbeat of theirs.” Before I can get a word out, the room is filled with the strong “thump thump thump” of my baby’s heartbeat.
Tears well behind my eyes because I was so determined this was a baby conceived from rape after Kade told me what happened. Now, the joy I was first feeling can finally come back. I can get excited again, and more importantly, I can tell Kade. He’ll be overjoyed! “Holy shit. What do I do now?”
“You’ve been taking prenatals, right?”
I shake my head, “No, but I’ll pick some up right after I leave.”
“Good, and you can only have fish twice a week. You can’t eat anything raw like sushi, and you can only have pasteurized cheeses. No deli meats because there’s the possibility of contracting listeria. No undercooked beef, other than that, you’re fine. I expect to see you here a month from now, which will be right at the end of your first trimester.”
“I don’t have to do anything else?” I question, raising an eyebrow.
“No, you just have to make sure you’re eating and staying hydrated but I think you have that covered, hun.” Dr. Winter smiles brightly at me, clicks a few times on the machine until I hear a printing sound. While they’re printing, she takes the probe out of me, strips the plastic condom off, and throws it in the trash. She takes off her gloves and tosses those in the trash can next to the machine. “These are for you and Kade to look at.” She hands me photographs of my child.
“Feel free to get dressed and I’ll get your next appointment scheduled. Meet me out front.” Dr. Winter leaves the room and shuts the door behind her. I put on my panties and grab my jeans, then slide my shoes on, grab my jacket, and head out the door to the front of the office.
She’s standing behind the counter with her sweet receptionist, Olivia. “Here’s your appointment card and we’ll see you a month from now.”
I head out the door, taking Kade’s truck keys from my jacket pocket and start walking through the door. That’s when I spot him, leaning against it, looking more furious than I’ve ever seen him before. “Did you really come here to do this alone?” he seethes. “I wanted to be here for you. Jesus, Ivy. Why do you always insist on going about things the hard way?”
“Will you shut up and let me talk?” I hiss, feeling the sudden surge of pregnancy hormones I’ve learned to understand over the last few days.
Kade’s eyes go wide, but he doesn’t say a word. Honestly, he’s probably just getting aggravated at this point, not that I care.
I yank out the photos and hand them to him, “Our baby is nine weeks. This isn’t what we thought it was, and I’m going to keep it.”
He stares at the pictures in disbelief, skimming through photo after photo. Kade remains quiet, raising his brows while he puts a hand over his mouth. “Holy fuck. I can’t believe this.”
Chapter Eighteen
You don’t know me, you only know what I allow you to know
~ Quotes ‘Nd Notes
Ivy
Over the last two days, Kade and I have kept to ourselves, really focusing on taking all of this in. The child growing inside my womb is ours, and not something created from hate or spite. To say this has been overwhelming is a drastic understatement. Every day it gets a bit easier when it comes to acceptance but now, I’m really starting to feel my emotions flare up with the nausea. Morning sickness and I have become far too acquainted quite quic
kly. The only thing is, the whole ‘morning’ thing is the biggest joke I’ve ever heard of. It doesn’t just hit you in the morning, but at the most random parts of the day.
Today, Kade and I have gone into town. It’s the first day it hasn’t snowed and everyone is finally getting the roads cleaned up. Things in Billings are settling down a little bit after Marty’s untimely death and for the most part, we haven’t heard a peep when it comes to the Bears MC. I’ve asked Kade to keep me updated on anything he does hear, but he hasn’t said a word which makes me think that we just might be in the clear right now.
Fist wanted the three of us to go out to dinner and it made me feel a bit odd. He’s never wanted to be alone with me before, so why would he want to do this now? I mean, we’re not going to be alone since Kade is with us, but we won’t be surrounded by members of the club.
“I could eat an entire cow,” Fist mutters, overlooking the menu at the best steakhouse we have in town. They serve everything from beef, bison, chicken, to fresh lobster. “What’re you gonna have, Ivy?”
“I’m thinking about the barbeque bison burger, with swiss cheese and some caramelized onions. Sounds so good.” My mouth practically waters as I talk about it. I’m more focused on the food than Fist actually asking me a question. I feel like I’m in some sort of dream like I’ve obviously missed something.
Kade wraps his arm around me as his eyes scan over the menu, “I think this land and sea option looks good. It’ll let me pick a cut of beef and lobster, plus two sides, and a soup.” He looks right at me, knowing how I’ve been picking apart his food over the last couple days. My hunger strikes me at the oddest times and I’m figuring out that if I eat every couple of hours, it’s easier on my stomach and I can avoid getting overly nauseous.
Surveying the area, I take in the new renovations to the restaurant. It’s everything that embodies our great state of Montana. Iron beams go across the room, giving it an industrial feel while the honey-stained wood comes from the high parts of the vaulted ceiling. The booth we’re sitting in is a deep red colored padding, while the same honey-stain coats the table. All around the bar it continues this, showing the rustic and homey parts of Montana. My favorite part is how they managed to have Einstein type lightbulbs come down over the tables, making it feel a little modern and contemporary with this classic touch.
Chaos: A Reapers MC Boxset Page 11