The magazine was filled with pictures of Wild Boy holding up these GIANT trophies and doing crazy flying kicks. The kind of stuff you see in movies.
“So, you see, Jake, if Michael was truly a maniac, he could have done a lot more than put you in a garbage can. He was probably just kidding around,” said Mrs. T. with a smile. “You should try again to make friends. I know he’s ALSO having a hard time.”
Oh yeah . . . THAT’s what I’m going to do! It’s bad enough I live in pure terror of him, now I’m supposed to go and actively seek him out. NO THANK YOU!!!! My AWESOMENESS has its limitations.
“Wow . . . IMPRESSIVE. Okay, I understand. I’ll do that,” I said, lying through my teeth. And BTW, I love my teeth. I want to keep them.
“And, Jake, please don’t tell any of the other students about this stuff. Michael is a very private person. I just wanted you to know,” said Mrs. T.
“It’s in the VAULT!” I said, locking my mouth with a fake key and pretending to throw it away.
Along with my newly acquired local-sports knowledge and a whole bunch of hallway hellos and what’s ups, I slowly began to find my way at Kinney Elementary.
I was no longer being picked last for kickball, and I FINALLY had a regular lunch table. I called it the Table of Misfit Toys.
The great thing about my table was that it provided SO much inspiration for my new Kinney Kid Card Collection. Allow me to introduce the starting lineup . . .
Eleanor Ellis is one of a kind. It’s like being friends with your mom when she was a kid. Eleanor doesn’t have a cell phone. She has never used the Internet and isn’t allowed to watch the Disney Channel. Her favorite show is Lost in Space! I’d never heard of it. She lives in a time warp. Eleanor wears long, floral-printed dresses and gigantic bows in her hair. One day, she told us about a new TV show she’s watching called I Love Lucy. Supposedly, the show is in black-and-white. What does that even look like????
Needless to say, with my growing popularity and my small (but awkward) group of buds, I didn’t see the need to EVER say another word to Wild Boy. Too dangerous.
At lunch, Wild Boy always sat by himself eating his deer sandwiches in silence. I wasn’t sure if he was the ultimate cool guy or the creepiest kid EVER. But I knew to stay out of his way. And I wasn’t alone.
When Wild Boy walked down the hall, the kids parted like the Red Sea. And no one EVER made eye contact with him. You looked straight down at your shoes and walked away.
One day, as Wild Boy sat alone, munching on Bambi, I was enjoying some big-time nerd fun with the Misfits. Our latest obsession was paper airplanes. Every day, we’d design them, fly them, compete, trade, and argue about whose was the best. It was our little lunchtime thing: aerodynamic AWESOMENESS!
That day, it was my turn to go. Although I “found” my new design in a book supplied by Mrs. T., I failed to mention that to the others. Like my old lacrosse coach in Florida would say, “If you ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t tryin’!”
The goal of the competition was simple: make a paper airplane that could hit the far wall in one toss. Bonus points were given if the plane landed in the drinking fountain. Up until then, no one had come close. It was my day to make history.
My strategy was to throw the plane high from a seated position and get lots of loft. If I could get it up near the ceiling, I thought my paper masterpiece would safely glide across the room and onto the germ-infested landing strip. After wetting my finger and checking for crosswinds—probably should’ve used some hand sanitizer—I was all set to launch.
Just like Joe Flacco, I let loose a mighty toss. My paper missile soared high into the air. But from the second it left my hand, I knew something was wrong.
Spinning uncontrollably, my plane began losing altitude immediately. I don’t think the death spiral was what the designer had in mind.
Even as the plane came crashing back to earth, the thought of it hitting someone never crossed my mind. That is, until my paper missile landed in the middle of Wild Boy’s open-faced deer sandwich.
In shock, I looked at my friends, not knowing what to do. White with fear, my posse of future engineers and software designers slowly got up and then bolted for the exit.
Like most animals after a successful hunt, Wild Boy did not appreciate his prey being disturbed. He grabbed my plane and scanned the lunchroom for the offending party.
Locking eyes with me, Wild Boy slowly got to his feet. Frozen with terror, I was praying for a simple return to the garbage can as the baddest sixth grader on the planet approached my now-empty table. Come on, GUYS!!! A little backup?
“Hi, there! Is this YOUR plane?” Wild Boy asked. “You know, it’s rude to throw planes into other people’s food. Cool design, though.”
Still paralyzed by the thought of being scissor-kicked in the head, I couldn’t say or do anything. However, he didn’t appear to be angry with me.
“Mrs. T. says you’re okay. So I guess I’m sorry for putting you in the trash can before. That was stupid,” said an APOLOGETIC Wild Boy.
Ha! My AWESOMENESS was FINALLY kicking in!
And maybe, due to our brief encounter, some of my AWESOMENESS had rubbed off on Wild Boy. Considering my proximity to an extremely large lunchroom dumpster, you could not appreciate my relief at his coolness.
Before I said a word, Jason Jackson appeared out of nowhere. Shoving Wild Boy from behind, the much-bigger Jason snickered and pointed as Wild Boy slid across the floor.
“Hey, Wild Flower, you think you can pick on my BEST BRO, Jake?” Jason yelled as he looked at me, smiling, winking, and acting like a complete idiot.
Unfortunately for Jason, I had kept my promise to Mrs. T. Nobody knew about Wild Boy’s secret pastime.
“Whoa, whoa . . . WHOA THERE, JASON!! Everything is fine. Michael and I were just talking . . . ,” I said as I tried to diffuse the situation.
“Jake, I understand. DON’T WORRY! This kid isn’t going to bully you anymore. Or anyone else at this school. Isn’t that right, ‘Michael’?” Jason said as he turned back to face Wild Boy.
“You want a piece of me, jerk?” Wild Boy asked in a very calm and deliberate tone.
“I don’t want a piece of you, Wild Flower. I want the WHOLE THING!” Jason said as he inched closer to Wild Boy, poking him in the chest.
OHHH NOOOO!!!!!! Cell-phone cameras were at the READY! This was going to be YouTube worthy.
At no point did Wild Boy lose his cool. He remained calm; he even smiled slightly. I expected a sudden explosion of fists, chops, and a few hi-yaahs! That didn’t happen.
On his toes and looking very agile, Wild Boy resembled a mongoose circling a snake.
“I don’t want to fight you, Jason. It wouldn’t be fair. I’m afraid I will hurt you,” said Wild Boy.
“HURT me? You don’t have to worry about that, you camo-loving freakazoid. I’m going to crush you like a bug!” Jason laughed.
“Are you sure? You really want to fight ME? I DON’T want to fight you. Are we clear? YOU are the aggressor? YOU, Jason, have assumed all responsibilities for your actions and are fully aware of the consequences associated with combat?” Wild Boy asked. He sounded like one of the waivers you sign every time you visit an ultradangerous water park. Jason looked SO confused.
I didn’t understand why Wild Boy just didn’t start pounding on Jason. It was either a Jedi mind trick, or Wild Boy’s training included a course in lawsuit prevention.
“Are you nuts?! I’m going to freakin’ shred you. Let’s GO!!!!” Jason yelled as he put up his fists and started to move forward.
“Okay. I accept your challenge,” Wild Boy said as he punched one of his fists firmly into the palm of his other hand, bowing quickly toward Jason. “But not in school. I know where you live. How about this Saturday, 5:00 p.m., your house?”
“Sure . . . you’ll come to my house for a WHO
OPIN’! Okay! Makes it easy for me,” said Jason. “It’s time I teach you the real law of the jungle, WILD CHILD!”
By this time, every kid at lunch was watching, and a giant “fight circle” had formed. Seeing the commotion, the teachers finally came running to investigate. Not wanting any trouble, the two gladiators quickly slipped back to their lunch tables.
After lunch I had to hit my locker to pick up books for English and history. Spinning the combination lock, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Jason, proudly nodding his head, smirking and offering up a congratulatory high five. UCK! I left him hanging.
“Hey, man, make sure you tell Alexis I had your back. I’m sure she’ll love me for looking after her LITTLE BRO,” said Jason.
“What was that all about?” I demanded. “TOTALLY unnecessary. I had it handled. There was no need for you to get involved.”
“Dude!! Come on. You had nothing handled. Unless, of course, you were looking for Wild Boy to upgrade you into the lunchroom dumpster,” Jason said with a laugh.
“Yeah right! That wasn’t going to happen,” I said. “Besides, Wild Boy wasn’t mad at all, before you came over and stuck your nose . . .”
“MY MAN!” interrupted Jason. “You don’t know this kid. HE’S CRAZY! I heard he got kicked out of his last school for bringing his pet rattlesnake in for show-and-tell.”
“I’m pretty sure that didn’t happen,” I said.
“No, no, it did. You have no idea. He eats insects and even shaved a kid’s head once. I’m telling you, he’s no good,” implored Jason.
RULES OF AWESOMENESS #11
NEVER, EVER ARGUE WITH A COMPLETE IDIOT. THEY HAVE EXPERIENCE ON THEIR SIDE AND WILL BEAT YOU EVERY TIME.
THERE ARE PLENTY OF IDIOTS OUT THERE. YOUR JOB IS TO IDENTIFY THEM AND STAY AWAY. ENGAGING THEM ONLY WASTES YOUR TIME AND MAKES YOU STUPIDER. I’VE FOUND THAT A DEEPLY THOUGHTFUL LOOK WITH CONSTANT NODDING (IN FAKE UNDERSTANDING) FOLLOWED BY AN ABRUPT “HOLD ON A SECOND, I’LL BE RIGHT BACK” IS THE ONLY WAY TO QUICKLY ESCAPE THE MENTAL CLUTCHES OF AN IDIOT.
Realizing I had very little time to get to my next class, I turned and ignored Jason’s rambling and quickly finished my combination. Grabbing my backpack, I accidentally pulled the Kinney Collection out of my locker, spilling the crisply laminated cards all over the hallway.
OH NO!
Bending down to help, Jason picked up his buddy Garrett’s card.
“What the heck is this?” Jason asked.
“Nothing. Just an art project I’m working on,” I said, trying to find a reasonable excuse.
“Is that supposed to be Daniel?” asked Jason. “It looks NOTHING like him. ‘Downtown’? That’s not his nickname. We call him Swish!
“Is THAT Paige? Oh my GOD! She’s going to love her nonexistent nose! How many of these things do you have?” asked Jason.
“Ah . . . not many, a few. It’s kind of a hobby,” I said.
“Man, you’re kind of a weirdo,” said Jason. “But I LIKE you. And your sister!”
Just then, the bell rang, and Jason dropped the cards and sprinted to his next class. I quickly collected the rest of the Kinney Collection and prayed Jason didn’t fully understand what they were.
LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!!!!!
The BIG FIGHT was all anyone talked about. Signs started appearing around school. Kids made strategic sleepover plans with friends who had COOL parents. You know the type: parents who really don’t care what you do.
“Hey, Mom, me and Bobby are going outside to blow up my toy cars with all those firecrackers we bought in South Carolina,” says Lucky Kid.
“Have fun, dear. Come home later for dinner if you want,” says Coolest Mom on Earth.
“I don’t think so. We’re going over to watch the big fight between Wild Boy and Jason. Won’t be home until late,” says Lucky Kid.
“Oh, great! I hope Jason wins,” says Cool Mom.
In this case, I was kind of “lucky,” because fight central was directly across the street from my house. Unlucky for me was the fact I had to see Jason every day that week.
Walking to the bus, walking from the bus, getting the mail, taking out the trash, riding my bike . . . the kid was everywhere! ALL he wanted to do was talk about Alexis! The only good thing was that he didn’t have anything to say about the Kid Cards, which was great. Big, goofy Jason was obsessed with my sister. Finally!! Alexis was good for something!
His obsession became a constant annoyance. A day didn’t go by without me hearing one of the following from Jason:
“Does she know about the big fight?”
“Did you tell her I protected you?”
“Can I get her number?”
“Does she want my number?”
“Did you remind her I should really be in eighth grade?”
I assured him Alexis was well-informed. Actually, the ONLY thing I told her was that Jason failed a bunch of grades. The other stuff . . . not so much. Why would I? If I told her anything that angered her, she might decide to kill the messenger.
All I wanted to do was get Jason to stop talking to me. The kid was superconceited. He only cared about his hair and trying to impress my sister. He had NO idea what was about to happen.
And, of course, being a man of my word, I couldn’t tell him about Wild Boy’s martial-arts mastery. Breaking a promise to Mrs. T. would show a lack of AWESOMENESS.
Yet, trying to keep a secret like that was tough. I felt like I was going to BURST. I had to tell someone! And Mom and Dad weren’t “students.”
Strolling into the kitchen that weekend, I saw my opportunity. Mom was reading the paper, and I knew I’d have her undivided attention.
“Hey, Mom, I want to show you this video on YouTube,” I said. “This kid at my school is some kind of sick martial-arts expert. Check it out.”
As I propped up the iPad, Dad came in for his twentieth cup of coffee.
“What’s going on here? Jake, don’t you have homework?” asked Dad.
“Chillax, my man! It’s Saturday. I have lacrosse practice this morning, and later today the Misfit Toys are all coming over. Sunday is for homework,” I said. “Hey, don’t go anywhere. You’ve got to see this.”
I showed my parents a quick vid of Wild Boy smashing fools and hoisting championship trophies. They were both impressed.
“This ‘Wild’ kid goes to your school?” asked Dad, pointing in bewilderment at the screen. “Stay AWAY from him. He looks like trouble.”
Just then, my sister made her presence known.
“Mmmmmuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrggggghhhhh!!!!!!!!” groaned Alexis as she shuffled into the kitchen. Never a morning person, that was her standard, cranky greeting. WOW . . . only 10:00 a.m., still WAY too early for Sleeping Beauty!
Walking like a zombie, and of course, clutching Mr. Chuckles, Alexis cleared the sleep from her eyes. You’ve got to love an eighth grader still snuggling up with her WITTLE TEDDY BEAR!!
Noticing my parents watching something intently on my iPad, Alexis very quickly snapped out of her sleepy stupor.
“What’s going on? What did I miss? Who’s THAT? Jake, you know this kid? Excellent form! Do you see how level his head is on that spinning back-fist? Bad a**!” said Alexis, nodding her head in approval.
“ALEXIS! Watch your mouth. That language is not ladylike,” shrieked Mom.
Oh, Mom! It’s WAY too late to worry about ladylike behavior. That train left the station. It’s rumbling down the tracks headed straight for “Bad-Girl-Ville.” All aboard!
“Who’s that kid, Jake?” Alexis demanded, now extremely interested.
“It’s Wild Man!” shouted Dad, heading back to his office.
“WILD BOY! Get it right. And, yes, he goes to my school,” I yelled.
“His parents must be very proud. He’s such a little cutie!” said Mom.
“WAIT a minute! That’s the kid fighting Jason the Genius.” Alexis started to figure it out before I cut her off. Standing behind my mom, frantically jumping up and down, and making a pretend slash across my throat—even Alexis understood the international DO NOT TELL MOM AND DAD sign!
“What, dear? He’s fighting OUR Jason? Across-the-street Jason?” asked Mom.
“NO!!!! They’re buddies. They just like to spar with each other. It keeps Jason in shape for football,” I said, knowing full well MOM was the last person who needed any details about that evening’s main event.
“Sparring, huh? I heard they’re supposed to ‘SPAR’ tonight,” Alexis said with a laugh.
“Wonderful. That Jason is a nice boy,” Mom said. “Well, see you guys later. I’m off to the mall. Enjoy the sparring!”
I poured myself some cereal. It was time for a TV break. Unfortunately, Alexis had beaten me to the couch and was already stretched out end-to-end enjoying her favorite show, Gossiping Liars.
Quickly referencing Rules of AWESOMENESS #10, I decided to head to the basement for some peace and quiet.
DING-DONG!!!!!! WOW . . . kind of early for visitors. Girl Scouts? Oh yeah! Thin Mints rule!
I bounded up the stairs and into the hallway hoping to buy a few boxes of deliciousness.
But instead of cute little kids trying to sell me fifty boxes of cookies, I saw Jason standing outside on our porch. I just couldn’t stomach another second of this guy. But I knew someone who could!
“Alexis? Can you do me a HUGE favor?” I asked nicely.
“If you think I’m turning off Gossiping Liars, you’re NUTS! Lizzy is about to tell Natasha that she is in love with Brogan!” screamed Alexis.
“Come on, just pause it for a minute. Jason from across the street is at the door, and I REALLY don’t want to deal with him,” I pleaded.
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