To my surprise, Alexis slowly picked up the DVR remote and hit Pause.
“Okay. THAT I can do,” said Alexis. With a heavy sigh and a roll of her eyes, she got up off the couch.
“Whatever you do, don’t tell him I’m here!” I whispered loudly.
“Yeah, yeah . . . I GOT THIS!” snapped Alexis.
With her hair up in a bun and still dragging Mr. Chuckles by his long, stretched-out arms, Alexis moved slowly toward the front door. ANNOYED!
Flinging open the door, Alexis was greeted by Jason slumped against the porch railing in his best “cool guy” lean.
“What the HECK do you want, dragon breath!?!” yelled Alexis.
“HEY, girl . . . what’s up?! Is Jake home?” Jason asked innocently.
Watching the interaction from under the dining-room table, I could see Alexis’s arm still wrapped around the inside of our front door. She started to give me the thumbs-up sign.
“LACROSSE!!!!” was Alexis’s answer as she quickly slammed the door in Jason’s face.
Pleased with herself, Alexis started the long shuffle back to the couch. But she didn’t get five feet until the unthinkable happened . . . DING-DONG!
Highly agitated, Alexis remembered her unfinished business with Jason. Maybe now was the time to finally introduce him to the cobra strike.
With her blood boiling and a slight twitch in her face, Alexis slowly opened the front door once again.
“Hey, babe, sorry, but do you know when he’ll get back?” asked Jason. “I want to make sure he comes over early, around four, to help me prepare for the big fight.”
“Right! The fight. You’ve accepted the role of Wild Boy’s punching bag. What on earth would possess you to want to fight THAT kid? I know you’re stupid and everything, but you must be a LOT dumber than you look,” Alexis sneered as she gave Jason her best UNIMPRESSED face.
“Didn’t Jake tell you?!” Jason asked.
“Tell me what, Einstein?” said Alexis. “That you failed about five grades? I know that.”
“No!! Well, yeah, I wanted you to know that . . . It’s ONLY two grades, NOT five!” corrected Jason. “The reason I’m fighting Wild Boy?? Don’t you know??”
Alexis just stood there, staring at Jason.
“To protect Jake! Didn’t Jake tell you?” demanded Jason. Again, nothing from Alexis. She continued to stare at Jason like he was an alien.
“Wild Boy was bullying him, so I stepped in. I got your little bro’s back. Don’t worry, I’m going to pound Wild Flower. Pretty cool, right!? And after, you know, maybe we can hang out?”
Alexis recoiled in horror. This was not the reaction Jason anticipated.
Stunned that he wasn’t being smothered with kisses and oh, my heros, Jason started to feel betrayed. This feeling grew more intense as Alexis began belly laughing uncontrollably.
Wiping the tears of laughter from her eyes, Alexis gained her composure.
“Hang out with YOU!! Are you joking?! First, I don’t ‘hang out’ with boys in grade school,” Alexis said with a laugh. “Second, even if I made an exception, I don’t think you’ll be much fun to ‘HANG OUT’ with after tonight. It’s REAL hard to dance in a full body cast.”
“What does that mean?” Jason demanded.
“How do you NOT KNOW?” Alexis continued. “Jake didn’t tell you about Wild Boy?”
Jason’s look of utter confusion answered that question. I didn’t see this coming! Please don’t!
“OH NO? Well, THAT’S not very nice. It appears my little bro neglected to inform you about Wild Boy being a nationally ranked martial-arts master,” said Alexis. “That IS unfortunate. Do yourself a favor and Google ‘Michael Boyd’ and ‘Tang Soo Do.’”
“Tang Soo what??” said Jason. “What are you talking about? I’m going to destroy that little freak.”
“EARTH TO IDIOT! Wild Boy is an EXPERT in beating people up. He’s ranked number one in the country in his age group. Look at the videos. He crushes guys twice your size. You CAN’T win,” Alexis explained. “But . . . I wish you the best of luck. NOW, get off my porch before I beat Wild Boy to the PUNCH. Get it? ‘PUNCH’! Of course you don’t . . . TOO FUNNY!”
SLAM went the door once again.
As Jason ran home to his computer, he probably thought about when he first challenged Wild Boy in the lunchroom. The weirdness, the bowing, the “Are you sure YOU want to fight ME?” stuff. It all probably started to make sense.
Shuffling back to the couch, Alexis saw me still hiding under the table. All I could do was hold up my hands and ask, “WHY?”
“WHAT!” Alexis snarled. “I did you a favor. Jason now thinks you’re a backstabbing worm. He won’t want to be your friend. You’re WELCOME!”
“Yeah, no kidding. He won’t want to be a friend, but he WILL want to kill me!” I yelled.
“Jake. You are MY little brother. If he even looks at you funny, I’ll destroy him. I saw the fear in his eyes. He won’t be bothering you,” Alexis said calmly.
That made me feel a little better. But she didn’t have to ride the bus with him every morning.
As soon as I got home from lacrosse practice, text messages from the Misfit Toys blew up my phone. The plan was on! Everyone was meeting at my house and then straight up to my bedroom to watch the fight.
Living across the street from Jason provided me with an unobstructed view of the field of battle. It was like having my own VIP skybox. AWESOME!
Donald was bringing his dad’s new HD video camera, and Tommy and I were going to be the announcers. I told my mom we were working on a science project. And hinted that some of her famous popcorn would be MOST appreciated. Score! Livin’ the DREAM . . .
Before I knew it, my street was a sea of kids. They came on bikes, Razor scooters, and RipStiks. Some even had their parents drop them off. They looked like a crowd of rowdy soccer hooligans.
As we munched on popcorn and drank very cold soda, I started to feel bad for Jason. Did he deserve what was about to happen to him? Not really. But then again, he brought it upon himself. All in the name of love! At 5:00 p.m. on the dot, Wild Boy appeared outside Jason’s house. Just like in the hallways at school, the masses of kids stepped WAY back and created a clear path to Jason’s front door.
Wild Boy showed no emotion. Very businesslike. This was not his first time at the butt-kicking rodeo. And, of course, he wore his favorite black sleeveless shirt, showing off his ridiculously intimidating tattoo. Indeed, he was “born to raise hell.”
After a few minutes and no Jason, the crowd started to get restless. Wild Boy even went to the front door and knocked! That took guts! Was he going to ask if Jason could come out and play?
To everyone’s surprise, Jason suddenly appeared in a second-floor window. With tears in his eyes, he leaned out and yelled at the crowd.
“I’m NOT coming out! Get outta here. Wild Boy wins!!” Jason wailed as he slammed the window shut.
The stunned crowd of kids stood in silence. This was quickly followed by a chorus of laughter and everyone taking turns mocking Jason’s dramatic announcement.
Billy Regan did the best Jason impression. “I’m NOT COMING OUT!!!! Get outta here . . . YOU MEANIES,” Billy repeated, stomping his feet and holding his breath until his face turned beet red.
Up in the skybox, my guests were at a loss for words. I breathed a sigh of relief. It was probably the smartest thing Jason ever did, even though his all-American cool-guy reputation died that day.
On Monday, his popularity ranking would fall to a never-before-seen low. If he was lucky, Knitting Boy might make some room for Jason at his table.
Pleased with my small role in the downfall of Jason, I enjoyed the rest of the night playing flashlight tag with the Misfits. Monday was going to be fun!
Fresh off the bus on Monday, I ran into school. And no,
Jason didn’t even look at me. Finally, I was sitting solo!
So many kids who couldn’t make it on Saturday wanted to hear the story. It was the biggest news of the year. Eventually I would get sick of retelling it. But, realizing I still needed maximum time in homeroom to talk about the NONFIGHT, I sprinted to drop off my backpack.
As I rounded the corner to the sixth-grade hall, I saw Jason standing next to my locker. A lightning bolt of fear shot through my body. Oh no! What does he want?
Quickly regaining my composure, I remembered a lesson I learned from the Discovery Channel. When you come face-to-face with a wounded lion, never turn and run. However, in this case, running made perfect sense. If I ran fast enough, I could probably find Wild Boy. But hang on!!! I saw what happened on Saturday. There was nothing to fear. Sure, I’m no martial-arts expert, but then again, what’s Jason going to do? Yell at me?!
With newfound bravery, I walked straight up to my locker, which was OPEN, and slammed it shut.
“What the heck do you want, Jason!?” I asked. “And stay out of my locker!”
“No problem, JAKE. But you’re probably going to want these back,” Jason said as he walked backward down the hall, holding up my box of Kid Cards.
YIKES!!!! Not the KINNEY COLLECTION!!!!!!!
My life flashed before my eyes. Calming down, I tried to reason with Mr. Jason.
“Hey, dude, you know that’s my art project. Can I have it back?” I asked meekly.
“Nope! These are too perfect. By the end of today, everyone will be talking about YOU . . . and NOT me!” he shouted, as he turned and raced to homeroom.
I was in SERIOUS TROUBLE! What to do? What to do? . . . I kept THINKING!!!! But I was getting no answers.
As the first bell rang, I followed Jason to homeroom. I needed to be smart. Who knows? Maybe he’s just going to hold them for ransom? I thought maybe five dollars could get them back. Was I thinking irrationally? OF COURSE he wasn’t looking for money. I knew exactly what he was going to do.
As I sat down, Jason was already sorting through the cards. He had an evil look in his eye. A look of revenge.
I made a quick move to grab the cards, but the kid was a giant. He just laughed and held the collection high above his head. The cards were out of reach, and I was out of luck.
Sitting back down, I tried once again to have a rational conversation.
“What’s your problem, Jason?” I asked. “What did I do to you?”
“REALLY! What did YOU do? It’s what you didn’t do! You KNEW all about Wild Boy’s crazy karate stuff!” shouted Jason. “That kid would have KILLED me! Thanks for the heads-up . . . NEIGHBOR!”
“Karate stuff??? What are you talking—?” I started to reply but was quickly cut off by an increasingly hostile Jason.
“DUDE!!!! Don’t even try to lie about it!” Jason bellowed, shaking his head in disgust. “Your sister told me everything. Oh yeah, and thanks for NEVER telling her about me, either.”
I certainly hadn’t anticipated that reaction from Jason. It appeared that I had violated Rules of AWESOMENESS #7; I had drastically underestimated him and was about to pay the ultimate price.
It had taken me months of suffering through pride and swallowing self-doubt to finally make it back to the summit of Mount Popularity. With one spiteful act, Jason was about to send me on a nonstop sleigh ride back to Trash Bin Valley.
When the end-of-homeroom bell rang, Jason took off like a rocket. And it didn’t take long to see his plan in action.
Walking to first period, I saw Jason way down the hall, darting from side to side. At every group of kids, he’d stop briefly, distribute some cards, and then be off. Man, he’s pretty quick for a big guy.
There was absolutely nothing I could do. After math class, I bolted to science knowing PLENTY of kids had already seen my handiwork. The Kinney Collection DID include some slightly unflattering and borderline mean stuff. Remember, I was in a very dark place when I made most of those cards. THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE GOOD!
In a complete and utter panic, I ran into the principal’s office. I kept trying to remember all the stuff I had written. Was there ANYTHING nice?
Principal McCracken was sitting in her chair, looking all frazzled and confused . . . as usual! The last thing this lady wanted was ANOTHER kid problem. Funny, she looked even more nervous to be in the principal’s office than me.
“JAKE . . . why are you here? Pleeeassssseee GO!” shouted Principal McCracken.
“Sorry! Can’t do that. Life-or-death situation here. Jason stole my Kid Cards and is giving them out to the whole school,” I blurted. “Now I face annihilation at the hands of my fellow classmates, so I’m here to—”
“NOT TODAY, JAKE!” interrupted the principal. “Don’t you know it’s MONDAY? I don’t have any announcements written. I have Billy Benson’s parents coming in about the ‘accident’ last week, and of course no one has the keys to the gym.”
As she pushed me out the door, I felt like I was being fed to the wolves. Would the Misfit Toys abandon me? I wondered if Knitting Boy still had room at his table.
All eyes were on me. Which kid was going to punch me first?
“Jake! I LOVE my card,” said Julie Jones. “Can you make my hair a TINY bit blonder?”
“Broseph . . . my picture is rockin’! But you need to AMP up my bio with some righteous factoids!” exclaimed Bobby Tomkins.
“Yeah, me too, Jake. You forgot to say I’m the president of the debate team,” chimed in Lucy Smith.
OMG! Everyone knew my name. They LOVED the cards!? It took me a second to soak it all in. Jason’s plan had worked, but not like he intended. Everyone certainly forgot about his screaming and crying fit. But revenge was NOT his. He was defeated by AWESOMENESS! The entire school was consumed with my Kinney Collection. In a good way! I was BACK ON TOP!!
All day, kids asked me about the cards. Some even wanted to know how to make their own cards. Before I knew it, I had a line of kids at my lunch table requesting their own cards or changes to the original.
“Make one of me, Jake. PLEASE!!! I need a card!” Susie Shoemaker pleaded.
Everyone got in on the act. Kid Cards were hot. Silly Bandz kind of hot! I was going to be a MILLIONAIRE!
Soon, kids were trading the cards. I couldn’t make them fast enough. But there was one card every collector wanted. The ORIGINAL Wild Boy card. I was sure to take that one out of circulation.
Turns out, Wild Boy finally decided he really didn’t like eating alone. He dropped the whole “I’m about to kill you” look by trashing all his camo gear and cutting his hair. And his BIG BAD tattoo? A fake! Can you say Sharpie fine point?
Mrs. T. was right. He was a great kid. Wild Boy is now known as “Michael,” and he’s pretty smart! He’s currently being tested for the gifted program—go figure!
Check out his new look. But don’t let the clean-cut, innocent little kid fool you . . . He’s still a one-man wrecking machine. Hi-yaah!!
Thanks for reading about my life. In the end, all is STILL GOOD in the Kinney Elementary HOOD! And you know what? IT IS darkest before the dawn. Now I get it! Positive Boy was right!
Just in case some of you were concerned, I want to give you an update on my progress. Much like I predicted, after a few more months at Kinney Elementary, I was once again at Florida levels of AWESOMENESS. It felt so good to have my mojo back.
School’s now a breeze! The weather warmed up, and the spring flowers are everywhere. Life is GREAT!
Michael, who is no longer “WILD” at all, is my best bud. Last weekend, he slept over and we planned on watching hours of college basketball. I finally showed Michael my Kid Card of him; we both laughed at how much he’s changed.
Dad finally finished his “man cave,” and we are about to test-drive his new high-definition projector.
Unfortunately, Alexis h
ad also done well socially. Her new gang of overly huggy, drama-loving dorks invaded our house that night, and I knew she was going to try to evict me and Michael from the cave of giant-screen luxury.
“Hi, little bro!!! Why don’t you and Wild Whatever run along upstairs? Mommy and Daddy want to watch Sesame Street with you two BIG BOYS,” Alexis said with a laugh while her posse of brace-faced geeks giggled in the background.
“I don’t THINK so. I’m waaayyyy too comfortable to go anywhere,” I said, reclining even further in my dad’s new chair.
“You won’t be too comfy after I jump on your chicken chest and dance all over your spleen,” said Alexis, who was still trying to maintain her smile.
Weighing my options, I didn’t have a choice. Alexis knew Michael wouldn’t do anything. Since his public humiliation of Jason, Michael had sworn to only use his super BUTT-KICKING powers to fight evil.
UNFORTUNATELY, being booted from the basement didn’t qualify. Michael’s inner Wild Boy remained dormant.
By myself, I didn’t stand a chance. Alexis had been hitting the P90X really hard lately and was in full-blown beast mode. Better to run away and live to fight another day.
Furious, I motioned to Michael and we headed for the exit.
“That’s right! Thanks for coming! See ya next time,” crowed Alexis as we picked up our pillows, blankets, and snacks.
The laughter from her group of goofy hags grew louder as we climbed the stairs. Michael said nothing. What good is being a 2nd dan black belt in Tang Soo Do if you can’t put it into action? Since his transformation into a gifted-and-talented nerd, he’s turned into quite the wimp.
Alexis laughed the loudest. There was no doubt her special gift of MEANNESS had also followed her to Maryland. But meanness is no match against extreme AWESOMENESS. Don’t forget, Michael wasn’t the only one with superpowers.
Just Jake #1 Page 6