by Jill Prand
“Maybe next year,” I joke. My laugh can’t be held back when Bobby wraps both his arms around me. Leaning up I kiss his jaw. “I’m just kidding around.”
“Not funny.” He lowers his mouth to mine and kisses me. Like always my body reacts. My panties are getting damp as a tingle runs through my whole body. My hands act on their own accord, one pressing against his back, the other feeling up his chest and neck into his hair. What this man does to me. Breaking the kiss he looks at the guys to say, “I think this party is over. I’ll see you both on Monday.”
Turning my head, I say goodbye to them. I know better than to try to pull away from Bobby. His grip is secure and he has no intention of letting me go. Chris and Tom start walking out and Bobby captures my mouth again. His hands move to my ass and he grinds himself against me. “I think it’s time for bed,” he says into my mouth.
Remembering Brad is still here I pull away. “Wait. I have to say goodnight to Brad.” Bobby moans. I push against his chest to make him let me go and step around him.
Brad has his back to us looking through the cd’s stacked by the stereo. His shoulders are down and I can tell he would rather be anywhere but here right now. I hate the fact that yet again he’s had to watch us together. If I didn’t need him so much I would make a clean break and let him go. Instead, I’m selfish; he’s the one who knows me best and I can’t give him up.
I put my hand on his back and he lifts his arm for me to duck underneath and then rest it on my shoulder. It’s a move we’ve perfected through the years. “Hey you, are you planning on staying here tonight?” I ask.
“No just waiting my turn to say goodnight,” he admits as he kisses my hair. “Happy birthday, Lisa.” “It was a much better birthday since you were here.” I squeeze him. We turn together and approach Bobby. Brad holds out his hand. “Night, Bobby.”
Bobby takes his hand, but his eyes are on me. “Night, Brad.”
I walk him to the door and he kisses my cheek. “Let me know when you want to go down river.” “I’ll call you tomorrow and we can decide.” I hug him to me. His arms come around me and I snuggle into his neck. Damn, the man smells nice! Wait, where the hell did that come from? I’ve never noticed how he’s smelled before. We hug for a minute before he turns and walks out the door. I lock up behind him and turn, only to find Bobby is right behind me. I walk into his arms, but feel like something is missing. Why do I feel this way?
Brad
Last night was hard, but I also realized that while Lisa’s with Bobby I still hold a big place with her. I may never get her the way I want her, but I’m not willing to be apart from her either. I’m going to be her rock as always.
My phone ringing brings me back from my thoughts. “Hello,” I say not even looking at the id. “Hey, Brad,” John surprises me. “You want to come over for the game? We have left over food and alcohol.” Hesitating, I give him a noncommittal sound. “Bobby went back to the city for work, but Lisa’s still here.”
That was all I needed to hear. “I’ll be over in twenty minutes,” I tell him. I get to spend time with her without Bobby. I know I’m setting myself up for more heartbreak, but I can’t help it.
I jump in the shower and while I’m soaping up, I think about that one night long ago...about holding her in my arms and breathing in her scent. I hate that sex with anyone since her is just a release. I’ve dated many girls, but none of them ever touched my heart. None even came close to what I feel for Lisa.
I stroke myself thinking about her caramel colored eyes looking up at me, her mouth parted and that little moan that escaped those lips right before she came. She’s just so fucking beautiful! I imagine her lying naked on my bed letting me taste her skin, my hands cupping her breasts and taking a nipple into my mouth, sucking it then flicking my tongue over the peak while my hand makes its way down her body to the place I really want to taste. She would be wet for me, and just touching her would bring that little sound from her throat. Kissing my way across her belly, stopping to dip my tongue into her belly button. Continuing down, I can smell her arousal and my mouth waters from the scent. Gently licking her slit, I come to her clit then bathe it with my tongue. Swirling my tongue around, she calls my name then latches on while my fingers invade her and find that spot inside. Soon she’s coming around me, squeezing my head and hand between her legs as the waves of her orgasm go on and on. I come in an eruption, steadying myself against the tile so I don’t fall down. I let the water run over me washing away the evidence of my fantasy and taking with it the peace I feel from imagining her with me.
Getting out and drying off, I see myself in the mirror. I’ve lost weight in the past couple of months and I need a haircut. I’ve let myself go and it’s time to start getting my shit together. Dealing with loving Lisa was never easy, but I told her I could deal and I won’t let her down again. I just hope to keep times when I’m with her and Bobby at the same time to a minimum.
I get dressed and head out. The whole day of sitting watching football with Lisa next to me hollering for the Giants is just what I need. And hopefully Victor Cruz will score a touchdown so I can watch her jump up and salsa. Damn, I really do need to find a woman to take my mind off of her. Even if it is just sex so I can be around her and not have a perpetual hard-on. The problem is all of my friends are in relationships so there is no one to go trolling with.
It takes me fifteen minutes to drive to Jodi’s and I think I have an answer to my dilemma. I’ll ask Lisa to go to a bar with me tonight and see if she can pick out a woman for me. I would love to see who she sets me up with; maybe she’ll find me someone like her. Lisa’s never really seen me with anyone, a few girls I dated in high school but none of them ever lasted more than a month and no one that I ever kissed in front of her. Maybe I can make her jealous. Jodi did comment a few months ago that Lisa’s never really had to share me.
I walk into the house without knocking since they all know I’m coming. “Hey guys,” I greet them.
Lisa gets up and gives me a hug that gets my blood boiling. “I’m so glad you came over,” she whispers in my ear. I don’t know why she’s whispering it’s not like Jodi or John haven’t seen how she and I interact before. Hell, usually she is sitting on my lap while we watch TV. Our relationship has always had a physical aspect to it, just not as physical as I want it to be.
She leads me to the couch, her #80 jersey too big for her draping over her shorts covered ass halfway down her thighs; it looks more like a dress than a shirt. She sits crossing her legs and pulls me down beside her leaning into me and I put my arm around her. I hear a sigh leave her lips and I pull her closer. She snuggles into my side and peace wars with guilt within me. This is going to be a long fucking day.
John, sitting on the other side of Lisa, holds out his hand. “How’s it going man?” That’s a loaded question. My eyes meet his over Lisa’s head and I hope he can’t see the conflict in them. “I’m good.” I glance around. “Looks like you guys got everything cleaned up. Great party by the way.” This is a safe subject, no way for him to probe into me.
Jodi is sitting on the floor in front of John leaning back between his legs, she looks up at me and smiles. “I’m so glad you came, we all missed you.” The way she emphasizes the word ‘all’ tells me she really means that Lisa missed me. Jodi and I have always had a great relationship; we both care for Lisa deeply. Now that I’ve re-emerged from my self-inflicted exile I am sure she will try to get me alone soon to talk. She’ll fill me in with what went down while I was gone and admonish me for staying away so long. It’s a talk I would love to get out of, but I know that’s the only way for me to understand what my leaving did to Lisa. Because of her problems with abandonment I do need to know how bad it was.
Lisa looks up at me and pain is evident in her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she whispers. God, I want to kiss her! I want to take that pain away and replace it with the love I feel for her.
Running the back of my fingers down her cheek, I lean down and
kiss her forehead as I murmur, “It’s okay pretty girl.”
She tenses. I haven’t called her that in years..not since before that New Year’s Eve. It was what I always called her before that night. It was the endearment that was always in my heart for her and using it now brings back all those memories.
Jodi stands up taking John’s hand. “Give me a hand in the kitchen, please.” She drags him with her, looking back at us. I know she’s giving us time alone; she knows what I just did...how I just bared my soul.
Tears are slipping down from Lisa’s eyes when she looks at me. “Am I still your pretty girl?” She asks. A knife plunged into my heart. Seeing her tears just from hearing those words come out of my mouth. I can’t take them back. I can’t hide them anymore and I am going to fuck up any chance of us being just friends, but could I ever really just be that with her? “You have always been my pretty girl, and you always will be.” I put my hands on either side of her face and my thumbs brush away her tears only to be replaced by more. “Please don’t cry. You’re shredding my heart with your tears.”
I need to kiss her, to feel her lips with mine. I can’t do that, she’s in love with Bobby and I have no right to hold her much less kiss her. I drop my hands and start to get up. “No!” She yells as she holds me down. “Please don’t leave me. I know it’s not right, but I need you here with me. I need you.” She straddles my lap and puts her hands on my face, looking at my lips and I can see the conflict in her eyes. Then she moves forward slowly, giving me ample time to stop her. I can’t. I’m frozen in place, not one of my muscles moves as I watch her getting closer. Her lips graze mine. She stops and looks up at me. I can’t breathe. She does it again, but this kiss is longer, pressing our lips together and then she sighs and her mouth opens against me. I’m not even thinking now as my tongue darts out and into her. The taste of her goes straight to my cock and I’m instantly hard. I’m no longer frozen; she has melted me. My arms go around her and I press her against me as I explore her mouth. I moan into her, struggling to get her close enough to me. I move to caress her cheek and I feel the tears and it’s like someone just pushed me in the bay. I pull back and look at her.
“Did I hurt you?” God please tell me I wasn’t too rough with her.
Lisa
Bobby and I had a fight this morning. He wanted me to come back to the city with him and I wanted to stay here. It’s been a long time since I just hung out with Jodi and John and I need it. Seeing Brad again last night has confused me. I love Bobby but I don’t trust him, he’s like an addiction, I need to feel him, I need him in me. But I’m also feeling suffocated by him. The only time we’re apart is for work or if he has to go on away for a job. There’s no time for me. I’m starting to think he does it on purpose. That he thinks if I have time to think I’ll leave him.
I try to explain to him that I just need to have some time with my friends and I want to just sit and watch the game, eat leftovers and just chill. If I go back with him I will sit on his couch and watch the game alone while he works and I don’t want to do that again. I’ve done it the past few weeks and it’s lonely. I also want time to try and figure out what I’m feeling about Brad. When he showed up last night I just threw myself into his arms and it felt like a huge part of me was back. I missed him while he was gone but I didn’t realize that part of me was lost until he was here. Then when I opened his gift I realized that he knows me better than I know myself. Even after being apart all this time he came up with the one thing that I needed most. It made me see that while I know Bobby loves me he doesn’t know me. Not the real me. He knows the person I let everyone see but he doesn’t get the person that I hide away. Brad knows that person, he gets me. So I put my foot down this morning and told Bobby to go, that I was staying and if he didn’t like it too bad. He left in a huff and I haven’t heard from him since.
I helped Jodi clean, vacuuming and dusting. Cleaning the kitchen floor which was sticky from dropped drinks, all the while trying to figure out what I’m doing with my life. Am I with Bobby for the right reasons? I mean the physical part of our relationship is awesome, I can’t get enough of him that way, but the underlying relationship needs serious work.
After we were done I went and showered and got into my “game wear” a Victor Cruz jersey and cutoff shorts. I went out to help Jodi get together the food for us to eat when I overheard John say on the phone, “Bobby went back to the city for work. Lisa’s still here.”
John hangs up and sees me. “Brad’s coming over,” he tells me. And I get a flutter in my stomach. What the hell is that? I’ve never felt that before. It scares the shit out of me. I’m with Bobby and Brad is just my friend. Isn’t he?
John looks at me and I see a question in his eyes but I ignore him and go into the kitchen. Jodi is taking leftovers out of the fridge. “Brad’s coming,” I say.
Jodi looks at me. “Is that a problem?” She sees too much.
Pushing my feelings away so I don’t give anything away I comment, “No, I’ve missed him.” “Me, too, the games are much more interesting when the two of you are here,” she laughs. What the hell does that mean? “When it’s just me and John I have no one to salsa with and John has no one to talk stats to.” I think there is more to it than that, but I really have too much of my own shit to figure out, trying to see the underlying meaning of her statement will have to slide.
We get the food out and start heating up the oven. We combine the leftover lasagna and the sausage and peppers into one pan and put it in. The sauce and meatballs go into a pot on the stove. I get the rolls out and grate some Romano cheese for sandwiches. Jodi gets the salad dressings out but will leave the salad in the fridge ‘til we’re ready for it.
With everything heating we move to the living room with beers in our hands. John has the pre-game on and they are talking about the Giant’s chances against Drew Brees and the Saints. If the defense can do its job and put Drew on his back a few times we should win. Go Big Blue!!
Brad walks in and I hadn’t even heard his car pull up. When I get up and give him a hug, it hits me again how much I’ve missed him. “I’m so glad you came over,” I murmur. It just slips out in a whisper; I didn’t really mean to actually say it. I try to cover it up. Pulling him with me to the couch and down next to me just like usual. Only I’m not close enough. I need to be touching him for some reason. I lean into him and he puts his arm around me and there is the feeling I need, secure at peace, I sigh. He hugs me tighter to him.
John says something to him, but I missed it because I’m so caught up in being in his arms. I hear him answer and his voice is hesitant. Is he here because he wants to be? Am I being selfish? I don’t want to hurt him anymore, but I need him.
Jodi tells him how everyone missed him and I realize that it’s not just me that he pulled away from but everyone. My actions cut him off. How did he get through it and do I have the right to put him through it again? My heart breaks for him knowing that he had no one to help him through the pain. I can feel the tears coming to my eyes and I look up at him. “I’m sorry,” two words that I seem to say to him over and over.
He caresses my cheek and puts his lips to my forehead and whispers, “It’s okay pretty girl.” He hasn’t called me that in years! I don’t remember when he started the name, but I know when he stopped. After we had sex and I wouldn’t be with him. When I broke his heart the first time, the first of many times. How can he stand to be around me?
Tears flow out of my eyes. I hear Jodi and John get up and go into the kitchen then I look up at him. “Am I still your pretty girl?”
I see the indecision in his eyes. He wants me, but he knows he can’t have me. I want…I don’t know what I want. I want to take his pain away. “You have always been my pretty girl, and you always will be.” He wipes my tears away, but more fall. “Please don’t cry. You’re ripping my heart out with your tears.”
I see his pain, can feel it radiating off of him. He drops his hands and moves to get up. “No!”
I can’t let him leave! I need to get this out and in the open. I need to be near him. “Please don’t leave me. I know it’s not right, but I need you here with me. I need you.” My body moves on impulse alone and I’m straddling him. This is an intimate position. I put my hands to his face, but my eyes don’t move above his lips. The lips that tell me the truth, that comfort me when I’m hurting. I move forward slowly, if he stops me I’ll let him, but I really want to feel those lips on mine. Just once. Just for a second to see how it feels. I lightly touch his lips with mine, quickly pulling away, but that wasn’t enough. I go back and press my lips to his and there is that flutter in my stomach again and it makes me sigh. As my mouth opens Brad wraps his arms around me, drawing me closer to him and his tongue is in my mouth. Stroking, exploring and I feel him get hard under me. I want to grind myself into him, but I can’t. I’m not free to follow this and I do want to follow this. What does that say about me? Tears stream down my face, my heart is fracturing in half. One side has attached itself to Bobby, but the other half has just ripped out of my chest and given itself to Brad. I’m broken and I don’t think I’ll be whole again.
Brad feels the tears and pulls back. “Did I hurt you?” He asks. It’s not what he thinks. “No, but I can’t do this,” I say. His hands drop from my face and his eyes get hard. Struggling to explain, I say, “I want to do this and I’m confused. I feel like my heart is being cleaved in half and I’m scared.” I’ve always been truthful with Brad. He will understand. He may not like it, but he’ll understand.
He closes his eyes and takes a few deep breaths. He puts his hands on my thighs and I don’t know if he is going to push me off him. I wouldn’t blame him and I would let him go this time. If he needs to think away from me I will give him space. Suddenly he pulls me to him and buries his face in my neck. My hands move to him, one stroking his hair, the other fisted with his shirt on his back. I just hold him and let him gather himself. He needs this, the closeness, he’s scared, too. I know it, I know him and I will give him anything right now.