Diary of a Nerd King #2: The Complete 2nd Season - Episodes 1 to 8
Page 6
So let's eat beans with every meal.
or
Beans, beans, they're good for your heart
The more you eat, the more you fart
The more you fart, the more you eat
The more you sit on the toilet seat
“Insane Clowns, Wikipedia, and Justin Bieber”
Season 2 – Episode 207
Written and Illustrated by
Matt Ballard
© Copyright Matt Ballard 2012
All rights reserved.
http://www.diaryofanerdking.com
The author really appreciates you taking the time to read Diary of a Nerd King. Please take a moment to leave a review wherever you bought the book, tell your friends about it, mention it on Facebook, or tweet about Diary of a Nerd King on Twitter to help spread the word. Thank YOU for supporting my work.
Facebook Fanpage:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Diary-of-a-Nerd-King/320905147921308
Twitter: https://twitter.com/NerdKingDiary
Thursday
I woke up screaming last night. This time I know I was screaming because anybody would scream if they had the dream I had.
The good thing is that it was a silent scream. I don’t know how that happens, but I’m sure glad it does because the last thing I need is to wake up screaming AND have everybody else in the house find out, which is usually what happens because they wake up when they hear you screaming.
(This is my drawing of a famous painting called “The Scream” by this famous artist dude named Edvard Munch. It’s a pretty wicked awesome painting. You should check out this picture of the original.)
I can just imagine how much fun Tabi would have telling everybody she knows that I have nightmares that make me scream like a little girl.
I can see it now. She’d probably draw a picture of me as a little girl playing with dolls or something, and then stick it up all over school.
Sometimes I don’t know which is worse, imagining all the horrible things Tabi would do if she found out stuff, or the actual horrible things she actually does. What was God thinking when he invented sisters!
But back to my dream. I shot straight up in bed, and my mouth was open wide in what was an awful sounding blood-curdling howl, at least in my dream. Thank God it was silent in the real world!
I was drenched in sweat. My hair was wet and stuck to the sides of my head. Even my bed was soaked.
As I looked around in the dark, there was only one thing on my mind, and I for SURE didn’t want to see that thing in my room.
Unfortunately, I did keep seeing it, but I was pretty sure it was just the image in my head from my dream, burned into my eyes or my brain or whatever. I mean, honestly, what is the likelihood that you’re going to wake up and find an insane looking clown in your bedroom?
I know what you’re thinking, and you can stop right there. No, I don’t have a childish phobia of clowns. I’m not one of those kids you hear about that’s terrified every time they see one at the circus or when a McDonalds commercial comes on TV.
I’ve never had a problem with clowns before in my life… until now.
But you have to understand something. This clown was different. This clown was nuts, absolutely crazy, insane, off his rocker.
I don’t care how tough you are, you would’ve woke up drenched in sweat and screaming too if you had a dream with this nut-bar clown in it. Even Darth Vader would’ve. Wolverine too. Batman, Spiderman, Magneto, it doesn’t matter. I’m telling you this clown would freak you out!
He was wearing white face paint, with a big fuzzy red wig and one of those big squishy red noses to match. He had big red circles painted on his cheeks, and his lips were drawn in with big red strokes of lipstick or facepaint too.
He wore a big red bowtie, with little white polka-dots on it, and big bright red jacket over a white button-up shirt with a HUGE collar. The red jacket had a HUGE collar too.
He wore over-sized red and white striped pants that were held up with black suspenders. The suspenders were the really thick kind, and the clips at the end of them that fastened to his pants were actually giant eyeballs that peeked out at you every time he moved and his coat swished to the side.
He had perfectly white, tight-fitting gloves on his hands, and a pair of those over-sized clown shoes on his feet that were bright red too.
But it was the face and eyes that did it. Those eyes were terrifying! Just crazy looking, with streaks of black make-up or eyeliner or whatever they call it, painted on it quick little slashes that made it look like the whites of his eyeballs were floating in a black pit.
And he had this beard, not a full, nice, fuzzy beard like Santa has, but a short and stubbly one, like the kind you see a bum on TV sleeping in a cardbox under a bridge has. It was colored in shades of prickly black which sure didn’t help him look any friendlier, let me tell you.
It was the combination of the red and white perfectly matched clothes, the big bowtie, the big red wig, nose, and the over-sized jacket, pants, and shoes… all things you’d normally expect a clown to wear, but when combined with those crazy looking eyes and that stubbly beard, it was wickedly scary!
Trust me, you don’t want this guy to show up at your little brother or sister’s birthday party. He’d probably eat all the kids instead of having a piece of cake!
As I lay back in my bed and my heart-beat began to return to normal, I started to wonder what in the name of Hannah Montana was up with all these crazy dreams I was having! (don’t tell anybody I just wrote “what in the name of Hannah Montana.” I don’t know where that came from, and I promise I won’t say it or write it again. Just don’t tell anybody.)
First the evil looking demon head, and now an insane looking, crazy scary clown!
And it wasn’t even like I was watching horror movies or something before bed. I mean, you kinda expect to have nightmares after you watch a scary vampire or zombie movie (one of the scary zombie movies, not the funny ones). That’s almost part of the fun of watching one.
Or if you get up late at night to have a pee and you see your Mom in the bathroom with all that white face cream goop on her face and her hair up in rollers, well that give you nightmares too!
But I didn’t watch any horror movies, and it’s been a long time since I bumped into my Mom in the middle of the night looking like a creature from Night of the Living Dead.
So why was I having these dreams?
The good thing is that the whole clown thing gave me another wicked awesome idea. No, not another prank to play on Tabi (although that is a good idea). It gave me an idea for a new, wicked awesome video for our YouTube show!
We can do a whole video on clowns. Maybe even just scary looking clowns like the one from my dream. I can draw him and use the drawing in the video, and then we can show a whole bunch of pictures of other scary looking clowns that we find online.
Maybe we’ll even show some movie clips that have scary looking clowns in them!
Or clown sidekicks like Sideshow Bob on the Simpsons! He’s kind of a clown, even though he doesn’t really dress like one most of the time, but he does have the hair for it and he’s sure crazy.
Remember the episode where Bob frames Krusty for robbing the Kwik-E-Mart and gets him arrested so he can take over the Krusty the Clown show? Luckily Bart foiled his plan and gets Krusty OUT of jail and Sideshow Bob put IN.
Now that was a wicked awesome episode! Bart rocks!
Speaking of people that rock, I have to say that I rocked GLEE club again today, and not as a girl either! (you know what I mean… I didn’t have to imagine myself as a girl to sing today).
It was pretty amazing if I do say so myself.
I had an epiphany, and everything just went wicked awesome!
I have to pat myself on the back for using the word epiphany too. I learned it in English class today, and I think Mrs. Fizzerwinch would be pretty impressed that I used it already, but since this diary (journal, not diary) is TOP SECRET, s
he’ll never read it and I have to pat my own self on the back instead.
It’s a pretty cool sounding word, epiphany. You kind of have to say it over again a few times the first time you hear it just to get it roll off your tongue right.
If you’re like me, you didn’t have a clue what it meant before today either. I’m not even sure I ever heard it before.
Wikipedia says that “An epiphany… is the sudden realization or comprehension of the (larger) essence or meaning of something,” or in other words, a person has “"found the last piece of the puzzle and now sees the whole picture.”
Mrs. Fizzerwinch isn’t a big fan of Wikipedia. She says we’re not allowed to use it for “scholarly” work because it’s not a valid, authenticated source. In other words, she’s trying to say Wikipedia isn’t legit.
I think Mrs. Fizzerwinch needs to get with the program. Wikipedia is awesome. It’s probably like the smartest website on the planet. EVERYBODY uses it! Mrs Fizzerwinch is just way too old school, and she’s showing it by not being cool with Wikipedia.
Just to prove my point, I looked up epiphany on the Merriam-Webster.com website which is one of the biggest dictionary publishers. Their dictionary is also an approved “valid, authenticated source” according to Mrs. Fizzerwinch, so she can’t complain me using them.
Here’s the thing. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary on their website, an epiphany is “(1): a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something” (2): an intuitive grasp of reality through something (as an event) usually simple and striking.”
So, Wikipedia is basically saying the exact same thing as Merriam-Webster’s dictionary, but Wikipedia is actually easier to understand (at least I think so anyways). Mrs. Fizzerwinch really needs to get with it and hop on the 2012 train.
I’m going to keep using Wikipedia, no matter what she says. Of course, I probably won’t tell her I am because that would just get me in trouble, and she’d probably give me a bad mark.
No, I’ll just pretend I’m using one of her “valid, authenticated sources” like the Merriam-Webster dictionary, and then she’ll be happy, I’ll still get a good mark, and me and Wikipedia can continue our online relationship.
I’m not sure why, but lots of old people are like Mrs. Fizzerwinch. They don’t like the internet, or they don’t trust it, or both. Even my Mom and Dad aren’t totally OK with the internet, at least not 100%.
I mean, don’t get me wrong. They use it and everything, and they’re not REALLY old school like Mrs. Fizzerwinch! They just don’t get it 100% like us kids do. Maybe that’s why too. The internet is mostly for young people.
Hey, most of it is built by young people anyways. Maybe old people, and getting old people like our parents just feel like they don’t fit in on the internet. Or maybe it makes them feel old.
Mom is always complaining about stuff “making her feel old.” I’m not exactly sure what she means by that, and I really don’t see how the internet can make her “feel old,” especially since it’s full of young people, but it really seems to be a problem for her so maybe that’s why she’s not 100% dialed into the internet.
Regardless of Mom, Dad, or Mrs. Fizzerwinch, I’m totally cool with the internet. I use it all the time, and I think it’s great. Life would be pretty boring if we didn’t have it!
Oh yeah… back to GLEE club. I kinda got sidetracked on the whole epiphany thing!
So anyways, I had an epiphany in GLEE club today (see… I used it again. Too bad Mrs. Fizzerwinch will never see it!).
I was pretty nervous as it got closer to my time to sing since we were all practising solos today. When it came time for me to sing, I figured I was probably going to just imagine myself as a girl again, and sing wicked awesome like I did last time.
I mean, don’t get me wrong. I didn’t really want to imagine myself as a girl, but I also didn’t want to embarrass myself singing in front of everybody, and the whole imagining myself singing as a girl worked pretty well last time, so I just figured that’s what I’d do.
Really, it wasn’t like I consciously did it on purpose last time. I didn’t say to myself, “Max, you’re going to imagine you’re a girl that sings awesome like the one in your dream,” and then poof, I could magically sing awesome.
It wasn’t like that at all. It just happened, out of the blue, all of a sudden, out of nowhere. One minute I was terrified of singing, and the next I was singing wicked awesome by picturing myself as the girl version of me from my dream.
Today was MUCH better though. Maybe my subconscious had been working on the whole girl thing so that I didn’t have to feel embarrassed about it. I don’t know for sure, but when it came time for me to sing today, I didn’t picture myself as the girl version of me from my dream, and I still sang wicked awesome!
I was Justin Bieber!
I don’t know if it’s because of the whole Justin Bieber half-brother thing, or what, but it happened pretty much the same way as the girl thing did.
One minute I was nervous about having to sing, then it was my turn, and all of a sudden I was Justin Bieber, singing wicked awesome, and blowing everybody in GLEE club away!
I have to say, it felt much better singing as Justin Bieber than it did singing as a girl. I mean, it would still be a little embarrassing if people found out I was imagining I was Justin Bieber when I sang, but NOWHERE near as embarrassing as it would be if they found out I was imagining I was a girl!!!
And there was an added bonus too. It seemed like Jordan was even more impressed with my singing than she was before!
I think I’m going to have to practice this whole singing thing, and I’m going to work on doing it as Justin Bieber, not as the girl version of me. It’s totally way more cool to be Justin than it is to be a girl.
Who knows? Maybe I’ll even become a famous singer like the Biebs!
P.S. Here’s a couple jokes we’re thinking about using in our next YouTube video. I’m writing them down here so I don’t forget them.
Why did Tigger look inside the toilet? He was looking for Pooh!
What did Obi-Wan say to Luke at dinner time? May the forks be with you!
Why was the nose sad? Because he did not get picked!
“Rat Milk, Uranus, and The Snake Dudes”
Season 2 – Episode 208
Written and Illustrated by
Matt Ballard
© Copyright Matt Ballard 2012
All rights reserved.
http://www.diaryofanerdking.com
The author really appreciates you taking the time to read Diary of a Nerd King. Please take a moment to leave a review wherever you bought the book, tell your friends about it, mention it on Facebook, or tweet about Diary of a Nerd King on Twitter to help spread the word. Thank YOU for supporting my work.
Facebook Fanpage:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Diary-of-a-Nerd-King/320905147921308
Twitter: https://twitter.com/NerdKingDiary
Friday
At lunch today, the milk I got with my hot dog and french fries tasted really funny. Not funny ha ha, but funny as in makes-your-stomach-do-flip-flops.
I only took one drink of it, but unfortunately it was a big long swig. I was really thirsty, so the first thing I did when Boogie and I sat down at our table, was to open my milk and take a big, long pull on it.
I know what you’re thinking. Why would I take a huge drink if it tasted funny?
Well, you know how it is when you’re thirsty, you grab a drink, and start gulping it down to quench your thirst. You’re drinking so fast, and you’re just concentrating on relieving your thirst.
You don’t really taste it until you’re practically finished the drink, which is exactly what happened to me.
Of course, by that time, I was already feeling like the milk was going to come back up, and I was starting to look around to see what was the safest direction to release an atomic size spray of regurgitated, funny tasting milk.
&
nbsp; Luckily, I didn’t throw up after all, because there really wasn’t any safe directions available. I would’ve either had to launch my funny tasting milk attack in Boogie’s direction, or to the right which would’ve hit a table full of girls, who just happened to be fairly popular girls, which would’ve made soaking them in thrown up milk even more disastrous than if they were just regular girls.