(in)visible

by Talie D. Hawkins

  “I need to go. I have stuff to do.”

  “Can I stay with you today? I don’t want to be here at home. Let’s do something.”

  I sniffed and wiped my eyes again. “Like what?”

  “Go to a movie, or play mini golf. I don’t care. I just don’t want to be alone today.” He sighed and sat back in his seat. The truth was that I didn’t want to be alone either.

  “I’m not going anywhere with you...until you put some pants on.” He almost flew out of the car.

  “Don’t. Go. Anywhere! I’ll be out in ten minutes.” He made motions for me to stay put as he went into his house, and he was true to his word. He was out in less than ten minutes.

  “So, where to? And if I get jumped by a bunch of cheerleaders for hanging out with you, I hold you solely responsible.”

  “No one’s jumping anyone,” he said with a roll of his eyes. “Go down Fletcher street,” he said, pointing in the direction like I didn’t know where it was.

  “There’s nothing there but the ravine,” I said with a confused look on my face.

  “I know.” I shrugged my shoulders and headed out. Logan flipped through my iPod, looking at my music as I drove. He finally picked something and settled back in his seat.

  I pulled into a parking spot that over-looked the ravine. I hadn’t been here in years and I was amazed at how beautiful it was in the winter. Little frozen crystals had formed on the needles of the evergreen trees, making them look like they had been decorated for Christmas.

  “Come on,” he said as he got out of the car. He started walking down a path that led into the creek bed below.

  “Where are we going?” I asked, as I hesitantly followed him.

  “You’ll see,” was the only answer he offered.

  He maneuvered his path like he had been down it a million times. We finally came into a little clearing from all of the trees and I could see what he brought me here to see. There was a small waterfall in the middle of the creek. Most of it had been frozen solid, but there were a few streams of water still flowing down the little ledge. I was fascinated by how the frozen water looked. It was captured almost like a picture.

  “It’s a lot prettier in spring,” Logan said, pulling me from my thoughts.

  “I think it’s beautiful like this.” I was whispering and I didn’t know why. I couldn’t take my eyes off of the sights around me.

  “I don’t want us to be strangers anymore, Eggy. I can’t take not having you in my life. Every good memory I have involves you.” I turned to look at him and I could see his eyes glistening. I swallowed hard.

  “Really? Every one? What’s been going on for the last six years?” I didn’t mean for it to sound as sarcastic as it did. He eyed me cautiously, and shook his head.

  “Things have not been fantastic. My dad and I can’t seem to agree on my future,” he said with a heavy sigh.

  “What do you mean?”

  “He says military, I say college. I don’t know what I want to spend the rest of my life doing, but I don’t want to figure that out in the military.”

  The little revelation surprised me. I had always pictured Logan having it super easy. “That’s harsh. Does he know you don’t want the same thing?”

  “No, and not because I haven’t tried to tell him. He won’t listen. Whatever. Enough about me, what about you?” He was snapping a small twig he had found into tiny pieces.

  “I’m trying to graduate in one piece and then I plan to go as far away as possible.” I said it matter-of-factly as I tossed a pebble into the almost frozen water below. I looked over to see why Logan hadn’t said anything and found him staring at me. “What?”

  “That’s depressing. I want us to re-connect and I find out you’re leaving.”

  I sighed before I said anything. “It hasn’t been easy at home for me either. Mark and Betsy are more like family to me than my parents.”

  “Mark and Betsy?” he asked.

  “Yeah, they own the coffee shop I work at. I spent so much time there that they finally offered me a job. They’re super cool people.”

  “You’re parents were always the cool parents. What happened?”

  I thought about my answer for a minute as I adjusted my coat. “Nothing mattered after Noah died. I know some families can pull through that stuff, but not mine. I may as well have gone with him. We’re just a bunch of strangers who share a house. They hate each other and I feel like a ghost there.” Logan was staring at me again, and I could see pity in his eyes. “Don’t.” I shook my head. “I know that look. Don’t feel sorry for me. I’m fine. I have a plan, and I have been getting along on my own for a while now. I’m going to be just fine.”

  “That’s not why I’m staring at you.” He smiled just a little. “Talking to you feels like I’m traveling back in time-in a good way.”

  “I’m freezing. We should take off,” I said as I started to stand.

  “Do we have to go home?” he asked as we walked back to the car.

  “What do you have in mind?”

  “Hot chocolate. Like, really hot, and really chocolatey.”

  I had to giggle at that. “Then I think I know where we’re going.”

  7

  The coffee shop was pretty busy when we pulled up and both Mark and Betsy stopped what they were doing momentarily when they saw me walk in with another person. I couldn’t blame them. It surprised me too. I let myself behind the counter and made our drinks while Logan found a sofa to lounge on.

  “Are you going to explain that?” Betsy asked, motioning in Logan’s direction.

  “Yes, later. I promise.”

  I handed Logan his cup and sat next to him. “This should feel weirder,” I blurted out.

  “What should?” He asked, looking a little confused.

  “Being with you. It’s been so long but it doesn’t feel like it.”

  “I know. Talking to you is as easy as it was when we were little.”

  I took a sip of my hot chocolate and I could feel the whipped cream on my nose. Logan and I laughed a little as he helped me wipe it off, but my laughter died as soon as I saw Jake walk into the shop. I hoped and prayed he wasn’t looking for me. Logan turned to see what caught my attention. “Are you and Jake a thing?”

  “No,” I shook my head. “I don’t have a thing with anyone.” Jake ordered a drink and scanned the shop. His eyes landed on me and he made his way over. He looked a little surprised to see Logan sitting next to me.”

  “Hope I’m not intruding, but I hate to sit in these places alone. Care if I join you?”

  Logan answered before I could. “Please, have a seat,” he said with a pinch of sarcasm in his voice.

  “So, what are you two crazy kids doing today?” he asked as he got settled into the chair across from us.

  “Not much,” I managed to say. “You’re pretty much seeing it.” I held up my drink to punctuate my point. We all shared a moment of awkward silence until Logan finally broke it.

  “Well, I’m gonna head out,” he said, getting up from his spot.

  “Let me give you a ride,” I offered.

  “Nah. I need the walk right now. You stay here and keep Jake company,” he said with a wink only I could see. I rolled my eyes at him, and tried to hide the annoyed look on my face.

  “In all the time I have seen you at school I have never seen you hanging out with anyone,” Jake said, catching me off guard.

  “How long have you been paying attention?” I asked.

  “Longer than you think.” He settled back into his chair after he said it. “I have a confession to make. I came here looking for you today.”

  I didn’t know how to respond to that, so I asked the most obvious question. “Why?”

  “Please don’t make me spell it out, Meg.” There was a little helpless ache in his voice. I couldn’t help but blush as I caught his meaning. A grin grew on his face from ear to ear.

  “You’re blushing,” he said with a small laugh.

 
“I am not.” I sounded like a stubborn child and it made the heat in my cheeks worse. I looked down but my eyes caught on the dark red of his lower lip and my breath caught. I had to shake off the sensation he was causing me to have. My cell phone ringing helped break the spell. It was my mom. The same mom who never spoke to me. The same mom who pretended I didn’t exist. “Mom?” I asked, expecting it to be a “butt dial”.

  “Honey, come home.” Her voice was cracked and strained.

  “What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

  “Come home. It’s your dad. Just....just come home.”

  I couldn’t possibly know what she meant and the confusion must have shown on my face. “I’ll be right there.”

  “Is everything ok?” Jake asked.

  “I don’t ...I don’t know. I have to get home.”

  “You’re shaking.” The look of concern on his face made me look down at my hand. Sure enough, my hands were trembling out of control. Mark and Betsy must have seen it too. “I’ll drive you. You’re in no condition.”

  I tried to shake my head no and decline his offer, but Mark and Betsy insisted I take him up on it. The sight of an ambulance and cop car in my driveway made me glad I let him drive. My head immediately started to jump to the worst conclusions. I almost flew out of his car when it stopped and paused when I saw my mom sitting in the back of the ambulance.

  “What happened?” I asked breathlessly. They may not have treated me like I existed, but my parents were all I had.

  “Your father,” was all she managed before bursting into tears. My brain went back to all of the horrible things it could come up with. A woman in a police jacked soothed my mom and nodded for another officer to talk to me.

  “What’s going on? Where’s my dad?” I headed for my front door but was gently redirected to the front lawn.

  “My name is Christina. I’m a social worker. Is it ok if we talk for a moment?”

  I didn’t like the gentle tone of her voice. “Please just tell me what’s going on.” The frustration in my voice was raw and I felt dizzy from the adrenaline pumping through my veins. “Is my dad dead?” I held back a little sob.

  Christina shook her head no and gave me a sympathetic smile. “No, but he is hurt. He’s at the hospital right now. Your dad is going through a very difficult time and it’s probably been affecting you, and I’d like to talk to you about that.”

  “You’re still not telling me what happened.”

  She sighed and I could tell by her face that she resigned from tiptoeing around it. “Your dad made some choices today that will follow him for a time. He’s sick, and he needs help. Your mom called us because he tried to hurt her, and himself. Do you understand what I mean?”

  I understood exactly what she meant, and more thoughts than I knew possible went through my head. The one that stood out the most was that he was going to leave me behind. She was still talking, but I didn’t hear another word she said. I snapped out of it when she told me they were going to take my mom to the hospital. She asked me if I wanted to ride with her, but there was no way I could make myself get in the back of the ambulance. That’s when she offered to drive me. I slipped into her sate issued vehicle silently, and then a thought occurred to me. “How?”

  She glanced over at me. I could tell she was thinking of how to answer. “A knife.” I nodded and understood. It suited my dad. He was too much of a coward to go for a sure thing like a gun.

  “What do you need from me?” I asked before we got out of the car. “Do I have to stay here, or answer questions?”

  “I do have to ask you a few questions. I need to make sure you’re safe at home. Your dad will probably remain in the hospital for a while.”

  “Then can you just ask them? I’d like to leave.”

  “Don’t you want to go in and see your mom?”

  “I’d like to leave.”

  “Megan, I know this is hard, and you’re probably feeling very confused. You can talk to me.”

  I had finally had enough of her gentle tone. I got out of her car and slammed the door behind me. I looked around the hospital entrance then turned back to the street. I started walking home, hearing Christina call after me, but I ignored her. I wasn’t sad, or in shock like she thought. I was angry, and I needed to be as far from here as possible. As I got to the exit I noticed Jake’s car sitting by the road. I had completely forgotten about my ride with him. He jumped out of his car as soon as he saw me.

  “What’s going on?”

  “Can you get me out of here? Please?” I managed to ask just before the tears started to fall. He got into the driver’s seat without another word and took off. I didn’t ask where he was going, and he didn’t press me for info.

  He drove for what seemed like an eternity. We finally pulled into a parking lot for a hiking trail that was just out of town. It was empty because of the time of year. The trails were closed during the winter. He turned the engine off and I immediately missed the heater warming me up.

  “Can I ask what happened back there?” he said with concern.

  “It’s complicated.”

  “I sort of figured from the scene back there.”

  “Not just that. My whole life is complicated.”

  “I’m right here if you want to talk.” His voice was just above a whisper and something about it was comforting. Without warning my mouth began to spill my secrets.

  “He was going to just leave me behind. I have known since I was a kid that I stopped meaning anything to them, but this is more than I can take.” There was nothing I could do to stop the tears that had been threatening my eyes.

  “Hey, it’s ok,” he said as he pulled me to him. His protective arms wrapped around me and he stroked my hair as I cried against his chest. Part of me knew that I was letting a stranger into my world, but most of me didn’t care. When I was finally able to calm down I pulled myself away and wiped my face.

  “When I was little my older brother died. He was a year older than me,” I said between sniffs. “That’s how I know Logan. He was my brother’s best friend. We used to live right next door to him and I think I was at his house more than my own.” A melancholy smile spread across my face as I remembered those days. “A few neighborhood kids dared my brother to ride his bike down Devil’s Hill. If he could do it, they’d pay him twenty bucks. That’s a lot of money to a kid. But it all went wrong. He made it down the hill, but a truck came out of nowhere. Noah didn’t stand a chance. It was horrible.”

  “That’s terrible. I’m so sorry,” he said, reaching for my hand. He caressed my thumb as I went on.

  “My whole world changed when it happened. I have been living like a ghost in my house because to this day, my parents can’t cope with the loss. So much so, they’d be willing to leave me behind.”

  He pulled me back to him when the tears started. “I don’t have any magic words to say that will help you, but you know you don’t have to go through any of this alone, right?”

  I wiped my eyes again. “I appreciate that. I do, but I have a plan, and any attachments here would make it hard.”

  “Tell me your plan.” He didn’t let go of my hand as he said it.

  “I’m going to graduate, get in a school far away from here, and never look back.”

  8

  I felt like I was in a surreal dream, and during one moment of clarity, I realized I was sitting next to a boy who intrigued me, but didn’t know me at all. And he was holding my hand in comfortable silence. When I glanced up at him to make sure I wasn’t dreaming, I noticed he was staring out in front of us. His jaw was a tight line, and a strand of his black hair had fallen out of place and into the front of his eyes. I could only see a fragment of the green in his eyes from where the setting sun illuminated it. I tried to make myself turn away, but it was almost impossible. Almost- until he turned to face me. Self-consciousness slammed into me and I had to look away.

  “Look at me,” he whispered with a small ache in his voice.

&nbs
p; “I can’t.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know what I’m doing here,” I said so softly I wasn’t sure he had heard me.

  “Explain.”

  “Just a few days ago my plan was bullet proof and nothing was in my way. Now...I don’t know. I’m not sure of anything anymore. I just know I can’t add anything to my life that would make it hard to leave.”

  He tilted my chin up and made me look at him. There was a softness on his face that made me melt. “Add things like me?”

  I could only nod yes to answer him. I was too much of a coward to say the word.

  “I’m not asking you to do anything. I’m not asking you for anything. I’m just here because you’ve had a really bad day and I don’t think you should be alone.”

  “Thanks.” I knew that one word wasn’t enough, but it was all I had. “I don’t know if I should go home, or go to the hospital. I don’t want to talk to that social worker.” I knew I sounded like I was pouting.

  “I think you probably know where you have to go.” He gave me a sympathetic smile.

  “Yeah, you’re right. Would you mind taking me to my car?” We pulled into the coffee shop parking lot a few minutes later and Jake hopped out of his car and walked me to mine.

  “Are you sure you’re ok?”

  “I’m sure.” I silently hoped saying it enough would make it true. Jake stood in front of me with his hands in his pockets. I had to resist the urge to push that little stray lock of hair out of his eyes. “Thanks....for today. I’m sorry you got stuck with me and my drama.”

  “You have nothing to be sorry for.” Instead of me pushing away his stray hair, he was tucking a lock of mine behind my ear. Our eyes locked for a moment- green on blue- and I forgot where I was for a moment. “Drive safe,” he said before turning away.