(in)visible

by Talie D. Hawkins

  “My mom took off when I was little and my grandparents have been the only parents I have ever known,” he said with a shrug of his shoulders. “No idea who my dad is and I really don’t care.”

  “You’re lucky you have them.” It occurred to me in that moment that everyone had a story, and a lot of them were rough. I wasn’t the only one who had it bad.

  “Whoa, did I over share? The mood just got really serious.”

  I had to laugh a little. “You are joking right? Remember me? Girl with a homicidal father and depressed mother?”

  He pulled into a parking spot and turned in my direction with a smile on his face that almost made my heart stop. Then it dawned on me- regardless of whether I liked it or not, I probably had feelings for this boy.

  The Railroad Cafe was pretty busy for a weekday but we were able to get a cozy table near their stone fireplace, which was great for me since I was always cold. I still wondered how Jake could be warm enough in his thin hoodie. I was in my peacoat and still cold.

  “How are you not freezing in that?” I asked, motioning to his jacket.

  He looked down at what he was wearing then he bit his lip for a second. “I get hot when I get nervous.”

  I was confused at that. “Nervous? What are you nervous about?”

  He only shook his head with a grin, but didn’t answer my question. The waitress came and took our order, pouring us each a steaming cup of coffee. It felt god to wrap my fingers around the mug.

  “Do you have to work later?” He was changing the subject.

  “Good question.” I took my phone out and checked for messages. There was one from the coffee shop.

  “Megs, we are snowed in. Do something fun with your day. Make a snowman, or watch trashy television and eat junk food,” Betsy said with a laugh.

  “I guess I have the day off.”

  He smiled at me again and my body reacted immediately.

  “Seriously adorable.”

  “Excuse me?” I asked.

  “When you blush. It’s adorable.”

  I instinctively looked down at the table, not knowing what to say.

  “And I’m making it worse. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. I’m just....I’m not used to this.”

  I was thankful that our food arrived and the mood relaxed. We chatted about school and goals as we ate and it was easy to be in his company. I learned a lot about his childhood, and told him stories about mine and all of the crazy antics we would pull as kids. He sat back against the booth and wiped his mouth.

  “I’m surprised you and Logan drifted apart like that.”

  “I’m not. It was traumatic and I only thought of my brother when I saw him and how incomplete everything seemed,” I said between bites. “I’m pretty sure he felt the same. Sorry, I take forever to eat,” I said as I noticed I was only about halfway into my stack of pancakes.

  “That’s too bad. You lost a lot more than your brother.”

  I only nodded as I chewed. He studied me a little and I started to feel a tiny bit self-conscious. I finished up my bite and pushed my plate away.

  “This was a great idea. Thanks for getting me out of the house.”

  “Ditto. I really don’t want to go home.”

  “Neither do I,” I confessed.

  “Well, then...shall we play in the snow?”

  I had to laugh at this. The idea was absurd, but perfect.

  “I’ll take that as a yes!”

  11

  We drove to a popular clearing for snow play. There were small hills for sledding, and plenty of room to make a snowman. We got to work on making our own little character, and I laughed out loud at the fact that I was doing exactly what Betsy had told me to do with my day. “Hang on- I need to take a picture for my boss.” I grabbed my phone, but my mood went sour when I saw the text waiting for me. Jake must have seen it on my face.

  “Everything ok?”

  “Yeah, it’s just Logan. It’s nothing.”

  “Are you sure?”

  I looked at the message. He was clearly drunk texting me and I decided not to let it ruin my day.

  “I’m positive.” I tossed my phone in his truck and when I turned around I was smacked on the shoulder with a snowball. After a moment of stunned shock I laughed harder than I could ever remember laughing. “Oh, you’ll pay. You might want to start running,” I threatened as I formed my own snowball. I tossed it and it hit him in the chest.

  “Nice shot,” he complimented as he laughed at me, and suddenly I was stunned again. His green eyes lit up as he laughed, and I was helplessly in awe of them. He made his way toward me and wiped some of the snow off of my shoulder, but his eyes were locked on mine. “Maybe we should go,” I said just above a whisper. He didn’t answer right away, but he didn’t take his eyes off of mine.

  “Maybe,” he agreed. His fingers grazed my neck, and chills rang out all over my skin. “You’re freezing. Let’s go somewhere warm.” I didn’t trust myself to speak, so I just nodded.

  I had no idea of where we were headed when he started driving, but I could tell that the buildings of our small town were fading in the distance. I wasn’t even curious. Every part of me wanted to stay in his warm truck with him. We had been on the road, driving through mostly forest for a while, when he finally spoke.

  “My grandparents have a tiny cabin my grandpa uses when he fishes. Sometimes he gets too tired to drive home, so he built this place,” he said as he drove. Just then a tiny cottage came into view. It looked like something out of a fairytale. “I wanted to show you the lake after a snowfall. It’s beautiful.”

  We hopped out and stepped onto the wrap around porch. Once we were on the side of the house, I could see what he wanted me to see. The sight was breathtaking. We were surrounded by snow-covered trees and in the middle sat a clear, blue lake. “This is amazing,” I said, thinking back to my time at the ravine with Logan. I had been missing all of the wonders right in front of my eyes.

  “I’ve been coming here all my life. I love it.”

  “I can see why.”

  “It’s freezing. Let’s get inside.” He grabbed a few logs from a firewood bin, and unlocked the door.

  “Are you sure they won’t mind if we’re here?”

  “I’m positive,” he said as he opened the door.

  The inside of the cottage was warm and inviting. Overstuffed sofas sat against the walls, and there was a large, rustic looking dining table sitting near a small kitchen that occupied a corner of the main room. The wood paneled walls were painted white and gave the space a “beachy” feel. A large fireplace took up one of the walls, and above it a mantel displayed family pictures in miss-matched frames.

  Jake got the fire going right away then headed to the fridge. “They were just here last week, so the fridge should still be stocked. Aha!” He pulled out whatever he was looking for. It was apple cider. He took a pot off of a hook on the wall and poured some of the cider in, then sat it on the stove to heat up. It made the room smell amazing. He handed me my mug and I inhaled the scent before I tasted it. We made our way over to one of the sofas and sat down.

  “Thank you,” I said between sips.

  “Oh, you’re welcome. My grandparents get the cider from an orchard up the road.”

  “No, I mean thank you for bringing me here. I really didn’t want to go home. But the cider is good too.”

  He sat his cup on the little, wooden coffee table and leaned closer. “I really didn’t want to take you home.” His voice was low and sent goosebumps all over my body. I bit my lip so I wouldn’t say anything stupid, then I took another sip from my mug. He leaned back a little then something outside caught his eye. “I may have spoken too soon. Looks like I have to take you back. It’s about to start snowing again,” he groaned. I couldn’t hide the disappointment on my face. “Maybe we can give it just a little longer?” He asked with an arched eyebrow. I nodded yes, and we both settled back on the sofa.

  I was mesmerized b
y the crackling fire and couldn’t take my eyes off it, but when I looked over, Jake wasn’t watching the fire. He was watching me. I smiled a shy smile and tried to think of something to say.

  “Do you ever see your mom?” I mentally kicked myself for asking such a personal question.

  “Yep. Every other week in Florence between 9:00 am and 3:00 pm,” he said bitterly.

  Florence was our prison. “That must be hard.”

  “Not for me. It’s kind of all I know. It’s hard for them,” he said, gesturing to a photo of his grandparents. “It kills me to see the look on my grandma’s face when we go there.”

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.”

  “No, don’t be. I don’t have any secrets, Meg.” His eyes locked on mine when he said it and I knew he meant it, but for some reason that terrified me.

  “It’s warm in here,” I said as I pulled off my pea coat. I thought back to what he said about being hot when he was nervous. “Why did you say you were nervous earlier?” I blurted out.

  He laughed a little to himself, and a small lock of hair fell in his eyes. I felt it again- the flutter in my belly. “You really don’t know, do you?”

  I shook my head no.

  “I’m nervous because of you.” A shy smile turned up a corner of his mouth.

  I swallowed hard. “Because of me?”

  “I really like you,” he said, just above a whisper. My heart started pounding and I prayed he couldn’t hear it. Without thinking I stood up and crossed the room. I could hear him sigh in frustration at my reaction. “Wow. I’m way off, huh? I thought just maybe you liked me too.” The disappointment in his voice physically hurt. I turned to face him.

  “I do. I just can’t do this.” I hated myself for saying it.

  “I feel like an ass,” he declared as he suddenly headed out of the front door. After a moment I followed him. It was freezing so I wrapped my arms around myself. He was standing near a tree, facing the lake. I looked up at how dark the sky had gotten. A fraction of a second later, snow started to fall.

  “Jake, I’m sorry. I really am. Please don’t be mad.”

  “I’m not mad.” He didn’t turn around when he said it. “I’m just....I don’t know. I feel like you’re holding back from what you really want, and I thought maybe I could break down that wall. Every time I feel you give in a tiny bit, the wall goes back up.”

  He was right. He was absolutely right. Mixed feelings rushed into my head at that moment and I was flooded with conflicting emotions. Most of me screamed to forget my big plans, and to let someone in. I knew I had already missed out on too much because I was too closed off. It was all too much at once and before I could help it, the tears started to fall. I tried to silence my sobs, but it was no use. Jake spun around in a flash and stood in front of me.

  “Hey, don’t cry. I didn’t mean to upset you,” he said gently. I didn’t even attempt to speak. “I’m so sorry. Now I feel like a jerk.”

  I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. “You’re not a jerk. I am.”

  “What? No.” He tilted my chin up so my eyes would meet his. “I’m trying to make you ready for something I’ve wanted since seventh grade.”

  Confusion sank in as I processed what he said. “Seventh grade?” I asked between sniffles.

  A smiled warmed up his face as he wiped away one of my tears with his thumb. “Megan Winters, I have had the most wicked crush on you since seventh grade, and I’m an idiot for waiting so long to tell you.” He held my face in his hands as he said it and I was sure my heart would beat out of my chest. He rested his forehead against mine and closed his eyes. “There is something I have been dying to do,” he said in a whisper that gave me chills, and suddenly his lips were on mine. Instead of resisting I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer. I heard a little moan escape from him and he deepened the kiss. Our lips melted together over and over until he finally pulled away to catch his breath.

  I was still holding onto him for dear life. I knew if I let go my knees would give out, and he held on too. “You’re shaking,” he finally said. “We should get you back inside where it’s warm.”

  “I’m not shaking because I’m cold,” I confessed.

  “Oh.”

  “Please do that again.” And he did, pulling my lips back to his and kissing me with a hunger I didn’t know was possible. This time he was shaking too, and we both pulled away at the same time. The intensity was almost too much to handle.

  “Let’s get inside.” I was too overwhelmed to respond, so I took his hand as he led me back inside to sit by the fire. He grabbed a blanket off of one of the couches and sat down with me on the floor rug as he wrapped it around the both of us. Then he pulled me closer to him and wrapped his arms around me. “Is this ok?” he asked cautiously. I nodded yes, not trusting my ability to speak. He smiled and kissed my cheek. “Is this?” he asked as his lips moved to my jaw. My eyes fluttered at the sensation.

  “Mmmhmm.” I was very aware of the fact that I wanted him as close to me as possible. When his lips grazed my neck I let out a soft moan and he suddenly pulled away.

  “Oh man,” he said as he ran his fingers through his hair. “I need to calm down.”

  “For your sake or for mine?” He looked surprised when I asked it.

  “Those clouds are getting worse. I should get you home.” He pulled me back against his chest and neither of us made any attempt to move as we watched heavier snow start to fall. “Or maybe we’re already snowed in,” he said playfully.

  12

  Both of us lacked motivation to leave, and when we finally decided it was time to go, we were too late. We took one look at the snow that was falling and knew the lack of visibility would have us staying put for a while. Luckily, Jake’s grandparents had left the fridge pretty well stocked from their last visit. I called my mom and left her a message, knowing she probably wouldn’t notice my absence. Jake called his grandparents who seemed curious about why he was at the cabin, but must have not pressed him for too much info because the conversation was short.

  “Ok, let’s see what we have,” he said as he looked through the cabinets. He found a loaf of bread that was still good, and a few slices of cheese. Then he pulled an apple out of the fridge and started slicing it into thin pieces. “I hope you don’t think apple and cheese is a gross combination.”

  I smiled at this. “No, in fact, I love it. My grandma used to top apple pie with a slice of sharp cheddar. But you really don’t have to cook for me.”

  “Maybe I really, really want to.”

  “Can I at least help?”

  “Sure. Why don’t you butter the bread?”

  I got to work and we assembled our sandwiches, then he grilled them in a cast iron pan that looked like it had cooked hundreds of meals. We ate on the rug by the fire. I noticed how the flames made shadows on his skin, and it was almost impossible to concentrate on eating. I made it through half of my sandwich then put my plate on the coffee table. I wrapped my arms around my knees then stared at the fire.

  “What are you thinking about?” he asked between bites.

  “Probably too much to say.”

  “How about just one thing.” He set his sandwich aside and sat next to me.

  “I’m just wondering how everything can change so fast, but I shouldn’t be surprised. I just forgot things could change for the better too.”

  “Explain,” he said, as he pulled one of my hands into his.

  “When Noah died, my perfect world imploded around me. Everything changed- including me. I stopped engaging in...anything, because I thought everything good could end and it would hurt too much.”

  “And?”

  “And now, you come along, and I’m confused.” I turned to look at him, hoping my honesty wouldn’t be taken the wrong way.

  “I’m confused too. I never, in a million years, thought we’d ever be in the same room outside of a classroom, let alone snowed in after making out for the afterno
on.” He grinned as he said it, and it was the sweetest thing I had ever seen.

  “Yeah, about that....sorry I’m an amateur.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, sorry if I don’t live up to your expectations. I don’t have any previous experience.”

  “Wait. You’re saying I’m your first kiss?” His smile grew wider. “I think my heart might stop. I can’t believe I’m your first kiss.”

  “Why on Earth would I make that up?” I asked, feeling a little embarrassed.

  “I don’t mean anything bad. I just....I feel lucky.”

  I couldn’t help but smile at that. Whatever the outside world had in store for us could wait. All I wanted in that moment was to enjoy being with Jake.

  “Let’s get you something to wear to sleep. I have some clothes here.” He went into the only bedroom and pulled out a tee shirt from a drawer, along with a pair of plaid boxers. “Will this work? We’ll match. I can sleep out here so you can have the room.”

  “Oh.” I hadn’t even thought of sleeping arrangements. “Would it be weird for me to stay out here with you?”

  He made a little sound like he had almost choked. “No. Not weird at all.”

  I went into the rustic bathroom and cleaned up a little. There was a tube of toothpaste, and I put a little on a paper towel and used it as a toothbrush- an old trick I learned from Girl Scout camp. I found a hair tie and pulled my curls up in a bun. Once I was done, I stepped out and found Jake matching me just as he promised. We curled up on the couch together and I was amazed at how perfect it felt. Nothing could stop his lips from instinctively finding mine, and we kissed, lazily until we both drifted off to sleep.

  The next morning I woke up to Jake holding me against his chest as he ran his fingers in my hair.

  “Sorry, I took your hair tie out.” His voice was a little husky and it gave me a few unexpected shivers.

  “That’s ok,” I said as I yawned. “Did we miss school again?”

  “Nope. I checked on my phone. Another snow day, but there’s a break in the clouds, so I should be able to get us home.”