17
After my initial shock passed, I tried to walk past casually, but that was lost on them. They seemed just as nervous as I was.
“Sit down, Meg. We need to talk.” The shock picked back up after my mom said the words. I did as I was told, sitting in an armchair across from them. As unlikely as it was, I felt like I was going to be grilled by both of them in their debut parental act of my teen years. I decide to urge them on.
“What’s going on?”
My mom spoke up first. It was hard enough for my dad to even make eye contact. “Your dad is doing much better now and we’ve had an eye opener these last few weeks. We haven’t been what you’ve needed and we plan to change that.” My dad’s eyes welled up as my mom spoke. I was cautious as I took in what she said. “This place is tainted. The memory of everything we have gone through as a family has been toxic for the three of us.”
I wanted to scoff at her use of the words “we” and “family”. They had pretty much abandoned me emotionally years ago and had no idea of what it had been like. “What are you getting at?” I finally managed to ask.
“Even though you only have a year and a half left of high school, your dad and I agree that it’s not too late for a fresh start for us. We can’t do that here. Not with a memory around every corner.”
My blood went cold as I took in her meaning. Something I had been wishing for only weeks earlier was making me nauseous. “And where would we go?” I tried to hide the shaking in my voice and it must have worked. My mom’s eyes lit up as she answered.
“East Coast. You want to go to school there, right?”
“Is this really what’s best? Isn’t it kind of rash to leave everything we know behind? I have my job, and my grades could suffer.”
“There are other coffee shops, and you’re a bright girl. Your grades will be great anywhere.”
I thought long and hard about what to say next, but all rational thought flew out the window. “I don’t want to leave! I want to stay here, where Jake is.” Unexpected tears started falling from my eyes, leaving my parents speechless. This was clearly not what they were expecting.
“Who is Jake?” My father finally asked, breaking his silence.
“He’s my friend,” I said in a voice so small, I almost didn’t hear myself. “He’s more than that. He’s the only thing that makes me happy and I don’t want to leave him.” I stared at my shoes and played with the hem of my coat. My mother let out and exasperated sigh. It wasn’t my intention to make her angry or frustrated.
“This is what’s best, Meg. It won’t be easy on any of us. You have a few months to warm up to the idea. We won’t leave until the school year ends.” I started doing the math in my head. I’d only have a little over three months to be with Jake and my heart was already breaking.
I got up without a word and went to my room. I fell onto my bed and stared out of the window at the blue sky. Too many thoughts flooded my mind and I tried to grab one to focus on, but it was no use. Some hidden part of me made its way to the surface and filled my mind with regret. Maybe if I hadn’t let myself fall for Jake this would be so much easier. Maybe loving him was a mistake. I mentally screamed at myself as everything went blurry through my tears.
I ignored the soft knock at my bedroom door. I had nothing to say to my mom. I was beyond furious at her, but my rational side knew it wasn’t really her fault. How could they have known? Eventually, my body gave in to exhaustion so consuming, it was like nothing I had ever felt. I went to sleep with Jake’s face behind my eyelids.
I felt like I had been hit by a freight train when I opened my eyes the next day. My head was throbbing and my eyes stung from all of the crying I did the night before. When I sat up I grabbed at the top of my head to keep it from exploding. I could see mascara stains all over my pillow. A second later my phone rang.
“Hello?”
“Meg? Are you ok?” Jake asked. I wouldn’t have recognized my own voice from how worn it sounded. An involuntary hiccup escaped at the sound of his voice and I felt more tears sting my eyes. “I’m coming to pick you up. We’ll talk.”
I rushed to brush my teeth and hair, and pulled on some clean yoga pants and an oversized sweater. A look of worry took over his face as soon as I stepped out onto the front porch. He took my face in his hands and looked me in the eyes.
“What’s going on?” he asked. I could only shake my head no. Words were sure to send me into a sobbing fit. “Tell me,” he whispered. I could only plead with him with my eyes, and when I didn’t answer, he pulled me into a tight hug. I took in his smell and the feel of his body against mine and I was overcome with a need to kiss him. When I looked up at him he knew and there was no hesitation. His lips were on mine, kissing me with an intensity that had me shaking. “Can we talk now?” he whispered against my hair when he finally pulled away.
We got in his Jeep and he drove aimlessly, until we came to a park that was pretty deserted. We didn’t get out. Instead, he cranked the heat and we climbed into the back seat. I made myself calm enough to tell him about my parents’ plan and as I spoke his face didn’t give away anything.
“I thought this is what you wanted,” he finally said after several moments of intense silence.
“I thought so too, but that all changed after I met you.” I could see his jaw tighten and it was obvious he was holding something back from me. He was trying to be brave for me.
“What if I wasn’t in the picture? How would you feel then?”
“I can’t....I don’t even want to take my mind there. You are in the picture. I love you so much and the thought is killing me.” My tears came back in an instant and as he wiped them away with his thumb, I could see it was hard for him to put on the brave face. He pulled me against his chest and kissed the top of my head over and over.”
“I love you too. So much. We’ll figure something out. Don’t worry.” But as he said it, my mind was already traveling to dark places I didn’t want to think about.
After a little while we decided we needed to go somewhere and not waste all of the fuel in his car. We pulled up to the diner but he gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles long after he had parked. He silently stared out of the windshield and when his words did come, they were furious.
“This is bullshit!” he yelled through gritted teeth as he punched the dashboard. I had never seen him come undone before. He had always played it so calm and this side of him was breaking my heart. He lowered his face into his hands and hid his eyes, but I could see the moist stain of a tear right on his jaw. I was at a loss for words so I wrapped my arms around him and it was his turn to crumble.
I knew at that point that I only had one choice. I needed to make a decision for us- a decision that would hurt. I needed to set him free. It would be the most painful thing I had ever done, but he’d get over me and move on. I couldn’t say the same for myself. But not right then. I needed to be selfish and steal any moments I could.
“Should we go in?” he asked as he wiped his eyes.
“I’m not really hungry. Maybe I should just go home.”
“Is that what you want?” He looked at me skeptically.
“No. I want to sit here with you forever.”
He gave me a sad smile and brushed his thumb across my cheek. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, but he didn’t give me a chance to deny it or argue. His lips melted into mine and we were lost in a kiss that said more than words ever could.
18
Later that night, when I was alone in my room, I thought about what I had to do. I thought about how hard it would be, but I knew it was for the best. It made waking up the next day almost impossible. I knew that when I got to school I had an impossible task ahead of me.
Jake was waiting for me near the entrance and when he went in for a hug I pulled back a little, and it was for purely selfish reasons. If I had felt him I would have caved. He looked confused at first and then hurt. He was reading my face like a book, and when I saw his
jaw tighten, I knew he could see what I was up to. He stood with his fists balled at his side and stared at me.
“Don’t do this. I know what you’re doing. Don’t.” His voice was fierce, but I could hear an ache in it.
“You know...we both know this is what’s best,” I said, trying to make my voice sound strong. Instead, I sounded terrified.
“That’s garbage and you know it.” He wasn’t backing down.
“Maybe we were just putting off the inevitable. Maybe this was a mistake.” That sparked his anger.
“Don’t you dare call what I feel for you a ‘mistake’,” he said through gritted teeth. “Maybe that’s how you really feel, but don’t tell me loving you is a mistake.” I tried to keep my composure. This conversation was hurting both of us, but maybe this anger would help him get over me faster.
“I’m leaving at the end of the school year- a lot sooner than I had planned. I should have known that I’m not meant to be happy, but I don’t regret it. Even if I knew it would hurt like this I’d do it again, but I don’t want to see you hurting. It’s too hard.”
“And you pulling away isn’t hurting me?” He took a step closer when he said it.
“It won’t last long. You’ll move on.” I tried to keep my voice steady, but I caved and the tears started. He took another step, just enough of one to pull me to him. He rested his forehead on mine as he whispered.
“You must really underestimate what I feel for you. I’ll risk the pain, but don’t make my choice for me. Please don’t do this.” He wiped a tear from my cheek. The warning bell rang a second later, knocking us both out of our private moment, but he didn’t let go. I finally pulled away.
“I can’t...” I didn’t finish the sentence. Instead I turned and walked away as fast as I could. I knew if I turned back and saw his face that I would give in, but I didn’t.
The rest of the day was a blur. My mind was as far away from schoolwork as possible. I tired not to make eye contact with Jake, but every time I looked at him his eyes were on me, and they mirrored the hurt I was feeling.
He gave me my space that day, but I couldn’t say the same for Logan, who found me during study period. “There you are,” he declared, dropping his backpack next to me.
“Logan, I’m kind of having a bad day. Can we talk later?”
“I’m not going to bug you. I just wanted to say thanks. Blaine kinda gets me now. I’m glad you encouraged me to tell her what was going on.”
I managed to give him a small smile. “I’m glad.”
“I’m here if you need to talk about your bad day.”
“Thanks. Maybe when I’m ready.”
“Yeah. Well, I’ll leave you alone,” he said as he stood up.
“Thanks.”
I was ready to put the day past me and get to work, but Jake was waiting for me on the school steps when the day was over. I sighed and tried to find some resolve, but all I really wanted to do was hide in the spot just under his chin with his arms around me. He stood as soon as he saw me.
“Just hear me out...”
“Jake, don’t. Just don’t.”
“No!” He yelled it and I jumped at the anger and hurt all in that one word. “You said what you wanted to say and now it’s my turn. Why does it have to be over just because you’re leaving? We’ll both be miserable. I know you feel the same. Can’t we just try?” His voice went from angry to heartbreakingly pleading. I had to take a step back before I threw myself at him.
“We can’t. I just feel like I’m not meant to be happy and I don’t want you to get mixed up in my curse.” He closed the small gap between us and wiped away a tear I hadn’t even felt.
“You deserve to be happy. We both do.”
“Maybe. Maybe not with each other.” He recoiled after I said it, almost like I had slapped him. Every part of me felt a guilt so heavy it made it hard to do what I did next, but I somehow managed to make myself walk away.
Work was near to impossible that night. I didn’t want to be there, but I didn’t really want to be anywhere. If I could have found a way to disappear, I would have. Betsy decided to stay and catch up on some “work” that night, which was code for keeping an eye on me. She had asked me what was wrong, but even though I told her I didn’t want to talk about it, that didn’t stop her from figuring it out pretty fast.
“Are you sure you don’t want to go home? I can finish up here,” she asked with a worried expression on her face.
“I’m fine. I’d rather keep busy.”
“Fine, but you at least need to talk about it. I can practically see it churning inside of you.” She was right. I had never really had problems that involved other people because I kept them out of my life. We both took a seat on one of the sofas. It was late and the shop was pretty much empty. I filled her in from the beginning- telling her all about my parents’ plan and my choice to end things with Jake before it got any more serious. When I was done talking she didn’t say a word. Instead, she pulled me into a big hug and sniffled.
“Is it bad that I’m freaking about how I’ll lose you?” There was a tremble in her voice when she asked and I knew she was crying. She pulled back to look at me, then wiped her eyes and straightened up.
“No, because I feel the same. I thought this was exactly what I wanted, but now I know that was wrong....and it’s not just because of Jake.”
“Oh, sweetie. I don’t think you ever really wanted to leave. I think you just needed a way to put the past behind you. Jake made you realize you can make new memories. Are you sure you want to give him up so easily?”
“No,” I admitted. “But I can’t sit back and watch him possibly miss out on finding who he’s supposed to be with while he wastes time with me.”
“Shouldn’t that be up to him?”
“It was already in the back of his mind all the time. We could never even talk about it because it was too hard. This will just amplify that, and I can’t stand the thought of making him hurt anymore.”
“Alright. I won’t nag you about it, but you could be missing out on something incredible.”
“I already know that.” I leaned back on the sofa and closed my eyes.
“Go! Go home. You look exhausted.” I didn’t argue with her.
“Thanks,” I said as I hugged her goodbye.
19
The next few weeks at school were miserable. It was almost impossible to keep my grades up because my concentration was gone. Jake missed a lot of school and I couldn’t help but think it was my fault. When he did show up, he went out of his way to avoid me.
Logan and Blaine seemed happy, and he wasn’t making very many attempts to talk to me. We’d wave “hi”, but everything was going back to the way it used to be. I was blending in with the scenery and no one noticed me anymore.
I had my earbuds on one day as I read a book during lunch hour. The weather was warming up, so I was back to my quiet little spot outside. I saw the grass get dark with someone’s shadow. I was surprised to see who it was when I looked up.
“Hey, Meg,”
“Hey, Lance. What’s up?” I pulled my earbuds out.
“I’m worried about Jake. He’s not himself. He told me what happened. I get why you did what you did, but he’s a train wreck.”
“I’m sorry. I wish things were different. He’ll move on. I see the way girls gawk at him around here.”
“Yeah, well he’s not into those girls. He’s into you. Seriously, I have never seen him so down.”
“Lance, that kills me to hear, but I hope this will be for the best.” I grabbed my things and stood, hoping it would end the conversation.
“He’s willing to let it hurt. I think you know that. Are you really just protecting yourself?”
Those words hurt me and I needed to walk away, and fast- but my feet were glued in place. “I miss him so much.” I whispered.
“What’s your next class?”
“Study period, why?”
“You can skip it. Come on.
” He started walking away and I followed him with no idea of what we were doing. “He needs to see you,” he said as we got into his car, and the truth was that I needed to see him. Betsy’s words were ringing in my head. Maybe I did need to let him decide if this was worth it. Maybe things could work out. The selfish part of me didn’t even care. The selfish part of me wanted to spend as much time in his arms as possible.
I started to feel a little nervous when we got to his house. Lance ran up the steps to his front door and I followed behind cautiously. The front door was open with the screen door closed. I could see him on his couch, playing a video game. He looked terrible.
Lance knocked on the screen door. “Open it up!”
“Go home. I’m not in the mood today.”
I noticed how his voice didn’t sound right. His words were slurred.
“You need to let me in. You don’t need to hide in your house and get tanked all day. Open it up!”
He didn’t bother to look in our direction and I was suddenly unable to speak. Had I really done this to him?
“Go home!” he yelled again, but Lance looked back at me and shook his head.
“Not a chance. Someone’s here to see you.”
“You can tell them to go the hell home too. Actually, you can just tell them to go to hell. People suck- especially the kind of people that break your heart and throw in the towel. Wanna know why? Cause you’re just trash they can live without. Don’t trust anyone. They’ll just crush you.”
My heart fell apart after he said it.
“Dude, shut up,” Lance suggested through gritted teeth. I wiped the tears that started to fall.
“It’s ok. We’re not ready for this,” I tried to say quietly. I headed down the steps. All I wanted was to be as far from his door as possible. I wanted to destroy what I had just seen and heard. I heard the screen door bust open behind me.
“Meg, Wait!” Jake yelled. I didn’t stop walking. “Meg, please!” The ache in his voice was too much. I knew I had set us back a million steps.
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