I balled my shaking hands into fists and dug them deep into my coat pockets. “You were never, ever trash to me.” I said- not knowing if he could hear me. Then I made my feet move, even though my knees wanted to give out.
“Please, Meg. Look at me.” That would have been my undoing so I kept going, even though every part of me wanted to turn and run to him. “Fine! Screw you! Just keep walking. You’re great at walking away!” he yelled at me. I flinched at his words, but I didn’t look back.
He wasn’t at school the next day. Lance found me as I walked in. He offered a million apologies and I told him he did the right thing. He was just trying to help his best friend.
“He’s the responsible one,” he explained. “I’m the jack ass that gets in trouble all the time. Jake is always the levelheaded one. I have never seen him like this.”
“Lance, the weight of guilt is pretty unbearable. He’s not the only one hurting,” I reminded him.
“Yeah. I’m sorry. Not very thoughtful of me.”
“He’s lucky he has you. You’re a good friend. I have to get to class.”
“Yeah, me too. Catch ya later,” he said as he walked away.
I had another day of not learning much. Trying not to think about Jake was only making it worse. Betsy and Mark didn’t ask at work. They could see it still hurt too much to talk about. He didn’t show up at school for the rest of the week, and it was almost impossible to ignore the worry that was going on in my mind.
On Sunday, I picked my phone up to text him at least ten times. But I couldn’t build up the nerve. I did the only other thing I could. I sent a text to Lance to make sure Jake was ok. He assured me that Jake was fine, but the same, and that was enough for me. The next day at school, I almost walked into him.
20
He stood at the entrance with his hands in the pockets of his hoodie. His eyes were covered with black Wayfarers and his hair was hanging in his face. He spoke before I could get away. “Let me talk to you.” It was a quiet yet angry demand. I swallowed hard, feeling the lump in my throat start to form. “Please.” His voice cracked when he said it.
I looked around for a spot that wasn’t crowded. We both went over to a corner next to the stairs.
“Why did you come to my house the other day?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Yeah, it kinda does,” he shot back with sarcasm in his voice.
“I came because I was worried about you,” I whispered.
“Why else?”
“What do you mean? Isn’t that enough of a reason?”
“Why else?” His jaw was tight as he asked again.
“Don’t do this.”
“Because you’re miserable? Because you feel terrible like I do? Is it really worth it?”
“Please,” I whispered.
“I’m sorry I was a jerk and you saw me like that. I was at my lowest, and I’m not proud of it, but please tell me if you came over because you miss me as much as I miss you.” The harshness in his tone was replaced with an ache. I made myself meet his eyes.
“I did, and I do, but I also realized it was a mistake.” I tried to keep my voice steady.
“So this is still what you want? For us to be apart and pretend we don’t mean anything to each other?”
“I couldn’t pretend that if I tried.” He did something that shocked me after that. He walked away without a word. I was left standing there, confused at how our conversation ended. When I looked over to where some other students were standing, I spotted Logan. He looked around then walked over to me.
“What the hell was that all about? Are you ok?” He asked.
“I’m fine,” I lied.
“His face was intense. Did you guys have a fight?”
“No, we broke up...a while ago.”
“I’m sorry. Do you need to talk?” I shook my head no. I didn’t want to explain this to anyone. “I’ll walk you to class.”
For whatever reason, I let him. I wasn’t sure I’d make it that far if I tried on my own.
When I walked into English class later that day, Jake was already seated. His sunglasses were off and I could see the dark rings under his eyes. They matched the ones under my own eyes. He didn’t look up at me as I walked past him and to the back. I tried not to stare at the back of his head the whole time, but it was impossible.
As soon as the bell rang, I raced out of the door. I needed to be as far from him as possible. Now that I could see how much it hurt for us to be apart, I knew I had done the right thing. We’d only get closer and it would only hurt more if we went on.
I found my spot at lunch but I wasn’t alone for long. Logan sat beside me and didn’t waste any time asking questions.
“What happened with you and Jake?”
I sighed and leaned against the tree behind me. “I’m leaving at the end of the school year. My parents want to put the past behind us and start over. Ironic, huh?” When I looked at him for his answer, I got something else instead. His face had changed and I could tell his mind was far away.
“You can’t leave,” he whispered.
“I don’t have much of a choice.”
“I have to get to class,” he stammered as he got up. I watched him with confusion, but I didn’t stop him. I spent the rest of my lunch hour alone, and as much as I had been alone in the past, I realized I didn’t like it.
After a few weeks, I was able to get some of my focus back. We were approaching spring break and I had a lot of extra work to do if I wanted to pull my grades back up to where they needed to be. Jake was at school more often, but he didn’t give me the time of day. He wouldn’t look in my direction, so I avoided looking at him at all.
Logan was almost the same. He hadn’t spoken to me since that day at lunch, and I noticed he wasn’t with Blaine much either. I had asked Mark and Betsy if I could cut back on my work hours to focus on school, and they had agreed. I locked myself in my bedroom when I got home and studied as much as I could. I couldn’t get used to the idea of my parents acting like parents, so I was happy to hide away in my room and avoid them when possible.
Nothing about not being with Jake had gotten easier. I walked around with the guilt of hurting him heavy on my shoulders. I was ready for a break from the awkward days. It was finally the day before Spring Break, and I would get my much needed break. The only downside would be spending more time at home. At the end of the day I headed to my locker to get everything I would need for the week. I pulled my folders out and a folded piece of paper drifted out and fell to the ground. I knew the handwriting as soon as I opened it.
You’re still the in my heart, no matter what it looks like from the outside.
I understand what you’re doing, and why you need to do it.
I’m not angry. Please know I love you, no matter what.
I started crying right there in the hall, and thankfully it was pretty empty. It hurt so much to be without him, but I was so glad to know he wasn’t mad or bitter. A tiny bit of a burden had been lifted, and I felt like I could breathe just a fraction easier. I stuffed the note in my bag and wiped my eyes with my hands. I looked around the hall to see if he was near, but I was alone.
I avoided my parents and spent two hours in my room studying. The sound of a text message was a welcome distraction. It was Logan.
Please come out. So bored.
Studying. Sorry!
Study tomorrow. Coffee tonight.
I sighed before I typed in my response.
Fine. Just for an hour.
Twenty minutes later I was meeting him in the parking lot of the coffee shop. Mark and Betsy both looked surprised when we walked in together, and I hoped that they hadn’t jumped to any conclusions.
“Don’t worry. This isn’t a rebound thing,” I said under my breath.
“I didn’t think it was,” Betsy replied with a raised eyebrow, clearly annoyed at my accusation. “Go talk to your friend. Mark and I don’t assume, nor judge.”
I smiled
sheepishly and took my drink. “Thank you.”
Logan was leaning against the couch cushion and looked exhausted. He didn’t waste any time when I sat down.
“My parents hate me,” he groaned.
“I doubt that. What’s going on?”
“Well,” he said, sitting up a little. “I tried to talk them about school.”
“Oh wow. How did that go?”
“Not well. If it’s not the military, then I am on my own. School is expensive.” He sounded defeated.
“That’s not all bad news. There are tons of grants and loans. Even some scholarships you can apply for.” I tried to sound encouraging.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” He gave me a halfhearted smile. “In other news, Blaine and I are done. Like done, done.”
“Why? What happened?”
“My drama is too much for her. She likes perfection.”
“Her loss.”
“Damn,” he almost whispered as he stared at me.
“What?”
“I really wish I could go back and reclaim all those years we lost. I feel like I missed out on a lot.” He reached for my hand and squeezed it. I knew it was a gesture of friendship and nothing more, so I squeezed back.
“We have right now.” When he smiled I could see the same spark the little kid version of Logan had in his eye.
“You can’t leave, Eggy.” His eyes went dark again.
“I don’t have much of a choice.” I shrugged my shoulders to punctuate how I felt.
“Well, it sucks.” He flopped back against the cushions and groaned.
“I have to get home,” I said as I stood up. “Will you be ok?”
“Will you?” he countered. I nodded yes and made my way out. I hoped we’d both be ok, but I wasn’t sure.
21
Spring break had been too quiet. Mark and Betsy had given me the week off in hopes that I would do something fun, but my days were pretty much spent alone. By Tuesday I had cabin fever. I picked up my phone and almost dialed Jake’s number at least a hundred times, but would always end up chickening out. I longed to hear his voice, but that would be more bad than good for me.
I decided to head out to the bookstore and grabbed my phone and keys. When I glanced at my phone I saw a text I had missed from Logan. It was vague.
Do you think there is really a Heaven?
I wondered at the odd question.
Don’t know. I hope so. Why?
He never responded and I pushed it aside. I spent my afternoon at the bookstore then decided to go clothes shopping. The weather was getting warmer and I needed a few new things for spring. I also needed a way to kill time.
I heard my phone chime again when I got home. It was another vague text from Logan.
I have to wonder if there is a purpose to all of this.
All of this what?
Living, dying, hurting?
I called him this time. He answered on the first ring. “What’s with all the weird questions?”
“Just trying to figure out the meaning of life Eggy- if there is one.” He sounded wasted.
“Drinking isn’t going to solve anything.”
“You’re right. I feel just as miserable and confused as when I’m sober.”
“Is this how you have been spending Spring Break so far?” I couldn’t hide the sarcasm in my voice.
“Maybe. I gotta go Eggy. I’ll talk to you soon.” He hung up, not giving me a chance to say anything else. I kept my phone in my hand, fighting the temptation to call Jake just to hear his voice, but I didn’t have to fight for long. My phone rang, making me jump. It was Mark.
“Betsy has the flu. Can you fill in? I’m swamped!” He sounded desperate.
“Of course. I’ll be right there.”
I threw on my apron and hopped in my car, thankful for the distraction. He wasn’t kidding about being swamped. The coffee shop was full. I shot Mark a questioning look as soon as I saw him.
“Scrap booking convention at the hotel next door,” he answered, not missing a beat. I got behind the counter and started cranking out drinks as fast as he could call them out. When our rush finally ended we both leaned against the counter. “Who am I going to call in a panic when you leave?” I smiled at him, feeling a little sad at the thought of going. “Think your parents would let us adopt you?” He laughed and swatted me with a towel.
“I wish,” I said with a roll of my eyes. We both took a look around at all of the full tables and couches. There were women scattered all over the shop comparing card stock and stickers.
“So have you broken down and called him?”
I shook my head no. “It’s been tempting. It’s easier this way.”
“From the look on your face I’d say not much easier.”
He was right. I picked my phone up, ready to give into temptation once again, but there was another missed text from Logan.
None of this is worth it.
Worth what?
He didn’t answer. Something about the text gave me chills. I wanted to go check on him, but I looked around the shop and the huge mess the crowd had created. I couldn’t really leave Mark to clean this alone. I figured I was reading too much into his text anyway, and got to work cleaning up.
As soon as we were done and locking up I called Logan. I sat in my car and waited for him to pick up.
“I’m so stupid, Eggy,” was how he greeted me. I knew right away that he had been drinking again.
“Stop this. You have a serious problem and I think you need help.”
“Ha,” he laughed bitterly. “You sound like my mom.”
“Well, she’s right. I care about you, Logan. You need to take care of yourself.”
“You care about me? Even though I was a complete dick to you for years?” His voice had turned angry, but I knew it wasn’t directed at me.
I took a deep breath before I spoke. “Logan, you are my childhood. Of course I care about you.”
“I lost him, and I was so...angry. I thought you would go away too. I thought it would hurt less if I didn’t know you anymore.”
“No one tells you how to grieve. We all did the best we could.” The truth was that I pulled away from the world for the same reason. Caring about people meant that you’d get hurt. It was easier to be alone. This is a weird conversation to have on the phone. Can I pick you up?”
He didn’t answer right away. “Yeah. I’ll be out front.”
He got in as soon as I pulled up, but we didn’t go anywhere. I watched him as he stared out of the window at the dark sky. “Everything is going to change and I can’t control it,” he said, sounding exhausted.
“That’s life, Logan. Things change and we need to evolve too.”
“I guess so. I don’t want to die with regret, or the ‘what if’s.”
“Well, tomorrow is never a guarantee. We both know that all to well, but I don’t think you’re going anywhere anytime soon.”
I could see a grin pull up the corner of his mouth. It wasn’t a friendly grin. It was a bitter one. “I love you, Eggy.” He didn’t look at me when he said it and before I could respond he stopped me. “Don’t! Just let me talk. I love you. I’m stupid for pushing that feeling down and hiding it, but it always crept back up. My heart stops a little every time I see you. It should have been me spending these last few weeks with you, and not Jake. I blew it.”
I blinked back tears as I waited for him to go on, but he didn’t say anything else, and I didn’t know what to say either. “Why are you telling me this now?”
He finally looked at me. “No regrets, remember?”
I swallowed hard, fighting the lump in my throat. I was careful with what I said next. “I think we have both been exactly what we needed to be to each other.”
“Strangers?” He sounded frustrated.
“That’s not what I meant. If I hadn’t known you were out there, I don’t know if I could have survived when Noah died. We didn’t talk, but you were like my beacon. If I saw yo
u I’d always remember something good.”
The space between his eyebrows creased and before I could react, he kissed me. It was forced and awkward, and I was pushing him away as soon as it started. He leaned back against the seat and groaned in frustration.
“So you don’t feel the same way.”
“Logan, I love you so much, but not like that. I’m sorry. My heart is still breaking over someone else, and life is so complicated right now.” I saw him wipe his eyes and immediately felt terrible. “Please try to understand,” I pleaded.
He regained a little composure before he spoke again. “I do, and I’m sorry I unloaded on you. My parents won’t let me drive right now due to my ‘reckless behavior’,” he said with air quotes. “Do you think we could hang out tomorrow? I need to get out of here.”
“Yeah, I’ll text you when I’m on my way.”
He got out of my car and gave me a sad wave goodbye as he walked back to his front door.
22
The next day I mentally debated whether or not hanging out with him was a good idea. I procrastinated as I got ready, but seeing my parents at the kitchen table made getting out of the house seem like a good plan. Even though I picked up my phone to text Logan, the urge to call Jake was almost unstoppable, but I didn’t. I sent my text and drove to Jake’s. He was waiting outside for me when I got there.
“Where to, Sir?” I asked, hoping to keep the mood light. The look on his face was anything but.
“Would you mind if we went to the ravine?” I didn’t answer. I just drove. He didn’t get out right away once we got there. Instead he rubbed his hands on his jeans and tried to steady his breathing, which was shallow.
“What’s wrong?” He didn’t answer. He just got out of the car and looked down at the stream that was no longer trapped with ice. Spring had turned everything green and it was beautiful.
“Can I use your phone?” he asked without looking at me.
“Sure,” I said as I handed it to him, but he did something that caught me completely off guard. He tossed my phone into the stream. “What the hell did you do that for? I can’t afford another one!” I screamed, but he didn’t even flinch. My phone had already floated away.
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