Perfectly Toxic (The Sterling Shore Series Book 9)

by C. M. Owens

  But the hurt expression on Ethan’s face is what has my heart breaking. My non-response has said too much.

  “How long?” he asks quietly, then clears his throat. “How long have you known?”

  “Angel,” I say, forcing a smile as I look over at her. “Can you give me a second to talk to Ethan?”

  “But he’s an asshole,” she says so sweetly.

  Any other time, I’d laugh. Not right now though.

  “Please,” I say again, but she knows it’s not a question.

  It’s the tone of my voice that has her immediately jumping up and heading to her room. I wait until I hear the door close before I face Ethan again.

  “The week I went silent is the week I found out. It wasn’t Allie’s pregnancy tests the girls found. It was mine.”

  He slowly closes his eyes, his entire body tensing as his jaw tics.

  “You should know, this is all my fault,” I add in a rasp, guilty tone. “I was irresponsible. I forgot my shot… My birth control shot. This is on me, so I understand it if you hate me. I also don’t want anything from you—financially. I can support the baby on my own, and I won’t take anything.”

  He doesn’t speak out to deny he hates me. His entire body is so tense that I’m worried he’ll snap if he tries to move.

  “And the night you showed up at the party? Were you really coming to tell me you loved me or that you were pregnant?” he asks as his eyes open again and train their unreadable gaze on me.

  Apparently he doesn’t feel like addressing the birth control situation just this moment. Or the fact I will refuse child support.

  No way can I ever take a dollar from him.

  “I was coming to tell you I loved you. I didn’t want to crush your dreams of a carefree future until I told you that at least.”

  He scrubs his face with his hands, and he turns his back to me again. It’s a lot to process. I needed exactly seven days to get all my emotions under control.

  I start to walk away to give him space, because staring at him will have me in tears. He doesn’t deserve to deal with my emotional train wreck right now.

  “So the night I lashed out, you were coming to tell me you loved me, and to possibly admit you’re carrying my child.”

  It doesn’t sound like a question, so I don’t respond. I stay frozen in place, halfway to Angel’s room, uncertainty keeping me where I am.

  “And I made you think I was fucking Star,” he goes on.

  He sounds so calm, as though he’s talking aloud about the weather. Suddenly, he stands, and I screech when he slams his fist into the wall, punching a hole through the plaster.

  He presses his forehead against the wall as he pulls his bloody fist out, and tears gather in my eyes. Obviously the calm is just on the surface, because he’s explosive on the inside right now.

  “I should look at your hand. It’s—”

  “It’s fine. Tell Wren I’ll fix his wall when I fix the rest of this. I… I need a minute. Answer when I call,” he says, sounding so calm again despite the storm I know is going on inside of him.

  “I will,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper as I back against the wall behind me.

  He keeps his back to me. “I mean it, Bella. Answer when I call, because I will be calling.”

  He knows about our child, so there’s no longer any use in living in denial about us… About what we might be. The illusion has been irrevocably shattered, and the reality has been painted clearly in its place.

  He punched a hole through the wall instead of scooping me into his arms.

  That hope we’d be a happily-ever-after family is now gone. Just as I knew it would be. It’s time to face the grim truth of my situation, even if I’m not ready to let go of the dream.

  “Bella,” he says harshly, reminding me I’m supposed to speak, even though he won’t face me.

  “I promise.”

  Those words are the magic ones, because he turns and walks out without ever glancing in my direction again.

  I slide down the wall I’m against until I’m sitting on the floor and staring at the hole Ethan left behind.

  That hole is symbolic, since it feels like my heart has one the same size made by the same person.

  Maybe one day we can be friends. Being friends is better than being enemies when you have a child together.

  Maybe one day he’ll stop hating me enough to get to that place.

  Chapter 66

  ETHAN

  I didn’t sleep. I also didn’t call anyone.

  I doubt any of the guys knew, but I’ll bet most of the women did.

  I shouldn’t have punched Wren’s wall or lost my temper. It’s obvious Bella already thinks I’m shitty father material, considering the obvious. I can’t be pissed at her, because she’s carrying my baby and there’s no way in hell I can take my anger out on her while she’s pregnant. But I can fucking be pissed at everyone else.

  My baby.

  It doesn’t seem real. But it is.

  Showing up unannounced is a specialty of mine, so Tag doesn’t bat an eye when I walk into his house without warning.

  “You okay?” he asks, apparently in the know now. “Need a drink?”

  “No. No drinking. Why’s everyone here?”

  I saw all the cars outside, but haven’t question it until now.

  “Heard about what you were going through, so… Yeah. We were trying to figure out the best way to help you through it.”

  Of course they were. They wouldn’t be friends if they weren’t planning to meddle. I’d be pissed, if I hadn’t once done the same thing with Rye and Brin.

  But this is different than that. Everyone just keeps underestimating me. It’s getting old.

  Allie and Wren are here, along with Ruby and Corbin. Rye and Brin are also here, but I don’t notice them until I make it all the way into the living room.

  “Hey, man,” Wren says, standing slowly as he watches me with wary eyes.

  “Are you okay?” Rye asks. “I swear we—the guys—didn’t know.”

  “But the women did,” I say, looking at Brin like she’s betrayed me. I actually thought she and I were cooler than that.

  Guess not.

  She looks away guiltily.

  “Don’t do that. It was a difficult position for her. She’s close to Bella,” Rye says, stepping in front of Brin like he’s shielding her from me.

  “No one thought I’d make a good dad so I didn’t deserve to know. I get it. It’s cool. Not one bit hurt by it,” I state dryly. “I just came to talk to Tag, and then I’m going.”

  “Actually,” Ruby says, looking at me like she wants to take a swing. “All the women had an intervention with Bella on your behalf. Rain even told her you’d be a good father. So stop judging us by assuming we’re judging you.”

  That hurts even worse. Everyone begged her to tell me, and she still didn’t. I had to figure it out with a fucking kid.

  “I’m barely holding it together right now, so please stop hitting below the belt. It would be best if I thought you guys were the problem instead of her. Knowing the mother of my child hates me that much—”

  “She loves you,” Allie interrupts angrily. “She loves you and defends you, and never once did she think you wouldn’t be a good father. In fact, she told me you’d be there, give up absolutely everything for your kid. Her entire decision hinged on how much you’ve preached about your freedom and how you want to party like a teenager. She didn’t want to take that away from you, after you’ve made it clear that’s the most important thing in your life, since you were robbed if it and all. Never mind the fact that most people in the world are skipping that part of life… Because that’s just life.”

  My knees wobble, and I drop to a chair behind me to keep from falling.

  Wren pats Allie’s hand, trying to calm her down, and she gets up and walks away like she can’t sit in the same room as me.

  “You know,” she says when she gets to the door, not facing me. “W
hen we had that intervention, I thought Bella would never tell you… I thought she’d never take away that special freedom from you because of how much you love it. But honestly, I think she was just hoping you’d tell her you loved her before she confessed. She’s just too prideful to ever admit that aloud. God forbid you fall in love, want a family, and not have your weekends free to party.”

  With that, she walks out, slamming the door behind her.

  “I guess she hates me,” I mumble, groaning as I lean back.

  “Bella’s her family—her only family before me,” Wren says, trying to softly defend his fiancée.

  No defense needed. I get it. I sound like a petulant teen, because I really did drill it home about wanting to party. But that’s why I came here today… To fix shit.

  Bella won’t listen to a thing I say. Actions have always been the way to get through to her.

  “Kind of hard for you to give her a confession of love if she’s ignoring you,” Rye says. At least one person is defending me.

  No one says anything, but Brin glares at Rye.

  “What? It is.” He shrugs.

  “You don’t even know that he loves her,” Brin tells him.

  “You don’t know that he doesn’t,” he points out.

  Great. Now I’ve sparked an argument between them, and they never have a real argument.

  “Some guys just struggle to admit they’re in love, and some don’t really fall in love. Sometimes you think they’re in love with you, only to figure out you might have been kidding yourself.”

  “Clearly he loves her. He’s not the same as he was when he first got home,” Rye goes on.

  “Did he freak out when he found out she was pregnant? Did he thank God thirty times when he found out she wasn’t? Would he have left her if she really had been pregnant?” Brin asks heatedly.

  Now they’re no longer arguing about me.

  Shit.

  Uncomfortable silence grows, and Brin stands up as tears waver on her eyelids. Rye looks completely caught off guard as he jumps to his feet.

  “Brin, I—”

  “Don’t worry about it. I knew kids were a possible no-go. I just never expected you to push me away at the thought of it. For some reason, I thought you loved me enough to stick with me through absolutely anything, no matter how scared you were.”

  She turns and walks out, and Rye casts a helpless look at me. “Damn you,” he groans before chasing after her.

  “That wasn’t my fault,” I point out as I stand up. “I need you to come with me,” I add, staring at Tag.

  “Why?” he asks curiously.

  “Because you’re the only one of us who has ever had a baby.”

  “Hello…” Wren drawls, waving a hand at me.

  “And been there for the actual baby stuff.”

  Wren’s face falls, but I don’t have time to stir up more shit right now. We all have our own problems.

  Tag follows me without further debate, and I watch with envy as he kisses Ash and his baby before grabbing up his son, slapping a kiss on the boy’s cheek that has him giggling.

  “Where are we going?” he asks.

  I toss my keys to him. “Wherever we need to. You’re driving.”

  ***

  I’m a little worried about all the baby safety shit they have on this aisle. Plastic covers for outlets? What is a baby going to do with an electrical outlet?

  Shuddering, I grab a handful of them, then I grab about fifty more, just to be on the safe side. It’s not like I know the exact amount of outlets in my home.

  “It’s actually safer to use bandages over them,” some girl says as she walks over. “If one gets loose, the baby could choke on the plastic cover.”

  Shit. Now I need safety advice on the safety things? Not good. Not good at all.

  “Must be a lucky… sister?” she asks, eyeing my ring finger before finishing.

  “Girlfriend,” I tell her, omitting the ex portion of that, because I refuse to think Bella is really done with me.

  “Well, lucky girl indeed,” she says with a long sigh before walking away. Hell, I couldn’t even tell you what she looked like.

  I resume looking for everything that says safety on it, then read if the safety device can become a safety hazard on my phone before tossing it in the shopping cart.

  Bottles… Do I need bottles? Will Bella breastfeed?

  I text her, even though I’m not sure if she’ll respond.

  ME: Will you breastfeed?

  It’s the first time I’ve tried to contact her since I found out she’s pregnant. Not sure that’s the most appropriate icebreaker, but I’m trying to get to the “proving it” part under control before actually having THE conversation.

  When my phone buzzes, relief fills my chest. I half expected her to ignore me, just as she’s done for weeks now.

  BELLA: Yes.

  I leave it at that, and I buy a bunch of weird shit for nursing. Basically, if it says nursing on it, it gets tossed in the cart. Then I move on to bibs. Bibs? “Do newborn babies need bibs?” I ask a guy who is grabbing a few things across from me.

  “I have no clue. If you find out, let me know.”

  Where the hell are all the women? I see numerous guys shopping, but no women.

  Annoyed, I grab my phone and text Tag.

  ME: Where the fuck are you?

  BELLA: At home.

  Ah fuck. Wrong person. I forgot I just sent her a text.

  ME: That was meant for Tag. Not you. Sorry.

  BELLA: Ok.

  Well, at least I know she’s back at her house now, since she said she was home. I wish I didn’t know that, because now the temptation is killing me.

  ME: Where the fuck are you?

  This time I double check to make sure I’ve sent it to the right person.

  TAG: Upstairs getting shit you’re going to need.

  ME: Do I need bibs?

  TAG: Lots of them. And those little towels that you need over your shoulder to burp the baby. They spit up, and it’s not fun. Trust me.

  The fucking hell? There’s a special towel for special things? And you have to burp them?

  Tag thought it would be quicker to divide and conquer, but I can’t figure out any damn thing. How can something so small have a massive store devoted to just their tiny little needs?

  I’m in way over my head here.

  I grab a damn book. Then another. Then another.

  All of them are essentially how-to guides, and I’ll be reading up. I still have months before the baby gets here.

  My baby.

  I keep saying it over and over, and each time, it’s scarier. But it’s also just as… exciting? I’m not sure if exciting is the most accurate word.

  No!! Oh shit. Why am I shopping with Tag when I know the perfect person for this?

  ME: Get what you’ve got and check out. I’ll meet you at the car.

  TAG: Good. I have no idea what I’m doing. Ash’s parents and Melanie did all the shopping.

  ME: Just get the essentials. Crib and shit.

  TAG: Got it covered.

  ***

  Mom walks into my house, and she forces a smile at me as I lean against a wall with my hands in my pockets.

  “Are you and Bella back together?” she asks me.

  How does she even know we’re apart?

  “Not yet,” I tell her instead of asking how she knows. “I need your help with something that might aide in me getting her back though.”

  “Of course,” she says without hesitation.

  I push off from the wall, and I gesture with my head for her to follow me into the empty room I spent the night before clearing out. It was a guestroom, since it’s the second largest room in the house.

  “What’s this?” Mom asks, confused.

  “It’s going to be a nursery.”

  Her eyebrows shoot up, and I keep my expression stoic.

  “Bella’s pregnant,” I explain.

  Her breath catches in her th
roat as she fans herself.

  “Not planned, I assume, since you two broke up. How is she taking it?”

  She’s not having the reaction I expected. She looks more worried than excited right now.

  “She’s… I honestly don’t know. In order to get her back, I need to prove how serious I am about her and our baby. She’ll never believe I love her if I just say it, especially now. I mean, you have no idea how badly I fucked up.”

  Her eyes immediately water, and she swallows hard.

  “You love her?”

  Not sure why that’s so hard for people to believe. I’ve been obsessed with her since I met her, and I’ve gradually gotten in over my head without realizing it. Took me a while to realize that drowning sensation and need to see her all the time was love.

  It’s not the flowers and unicorns the greeting cards paint it to be.

  No. Love is a consuming, unrelenting beast that bitch slaps you in the middle of the night like a rude awakening during a dream. It devours you whole, and it leaves you wrecked when it starts to slip through your fingers.

  “Yeah. I love her,” I say, trying not to let her focus on that part and break out that damn wedding book again. “But if I want her back, I need your help. Can you turn this room into a perfect nursery and help me baby-proof my house?”

  She holds up a hand, more tears in her eyes. Then she walks away. I listen and start counting down when the door to the backyard shuts.

  Five.

  Four.

  Three.

  Two.

  On—

  Loud, celebratory squeals cut off the final number in my head, and my lips twitch as I poke my head around the side to see my mother in my backyard through the window. She’s dancing. She’s really fucking dancing right now.

  Oh for fuck’s sake. Is that the electric slide?

  She fist pumps the air and jumps up and down after that, then does some weird chest shaking thing toward the sky that will forever give me nightmares.