Not Enough To Live By

by Thompson, Gregory M.

  “You know, David. You know what she wanted. It wasn't this.” I pressed the gun harder against her head. She accepted it but flinched. “We had talked on a few occasions, and she convinced me, David. She convinced me the life she was living wasn't how she wanted to live. If I didn't have Ryan, I would do what she did. I'd find someone to help me.”

  “But you killed her...” I started to cry.

  “She told me to tell you something. She wanted the last thing she said to make you know she loved you with everything she ever had to give. Do you want to hear it?”

  I nodded and lowered my head, tears hitting the floor like cannonballs on a battlefield.

  Lucy said, “She said that no matter where you go, you always look for the pizza whether it has anchovies or not.”

  The gun fell from hand, and I pulled away from Lucy. I dropped to my knees next to Nadine's chair and cried into the armrest.

  Lucy patted my shoulder. “She told me what she asked of you earlier. I can't make you do anything, but if you'll allow it, Ryan and I would be happy to go with you to Rend City.” She picked up her gun. “I'm going to give you some time. My son and I will be in our house whatever you decide.”

  I heard the door shut behind me. I shifted around to the front of the chair and picked up Nadine's lifeless hands. I squeezed them. Some warmth came from her fingers, but that would soon fade.

  My gorgeous, endearing Nadine. I had never wanted it to turn out like this. I thought she'd want to stay alive for me, just as I wanted to stay alive for her. Had I read her wrong? Or had she tricked me in her Nadine way and I just fell for it? No, Nadine wouldn't willingly try to talk me into something I didn't want to do. Couldn't do. I wasn't sure I'd ever understand her motivation to die. The world out there was livable. It was hard, but livable.

  I eased her head back to an upright position and wiped blood away from her eyes. I shut her eyelids and got a blanket from the couch. Her favorite blanket. All the blankets were here favorite when she was covered in them, so the one I chose for her was the thickest one. When winter came, I wanted her safe and cozy from the elements.

  With Nadine covered, I proceed to pack the things needed for the upcoming trip.

  I had promised my wife I'd let Lucy and Ryan tag along. I didn't really want to, but I was sure Nadine was up in heaven ready to reprimand me the moment she saw I wasn't going to take them. And when Nadine reprimanded me, I felt the effects of guilt for days to come. I smiled.

  It was easier to keep the promise.

  Ten minutes later, with my backpack slung over my shoulder, I found myself at Lucy's home. She let me in, called for Ryan to come downstairs, and handed me two handguns and an armband to fit a smaller gun. She gave me a gun belt to hold ammunition and a duffel bag to carry.

  Ryan came downstairs with whatever possessions he was taking with him, along with a pistol and large knife strapped to his thigh.

  We stood at the front door, and as I was about to open it, Lucy tapped me on the shoulder. I looked back and she wordlessly handed me an envelope. In Nadine's flourish script were the words I knew you'd make the right decision... Inside is what might help you understand.

  “We should get outside of town before dark,” Lucy said.

  I nodded, and we headed outside, making our way through the streets without trouble until we hit the edge of town. Another five miles, when the sun was ready to say goodbye for the day, we decided to camp for the night. We built a fire in a hole in the ground and covered it so the flames wouldn't give off too much light.

  “I'll take first watch,” I said.

  “I'll take second,” Ryan said.

  “Change every two and a half hours,” Lucy said.

  They settled down on the ground and were soon asleep. I removed the envelope from my pocket, opened it, and pulled out Nadine's letter. By the glow of the fire, I read it:

  Dear David,

  I am sorry I can't be with you anymore. I know you will never understand what I have done. I know you will never agree with it. If you need to hate me, I get it. Maybe you need to hate me; it will help you move on.

  I am so tired. This world has taken so much from me. So many people I love are gone. I can't take it anymore. I am dead inside.

  I can't breathe anymore. I see them everywhere, and I hear them everywhere. I can't shut them out! Do you know I prayed every night to die? I asked God to take my life every night. I wanted to leave this world; I wanted to die. The only thing that kept me tethered to this world was you. But I was even killing you. I know you would have done anything and everything for me. You have even had to kill and hurt people for me. I was making you a person that you are not. I couldn't forgive myself for that. I just wished you would have done the thing I really wanted. I wanted to leave! To just let me die! I know you would have done anything for me, even sacrifice yourself for me, and that I couldn't and would not let you do. I couldn't bear another loss.

  I am sorry! I couldn't face what was beyond that door...but we needed to leave to live. I was too afraid to leave, but I knew we needed to and it was time. So, we will leave, just not together.

  Please forgive me. I hope God forgives me. I am sure He understands. I pray he watches over you and keeps you safe.

  David, my love You did not fail. You did not fail me or us. I did. Hate me, be disappointed in me, but don't you dare turn it on you. I just wasn't strong enough. I was too timid to live.

  I know you will move heaven and earth for me, so do one more thing for me: LIVE. SURVIVE. THRIVE. Have an amazing life! Please, please go on! If you have another chance, love again.

  Know that you are my heart, and I will be waiting for you. Kick some zombie ass for me. Whatever strength and love I have in me I am sending to you.

  Remember: LIVE. SURVIVE. THRIVE!

  I will love you forever,

  Nadine

  If my face was over the campfire, my tears would have put out the flames. I understood more than I did before. I wasn't sure I'd ever completely understand, but I could move on much better now.

  LIVE. SURVIVE. THRIVE.

  Another one of her damn promises, but I had proof in my hands she meant me no harm in doing what she did.

  I looked up to the sky, to Heaven. To her, she was in a better world than this, and I could never hate her or be disappointed in her for finding a happier place.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Gregory M. Thompson is a science fiction/fantasy/horror writer with publishing credits in Aphelion Webzine, Concisely, Dark Gothic Resurrected, Midwest Literary Review, The Fringe Magazine, and more. He has pieces in various anthologies, including Steampunk Anthology (story was nominated for an award), and Welcome to Hell, a western-horror anthology edited by Eric S. Brown. Other novels include Nightcry, The Golden Door, Horde, Indiscriminate, and My Only One. He has 2 comic shorts appearing in 2 horror comic anthologies 2018. In April 2016, he ran a successful Kickstarter to fund his one-shot horror comic, Lilacs. When he’s not bleeding his words on the page, he enjoys football, playing horror board games, and bicycling. He lives in Illinois with his wife and two boys.

  Website: http://www.nightcrynovel.com

  Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/gregorymthomp

  Twitter: @Gregorythompson

  Also by

  Gregory M. Thompson

  Nightcry

  The Golden Door

  Horde Trilogy

  Indiscriminate

  My Only One

  Grandmother

  Lilacs (comic)

  Althea and Other Poems (poetry)

  Titles available as print and eBooks at major book retailers online and with physical stores.

 

 

 
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