by Kyra Lennon
“Are you okay?” I looked up at Jason and he nodded.
“I think so. Let’s get back.”
It was only a short walk back to the bus, and once inside, we sat beside each other in the small communal area, relieved to finally be away from Jason’s temptation, for the time being, at least. He took deep breaths and I silently waited beside him until he calmed.
“I think you should call your sponsor,” I said.
“It’s three in the morning, Luce.”
“Well, if you can’t call when you need him, what’s the point?”
“I can call him, but I don’t want to unless I really need to.”
“You don’t think you need to?”
He shook his head. “It’s passed now. Almost.”
“So, if I go to bed and leave you alone, you won’t run back to the club? You’ll go to bed too, and you won’t be up all night thinking about it?”
He lowered his eyes. “I can’t promise that. I won’t go back to the club, but I’ll probably be thinking about it.”
“Call him, Jason. I’ll go to my bunk to give you some space, but I’m keeping the curtain open. If you try to get out of here, I swear to God I will chase you down and kick your ass.”
I wasn’t trying to trivialise the situation at all. It wasn’t something to joke about, but if I kept being so serious, I was worried I’d lose him to his thoughts. Plus, I really would have chased him if I needed to. He couldn’t get off the bus without passing my bunk and I had no intention of letting him get anywhere near the club again.
Jason smiled. “Fine. I’ll call him.” I gave him a firm nod, and as I started to walk away, Jason said, “You couldn’t kick my ass.”
The smirk on his face made me laugh, and I pointed down to my shoes. “In these heels? No problem.”
He’d relaxed a whole lot since we’d got onto the bus, and the banter seemed to calm him more. I gave him an encouraging smile then headed to my bunk.
In spite of what I’d said, I took off my heels and tucked them away before clambering into my bunk and flicking the light on. I was way too buzzed to fall asleep, but even if I had been tired, I’d have fought it off until the rest of the band got back. I knew they wouldn’t be much longer, and once they returned, we’d be leaving for Vienna.
A little ripple of happiness flowed through me at the thought of seeing Ellie. Although it had only been a few days, it felt like years since she’d waved us off. Funny how so much can happen in such a short space of time when you step out of your comfort zone. Several countries, foods, lifestyles, characters… the list of differences to life in the UK was endless.
I couldn’t wait to see my big sister, although I knew Drew was the main pull for her. I was just an added bonus. Since they got together, they’d never been apart for as long as they would be once we left Europe, and it would be rough on them both. Of course, they knew they had to get used to it, and Ellie would be able to go on some of the tours too but her work wouldn’t always allow for it. Sometimes she had commitments at home to fulfil, but her art made her just as happy as being with Drew. They were so lucky to have each other, and to have successful careers that added to the perfection of their life together.
It was twenty minutes before Jason came to my bunk, the harsh stress lines on his face now fully vanished, and an overall more relaxed vibe flowed from him. He tucked his phone into his back pocket. “Mind if I join you?”
I shook my head and shuffled over against the wall. The bunks weren’t really designed for two people, but two could just about fit if we lay on our sides. There was minimal room to turn over but it wasn’t impossible or uncomfortable. When Jason had climbed in beside me, I said, “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah. Alex said he was glad I called him, even if it is the middle of the night. He talked me down and I feel a lot better now.”
“Good.”
He took my hand in his, running his thumb across my knuckles. “I couldn’t have got through this without you, Lucy.”
My hand tingled where he touched. His strokes were so soft; in that moment he was a million miles from his dangerous, edgy onstage persona. I loved moments like this, when he let his guard right down. It had happened a few times since we’d been on the road and it allowed me to see the real Jason. The Jason I always thought was there.
“I didn’t really do much,” I said, staring down at our joined hands before looking back up at him.
“It probably doesn’t seem like much to you but when I feel the way I did at the club, it’s a big deal for anyone to be able to get through to me. I know I’m better than I used to be, and it’s a little easier, but if you hadn’t been there I could easily be off my face right now.”
“What…” I paused, unsure whether to ask the question. I’d always wondered but was too scared to ask.
His brow furrowed. “What, Luce?”
“What does it feel like? When you were outside the club, and you were panicking… how does it feel?”
“Scary,” he admitted, without hesitation. “It’s like being ripped into pieces and not knowing where all the bits will end up. Part of you knows the right thing to do. The other part wants to drag you back to the dark side. It tells you it’s good to score. That you need to score. That just one hit will be enough, and then you can stop again. And the part that knows that isn’t true screams at you not to do it. It knows better. But all you can really do is remember the feeling you get the first time. It was trying to chase that high that kept me going back. It’s never the same though. So when something sets off a trigger, I have to fight with myself. To remind myself all the reasons I can’t go back. Tonight I needed someone to help me. I couldn’t think clearly enough to call Alex. And that’s what’s scary. Being unable to get a clear grip on what’s real. On the right thing.”
His confession shot fear through me. Was it really that hard every single time? And if so, what if I hadn’t been there? What happens if I’m not there next time? Or the time after? Because this would never go away for him. Sure, time would help. It already had. But it wouldn’t ever be fully over. His whole life would be tainted by this, and being in the band would only make it more prominent.
“Doesn’t that just put you on edge a lot of the time? How do you handle it?”
He smiled. “I handle it by having good friends around me. I try to keep busy. It’s only really bad in situations like tonight, but I don’t want to avoid clubs and pubs just in case something happens. That would feel like letting it beat me. I try to live as normally as possible and deal with things as they come up.”
I nodded, but couldn’t shake off the anxiety that had settled inside me. Was this how Ellie had felt last year when she tried to stop him using? Was this how she and Drew, and Drew’s dad, and the rest of the band felt every day? I understood the realities of cocaine addiction, or I thought I had. But actually witnessing it? I had the image of Jason shaking outside the club permanently etched into my mind. I’d never forget it. It stored itself in my memory banks along with the memory of him acting shifty when I was still a schoolgirl, when I hadn’t fully understood what was happening, and the time I saw him in the hospital all wired up after his overdose the year before. These little snippets were parts of his world, and they frightened me.
“Luce. What are you thinking?” When I shook my head, refusing to look at him, he squeezed my hand. “Please.”
I slowly raised my head, and the concern in his eyes made me ache. Somewhere in the depths of those green eyes, he was asking me not to see him differently. Not to become one of those people who labelled him a cokehead and backed away. Not to become overbearing like Drew and Ellie.
“Jase. Tonight was weird for me. I’ve seen you at your best, and I’ve seen you at your worst. But when I saw you in the hospital, even knowing how serious that was, it wasn’t the same as seeing you craving.” His eyes lowered and he started to pull away, but I squeezed his fingers with mine, bringing his focus back to me. “Don’t go, because I ha
ven’t finished.”
He shook his head. “You don’t understand.”
“You’re right. I don’t. I don’t understand how any of this feels for you because even though you’ve told me, I’ve never been there. I’ll never fully understand. But I’ve known you my whole life. Not the same way as Ellie because I didn’t grow up with you, but that means I see you differently. No matter what happens, you’ll always be Jason from next door. The guy who always made me laugh, and always joined in with every game we played at family get togethers when everyone else was being boring. This… this addiction you have to live with… it’s part of you. As long as you’re willing to keep fighting it, I’m willing to stand beside you.”
“And if I slip?”
His question wasn’t fair, and we both knew it. But I didn’t think he meant it the way it sounded. After all, my last words could have been viewed as an ultimatum. In reality, we were feeling each other out, trying to find out if the friendship that had been growing between us stood a chance of surviving through any ups and downs that might come our way.
“I’ll pick you up.”
The moment was broken as the sound of the rest of the band clambering onto the bus made us pull away from each other. Our eyes were still locked though.
Mack and Joey said a brief goodnight as they passed but Drew stopped by my bunk. “Are you okay, Lucy?”
I nodded, giving him a small smile. “Much better now I’m away from the club. It was too hot and loud in there but Jason made sure I got back here safely.”
“Actually, I was just about to make us some tea,” Jason said, turning over to face Drew. “Do you want a cup?”
Drew nodded. “Please. I’ll give you a hand.”
Jason rolled out of my bunk, landing deftly on his feet. He smiled as he turned to me. “I’ll be right back.”
It was kind of a relief to be on my own for a while. That moment with Jason had set my heart and mind racing. It had been a weird day, and of all the things I’d imagined happening, it never occurred to me that having to help Jason deal with his cravings would bring us closer. It never occurred to me that I might have to help with his cravings. That was something I never wanted to see again, but I wasn’t naïve enough to think it wouldn’t happen again. If not on this tour, maybe on the next, or the one after.
I blew out a breath as the reality of what I was dealing with began to sink in. A sensible person would have been put off. Would have walked away to avoid the chance they might get hurt. I’d been sensible about my feelings for Jason. I’d been realistic and responsible and all the things many nineteen-year-olds wouldn’t have managed. But we were getting closer, and if the guys hadn’t walked in when they did, would something have happened? When Jason’s eyes were locked on mine, I thought for a second he might kiss me. And however un-sensible it would have been to let him, I would have. Everything I thought I felt for him had become more and more real with every conversation we’d had, whether serious or silly. He was someone I had the best of everything with. When we talked about the things we were passionate about, we connected, and when we teased each other, it somehow solidified our friendship because we could be open and easy with each other. I wasn’t naïve enough to think that Jason and I would get married, have children, and grow old together. That was a childish dream, and I wasn’t chasing a childish dream. I was chasing the chance to be with someone I’d been slowly falling in love with for the last year, wherever it might lead.
“Here you go, Luce.”
Jason’s voice stirred me from my thoughts, and I slid out of my bunk to take the cup of tea he offered me. “Thanks. Is Drew still up?”
“Yeah, he’s just gone to have a word with the driver. We’ll be moving off soon.”
I nodded, unsure what to do or say. I didn’t want to go to bed, but I also knew we couldn’t talk anymore about what had happened at the club while Drew was still awake. I looked into his eyes, hoping he could read me silently asking if he was okay. The smile he gave me was so soft, so sweet, my heart fluttered.
“I’m okay,” he mouthed.
I smiled back at him, but we both knew the conversation had to be over, at least for the time being.
“Goodnight, Lucy.”
“Night, Jason.”
He turned and headed to the back of the bus, and I sighed and leaned back against my bunk. It had been one of those nights. The kind you’re sure mean something, but you don’t know what yet.
“Where did Jason go?” Drew asked, and I looked up to see him heading towards me.
“He’s gone out the back.”
“Okay. Are you sure you’re alright?”
“Yeah. I’m fine. Tired. I’m just going to drink this and head to bed.” Drew eyed me for a moment, and to stop him asking awkward questions I said, “Are you ready for tomorrow?”
He smiled. “I am. I think.”
I gave his arm an encouraging squeeze. “You have nothing to worry about. You know that.”
“Only singing in front of a crowd and rejection.”
I laughed. “She won’t reject you, Drew. She loves you so much.”
“I love her too. And I can’t wait to ask her to be my wife.”
I gave him a one-armed hug so as not to spill my tea. “I can’t wait for us to really be related. We’ve been like family for so long, but now it’s going to actually happen.”
“Yup. There’s no getting away from us now. Well… you know, if it goes well.”
“Will you stop!” I gave him a playful slap. “This is going to go well.”
“Yeah, but you know what they say about people who make assumptions.”
I shook my head and sighed. “Nothing to assume. This is a done deal, Drew. And you know it.”
Chapter 7 – You’ve Never Been To My Man Cave
Sleep eluded me that night. The next day promised so many good things, but Jason was at the forefront of my mind. How would he cope with the rest of the tour if he was struggling already? And would he try to back away after getting so close to me? Distancing himself from people when he’d started to open up was one of his specialities and I didn’t want him to push me away. Not now.
As it turned out, Jason actually gravitated towards me and although we didn’t talk about what had happened, a kind of understanding hung between us. The things I’d said the night before had maybe made him see that I wasn’t going to judge him, and that he could talk to me without me hovering over him the whole time to make sure he wasn’t going to mess up.
At eleven that morning, Jason, Drew and I set off for the airport to pick Ellie up. Deep down, I was sure Drew would have preferred to pick her up alone, but he knew how much Jason and I wanted to see her too so he said nothing.
I didn’t realise how much I’d missed my big sister, but as all three of us waited for her to walk through the arrivals gate, I bounced up and down on the balls of my feet, desperate to give her a hug.
Beside me, Jason chuckled. “Excited much?”
I grinned up at him. “I know it’s only been a week, but I can’t wait to hang out with her. Plus, you know, tonight is going to totally change her life and I cannot wait to see her face when Drew proposes!”
Drew nudged me, but was unable to suppress his own smile. “Hey, no more mentions of that until it’s done, okay?”
I held up my hands. “I promise. But it’s going to be epic!”
Jason laughed. “You’ve already got a bridemaid’s dress picked out haven’t you?”
“Oh, how well you know me!” He laughed harder and I’m sure my eyes lit up at the prospect. Truth was, I did sort of know the kind of bridesmaid’s dress I’d like. Assuming she picked me. She had to pick me.
“Shut up, she’s coming!”
Drew’s face broke into the most enormous grin as Ellie ran towards us, and I bounced a little faster, making Jason laugh again. Drew swept her up in his arms and kissed her for a long time. They pressed their foreheads together, saying things to each other nobody else could h
ear, and my heart swelled with happiness for them. Jason slipped his arm around my shoulders and gave me a squeeze. “They’re sickening, aren’t they?”
I didn’t need to look up at him to know he was only messing around. In spite of his coolness, I could virtually feel his happiness for them too. He of all people knew what a rough road Ellie and Drew had had, and seeing them reunited was a special moment.
“They’re adorable and you know it.”
Jason leaned down and whispered in my ear. “Fine. But don’t tell anyone I said that.”
The soft tickle of his breath on my neck made me shiver, and my stomach flipped. I tilted my head to look up at him and his eyes were soft on me, the way they had been the night before. I wished we were somewhere a lot less public so I could find out if anything more would have happened next, but he pulled back and a chill swept around me as he released me from his hold.
As Ellie and Drew finally broke apart, Ellie rushed towards me and I gave a squeal of delight as she hugged me tight. “Missed you!” I told her.
“Missed you too! How’s it going? Are you okay?”
I laughed. “I’m more than okay. I’m having the best time ever!”
“I wanna hear all about it! What do you say to some girl time later?”
“Of course!”
That was exactly what we did, after having lunch with the rest of the band on the tour bus. It was so much fun having everyone together again. By the time the gig rolled around, I was flying high, and so excited for Drew’s proposal. Ellie and I behaved like real groupies, and shoved our way to the front of the stage for the show. Thankfully, the Vienna crowds weren’t too raucous; it would have been awful if Ellie never made it to the end of the gig due to being crushed against the barriers by over-enthusiastic rock fans.
Between the two of us, Ellie and I had been to more Razes Hell gigs than we could count. But that night in Vienna was one of the best, and as the lights dimmed for what should have signalled their exit from the stage, a shiver of anticipation rushed over me. The crowds around us continued to cheer because the guys hadn’t left the stage, and Ellie cast a questioning look at me. Usually by now they’d have made a dash for the dressing room. I shrugged, doing a stellar job of keeping my face neutral even though my insides squirmed with joy.