by Kyra Lennon
“Not your fault,” I mumbled, relishing in breathing in his scent. In being with him without anyone else watching us. “This is messed up, Jason. We’ve barely even kissed and now we’re being forced to make a decision about our future when all we were trying to do was get to know each other more. Better. In a different way.”
Jason pulled away a little, placing a soft kiss on my cheek before hopping up onto the table. “I know. This is my fault. I should have been more careful and I should have better explained what being with me really means.”
“I know what it means. I’ve seen it with Drew and Ellie, and I knew that – if I was ever lucky enough to get you to notice me – that it would be harder. Because it’s you. But I didn’t think it would lead to… this. Not people questioning your morals, and treating me like I’ve been tricked, and mocking me because I’m…”
I didn’t mean to let that slip out. Why the hell would I want to draw more attention to the fact that I was a nineteen-year-old virgin? The press were already doing a good enough job of making me seem like a naïve loser, without me joining in.
“So… that thing about you not having any experience…?”
“True.” My cheeks flamed and I started to turn away from him but he caught my hand and I looked up at him, feeling like the world’s lamest person. I mean, who stays a virgin until they’re almost twenty? Many of my friends pretty much threw theirs away as soon as they hit sixteen, and several of them did so even sooner. That just wasn’t me. I actually believed in being with someone I – at the very least liked – but aimed for more. Those who said things like, “It’s just sex,” confused me. How can sex ever be “just” anything? You can’t get closer to another person than that.
Jason pulled me towards him, parting his knees so I could slip between his legs. He rested his hands on my back. “Let’s just figure out what to do about what’s happening right now. We can talk about the other stuff later.”
I shook my head. “It’s all important, Jason. If the fact that I’m… that I’ve never…”
“Lucy, don’t make that into a bigger deal than it is. Everyone has a first time. The only thing about that that worries me is whether you really want me to be the one.”
Jason was the only man who’d ever made my body react so strongly. Or at all. I’d kissed other people before him, and while the sensation was nice, none of them had started a fire inside me. I thought that was just… I don’t know… a myth written about in romance novels. Or that there was something wrong with me, and that I’d die a virgin because I’d never been aroused by anyone before.
“I want you to be the one. And that is the only thing I’m sure about.”
Jason raised his hand and softly stroked my cheek. “I need you to be really sure about that. I don’t mean this as any chivalrous, cheesy bullshit. You know who I am, Lucy. I’ve got ten years on you. I’m about as far from innocent as it’s possible to be.”
While the idea of him being with other women made me tingle with jealousy, hearing him describe himself that way made me want him more. Made my body shiver with the idea of how good he could make me feel. That shiver – I knew – was entirely at odds with how I felt about casual sex. After all, casual sex was pretty much the only kind of sex Jason had ever had. However, he’d also made it clear that he didn’t hook up with every woman who looked in his direction, and I knew that to be true. He wasn’t that bad. In the category of sleeping around, Joey was a lot worse. I didn’t expect everyone to have the same views as me, and I wasn’t about to judge him for doing what many men would have done in his position.
“I’m sure. Absolutely, completely sure.”
“Okay. But we’re not going to rush this.”
“That’s not going to change public perception though, is it? People will think we are, and they’re still going to be saying things about you that aren’t true.”
He nodded. “I know. And as much as I want to see where things go with you, the one thing I can’t handle is people accusing me of being a pervert just for being with you.”
“I understand. I don’t want that either. As much as I want this, I won’t be the reason your life falls apart.”
Jason closed his eyes and rested his forehead against mine. “How did you get to be so sensible?”
“Well, for one thing, I’m Ellie’s sister.”
Jason laughed. “That would do it. You two aren’t alike in most ways, but you’re both pretty smart when it comes to making the right decisions.”
“Doesn’t mean we like those decisions, Jase.”
“I know. And it’s often me who ends up being the cause of those tough decisions. I’d like to step up and make this decision to save you from doing it, but this isn’t only about me. Mostly, I want to do what’s best for you.”
“Well, that’s interesting. Because I want to do what’s best for you.”
He brushed his lips against mine, his fingers tracing small circles on my lower back. “I don’t want you to go, Luce. I don’t. But I can’t see how we’re going to get any real time to work out where we are while we’re on the road.”
I nodded. He’d reached the same conclusion as me, and it sucked. I loved that we thought the same way, but the reality of what it meant made my heart break a little.
“I don’t want to go. I don’t want to go home and have to deal with Ellie and Mum and Dad trying to talk me out of being with you. But I know if I stay it could kill us. And everything you’ve worked for.”
I also knew that me going home wouldn’t be the end of the drama. Not forever. It would calm things down while the tour continued, but once Jason and I were seen together again, the stories would flare up again too. And it could still spell disaster for Jason and the band. But maybe that was something to worry about when we got there. Maybe what mattered was cooling the situation down now and hoping the world found something else to freak out about in the meantime.
“What are you thinking, Luce?”
I sighed, my eyes meeting his. “I’m scared the problems will never go away. Or at least not long enough for us to prove that there’s nothing wrong about us. We’ve known each other forever. We have a solid foundation that most couples never have. I feel like we have a really good friendship that turned into something else, but if people keep putting pressure on us, maybe they’ll break it and… then we might not even be friends anymore.”
“That’s not going to happen. I know I’m not well known for being sensible but we’re going to take this so slowly that if either of us feels like it won’t work, we can step away from it without ruining everything.” Jason stroked my cheek. “You said you weren’t asking for forever, and you know I can’t promise that. But I can promise that for as long as this makes sense, I’ll do everything I can to make sure you don’t get hurt.”
Why couldn’t Ellie see this Jason? I knew she used to. She used to think he was the best person in the whole world. And in spite of what she’d said about him hurting me, and his selfishness, she had to know she wasn’t being fair. He’d messed up more times than I knew about, I was sure of that. But he had always done everything he could to fix the things he’d broken. Why couldn’t anyone accept that he’d grown up, or acknowledge the hard work he’d done to get his life back on track?
“I don’t need as much protecting as you think,” I whispered. “But thank you.”
“I know that. You’re tougher than people are giving you credit for. I’m just saying, I’m going to work damn hard so you don’t have to be tough.”
Butterflies flapped around in my stomach at his words. Who was this guy? How did someone who portrayed himself as so dangerous turn into the sweet man before me?
He grinned as if, once again, he’d read my mind. “Don’t be fooled.” He winked, and a mischievous sparkle flickered in his eyes. “I’m still the Jason you see on stage too. But what kind of man would I be if I didn’t take care of my woman?”
My mouth dried out. I was his woman. His. Woman.
; I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my lips to his, kissing him harder than I ever had before. It had always been so gentle, but at that moment, I wanted him to be in no doubt how I felt. How much I wanted him. How much I wanted to make this work.
Jason pulled me in tighter, his tongue flicking into my mouth and making me push my body against his, my fingers twisting into his hair. His hands slipped lower and he bunched up the bottom of my shirt, pushing it up slightly so his fingers touched my skin.
It wasn’t enough. That light touch wasn’t enough, I needed more, and as heat flooded through me, a tiny moan of desperation slipped from my lips. Jason’s fingers moved higher, resting on the strap of my bra.
“Lucy,” Jason murmured as I closed my eyes. He kissed me again, but his hands moved lower and disappointment filled me as he put my shirt back in place and pulled away. “Sorry.”
“What for?”
“For telling you I’ll go slow and then kissing you that way.”
“I have no problem with that kiss. Only that you stopped.”
I was practically panting, which was totally embarrassing, but he’d just called me his woman, and very soon, I was going to be separated from him for a few weeks. I didn’t want to waste a second of our time doing anything other than exactly what we wanted to do.
He smiled, and I watched his lips, waiting for the second I could kiss them again. “Lucy Hayes, you dirty little thing.”
“What? What did I do?”
Laughing, he kissed me on the cheek. “I love that you have no idea.”
I narrowed my eyes on him, but couldn’t stop the smile. Whatever it was, it was his effect on me that set it off. I felt… naughty.
“Okay,” I said, changing the subject before I said or did something else that might embarrass me. “So… we’ve decided? I’m going home?”
Jason placed another, much softer, kiss on my lips. “Yes. But as soon as we get back to the UK, I want you there. I want you in London when we land so we can do cheesy London tourist shit. The stuff we’ll have missed out on through America.”
I grinned. “Can we go The Shard?”
“I’ll take you to the top.”
“Madame Tussaud’s?”
Jason snorted. “Don’t push your luck. I’m not going in there until my own wax work is there!”
I laughed out loud. “Hey, it’ll happen. Maybe not this year though.”
“Well, until then…” Jason pulled me close to him again and kissed me one more time. “Come on, Luce. Let’s go back and tell the others how grown up we are.”
“How about we tell them to go to hell?”
Jason stared into my eyes, his own dancing with amusement. “God, I’m going to miss you.”
“Me too, Jase. Me too.”
**
With great reluctance, Jason and I left the hotel and got into the waiting car to take us back to the tour bus. Journalists were still waiting outside, but we shoved through them and clambered onto the bus where Ellie, Drew and Derek had obviously been anxiously waiting for us, judging by the way they jolted to face us as we approached. With a level of maturity I didn’t feel, I explained the decision we’d reached, and there was visible relief from everyone. I tried not to be hurt by their happiness that I was leaving – I knew it wasn’t about me being unwanted, it was about damage control, but I’d kind of hoped someone would fight our corner. Mack had been the only person to attempt to stand up for us, but he’d been shot down with glares and he never spoke up again. I appreciated his effort though – he was a no bullshit kind of guy, and I respected his “do what you want and fuck what anyone else thinks” attitude.
Plans were made for me to fly home the next evening on the same flight as Ellie – although only just. I got the last seat on the plane, and we’d get the train the rest of the way home from Bristol. I wasn’t really looking forward to that part but I figured I could fake sleep for a few hours.
The rest of the day was long and uncomfortable. I felt isolated from everyone, even Jason to a certain extent because I felt Ellie and Drew watching us anytime we were together.
Maybe it was wrong, but a huge part of me blamed Ellie for the mess. If she hadn’t made a big deal out of me and Jason in the first place, we wouldn’t have had that talk outside the tour bus, we wouldn’t have been photographed, and I’d have been looking forward to spending an incredible day in Prague with her like we’d planned. Things with Jason would have worked out differently. Slowly. Privately.
Or maybe not. Maybe we were destined to cause controversy. Looking at the ifs of the situation wouldn’t change anything.
The day of fun in Prague I was supposed to be having was spent in the tour bus. Derek had left, but he’d also left strict instructions that Jason and I shouldn’t be seen together in public. Everyone else was free to go and do as they pleased, but Ellie was on full big sister watch, and apparently didn’t trust either me or Jason to be alone together, so she and Drew stayed behind too. I’d thought dinner the night before had ended uncomfortably but this took discomfort to levels I never believed existed. We must have looked like one of those videos you see on TV showing different frames to display the passing of time. Every now and again one of us would change positions, or leave the communal area before coming back, maybe with a book, or a guitar in Jason’s case. It was how I imagine Big Brother to be before they edit out all the crap bits.
I was actually relieved when it was time to leave for the airport, but of course, the boys couldn’t come with us. Ellie and I were leaving in a cab, and I was only given five minutes alone with Jason while Ellie and Drew said their own private goodbye.
As Jason enveloped me in his arms, I let out a huge sigh. “This was the worst day ever.”
He placed a kiss on the top of my head. “I know. I’m sorry.”
I looked up at him. “This wasn’t your fault.”
“I know, but I feel bad that everything you’d planned for the next few weeks has been ruined. I really wanted to keep exploring new places with you. You’ve made touring fun again and it won’t be the same without you.”
Closing my eyes, I leaned into him, holding him tightly. He was right. Everything I’d planned had been taken away from me. However, looking at it from another angle, I’d gotten a chance with the one person I never thought I would, so maybe two weeks apart wasn’t such a bad trade off. Okay, I wouldn’t be with Jason but when he got back, we’d give things a try. I wasn’t crazy enough to put all my hopes on this insane relationship, but all I’d ever wanted was a chance. And I’d got it.
“Will you call me as soon as you get to New York?”
Jason nodded. “Of course. I’ll call whenever I can. And I’ll see you in fourteen days.”
“That sounds like the longest time ever.”
“I know. But you should keep busy. Find things to do, hang out with friends. The time will fly and then I’ll be home. Well, in the UK.”
“I can’t wait, Jase. But we’ll still have to be careful. You know that, right?”
“I know. But when we get home, then we can start to work things out. It can’t come soon enough.”
Again, I looked up at him. I loved how his green eyes gazed into mine. The faint smile on his lips as he looked at me, the gorgeousness of his chiselled jaw. The sexy rock star the world knew was the sweetest guy. And he was holding me, and telling me he couldn’t wait to see me again.
I didn’t want to leave him.
“Cheer up, Luce. When I get home, we’ll have loads of time together. At least four weeks to do whatever normal couples do.”
I chuckled. I figured Jason had about as much of a clue about what “normal couples” did as me. He’d only briefly dated people for as long as I’d known him, and I was definitely not an expert either. If nothing else came of this, we’d have fun figuring it out.
I looked up at him. “Cheeky selfie before I leave?”
“For sure.”
I took my phone from my jacket pocket and moved in
front of Jason so he had his arms wrapped around me from behind. We smiled for the camera and I snapped us.
“Send me a copy of that?” Jason said.
“I will.”
I turned in his arms, and he smiled again, little more sadly this time. “See you soon, Luce.”
All I could manage was a nod, and when he leaned down to press his lips to mine, I felt tears spring to my eyes. Instead of letting them fall, I focused on the moment we were in. The moment I knew I’d cling to for the next two weeks, until we could do this again.
“Lucy, it’s time to go.”
Ellie’s voice was soft, and for a moment I thought maybe she’d softened too, but when I turned to her, there was still disappointment on her face and my moment of hope died in an instant. I faced Jason again for one more kiss then picked up my bag.
“I’ll call you as soon as I get to New York,” Jason promised.
I smiled, still unable to manage words, then followed Ellie off the bus.
Chapter 11 – From Zero To Horny
“Luce, are you planning to ignore me forever?”
Ellie and I sat in the departure lounge surrounded by people, all of whom were either reading newspapers, faffing with their hand luggage, or talking to each other. I was in no mood for doing any of those things, so I sat beside Ellie in silence, both of us looking straight ahead as if we could hurry up the plane through the power of thought. We hadn’t really spoken in over twenty-four hours. Not since Jason and I told everyone our decision. It wasn’t just me; everyone on the bus was too uncomfortable to interact much.
“I know you think I’m being overprotective, but you must be able to see why after what happened yesterday.”
I shook my head. “None of the things that were written about me in the paper were as hurtful as the way you and Drew reacted.” Including the fact that my virginity was splashed all over the news for the world to read about.
“We were trying to save you from that!”