by Kyra Lennon
“It would have happened anyway, Ellie! It might have taken a bit longer, but it still would have happened. And if it had taken longer, at least we would have known whether there was anything worth everyone making such a big deal out of.”
That was my biggest problem with everything that had happened. Maybe, after all this, Jason and I wouldn’t have a hope in hell of sustaining a relationship anyway, but the chance to find out in a quiet, sensible way had been snatched away from us. The fact that Ellie couldn’t see that was a big part of why I was so angry with her. I truly thought she’d understand.
“Isn’t that what you and Drew wanted?” I asked, quietly. “When you first got together, you at least had a little time before your relationship was outed. Jason and I weren’t careful enough, but we only want what you and Drew wanted. Time.”
“I get that. And I understand you’re trying to do the smart thing by taking it slow, but life with Jason is anything but slow. I know he’s changed a lot but he isn’t going to suddenly settle down and live a boring, normal life.”
Who was this woman beside me? This judgemental, assuming witch who wouldn’t hear anything I was saying. Was this how she was with Jason? Smothering, unrelentless? Knowing her concern came from a good place didn’t make it any better. It was like she’d forgotten everything she knew about me, and about Jason, because she was trying to protect me from something I’d already thought about.
“Ellie, I can’t talk to you about this until you start listening. You want to know how long I’ll ignore you? It’ll be until you decide you want to hear what I have to say.”
Tears burned my eyes for the millionth time because all I really wanted was for my big sister to hold me in her arms and tell me everything would be okay, just like she did when I was younger. When she used to listen to me.
“I’m trying, Luce. And I really do know how you feel.”
I nodded. “That’s what makes this worse.”
That conversation cemented our silence for the rest of the journey home. A few hours on a plane followed by another few hours on a train seemed to stretch on forever. I spent some of the time sleeping, and a lot more scribbling things down in my journal while occasionally checking the internet to see if any other rumours or ridiculous news stories about Jason and me had popped up. Luckily, it was still the same old crap, and I didn’t have anything new to worry about.
At least, until I got home. Ellie didn’t come with me, she went straight to her own flat, leaving me to receive a pretty frosty welcome from my parents. They both hugged me, asked how I was and if I needed anything to eat, but there was an atmosphere. I’d sort of hoped they would have mellowed a little, maybe warmed to the idea of me and Jason, but that obviously wasn’t the case. Disappointment and concern was heavy in their eyes. It was as if they’d bought into the press bullshit about how Jason might have taken advantage of me or something, when they should have known better. Or maybe that wasn’t their problem. Perhaps it was just me being with Jason at all that did it. Either way, I didn’t want to hang around to ask. After grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge, I went up to my room and stayed there until the next morning.
**
I awoke to find I’d made the news again. Photos of Ellie and me leaving Prague airport graced the entertainment pages and led to another flood of tweets to my Twitter account – all of which I ignored because I didn’t want to know what was being said. While I knew there were people who would support me, I didn’t want the hurt or drama of those who only wanted to cause trouble. Early that morning, Derek had released a statement that politely told the world that my relationship with Jason was none of anyone’s business, and that it would not be discussed any further. He’d also blasted the accusations that Jason had somehow “groomed” me, making it clear that any relationship we had was new, and absolutely above board. We knew we wouldn’t change the opinions of people who had already made up their minds, but the rumours had to be cleared up somehow.
Aside from a quick breakfast and a mug of coffee, I pretty much confined myself to my bedroom; the only place I felt comfortable in my own home. All I needed was a mini fridge and microwave and I’d never have to go downstairs again.
“Lucy?”
Dad’s stern voice through the crack in my door made me look up from my book. I knew I couldn’t hide from them forever, but I had nothing to say. Not yet. Maybe not for a while.
But Dad was Dad, and I knew that tone. That was his “no nonsense” tone, and even Ellie at her advanced age couldn’t ignore it. I placed my book on the bed beside me. “Come in.”
As Dad entered the room I shuffled over so he could sit down. I studied him as he sank down beside me. The frown lines around his eyes let me know this conversation was going to suck, and I drew in a deep breath, readying myself to defend my feelings – again. This was why I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Because I was already sick of having to explain something that people do every day. They meet someone, they like them, they date them. Obviously Jason wasn’t your average boyfriend, but Ellie didn’t have to go through this much questioning.
“Your mum and I would like to talk to you,” Dad said. “I know you don’t want to. I know you’ve been through a lot over the last few days. But you’re our daughter, and we need to know what’s going on.”
“Dad. You know what’s going on. I haven’t left you out of anything. I’ve told you everything.”
“Then why do we still feel as if we’re in the dark?”
“I don’t know. I’ve been through every angle of this with everyone I’m close to, so I don’t know what you could be missing.”
I wasn’t trying to be difficult; I genuinely didn’t understand what they felt they didn’t know when I’d been open about it all. I hadn’t lied, or hidden anything, even though I’d wanted to tell them to stop interfering and let me be.
“We’d like to know what your plans are,” Dad said.
“My plans?” I looked up at him, shaking my head. “I don’t understand.”
“Your plans when Jason gets back.” Still confused, I continued to stare at him. I thought I’d been clear – there were no plans. The plan was to take things a day at a time. “University, Lucy. Are you dropping out?”
I shuffled farther away from him then raised my hands in a defensive gesture. “Where would you get an idea like that?”
“It’s a perfectly reasonable question. You’ve surprised us a lot already this summer. We’d like to limit any more shocks.”
The part of me that had remained in control the whole time I’d been questioned by everyone I loved exploded into a thousand pieces at his question. He wanted to treat me like a kid? How else was I supposed to react?
“Are you kidding me? I… I can’t-”
He’d actually rendered me speechless. How could he have thought that, and how could he still be talking to me like I was five years old?
“Dad, I have no intention of dropping out of university. I never had any intention of that.”
“So what will happen when Jason goes out on the road again? And when he’s out doing… whatever he does? How will that work with you in Sheffield?”
Well, this was a new level of insane. I’d told my parents Jason and I were taking things slowly, and Dad was asking me how the relationship was going to work? The relationship nobody wanted me to have. I felt like I was living in some kind of parallel universe where the people who used to listen had suddenly developed a hearing problem, and nothing I said was reaching their ears or their brains.
“We’re not married, Dad. I don’t know anything yet. I don’t know if Jason and I will even work as a couple when we’re in the real world. I’m not planning to throw away my future for something I don’t understand yet. I can’t believe you think I’m that stupid.”
“I don’t think you’re stupid. I think you kissed someone you like a lot, and it’s confused you.”
“I’m not the one who’s confused.” I stood up and walked over to my window
, staring out onto the street I’d grown up on. The street I played on with my friends. The street where I’d lived my whole life, where I’d developed feelings for the guy I wanted to be with more than anything. And I hated it. I wanted to be anywhere but there because all it did was remind me that while I was there, living under that roof, I’d always be a child.
“I’m sorry, Dad. I love you, but I need some space right now.”
Without another word, I sped out of my room, down the stairs and out of the front door. I had no idea where I was going, I just needed some distance from my family home.
“Lucy!”
I halted at the end of my drive at yet another voice calling my name. I turned slightly to the right and saw Mr Brooks in his doorway. He smiled kindly at me. “Lucy, please could I talk to you for a minute? I won’t keep you for long.”
Mr Brooks – Michael - was a lovely man. Quiet, but kind. He looked a hell of a lot more understanding than my own father, and I smiled back at him. “Sure.”
I walked the rest of the way down my path then turned onto his. Michael ushered me inside and closed the door behind him. The familiar scent of the Brooks household made me smile. It smelled like old man aftershave, but also a little woodsy, homely. I’d never worked out what caused the wood smell, but the whole effect was comforting. More so than my own house.
Michael led me through to his living room and we sat down together on his sofa. I glanced around the room, smiling to myself at the photos on the walls. There never used to be many signs of Mrs Brooks, but after Jason’s overdose, some things had been discussed, and Jason and Drew’s mum was no longer a topic that was brushed aside. There was a stunning photo of her with her boys on the mantelpiece above the fireplace, and every time I saw it, I felt the love radiating from their smiles and their eyes.
“How are you?” Michael asked, bringing my focus back to him.
I shrugged. “I’m not sure. I don’t seem to know anything at the moment, and it’s really horrible.”
Michael nodded. “It’s hard to be dragged into the spotlight, isn’t it?”
“Yeah. Especially when it’s something that has been blown out of all proportion.”
“I spoke to Jason last night. I asked him to tell me what’s been going on. He’s very fond of you, Lucy.”
“I know. I feel the same.”
Michael smiled a little sadly, and I felt that ripple of dread again because I was sure he was about to echo everyone else. He’s too old for you. You’re too young to be attached to someone like Jason. You’ll get hurt. “I know you do. You know, my boys haven’t had a lot of luck with the press. In fact, when it comes to women and the press, they’ve had a very hard time. But Drew has been lucky with Ellie. She’s a good girl, and she’s good for Drew.”
Since Ellie wasn’t my favourite person at that moment, all I could do was nod. I agreed with him – Ellie and Drew were perfect for each other, but both of them had been a part of the pain I was in. I wasn’t ready to speak too favourably about them yet.
“I’ve seen you and Ellie as you’ve grown up, and I’m very proud of the women you’ve grown into, just as I know your parents are – mostly – proud of my boys. Jason’s been through a lot, and I understand why your mum and dad have been worried about you. Anyone would be in their position.”
“I understand too, but I wish they’d try to understand how I feel. I wish they’d understand that I haven’t just thrown myself into something I haven’t thought about. I’ve thought about nothing else.”
“I think they know but you’re their little girl. I love my son, but Jason isn’t the most obvious choice for a suitable boyfriend.”
“We haven’t really got as far as putting labels on anything yet. We like each other. We’d like to spend more time together, and we’d like to see where things go. We can’t possibly be any more sensible than that. We’re not rushing into anything. We just want to see what happens.”
I sighed, and then, out of nowhere, tears started to fall. I wasn’t even sure what prompted them, but suddenly they streamed down my face and my insides began to ache. They ached for how lonely I’d become, and how I was missing out on the summer I’d dreamed of. Even if I might have been on the verge of something better, it felt like all my plans had been destroyed, and there was nobody I could turn to.
Michael wrapped an arm around my shoulders and I folded into him, clinging onto him like a lifeline because so far, he’d been the only person to hear me.
“Don’t cry, Lucy,” he said, softly. “The reason I wanted to talk to you wasn’t to tell you to be careful, or that you’ve made bad decisions. I wanted to thank you.”
My head lifted from his shoulder. “Thank me?”
He nodded. “Jason told me he’d been set up by a drug dealer when you were in Munich.”
“He told you?” He’d fought so hard against me telling Drew, I hadn’t expected him to tell his dad. Some of my ache eased because that was a sign of how different he was now. He never would have done that before. He wouldn’t have admitted to struggling.
“Yes. He told me you were there for him, and you didn’t put up with any of his crap. His words, not mine.”
I laughed. “I was actually terrified. But I just pushed it away because I wanted him to be okay. I didn’t think I did anything remarkable. Just what anyone would do for someone they care about.”
“It’s not easy to be that person. I’ve never been good at handling him when he’s like that.”
“But when you had to handle him, he was still using cocaine. It must have been harder then.”
“Yes. But even now, it’s hard to see him craving.”
“He’s tough. And I think his sponsor is really helpful too. Jason seemed much calmer after they’d spoken.”
“Alex has been a lifesaver. But… I think having you in his life will only help him. And that’s why I wanted to talk to you. I know it feels like the whole world is against you, but it’s not. You have a lot of support from the band’s fans and… you have my support too. I can’t get involved in whatever’s happening with your parents because we’ve been friends for a very long time and that is important to me. But I’m on your side. So there’s ten years between you and Jason? So what? It’s a number. If you and Jason are happy, who cares about age? The truth is, you have to grab every chance for happiness because there are never any guarantees. I miss my wife every single day, even after all these years, and when we were younger, we wasted a lot of time. If I’d known what would happen, I’d have stopped messing around and told her how I felt much sooner.”
I’d always been fond of Michael, but never more so than at that moment. He was telling me what I already understood. That going after what you want is not a bad thing. And that trying to be happy is what’s important.
Maybe my age worked in my favour. Maybe my naivety was the thing that actually made this work. Being nineteen didn’t inhibit my ability to see how dangerous things could be if Jason fell back into drug use. I was young, not stupid. But I wasn’t looking at him as someone who was constantly on the brink of disaster. That was the Jason Ellie and Drew knew. The Jason I knew had come so much further than that, and I had to believe he’d keep pushing through it.
“Thank you,” I said. “Thank you for listening and understanding, and for raising such an incredible man.”
“You’re welcome, Lucy. Hang in there, okay? It’ll all work out.”
**
I spent the rest of the day hanging out alone in St Ives. When I say alone, I mean as alone as a person can be on a warm, sunny day in June in one of the UK’s tourist hotspots. It hadn’t quite reached peak season yet but the town grew busier by the week as the summer holidays came closer. I didn’t mind all the people. Even though I was wary of the fact that I’d been in the papers the day before, for the most part, I got left alone when I was at home. I knew the news had broken that I’d left the tour, but I doubted anyone was actually expecting me to be out and about so soon. Little did th
ey know I’d rather have been hounded by the press than have to hide in my bedroom with no escape. I needed freedom after being cooped up in the tour bus, and I found it on Porthmeor Beach.
I knew I couldn’t stay out of the house forever, though. I needed to go home and face my parents sometime, plus, I knew Jason would call that evening when he arrived in New York. I didn’t want to risk any chance of strangers overhearing our conversation.
Mum and Dad greeted me with small, somewhat distant smiles which only irked me more since they were the ones pushing me away. More than anything I wanted to be able to talk to them, to have a real conversation about the things that had happened, but I knew it was impossible because, like Ellie, they had already formed opinions and wanted me as far away from Jason as possible. Instead of joining them for a family dinner, I went back to my room and flung myself on my bed. I took my phone from my jeans pocket, ignoring the new round of tweets I’d been sent that day, and began scrolling through the photos I’d taken while I’d been on tour. Smiling fondly at the selfie Jason and I took before I left Prague, I set it as my phone’s background then stared at it for a moment.
Obviously, it wasn’t the first time I’d stared at a photo of Jason and me. In fact, I’d done it an almost embarrassing number of times, but this one was a lot different. Although we were sad to be going our separate ways for a while, there was an enormous amount of happiness, and something resembling hope in our eyes. I knew I’d felt it, but I hadn’t known Jason felt the exact same way. Or at least that was how it seemed.
I almost dropped the phone when it began to ring, and Jason’s name flashed on my screen. My heart sped up at the thought of hearing his voice and I swiped the screen and held the phone to my ear.
“Hey!”
“Hi, Luce. God, I’ve missed you today.”
No words could have made me happier.
“I’ve missed you too. How’s New York?”
“It’s… hectic. Getting from the airport to the hotel was crazy, but I’ve just checked in then called you. I haven’t done anything else yet.”