Colorblind

by Siera Maley

  “Okay.”

  “Seriously?” She sounded surprised. Apparently I’d been a little more obvious about my urge to keep away from her family than I’d originally thought. “Okay, awesome! See you soon?”

  “Yes,” I confirmed and hung up.

  I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. My hair was messy, my mascara was smeared, and I probably smelled like fast food. I did what I could to fix myself up, and was halfway out of the house when Dad stopped me.

  “Where’re you off to? I thought your stomach was bothering you.”

  “Um, I feel a little better now,” I explained. “It stopped hurting. I’m just going to Chloe’s.”

  He studied me, eyebrows furrowed. I could tell he didn’t believe me. “Are you sure? You seemed pretty upset when you got home.”

  “I’m okay, Dad.” I brushed a stay tendril of hair out of my face and turned away from him quickly, eager to go.

  “Wait a second, Harper. What aren’t you telling me?”

  I froze in the doorway and let out a quiet sigh. Then I faced him again. He’d folded his arms across his chest now. “It’s nothing, Dad. Just… typical teenage girl stuff. I’m PMS-ing and a boy broke my heart.”

  “Very funny. I’ve known you your whole life; don’t think I haven’t realized that the biggest sign something’s wrong with you is when you start using jokes to deflect my questions.”

  “I’m just going to Chloe’s,” I insisted. “I’m playing board games with her family. They’re feeding me. I’m okay.”

  He watched me for another long moment, and then pressed his lips together almost sadly. “I worry about you, Harper.”

  “Yeah, I know. I’m anti-social. So keeping me from my new friend is definitely helping.”

  “You’ve been different lately,” he told me. “You come home upset and don’t tell me why, you broke your phone the other week; you don’t tell me what’s going on in your life-”

  “Oh, that’s rich coming from you.” I rolled my eyes and mirrored his crossed arms with my own, the open front door abandoned behind me. “You had a girlfriend and didn’t tell me.”

  “And given how you’ve reacted, can you blame me?” He shook his head, and I stared at him, suddenly feeling very numb. “It hasn’t been easy with just the two of us, Harper. But we’d watch our shows and movies together and had nightly dinners and I always knew what was going on with you and what you were going through, even if I didn’t understand it all. I always felt close to you. And now, out of nowhere, there’s this wall up I can’t get past and I can’t figure out why. I feel like I’ve done something wrong.”

  He paused like he was waiting for a response, but I made no move to answer him. I just wanted to leave.

  He deflated, and I watched him close his eyes and let out a deep sigh. When he spoke again, he sounded defeated. “I wanted to take us to do something fun this Saturday. Deborah likes to go camping and I thought maybe you’d want to join us. But I guess it would’ve been a mistake to ask.”

  There was a long silence as we stared at each other. I broke eye contact first.

  My tone felt flat as I told him, “I’m going to Chloe’s now,” and I turned and left through the front door without waiting for an answer.

  * * *

  Chloe’s dad was married to a woman named Hayley. She had Chloe’s light blonde hair and bright blue eyes, and there was a softness to the way she spoke and smiled that reminded me painfully of my own mother. I thought her name fit well. They sounded like a family. Kent, Hayley, and Chloe. As I spent the evening watching television and playing games with them, I wondered why their family had to be the one to be broken. They were so obviously happy in a way I could no longer remember being.

  “Chloe tells me you’re joining us at Six Flags this weekend. It should be fun,” Hayley told me over dinner. I looked at Chloe next to me, taken aback, and she sighed at her mother.

  “Mom! That was supposed to be a surprise!”

  “Oh! I’m sorry, honey. I thought you’d told her.”

  “Wait,” I interrupted, raising both eyebrows at Chloe. “That was what you wanted to do this weekend?”

  “Well, yes. If you were okay with it. Dad wants to check out the rides and I thought it’d be fun if you came along.”

  “I’m seriously not a fun person to take to amusement parks,” I explained. “I can’t ride half the rides because I’m a coward. And it’s expensive.”

  “Oh, don’t worry about that,” Hayley cut in. “We’d be happy to have you along. Chloe can’t wander around the park alone, anyway.”

  Faced with Hayley and Kent, who was nodding along beside his wife, I couldn’t turn them down. “Wow. Thank you. I’ll try not to be boring?”

  Kent chuckled as Hayley’s smile widened. “I’m sure Chloe’ll keep you busy.”

  * * *

  “Is your dad expecting you back soon?”

  I shook my head and avoided Chloe’s curious look at my response. We were up in her room and a couple of minutes had passed since we’d finished dinner. Chloe’s bedroom was everything I’d expected it to be: a Charlie’s Angels poster adorned one wall, and a poster advertising a Missy Peregrym movie hung on another, her abs on display. The walls were painted a darker beige color, but not so dark that it seemed dreary. Her bed was large enough to fit at least three people on it comfortably, and Baxter, too.

  “I like your parents,” I told her. I was poised on the edge of the bed, and Chloe laid across it on her back, tossing a small stuffed bear up into the air and catching it over and over again. Baxter lay on the floor beside us, fast asleep. It was the first time I’d ever seen him relaxed.

  “Yeah, they’re pretty awesome. They get a little too involved sometimes, though, which can get annoying.”

  “I like that. It means they care.”

  “I guess so.” She caught the bear and looked over at me, a hint of a smile on her lips. “They think we’re hooking up in here.”

  I wrinkled my nose and feigned disgust. “Gross.”

  “Shut up!” She tossed the bear at me, and I deflected it with one hand, grinning. “I didn’t tell them anything, just so you know. I just haven’t known you for more than a month and I guess I already don’t shut up about you.”

  “That’s quite the accomplishment given that I’m pretty boring,” I told her. She sat up with a scoff.

  “No, you’re not. I refuse to have a boring best friend.”

  The label was unexpected, and it warmed my insides. I didn’t say anything, and she arched an eyebrow at me.

  “What? Am I moving too fast? Is it too soon to stop pretending like I hang out with anyone else other than you?”

  “What about before here? You must’ve had friends where you used to live.”

  She shrugged her shoulders. “Yeah, well… you know how it is when you move.”

  “Actually, I don’t. I’ve lived here my whole life.”

  She went back to lying down, her lips pressed together and her fingers interlocked over her stomach. For a moment, she looked deep in thought. Then she said, turning back to me, “I guess I had a lot of acquaintances. There are people you know and then people that know you, you know?”

  I grinned at her. “Can you repeat that?”

  “Okay,” she huffed out. “It’s like… I had a lot of people who knew my name and said ‘hi’ to me when we’d cross paths in the hallway at school or whatever. If I had a birthday party, I could get people to come. But I’ve never had the kind of friend I could just spill my guts to and feel comfortable with it. That feels natural with you. Maybe because it doesn’t feel like you judge me. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is basically that high school sucks.”

  I forced a laugh and watched Chloe close her eyes. She seemed to relax in front of me, and I almost felt guilty when I finally broke our silence. “I can’t remember the last time I had a friend my own age.”

  Her eyes fluttered open and she smiled over at me. “Well, now you�
��ve got me… And you’re so riding coasters with me this Saturday.”

  “Ugh,” I groaned, flopping down next to her. “Great. And right after that I can meet up with Dad for the most awkward camping trip of my life.”

  “What, with the new girlfriend?”

  I rolled my eyes at the ceiling. “Dad said she likes to camp, and right before I came here, he stopped me and got all mad at me because I’m not making an effort with her. She’s not my girlfriend.”

  “I bet it’d make him happy if you went.” Chloe sat up beside me as she spoke, and I frowned over at her.

  “Why can’t you just tell me that he’s a jerk for hiding her from me and that I totally have the right to be angry about it?”

  “He’s a jerk for hiding her from you and you totally have the right to be angry about it,” she recited. “Also, I still bet it’d make him happy if you went camping with them.” She perked up and nudged me. “Ask him to bring me! Use the Six Flags trip to make him feel guilty. I’m treating you to a free day at a theme park. It’ll totally work.”

  “That’s so manipulative.” I pondered the idea. “I like it. You sure you want to sacrifice a night in this amazing bed, though?”

  “I can sleep in this any night. I’ll keep you company,” she insisted. “It’ll be fun. We’re can spend most of the day at the park, and then we’ll be so exhausted we’ll pass out before it even sinks in that we’re sleeping in a tent. Oh, but before that we can make s’mores!”

  “Chocolate allergy,” I reminded her, and she groaned even as the words left my lips.

  “How do you live?”

  “Like Voldemort. A half-life. A cursed life.”

  She snorted, and then her eyes widened and she hid her face, embarrassed. I laughed at her openly.

  “You do that sometimes.”

  “Don’t make fun of me! It’s my one flaw.”

  “Aw, no. I think it’s cute,” I insisted, trying to make her feel better. When it actually occurred to me what I’d said, I pressed my lips together, regretting it. Chloe turned to look at me even as she brushed her hair out of her face, and I could tell she was struggling to hide a smirk.

  “Oops,” was all she said, the teasing smile finally breaking free, and I rolled my eyes and bumped her shoulder with mine, playing it off and hoping I wasn’t turning red.

  “Yeah, whatever.”

  “So what else did your dad say before you came here?” she asked me abruptly. “You sounded upset on the phone.”

  “Oh that wasn’t about-” I started to say, and then realized that I couldn’t tell her about what’d happened at work, given that she’d been the cause of it all. I changed gears and said instead, “…about the camping thing. I guess he thinks I’m not as close to him as we used to be. I don’t know. This summer’s just been stressful with work and…”

  I trailed off, and Chloe finished, “Me?”

  I avoided her eyes, embarrassed she’d been forward enough to make the suggestion. I shrugged. “I guess.” I paused for a moment to collect my thoughts and was thankful that she didn’t interrupt me. “I guess maybe I just feel like I can only handle so many people at once. Dad’s got this whole thing with Deborah going on, and Robbie and I haven’t been talking as much, and I hate my job, but I don’t know if I can afford college without it, and… now there’s you.”

  There was a long pause and I felt more and more embarrassed the longer my words hung in the air. At last, Chloe said, her tone brighter and more matter-of-fact than I expected, “I get it.”

  “How?” I shot back, eyes on my lap. “Your parents are together and they seem really cool and they get along with you, and you’re not working, and you don’t have a Robbie that likes to randomly remind you of how hopeless and meaningless life is in the long run. Every time I even get near him I have an existential crisis.”

  Another long moment passed where neither of us spoke. Eventually, Chloe turned to look at me, eyebrows furrowed, and asked, “Is Robbie a stoner?”

  I let out a small laugh purely out of surprise. “Uh, yeah.”

  “So doesn’t he spend his spare time smoking weed and contemplating the meaning of life while staring up at the stars? And then the next day he’ll spend the whole work shift mumbling about how we’re all ants or cogs in the machine and in the long run we’re not going to make any difference in the world?”

  I chuckled and nodded, raising a hand to cover my mouth. “Oh my God. That is almost eerily spot-on.”

  “Yeah, that’s not the best guy to be taking life advice from. I mean, I’m sure he’s a smart guy, but I’ve known guys like that and they’ll make you depressed as hell. Especially if they’re jaded.”

  My smile faded and I turned away from her. “Well, I don’t know if I’d call him ‘jaded’ because he lost his sister…”

  She winced beside me. “Shit. I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry; please forget I said it.” She hesitated before she continued, and I could feel her gaze on my cheek. “If I lost someone I cared about, I’d probably spend a lot of time wondering why things are the way they are, too. I understand. I just… wanted to make you feel better, I guess. I thought making a joke about it-”

  “It’s okay,” I cut her off before she could start rambling. I looked back at her to see her relax a little. “I know. Sometimes he pisses me off. But sometimes he’s the only person who makes sense. Or the only person who says the right things.” I elbowed her lightly and cracked a smile. “But he also has his fair share of foot-in-mouth moments, too. And he’s not as attractive as you.”

  She shook her head disapprovingly, and there was a small, almost sad smile on her lips as she prodded my shoulder with her index finger. “Thanks, but don’t hit on me, okay? The one slip-up was enough.”

  “But you’re so pretty,” I joked, and quickly stopped grinning when I realized she wasn’t playing along. Instead, she nudged me again, her voice quiet.

  “Harper, c’mon.”

  Now I was the one who felt awful. I didn’t know what to say, so instead I just nodded and started to move off of her bed.

  “Wait, you don’t have to go,” Chloe said. She looked surprised now. “I wasn’t saying you had to go.”

  “No, it’s okay,” I replied, trying to keep my voice even. I couldn’t make eye contact with her. “I should go talk to my Dad. He’ll be happy to hear I want to go do the camping thing with him.”

  “Harper-”

  “I’ll see you later, okay?” I interrupted, and left quickly before she could follow.

  * * *

  At some point, I knew I had to face the way I felt about Chloe, and the fact that it was mutual. This wasn’t a fairytale. This was a real person with real feelings, and even though I wasn’t guaranteed a happy ending, a decision needed to be made.

  I trembled as I helped Dad pack for our camping trip. When I was done, I’d go to Chloe’s house and join her family for a late breakfast. Then we’d go to the theme park for the day, get home around six, and Chloe and I would go with my dad and Deborah to a campground Deborah had experience with. I wasn’t sure which terrified me more: roller coasters, sleeping in a tent in an unfamiliar area, or the fact that I was doing both in one day with Chloe.

  I packed painstakingly slowly. Robbie texted me through it. I wondered if he was nervous for me. Even if he didn’t like to admit it, I knew I was his best friend. And I also knew that watching him go through what I was going through now wouldn’t exactly be a cakewalk. Robbie and I’d had countless conversations about staying detached from people outside of our families, and yet here we were, attached to each other. But at least I knew Robbie was going to be around for a while.

  I got my first moment of peace in a while on the way to the park. I’d grown afraid of car trips with Chloe, but with her mother and father in the car with us and both of them sporting high numbers on their foreheads, I had somewhat of a guarantee for the first time that there would be no car-related incidents today.

  Chloe and I s
at in the backseat, she behind her driving father and I behind her mother. I rested my head against the window and watched the trees on the side of the road blow past us. My hand, almost unconsciously, stretched out toward the center of the seat, occasionally making contact with Chloe’s fingertips. Her doing. She’d made it clear the other night that as long as I was the one doing the rejecting, I wasn’t allowed to also do the flirting. I supposed that was fair. I couldn’t have it both ways.

  I took my forehead off of the window and looked over at her. Her gaze was on the view of the body of water just a football field’s distance from us, and when she used the hand that wasn’t playing with mine to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, I could see her smiling.

  “This is beautiful,” she murmured, awestruck. “Isn’t it?”

  Still staring at her, I had to work hard to avoid agreeing with her in the cheesiest, most cliché manner ever recorded by modern humanity. But 2000-era romance movies suddenly seemed less contrived and annoying.

  Instead, I sighed and turned away, pressing my forehead to the glass window again. Then I pulled away and drove my head forward until my forehead met the glass again with a small “thunk”.

  It didn’t help.

  * * *

  Despite spending all seventeen years of my life in San Francisco, just an hour away from Six Flags Discovery Kingdom, I’d never been there before.

  An hour in, it was very clear to me why that was.

  Chloe pulled me through the park, blowing past stands for funnel cakes and booths sporting games that offered stuffed animal prizes. She eyed the rides around us like a kid in a candy store. She’d tried to get me warmed up with a few meant for small children, which was pretty embarrassing, but it hadn’t really worked. Next had been Bumper Cars, which was the highlight so far. The spinning tea cups afterward had made me nauseous, but getting that one over with early on was probably for the best given that I’d been getting hungry.