Colorblind

by Siera Maley

  “I will. Promise.” She looked at Dad as she moved to stand. “Thanks for breakfast, Mr. Locklear.”

  “You can call me Peter, and you’re welcome anytime.”

  “Thanks. And, um, my parents love Harper, so she’s welcome anytime, too.”

  “Good to know.”

  There was an awkward pause, and I realized Chloe was waiting for me to walk her out. I stood up hastily and headed for the front door, letting her fall into step beside me.

  “So do you think you’ll regret the pink strand?” I asked her, mostly to make conversation.

  She shook her head and smiled. “Never.”

  We reached the door and she faced me, one hand on the doorknob. She seemed to hesitate for a moment, and then told me, “Harper, I’m really glad I met you.”

  I nodded, hiding a grin. “I know.”

  She pressed her lips together in mock-offense. “Say it back.”

  I knew she was only kidding, and that I didn’t have to say it. I also knew that a month ago, I couldn’t have said it back. Not with confidence, anyway.

  Things were different now. “Chloe Stephens, I am so glad I met you.”

  She bit at her bottom lip for a moment, and then took a deep breath before she spoke again. “So this day by the water that my parents are definitely going to let us have because I’m going to beg them to say yes? I’m gonna call it a date. Okay?”

  I blinked a couple of times, and then swallowed hard and nodded. “Okay.”

  “Good.” She offered me a small smile, reaching out with her free hand to gently squeeze mine. “Your move,” she told me, and then slipped out quietly through the front door.

  * * *

  I got a confirmation text from her fifteen minutes later, and spent the next half hour panicking in my bathroom. One minute I was sure I could take things further with Chloe, and the next I worried about the repercussions of doing so. Robbie’s words bounced around in my head: “If you hook up with her and she dies, you’ll be miserable. With that said… If you don’t hook up with her and she dies, you’ll be miserable and you’ll regret it.”

  But if I kissed Chloe, it’d mean more to me than just hooking up with some cute girl. I was beginning to wonder how I could ever live my life happily after losing her. She’d become my best friend.

  I put my hair up so that if I decided to get into the water I could still keep it dry. Then I changed into my favorite bikini. When I was done, I tried to ignore the anxious feeling in my chest, and closed my eyes as I rested my hand on my stomach. I remembered the last night with mom; the nausea I’d felt before she’d gone out. I couldn’t tell if I was feeling that now, or if this was just regular butterflies.

  I made sure to talk to Chloe’s parents before we left. They didn’t feel very comfortable with where we were going, especially so soon after Chloe’s near-drowning, but I think that they, like me, had trouble saying no to her more often than not. And she seemed so excited to go out; she was practically bouncing up and down with anticipation and had packed an entire backpack full of stuff to take with us.

  Once we were on our way in my car, she caught sight of the book I’d left on the center console and scoffed. “You are so not reading this whole time. You have to get in the water.”

  “Not past my waist,” I decided.

  “Chest?” she bargained. I shook my head. “Okay, what about mid-stomach?”

  “Maybe.”

  “Hey, don’t be nervous. We’re just hanging out. Nothing bad is gonna happen.”

  I changed the subject, uncomfortable. “Do you think we’ve should’ve brought Baxter? He’s been cooped up a lot lately.”

  “Oh, I didn’t even think of that! We should’ve!” She frowned. “Well, we’ll take him next time. He definitely needs to get out of the house more. I’ve been meaning to keep him active, but, um…” She shrugged her shoulders and finished, “Well, I’ve been spending a lot of time with you.”

  Words failed me, and I turned the radio on to avoid an awkward silence. Chloe stretched beside me and then idly turned to look out of her window, her fingernails tapping against the door as she rested her arm on top of it.

  We reached the spot by the water all too soon, and Chloe set down her backpack and unzipped it. Out came two blankets, sandwiches, apples, and a pair of sunglasses. She slipped the last over her eyes and grinned at the look on my face.

  “You came prepared,” I marveled. “Are we having a picnic?”

  “Not officially. Too cliché. But you’re welcome to a sandwich and an apple.” She tossed them to what was then deemed my blanket, and then promptly stretched out across her own, letting out a satisfied sigh. That only lasted a second, as she popped up into a sitting position abruptly and reached for the backpack again. “Oh, right. Forgot sunscreen. I put it in the front pocket. I fry like a lobster.” She squirted out a handful and then offered me the bottle.

  I shook my head, turning it down. “I’m okay. I don’t burn easily.”

  “Lucky,” she sighed out. I sat down on my blanket, which she’d placed directly next to hers, and watched her rub the sunscreen onto her arms, legs, shoulders, and stomach before she laid back down again and grinned over at me. “Try not to stare.”

  I colored. “I wasn’t.”

  She just laughed and looked skyward again. “So if you want to read while we’re here, now’s the time. Once I get hot, I’m getting into the water, and you’re coming with me.”

  I shook my head again, but reached for my book nonetheless. “Sure.”

  “I’m serious. It’ll be okay.”

  “You’re too adventurous,” I told her. “I bet half the reason you want to get back in is just for the thrill of it. Normal people like to avoid places they’ve nearly died at.”

  “I think of it more as conquering my fears,” she said. “Proving to myself there’s nothing to be afraid of. It was a freak accident, and when it doesn’t happen again, I’ll have no reason to be afraid. And neither will you.”

  “Unless it does happen again,” I pointed out.

  She let out a groan. “Ugh! How many times do I have to tell you that I’m not going anywhere?” She reached over to slap at my arm, teasing, and then went back to tanning. I watched her for a long moment before I cracked open my book to find where I’d last stopped reading.

  Even after a few minutes of peaceful silence, I still couldn’t manage to shake the uncomfortable feeling that had been building in my stomach all morning. I set my book aside and asked Chloe, “You’ve never been in love before, right?”

  She lifted her sunglasses to look back at me, curious. “Why?” she asked.

  “Just wondering.”

  There was a long pause. “You haven’t,” she observed. “What makes you think I might have?”

  “Because you know what you’re doing,” I said.

  She laughed at that. “Well, I’m glad it seems that way, but no. Never fallen in love, never had my heart broken. All of this is new to me.” She paused, blushed, and then amended, “Just to have serious feelings in the first place, I mean. Especially without ever going on a date.”

  “Isn’t this a date?” I joked. She rolled her eyes at me.

  “Not unless you eat your sandwich.”

  I grinned and reached for the baggie that housed my sandwich, then withdrew it and took a bite. As I chewed, I put it back into the bag, sealed it, and then laid back down, facing Chloe again. She studied me as we laid on our sides, and then asked, “Do you want to get into the water?”

  I shook my head and responded truthfully. “Not really.”

  “Well… are you hungry?” she asked. I shook my head again. “In the mood to tan? Or read?” Another head-shake. She laughed lightly. “Then what are we doing?”

  I chewed on my lip and willed myself to stay out of my own head before I could even be sucked in by my thoughts in the first place. My head had failed me thus far. It was time to ignore it, and if I waited all day by the water with Chloe, I knew I wouldn�
��t be able to.

  Chloe saw my gaze flicker to her lips, and something changed in the way she looked at me. Her lips parted, and I watched her glance down to mine. My heart began to beat heavily in my chest, pressed up against my ribcage. I looked into Chloe’s eyes, and then closed my own and moved in closer before I could overthink it.

  The kiss wasn’t what I’d expected it to be. I’d never really kissed a girl before, or at least not in the way Chloe and I kissed then, and I’d expected pounding hearts and pure passion and roaming hands, like how it always was in modern movies. It wasn’t like that. It was, to describe it in a word, tender.

  She reached out to cup my cheek with one hand, and we kissed slowly, gently, until I felt the warmth of her body pressing into mine. She shifted, half-leaning over top of me, and we broke apart as I pulled away to lay flat on my back. I stared up at her and held my breath. Her blue eyes were a darker shade as she leaned down to kiss me again.

  My stomach churned in that uncomfortable way it had earlier, and I realized it had nothing to do with worrying about her and entirely to do with being a nervous girl on her first date. The realization made me kiss her back harder, and when her hand slid down my bare stomach and settled against my hip I thought I’d die. But then she pulled away again, held her face an inch from mine, and brushed her nose against my own. My eyes fluttered open and I saw her smiling.

  “You okay?” she asked me, a certain giddy edge to her tone that made it hard to hold back a smile of my own. I nodded simply and kissed her again. She planted her hands on either side of my head and shifted onto me, and some gracious part of my brain compartmentalized every single one of my reservations and stored it somewhere I wouldn’t access until long after we’d parted. For a moment, I forgot about the heartache that came with loving Chloe, and when it finally did begin to come creeping back into the recesses of my mind later that night, when I was alone in my bed, I ignored it.

  Some things were worth aching for.

  Chapter Ten

  My dad took the news well.

  I told him over breakfast the next morning, and he arched an eyebrow and replied with, “Oh, really? I was waiting for an update on that. Nice.” He offered me a closed fist to bump, and I rolled my eyes at him.

  “I don’t need Cool Dad; I need Normal Dad. He gives better advice.”

  He moved his hand away immediately at that. “You need advice? What’s going on?” He paused, looking concerned for a moment, and then he sank down in his chair slightly, cringing. “You’re not…?” he began, and then sucked in a breath, “sexually acti-?”

  “Oh my god, Dad, no,” I interrupted swiftly, my face reddening. “And even if I was, I would not want that kind of advice. Never that kind of advice.”

  “Mhmm.” He refused to look at me, instead focusing intently on his breakfast. “So, this advice, then.”

  “You have a girlfriend,” I reminded him somewhat awkwardly. “How do you… do things? Like, how do you interact? Is it the same as before you were dating? How do you make that transition beyond turning into a stupid giggly idiot? How do you… be?”

  “How do I be. Hmm.” He paused to watch me press my palm to my forehead. “Uh, well, I’m not sure I can answer that. You do what feels natural. You also no longer have sleepovers with the door closed or when Dad isn’t home for the night.”

  “I shouldn’t have said anything,” I decided.

  “Probably not,” he agreed. “But I’m glad you felt like you wanted to tell me. Even if it was a lapse in judgment.” He paused again. “So that camping trip. I went on a double-date with my own daughter.”

  “That was not a double-date,” I protested, cheeks aflame.

  “You liked her.”

  “It still doesn’t count.”

  “If she liked you, too, maybe it should.” He shot me a curious look. “So… when do I meet her parents?”

  * * *

  “What is this recipe? My god, it’s delicious!”

  I slid down in my seat slightly, embarrassed, as I watched my dad take a large bite of the meatloaf Chloe’s mom had made. Chloe, in the seat next to me, bumped my foot with hers. I heard her chuckle quietly.

  Hayley grinned at my dad, pleased. “I’ll be sure to write it down for you after dinner.”

  “Please do. Harper likes to mock my cooking, but if I master this, she’ll have no reason to complain.” He shot me a wink and I rolled my eyes at him.

  Dad was a total dork throughout the dinner he’d forced me to set up, of course, but he got along well with Chloe’s parents. After dinner, they moved to the living room with glasses of wine, and Chloe and I managed to escape up to her bedroom for a few minutes, where she pressed me up against her door, eyes hooded, tangled her fingers in my hair, and took my breath away.

  “We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I breathed out between kisses, and that made her giggle against my lips, stilling our kissing for a second.

  “Shut up, nerd,” she demanded, and reached down to hook her fingers through the loops of my jeans so she could gently tug me closer. I’d been laughing, but that stopped very quickly when I felt her hips press into mine. I could hardly think in that moment, but if I had been able to think, I’d have wondered how on earth I’d held out on dating her for so long. We’d only been together for a week now and things were already moving so quickly.

  She stopped kissing me and started kissing my neck, and I squeezed my eyes shut and moved my hands to her hips, then slid them upward until I could feel skin instead of denim. She did something with her mouth and I dug my nails in.

  Chloe made a strange sound against my neck and pulled away abruptly to look at me. “Whoa,” she mumbled, her gaze very blatantly on my lips. She inhaled sharply and then declared, “You should spend the night.”

  I nodded, swallowing hard. “I can do that. If Dad says so.”

  She nodded back and then abruptly pressed me to the door again, one hand on my cheek and the other on my side. We kissed again, slower this time. I expected our parents to come looking for us at any moment now.

  I pulled away first and rested my forehead against Chloe’s as we just breathed together for a moment. As my head cleared, I realized, “There’s no way my dad will let me spend the night.”

  Chloe was silent for a moment, and I imagined she was trying to make herself think clearly, too. “Yes,” she said at last. “That’s not happening. That sucks.”

  “Yeah. Yeah, it does.”

  “That’s okay. We’re teenagers. We’re experts at finding a way,” she decided, and I moved to press my forehead into her shoulder, muffling a somewhat pained laugh. “Like your car,” she added nonchalantly, as though that wasn’t one of two three-word phrases that could instantaneously make my face turn red and my heart beat out of my chest.

  I wasn’t sure I was ready for the other yet, but I was certainly ready for this one.

  * * *

  “Well, well. You’re glowing.” Robbie smirked at me as I slid into the passenger’s seat of his car. He’d just gotten off work, and we’d planned to go out for ice cream afterward.

  “In like a sickly way?” I asked, and he shot me a knowing look.

  “No. Do you feel sick?”

  “This is the first day since we got together that I won’t have seen her,” I told him. “I guess I’m paranoid. I shouldn’t have waited, and now that we’re happy, I feel like it has to end any second. We aren’t allowed to be happy.”

  “You and Chloe? Why not, for just a little while?”

  “No, me and you,” I corrected. “Not knowing what we know about every single person we look at. Our little ‘gift’ alone gives me reason to believe something out there in the universe wanted us to suffer. So I have a hard time believing Chloe and I can- that we have a whole month of time, let alone even another week.”

  “So make the most of it. Isn’t that what you’ve been trying to do? Isn’t that the reason you let things get this far?”

  “And how awful doe
s that sound? I don’t want to rush our relationship just because she might not be around later. I mean, I do want to rush it, but I feel bad about wanting to, and I don’t even know if I’m even basing my feelings on a rushed timeline or if I’d want what I want regardless of how much time Chloe had left. And I don’t want anything we do to be tainted by that uncertainty… if that makes sense?”

  “If Chloe knew what you knew, wouldn’t she want the same thing?” he asked. “Wouldn’t she want to rush?”

  “I think she wants to rush now,” I laughed out. “But that’s kind of just who she is.”

  “So do what feels right.” Robbie shrugged his shoulders as we turned into the parking lot of the very same theater I’d taken Chloe all those weeks ago to get ice cream. I smiled vaguely at the memory.

  “Thanks, sensei,” I told Robbie, and he laughed at me.

  “Shut up.”

  * * *

  Chloe and I took Baxter to the local dog park the following day. We sat near the other owners at a picnic table as we watched Baxter speed around the circular enclosure, Chloe’s fingers gently intertwined with mine. She leaned her head on my shoulder and I didn’t feel self-conscious. Not in San Francisco.

  “God, I love it here,” she murmured to me, evidently on the same wavelength. “I could live here forever.” She paused to watch Baxter bowl over a dog half his size, and chuckled lightly. He’d grown a lot even in the short time since I’d first met Chloe.

  “Do you want kids?” she asked me suddenly, and I tensed instinctively before I could stop myself. She raised her head and shot me a soft smile. “I just meant generally, not necessarily with me. Relax; I’m not crazy. I’m just curious.”

  “I’ve never really thought about it,” I admitted. “I don’t think so.”

  “You don’t like kids?”

  I just shrugged. Truthfully, I didn’t want to chance having a child with a low number. I couldn’t go through this a third time.