Affair of Honor

by Stephanie James

  She bit her lip as she neared the cabin and realized that even the porch light was off. He must have gone to bed. Well, he would just have to get out of bed to hear what she had to say, she decided determinedly. Having made up her mind, Brenna knew she wasn’t going to abandon the project now. With a firm step she began to circle around to the front door of the cabin. Then, quite suddenly, she realized she was about to pass by the open bedroom window. The window she had attempted to crawl through that first night.

  Irresistibly Brenna was drawn to a halt beside the window. Ryder would be in there. All she had to do was rap on the panes and he would hear her. There would be darkness to cover her as she made her apology. She wouldn’t have to stand in the full glare of the porch light and do it. The idea became incredibly appealing.

  She moved a little closer to the open window and lifted a hand to tap on the glass. Nothing could be seen inside the shadow-filled room. Cautiously she scratched at the panes.

  “Ryder?” she called very softly.

  There was no answer; no sound from within. Brenna tapped gently once more. “Ryder, it’s me, Brenna. I have to talk to you. Just for a minute.” Why the devil was she whispering?

  When there was still no answer, she gnawed reflectively on her lower lip and thought seriously about returning to her own cabin. In the morning she could come back and do this in broad daylight.

  That thought was enough to urge her into one more effort. With every fiber of her being, Brenna wanted to get the matter out of the way tonight. Deliberately she pushed the window open wider and leaned inside the room. She still couldn’t see much except the vague outline of the end of the bed. In the poor light she couldn’t even tell if he was in the bed. Brenna frowned and threw a leg over the sill.

  “Ryder? Are you awake?”

  She was sitting astride the windowsill now, peering into the gloom. Perhaps he was in the bathroom brushing his teeth. Maybe he hadn’t gone to bed yet after all.

  “I’m awake.”

  The soft growl didn’t come from the bed, it emanated from directly behind her shoulder, from the darkness inside the room at the edge of the window. Brenna gasped and instinctively tried to slip her leg off the sill so that she could stand safely outside the window. He put a stop to that by putting out a hand and clamping it strongly across her thigh. Automatically Brenna went very still as he moved into the pale starlight coming in through the window. When she found his face in the darkness, she drew in her breath a little shakily. He looked very dangerous there in the shadows. He was wearing only a pair of Jockey shorts, and the lean, sinewy lines of his body seemed quite pagan. The expression in his silvery eyes was totally unreadable but the hand on her thigh was easily comprehended. He wasn’t going to let her slip back outside the window.

  “Good lord!” she breathed. “You frightened me. I thought you’d be in bed. When you didn’t answer my tap on the window, I decided you must not be in the room.”

  “I heard you crunching around outside on the gravel. I wasn’t quite sure what to think about having you attempt to crawl through my window, though, so I thought I’d give it a few minutes to see how far you intended to go. Now you’re here shall I draw my own conclusions?” The fingers on her thigh tightened but she still couldn’t make out the emotion behind his silver gaze.

  Brenna decided to plunge into her explanation without delay. That was the reason she had come to his cabin, wasn’t it? “Ryder, I’m here for—for several reasons.”

  He waited, one brow arching slightly.

  “First of all, I owe you an apology for what happened this morning after Craig left…” She forced herself to go on in a steady voice. “I lost my self-control. There was absolutely no excuse for that and I can only say I’m sorry. Violence is never an answer!”

  “But it can, as I pointed out earlier, give one a feeling of satisfaction,” he returned dryly.

  “Well, it didn’t,” she muttered icily. “I’m ashamed of myself and it only served to make me feel like a fool. My only excuse is that I was on edge at the time.”

  “Yes.” There was a pause, and when she didn’t say anything else, he questioned carefully, “And your other reasons for climbing through my window tonight?”

  Brenna stifled a groan. He wasn’t going to make this easy. “I wanted to thank you for helping Craig and me. You somehow managed to reassure both of us and keep things calm. I think the situation would have been a great deal more unpleasant if you hadn’t been there. It—it helped when you said that if Craig ever got himself into real trouble you’d go and get him out, and I know Craig felt better when you told him you’d look after me. Oh, I can’t explain it exactly, Ryder. It was just that your presence made things easier for my brother and for me.”

  “I see. Anything else?”

  Brenna hesitated. She hadn’t meant to tell him the rest. There was no need to confess everything, especially this last matter about which she still wasn’t very certain herself. But a rush of self-honesty, aided by the comforting blanket of darkness, brought the words to the surface. “You—you may have been right about my being a little envious of my brother,” she mumbled.

  “Because he made the break you didn’t make years ago?” His tone was gently implacable. There was no sympathy in it at all.

  “Perhaps a part of me wonders what would have happened if I hadn’t chosen the path I did. But that’s natural, isn’t it? Everyone must think along those lines from time to time. I did choose the academic world, however, and it’s been satisfying. It’s my life now and I’m content with it. I’m not like you or Craig.”

  “Not even a little bit like us?”

  “No,” she stated very firmly. “No, and even if I were, it’s too late. I made my choice a long time ago.”

  “It’s never too late, Brenna,” he told her softly. “There are no rules that say we have to stay committed to any single job or career. The only rules we have to follow in life are the ones we make for ourselves.”

  “I’m happy in my world, damn it,” she suddenly flared. “I’m good at what I do and it’s satisfying. I may wonder occasionally about the other side of life, the kind of life you have explored, but that doesn’t mean I want to explore it for myself. I’m a teacher of philosophy and that’s enough for me. I don’t entertain any secret admiration for the more adventuresome life. Hell, I probably wouldn’t even approve of many of the things you’ve done, much less admire them! I do admire my own world, or at least a great deal of it,” she added, thinking of the aspect of it she had been exposed to lately when Paul Humphrey had stolen her work. But there were honorable and dishonorable people in every profession, weren’t there?

  “Okay,” Ryder said soothingly, “so you’re happy in your ivory tower. That’s your decision.”

  “Thanks!”

  “But that still leaves one more issue, Brenna.”

  She looked at him with sudden wariness. “What issue?”

  “The matter of our relationship. I have a claim on you, lady, and you can’t rationalize or argue or philosophize your way out of that. I’m waiting for you to accept it intellectually just as you’ve accepted it with your body.”

  “No!” She made a startled movement, and his hand on her thigh clenched with gentle warning. “Ryder, you and I are from two different worlds.”

  “That’s got nothing to do with it.”

  “But it does! I need someone from the academic world. Someone who understands my career and my way of thinking. What you and I have together is a very temporary thing. You need someone who’s more—more exciting and venturesome.”

  “We want and need each other, lady,” he interrupted quietly. “How much longer until you realize that?”

  “What about love?” she flung back, aware that she was inserting a totally irrational argument into what should have stayed a very rational discussion.

  “What about love?” he countered. “I’m talking about fundamentals, not vague, indefinable concepts like love. You’re an intelligen
t woman: face the facts of the situation. You want me, even if you are a little afraid of me at this point.”

  “I am not afraid of you!” she bit out furiously.

  “Yes, I think you are. You’re afraid of what I’m going to bring into your cozy, well-organized life, aren’t you, Brenna? With me around you might find yourself tempted to give in to the more adventuresome side of your nature. In fact, the mere act of coming to me takes you very far afield, doesn’t it? I keep warning you what giving yourself to me really means, and you keep trying to pretend you can slip in and out of my bed without accepting the commitment it involves. You’re frightened of that commitment because it’s got nothing to do with your neat little academic world. You’re frightened of me because I’m not a man from your world. But you’ve got the courage to handle those fears, Brenna.”

  “I came here tonight to apologize,” Brenna hissed angrily, “not to become involved in this kind of crazy argument! Good night, Ryder.” She waited defiantly for him to release his grip on her leg. Not for the world would she admit that she was trembling with an irrational wish that he would simply yank her into the room and into his bed. It made everything so much simpler when she didn’t have to make the choice.

  “Good night, Brenna. Your apology is accepted.” Ryder took his hand away from her thigh. He didn’t move as she scrambled back out of the window and fled toward her cabin. But he called her name once softly in the darkness and she halted, poised warily in the starlight. “Brenna.”

  “Yes, Ryder?”

  “You could have kept him here, you know.”

  “Craig?” She frowned uncertainly, not understanding.

  “All you had to do was tell him about your own messy situation at the college. If you’d told him how bad things are and told him you needed his support, he would have stuck around until everything was resolved.”

  “That wouldn’t have been a fair tactic to use,” she protested instantly. “It would have been a kind of emotional blackmail.”

  “I know.” She sensed his smile even though she couldn’t quite discern it. “And you’re a woman of honor, aren’t you? You prefer to fight fair, even when you know you’re going to lose. Good night, lady. Sleep well.”

  Chapter 9

  It was Ryder who found the note in the mailbox shared by the two cabins. He walked into Brenna’s kitchen the next morning just as she was about to poach an egg for herself. He didn’t bother to knock.

  “It’s addressed to you,” he announced, tossing the envelope down on the table and lowering himself casually into one of the chairs. “Tea ready yet?”

  Brenna refrained from dropping the egg into the swirling hot water and frowned. She had spent a sleepless night alternating between anger and cool determination. Ryder looked as if he’d had a thoroughly restful night. She wanted to say something firm about the way he had walked in without bothering to knock, but she couldn’t think of anything that wouldn’t sound childish or petulant.

  “It’s ready. Help yourself.” Wiping her hands on a towel, she went over to the table and picked up the small letter. It was from Diana Bergen.

  “Friend of yours?” Ryder asked easily, pouring his tea.

  “She’s a member of the philosophy department. A colleague. Yes, she’s a friend.” Brenna tore open the envelope and quickly scanned the contents. “So,” she whispered when she’d finished. “That’s the way it’s going to end.”

  “The way what’s going to end?” Ryder persisted patiently, his gaze going to the letter.

  Brenna looked up. “She says Dr. Humphrey is announcing his retirement unexpectedly early. There’s going to be a party for him tomorrow night and she suggests I come back for it. Good politics.” Her mouth turned downward derisively at that last comment. “Says she would have phoned to give me more advance notice but found out I didn’t have a telephone here this summer.” Brenna glanced back down at the letter. “She also says Damon will undoubtedly be taking over Humphrey’s position.”

  Ryder sipped cautiously at the hot tea. “The fall term should prove interesting for you,” he observed dryly. “Are you really going to go back and work for the man you insulted so openly a few days ago?”

  Brenna tapped her fingers restlessly on the table. “I’ll worry about Damon later. I might be able to apologize for what happened and make him understand,” she said quietly. “It’s Humphrey I’m thinking about now. If I don’t go to this party for him tomorrow evening I may never see him again. If I’m ever going to do or say anything to his face about what he’s done to me, tomorrow night is the time.”

  Ryder ignored the last part of her statement altogether. “What the hell do you mean you’ll worry about Fielding later? I thought you said he could make life very uncomfortable for you this fall.”

  “He can.” She shrugged. “But I don’t think he will. He likes me, Ryder. He’ll understand how upset I was just as I understood why he was trying to talk me into not making a scene with Humphrey. He was only trying to make me see the political side of the question.” She brushed the remainder of that issue aside. “The important thing right now is whether or not I’m going to confront Humphrey.”

  “Can he still jeopardize your career?”

  “I doubt it. Not from retirement. I could still come out of a scene looking extremely foolish, though. Damon‘’s right in that regard. I’m just a very junior member of the faculty making some crazy charges against a renowned senior member of the department. But I can’t let this pass! My God! I worked months on that ethics paper. Some of those conclusions took me weeks of study and analysis. To see them published by a man I held in such high regard is unbearable. I have to say something to him, even if I do come off looking foolish and vicious.” Brenna got to her feet with determination. “I’m going to that party. I’ll drive back this afternoon and have plenty of time to prepare for tomorrow night.” The moment of decision had really arrived and she knew what had to be done. She had to confront Paul Humphrey regardless of what he might do to her future in the academic world. It was a relief to have the decision made.

  “What about Fielding?” Ryder asked very softly.

  She turned to glance at him as she prepared to finish making breakfast. “It was wrong of me to expect Damon to help me fight my battles. I shouldn’t have tried to enlist his aid, and I had no right to insult him when he tried to make me see his side of the matter. I’ll apologize to him tomorrow night. He’ll understand why I acted as I did. I’ll explain to him about you, too.”

  “That should be interesting.”

  Brenna felt herself flush furiously and her mouth tightened. “There’s no need for him to know all the details!”

  “He’s already guessed most of the pertinent ones, as I recall. He thinks I’m the stud you’re amusing yourself with this summer, remember?”

  “Don’t say things like that!” she whispered tautly, shocked.

  “You heard him. Is that how you see me, Brenna?”

  “Ryder, don’t be ridiculous. You’re just trying to provoke me.” She looked at him pleadingly, the bowl of eggs in her hand. “Ryder, about last night, I hope you understood what I was trying to say.”

  “You have the most annoying tendency to try to explain ‘last nights.’ ” Ryder’s crooked smile expressed a tenderness that took Brenna by surprise. She stood quite still, staring at him as he got up from the table and came across the floor to cup her face in his hands. “But it’s the future I’m concerned about. I won’t try to tell you that you shouldn’t go back for this party. If you feel you have to confront Humphrey, that’s your business. It’s a matter of pride and honor. I understand that. But I have to know whether or not you’re planning on coming back here to Tahoe afterward.”

  Brenna went still, her inner turmoil clear in the amber of her eyes. “Ryder, I don’t know if I should. Perhaps this is as good a time to end things as any.”

  “You won’t be ending matters if you stay down in the Bay area,” he warned gently. “You’ll jus
t make it necessary for me to come after you. I’m asking for your word that you’ll come back here instead of going into hiding. I think you’ve got the courage to return, lady. What do you think?” His thumbs moved sensually along the line of her throat, and the silver in his gaze was a net she couldn’t avoid.

  “Oh, Ryder,” she whispered helplessly.

  “Your word you’ll come back?” he coaxed softly.

  What could she say? How could she resist, even though she knew she should? This man might be all wrong for her, but he held a power over her that no other man had ever wielded.

  “Ryder, it would be better if—”

  He didn’t let her finish. Still holding her face cupped in his rough yet gentle hands, he brought his mouth down to take hers in a sweet, lingering kiss that flooded her with weakness and reminded her all too keenly of how close she was to falling in love with Ryder Sterne.

  His tongue moved knowingly along the inside of her lips as he deepened the kiss. When she moaned softly and unconsciously crowded a little closer to his hard frame, he lifted his head to look down into her eyes. “Promise you’ll come back to Tahoe. You owe me that much at least, lady.”

  She didn’t owe him anything, Brenna told herself wildly even as she heard her own voice say “Yes.”

  He pulled her close against his chest. “It’s always nice to know one is dealing with a woman who will honor her word.”

  Brenna was on her way by lunchtime. She was tense, both from the strain of what she was going to do when she met Paul Humphrey face-to-face and from the look in Ryder’s eyes as he watched her leave. He stood in the drive, feet slightly braced and hands shoved idly into his back pockets. The breeze ruffled his tawny hair and the sun seemed to glance along the planes of his set features. He understood why she had to go, Brenna knew. But he would hold her to her word about returning.

  What had she done by rashly giving her promise on that score? she asked herself time and again on the long drive back to the San Francisco Bay area. It would have been so much more rational to simply not have returned. Going back to Tahoe would be dangerous. There was no way around that.