Not Letting Go

by R B Hilliard

  Before I could get the door open, Gage’s hand was on it. “What the hell, Princess?” His breath danced across my ear and a tremble of longing rolled through me.

  I rested my forehead against the cool door, closed my eyes, and quietly told him to step back.

  “What?”

  “Step back,” I repeated.

  “Not until you tell me what this is all about.”

  “Dillon will explain on the way back to Charlotte.”

  “The hell he will.” His hands pressed flat against the door on either side of my head, caging me in. For the first time in months I felt safe.

  “Step back, Gage,” I said through clinched teeth.

  “Tell me why you left.”

  “There’s no time for this.”

  “I’ve got all the time in the world. Tell me why you left,” he repeated.

  “I have to get to Reyn.”

  “Tell. Me. Why. You. Left,” he slowly enunciated and I snapped.

  “Because it was all a lie! Because you helped Dooley kidnap me! Because you ripped out my heart and left an empty bleeding hole in my chest! Now step the fuck back!” I shouted.

  With the snap of a finger his arms were gone and I was free. Only, I didn’t want to be free. I wanted to stay protectively caged between his arms for the rest of our lives. I wanted to go back and do it all over again. If I could have another chance I would hold on with everything and never let him go. If only.

  Chapter Thirteen

  “What do you mean I helped Dooley kidnap you?” Gage’s voice was barely audible. Here was the moment where I got to rip him apart for his horrible deception, but I was suddenly at a loss for words. I looked at his face and studied the beautiful eyes that I loved so much and knew that I had it all wrong. Dooley had won.

  “Zip and I will grab rooms. It has been a long day. We’ll decide what to do about Reyn first thing in the morning,” I heard Dillon say, but could not tear my eyes away from Gage. “Uh, okay,” he continued awkwardly, “call me if you need anything.” The door latch clicked and then he was gone.

  “I screwed up,” I whispered and my voice sounded exactly how I felt…broken and raw.

  Both of his eyebrows peaked in mock surprise. “You think?”

  All I could manage was a weak nod. The same question ran through my head over and over and over again, like a treadmill stuck in high gear: What have you done, Piper?

  “I want answers. I deserve them. Will you give them to me or are you just going to keep toying with me?” The frustration and hurt in his voice was making this so much harder.

  “Ask. I’ll answer,” I assured him.

  He stepped in my direction and I thought for a second that he was going to bridge the physical distance between us with a touch or a hug…something he would have done in the past. Closing my eyes, I braced for the feeling of his hands on me. It had been so long since I had felt him this close. Instead, he grabbed a chair from the table next to me, dragged it across the room and sat. Right then and there I knew how this night was going to end.

  “Start talking,” he commanded.

  I sidestepped over to the table and dropped into the remaining chair. The physical distance between us mirrored what we had emotionally become; separate, apart…fractured. “Where do you want me to begin?” I asked.

  “Try the beginning.”

  I could have started the story at the night of the kidnapping, but that’s not where this mess all started. “Remember the night at Dooley’s bonfire party when I told you he propositioned me? We fought and you thought you handled it?”

  He nodded.

  “Well, you didn’t.”

  His legs stretched out in front of him with one foot crossed over the other. This was so Gage. Like always, he seemed so comfortable in his own skin. “Explain,” he ordered.

  “After the night Dooley propositioned me, he would show up wherever I was. He did this each time he sent you off on one of your trips. Most of the time he would show up at work, sit at the bar and watch me. It was like he got some sick thrill out of taunting me or something,” I shrugged. “Anyway, I had to play nice and serve him or else get fired. It escalated when he showed up at your house when you were out of town one time, claiming that you had left something in the garage for him to pick up. Funny…he invited himself in for coffee and then left without ever stepping foot in the garage. Before I moved in with you, I caught him sitting in his car outside my complex. When I confronted him about it, he made up some bogus excuse about how he was checking on Reyn for Zeke. I knew he was lying because I had just spoken with Reyn and she was at lunch…with Zeke. There are more incidents,” I told him, “but you get the point.”

  Gage’s eyes were glued on me, so I did not miss his expression of surprise turn into one of anger. “You are telling me that Dooley Shane was stalking you…while we were together…Seriously?” Confusion and something else danced across his face. Hopefully it was guilt. “Why in the world didn’t you tell me?”

  I quirked my eyebrow at him. “You really want me to answer that?” He just stared at me. I didn’t think so. Pushing forward, I continued. “I knew that I was pulling away from you, but I couldn’t seem to stop. I resented you. Every time you took off and Dooley showed up just compounded the fact that you didn’t believe me. The worst part was that he knew you believed him over me. He was so damned smug about it and took every opportunity to rub it in. It ate at me, Gage. It was beyond infuriating. He would snap his fingers and you would run. All the while, he was stabbing you in the back. That’s what it looked like, at least. Anyway, two weeks before you left for Arkansas, something changed. You were more distant than usual and I didn’t know what to do. I was so afraid of losing you. I made up my mind to put all of the resentment aside and fight for us. That last night we were together was supposed to be about us reconnecting. Then Lester called and you went running. Yes, I was frustrated, but never to the point of leaving you.”

  “But you did leave. What changed?” he asked.

  “Everything. And before you ask it again, I didn’t tell you because I couldn’t handle you not believing me. Already been there, done that, got the t-shirt and hated it.” He opened his mouth as if to speak, but nothing came out. “Say it,” I prompted.

  “When you told me that my boss, my friend, made a pass at you, I handled it poorly. The man I thought I knew, who saved me from losing my shirt, would never do that to me. However, I was in love with you and knew that you would never make something like that up. I won’t deny playing devil’s advocate, but before confronting Dooley, I needed to make sure you were confident in your allegations. So, I pushed and you walked out the door full of piss and vinegar. I knew I had my answer. I was damn proud of you for standing up for yourself but also angry. How could Dooley do that to me?” He ran his hands nervously through his hair. “When I confronted Dooley and he lied about it, I knew our friendship and business relationship were compromised. It was a tough pill to swallow.”

  My brain was spinning. Gage believed me. All along he believed me. If only I had known.

  “The afternoon I confronted Dooley about propositioning you, he was shifty. He said all of the right things but he couldn’t seem to look me in the eye. The motherfucker was dodgy and I expected it, but still… When I left his place that afternoon I went straight to Zippo and told him everything. This got us talking about Dooley’s many inconsistencies over the past couple of years. That developed into us talking about ways to break away from the business.” His eyes focused back on mine. “I wasn’t distant because of you, Piper. I was spending every spare second trying to find a way to get out from underneath Dooley’s thumb.”

  Wait, what?

  “Why didn’t you tell me all of this, Gage? Why did you let me think you believed him over me?” Why didn’t we just talk? It all seemed so silly now.

  “Like you told me he was stalking you?” He raised his eyebrow in question. My mother always said that omission was the same thing as lying. I fi
nally understood what she meant. All of the things we didn’t say were out in the open for both of us to see. What an ugly mess.

  He let out a deep sigh. “Honestly? I thought that we had moved past Dooley the night I talked to him and told you that I loved you. I thought we were good. Why else would you have taken me back into your arms and your bed? You never told me that you were having doubts, Piper. I am certainly no mind reader. I thought the distance was because of my job, not because you were questioning my loyalty.”

  I had to think about this for a second. Did he ever say that he didn’t believe me? Or had I just assumed? I wasn’t sure. “I knew that you loved me, Gage.” I glanced down at the floor and muttered, “I just wasn’t sure you believed in me.”

  “I always believed in you, Princess. As for why I didn’t tell you what Zip and I were up to? What if it backfired? What if I told you and it slipped to Reyn? She would have told Zeke. Who is the first person he would have run to?” My eyes widened. “Exactly,” he said. “Zeke would have run straight to Dooley. I’ve seen firsthand what Dooley does when he loses control and it isn’t pretty. The only way that Zip and I were going to get out of Dooley’s reach was to make him believe that it was his decision to let us go, not ours. If he realized he was being manipulated, shit, who knows what would have happened?”

  We stared across the room at each other. Both of us were caught up in our past mistakes and all I felt was sad, so very, very sad.

  “What happened when I left for Arkansas, Piper?”

  And there it was…the dreaded question. Sucking in a deep breath, I told him about Lester’s midnight phone call and how I ended up at Dooley’s house. When I got to Dooley hitting me the first time, I started to tear up. Telling all of this to Gage was so much harder than everyone else. I felt as if I was back there in that house and reliving it all over again. The tension in his jaw and the fact that he was white knuckling the arms of the chair didn’t help any. I told him about the keys in my pocket and screaming for Selina at the bottom of the stairs in order to get closer to the front door. When I got to the part about Dooley backhanding me across the mouth, he dropped his elbows to his knees and stared down at the floor. I could tell by his body language that he was struggling and paused to give him a minute.

  “Keep going,” he said. His voice was rough with emotion.

  I couldn’t see his face and wondered what he was feeling. Anger? Disappointment? Just the thought of him feeling either of those things made my heart ache. My next sentence flew out in a jumbled mess. “IgotsomadthatIhead-buttedhimandkickedhiminthejollys.”

  His head shot up and his blue eyes danced with humor. “All I got out of that was head-butt and jollys. Care to clarify?”

  Annnnnd, suddenly I could breathe again. I let out a choked laugh and repeated my sentence. “I said that I was so mad at him for hitting me that I head-butted him and kicked him in the jollys.”

  His lips twitched. “The jollys?” When I failed to give him a reaction he sighed. “It gets worse doesn’t it?” I nodded and watched him pick up his chair, walk it over to where I was sitting and set it down in front of me. He was close enough to touch when he sat back down. That small gesture of comfort meant more than any words he could have given me. It also reminded me of why I loved him so much. Ugh!

  Folding my legs underneath me, I dove back into the story. Better just to rip the band-aid off than to fiddle around with it, right? “When I tagged him between the legs with my knee, he dropped and I ran.” Like a video, it played through my head. “My car was right in front of me and I was so close.” I lifted my eyes to his. “I was so close to freedom that I could taste it. He tackled me from behind like a freaking linebacker. Then he beat me unconscious.”

  “Son of a bitch!” he shouted and shot up so fast that his chair toppled over. I watched him pace across the room and back before pausing right in front of me. “How bad?” he asked.

  I contemplated what to tell him.

  “How bad?” he repeated. His voice shook with pent up anger.

  “Bad,” I answered.

  “Fuck!” he shouted. An instant later he picked the chair up and slammed it into the wall. Chunks of wood shot everywhere and I had to duck as one hurtled over my head. I was afraid to see what he was going to do when I told him the rest. Suddenly, the adjoining door shot open and Dillon and Zippo rushed in.

  “What the hell?” Zip asked.

  Gage turned on him. “You knew that Dooley beat her unconscious and you didn’t tell me?”

  Zippo’s eyes widened in surprise. “I just found out last night.” He looked over at Dillon and added, “We both did.”

  “I sat with you for twelve hours…in a car…after you found out,” Gage growled, “and you still didn’t tell me.”

  Zippo shot me a look of disgust. “It wasn’t ours to tell. It was hers.” All eyes landed on me.

  “And that’s what I’m doing right now.” Jackass.

  “We’ll leave you two to finish things up,” Dillon said as he pulled Zippo back out of the room.

  Trying for a little levity, I told Gage that I would take the bed and he could have my chair as he might need it later. He did not see any humor in my remark.

  “For fuck’s sake, Piper! How bad does this get because I’m already thinking it is pretty damn bad.”

  I wasn’t sure if he really wanted me to answer. He shot me an expectant look and I sighed. “Take a seat. We’re only at the beginning.”

  “Jesus,” he muttered. “Better give me the chair.”

  After getting settled on the bed, I started back up. I didn’t expound about my bruises and such. There was no need. I told him about searching for weapons and a way out and about Dooley coming in full of apologies. “It was like being in an alternate universe and instead of being with you, I was with him. He acted as if we just had a lover’s spat.” Trying to make Gage understand the severity of the situation, I crossed my eyes and swirled my finger around my ear. “The man has some serious bats loose in his belfry, Gage. I mean, I knew this, but I guess I didn’t realize how bad it really was. I told him that he would soon see the inside of a jail cell. That was if you didn’t kill him first. He responded by laughing and telling me not to count on being rescued by you because you were enjoying Arkansas with Zeke, Zip and Selina. When I expressed my doubt, he blathered on about all the ways that you and Selina were together and, believe me, he didn’t leave anything out.”

  “We were both in Arkansas,” Gage cut in, “but only because Dooley sent her to rub elbows with the CEO’s wife. We had separate rooms and I barely saw her. Ask Zip if you don’t believe me.”

  “I told Dooley that you would not cheat on me in a million years and he told me that you had done a great job fooling me and that your so called “trips” were just an excuse to get away from me and hole up with Selina…or whomever else was available.”

  “What?” he asked in a voice threaded with disbelief. “Why would he tell you that?” The shock and surprise on his face made me sick.

  “I don’t know, Gage. I wish I did. He told me that the first night I met you, you took Selina home to your bed. As you can imagine, this hurt hearing…but we weren’t together then. I had no claim on you and I told him as much. For all you knew, I went home and screwed my neighbor.” He let out a growl when I said this and I rolled my eyes at him. “Of course I didn’t screw my neighbor, but he didn’t know that. I was just trying to make a point. Apparently all it did was make him angry. That led to him telling me about your relationship with Selina.”

  “Not true,” he whispered. “Tell me you didn’t believe him.”

  “I didn’t, but I won’t lie. It did make me think. When I alluded to him being involved with Selina and not you, he laughed and asked if that was the story you had been feeding me. He said he and Selina had an agreement of sorts but that she was more your type. He also said that it made sense that you would tell me he was the one involved with her because then I wouldn’t question your disappe
arances.”

  He shot out of the chair. “I never cheated on you, Princess. Ever.”

  “But you can’t deny that she wanted you, Cowboy,” I quietly said. “After all, she made it quite obvious.”

  “That may be but I never reciprocated. I made it very clear to her that I was with you and only you.”

  I wanted to scream. Not once in our relationship had he ever acknowledged what Selina was doing. Yet, all along he knew! Damn you and your stupid silence, Gage! “Dooley told me that everything, everything that happened between us…our whole relationship… was orchestrated by him.”

  “What the fuck does that mean?”

  I motioned for him to sit and he did. “He knew things, Gage. He knew that you came to find me after your talk with him. He knew that night was the first time you told me you loved me.”

  “That’s because I told him I loved you and that you were mine. Sometimes all it takes is staking your claim. That’s what I did. He probably figured that I was headed to your place after and guessed the rest.”

  “Yeah? That’s what I thought. When I voiced it out loud, he kindly informed me that it was all part of his plan. Apparently since he couldn’t “be” with me yet he hired you as an appetizer or a seat warmer of sorts. He said that he picked you specifically because he knew you wouldn’t become attached.”

  His eyes widened with disbelief. “He told you that he pimped me out…to you?”

  “Yep,” I said, nodding my head.

  His head dropped into his hands and I heard him whisper, “I don’t fucking believe this.” A few seconds passed and I wasn’t sure what to do. A part of me wanted to go to him, to crawl into his lap and comfort him, but I couldn’t. We weren’t those people anymore. When he lifted his head his blue eyes pierced through me. “None of it is true, not one damn thing.”

  Shame washed over me. “He knew intimate things about the first time we slept together. He knew that I jumped you in the garage, that I was afraid of spiders and that I compared your eyes to the Caribbean. How could he know these things?” My voice broke as I anxiously gazed at him and waited for him to make this all right. His body stilled and I could feel the tension in the air.